Friday chuckle NB

[Sans Bateau]

True Story:

The other day I was cruising along as usual in my new stunning BMW coming
onto one of my motorways, which was very busy with inferior cars.

First off, I couldn't believe that the volume of traffic didn't slow down
for me at all as I came off the slip road! I had to squeeze into a barely
big enough gap between two cars in order to get onto my motorway! (The
driver of the car behind me did realise his mistake though and honked an
apology to me with a long blast of his horn.)

Unbelievably, I had to do the same again before I could get into the BMW
lane. (Why do underlings use this lane? Surely everyone knows it is for BMW

drivers only?)

Anyway, once I was in the BMW lane and posing along at 110 mph enjoying the

adulation that the inferior car drivers were giving me, I noticed an
inferior car ahead of me which was not only in the BMW lane of my motorway,

but was driving at a ridiculously slow 70 mph!

Naturally, I got to within a foot or so of his rear bumper and flashed my
headlights to remind him he shouldn't be in the BMW lane of my motorway and

to get out of my way.

Of course, once he realised it was a BMW behind him, he did just that, but
I could hardly believe it when he pulled straight back out behind me! He
also tried to keep up with me and when he realised I would out-run him, he
put on some blue lights in his front grill and urged me to get onto the
hard shoulder so that he could congratulate me on my excellent car.

Needless to say, I was eager oblige and when we had stopped, the man gave
me a piece of paper confirming what I already knew - that my car goes quite

fast!

Apparently he wants everyone to know what a superior car I have, so I had
to take my driver's licence to a Police Station to be sent away to have
some points put on! (They're not free points either - they're £20 each and
I was only allowed 3.) But the man at the Police Station said that because
I drive a BMW, it won't be much longer before I earn the full 12 points,
and then I won't even need a driving licence; they will gladly take it from
me!

See, now THAT's the sort of respect you get when you buy and drive a new
BMW!







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[Goodge]

BMW
Beautiful Mechanical Wonder
Beautiful Models Wanted
Bavarian Manure Wagon
Biggest Metal Waste
Big Money Works
Bought My Wife
Brutal Money Waster
Break My Window
Bring More Women
Bring More Wrenches
Bavarian Money Waster
Bring My Wad!
Blew My Wad!
Big Money Wasted
Bring Money Where?
Buy More Women



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[Goodge]

There was a middle-aged guy who bought a brand new BMW convertible . He took off down the road, flooring it up to 80 mph and he enjoyed the wind blowing through what little hair he had left on his head. "This is great," he thought, and floored it some more. He looked in his rearview mirror and there was a traffic cop behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blasting. "I can get away from him with no problem," thought the man, and he floored it some more and flew down the road at over 120-mph. Then he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this kind of thing," and pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the cop to catch up with him.

The cop pulled in behind the BMW and walked up to the man. "Sir," he said looking at his watch, "My shift ends in 30 minutes and today is Friday the 13th. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding, that I've never heard before, I'll let you go." The man looked back at the cop and said, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop, and I thought you were bringing her back." The Policeman said, "Have a nice day."

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[AlexL]

AUDI- Always Unsafe Designs Implemented.
BMW-Big Money Works.
* Brutal Money Waster.
* Bimbette Motor Weapon.
* Break My Window.

FIAT- Failure in Italian Automotive Technology.
*Fix It All the Time.
*Fix it again, Tony!
FORD - First On Recall Day.
*Fixed Or Repaired Daily.
*First On Rust and Deterioration.
*Fix Or Repair Daily.
*Found On Road, Dead.
*Fast Only Rolling Downhill.
*Found On Russian Dump.
GM- General Maintenance.
* Great Mistake.
* GMC- Garage Man's Companion.
* Got A Mechanic Coming?.
HONDA - Had One Never Did Again.
HYUNDAI-Hope You Understand Nothing's Driveable And Inexpensive...
MAZDA- Most Always Zipping Dangerously Along.
SAAB-Send Another Automobile Back.
*Swedish Automobiles Always Breakdown.
*Sorry Arsed Auto Builders.
TOYOTA-Too Often Yankees Overprice This Auto.
VOLVO- Very Odd Looking Vehicular Object.
*Vehicles Of Low Velocity Owners.
VW-Virtually Worthless.



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[AlexL]

The Mercedes driving test

1. Before changing lanes you should:
(A) signal.
(B) Look.
(C) Both a & b.
(D) just swing into the lane without doing either a or b.

2. The top light on a traffic signal is:
(A) red.
(B) amber.
(C) green.
(D) Who cares, it doesn't apply to me anyway.

3. The speed limit in a residential area is:
(A) 30 MPH.
(B) 20 MPH.
(C) 40 MPH.
(D) I paid £65,000 for this car, I'll drive as fast as I want.

4. In London, when a pedestrian enters a Zebra crossing, you should:
(A) slow to a walking pace.
(B) go around the block.
(C) stop.
(D) speed up and honk your horn.

5. In the other cities, when a pedestrian enters a Zebra crossing, you should:
(A) maintain your speed.
(B) slow a little.
(C) slow a lot.
(D) speed up and don't bother honking your horn.

6. Your may make a left turn from the right lane:
(A) never.
(B) when there is a left turn arrow.
(C) on Sunday at 2 A.M.
(D) When ever you darn well feel like it.

7. When a school bus is unloading, you:
(A) must stop.
(B) may pass on the left after checking.
(C) may pass after slowing to 5 MPH.
(D) use your car phone to order Chinese food while passing on the left.

8. When you hear an emergency vehicle siren, you should:
(A) pull to the right and stop.
(B) pull into the nearest car wash.
(C) roll down your windows.
(D) turn up the radio and ignore it.

9. You may make a U-turn in front of a fire station:
(A) never.
(B) when the doors are closed.
(C) if there are no police around.
(D) when you have missed your turn.

10. When approaching a traffic light where cars are stopped, you should:
(A) relax.
(B) watch the signal.
(C) stop a safe distance back from the car in front.
(D) call your wife/secretary on your car phone so everyone can see that you have a car phone.

11. When turning onto a side street, you should signal:
(A) two blocks before turning.
(B) two car lengths before turning.
(C) two miles before turning.
(D) what for, if the guy behind me hits me, I'll sue him.

12. A U-turn in a city is legal:
(A) only at an junction.
(B) always.
(C) never.
(D) if I pass a sale at the jewellers.

13. Parking on double yellows is permitted:
(A) never.
(B) on Sunday.
(C) if there is a fire hydrant.
(D) when I'll only be there for five minutes.

14. What is your annual gross income:
(A) £10,000-20,000.
(B) £20,000-40,000.
(C) £40,000-80,000.
(D) £80,000 and up.

Scoring: If you answered 'd' on every question, you have a perfect score. You are certified to drive a Mercedes Benz/BMW Automobile. You may, at your discretion, proceed to your nearest Mercedes Benz or BMW authorised distributor and select the Mercedes Benz or BMW Automobile of your choice. If you answered a, b, or c on two or fewer questions, you may request a retest in two weeks time. Please study the Mercedes Benz or BMW motor vehicle guides in preparation for your retest. If you answered a, b, or c on more than two questions, we're sorry, you just don't have the proper attitude to be a Mercedes Benz or BMW Automobile driver. Perhaps you should consider a good car. Thank you for your interest in Mercedes Benz and BMW Automobiles.




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[NK_man]

You missed LOTUS - Lots Of Trouble; Usually Serious

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