Selling it to the wife (part II)

[Guest]

After reading all of your helpful (and not so helpful) responses, I decided to put a few of your ideas to my wife.

The idea of sailing is now officially SOLD subject to the following terms and conditions:

1) I want something that doesn't resemble a floating one man tent

2) I want to park it/use it somewhere shallow so when I fall off I can touch the bottom

3) I want a bathroom and toilet

4) I want one with a tele so I can watch NEIGHBOURS, HOME & AWAY, HOLLYOAKS, EASTENDERS, CORONATION STREET, ER, AND FRIENDS.

5) I don't want to get wet.

6) I'd like a holiday on a cruise ship, do they have tellies?

7) Stop that bloody magazine being delivered, it wakes me up when it comes through the letter box

8) I'll need new clothes.

9) And make-up

10) And shoes

11) I want one with engines, not sails

12) It'll be my boat, not yours, and I'm gonna call it BOB

The above is non negotiable and subject to change depending on the weather and the time of month. You have no say in any matters about anything. Your house, sanity and sex life are at risk if you don't do as you're told.

 

[Guest]

Consider yourself lucky!

Only 12 conditions. You must have a real gem of a wife - treasure her (but look out for another just in case!). And you also say that there is sex AFTER marriage. I find that hard to believe.

 

[Guest]

Dear Ben...

Thank you for the crash course in how to be a proper woman. I fear it comes too late for me and I have blown it entirely but I did enjoy the rules. The thing is, where is Part I? I've hunted but I can't find it anywhere and I'd hate to miss out on a free education! ;-) P.S. I did once come across a guy with more money than brains who had a boat built for him. His wife, apparently, liked the basic design but disagreed on the interior design, so he had another one built to her specs and now they have a his 'n' hers pair of gigantic stinkpots... P.P.S. If your wife is anything like as much fun as you sound, she'll take to the sea-life in no time. Mind you, if she's anything like me she'll like to have her telly, and the VCR (or a laptop and DVDs will do fine), somewhere to stow the make-up, a washing machine.... P.P.S. Sorry!

 

[Guest]

Re: Nothing wrong with a floating caravan if it\'s your dream to be afloat

Who's Bob though?

 

[Guest]

And your problem is what? (this note was dictated by my wife). Welcome to the world of stink pots.

 

[Guest]

I think Winnibago in the USA or Swift, Abbey, and Piper in England meet your wife\'s conditions. *

**********8

 

[Guest]

Re: Are these the rules?...(two sets included)

THE RULES

1. The FEMALE always makes the rules 2. The Rules are subject to change at any time without prior notification. 3. No MALE can possibly know all the Rules. 4. If the FEMALE suspects the MALE knows all the Rules, she must immediately change some or all of them. 5. The FEMALE is never wrong. 6. If the FEMALE is wrong, it is due to a misunderstanding which was a direct result of something the MALE did or said wrong. 7. If Rule 6 applies, the MALE must apologise IMMEDIATELY for causing the misunderstanding. 8. The FEMALE may change her mind at any time. 9. The MALE must NEVER change his mind without the expressed written consent of the FEMALE. 10. The FEMALE has every right to be angry or upset at any time. 11. The MALE must remain calm at all times, unless the FEMALE wants him to be angry or upset. 12. The FEMALE must under no circumstances let the MALE know whether or not she wants him to be angry or upset. 13. The MALE is expected to be a mind reader at all times. 14. The MALE who doesn’t abide by the Rules can’t take the heat, lacks backbone and is a wimp. 15. Any attempt to document the Rules could result in bodily harm. 16. If the FEMALE has PMS, all the Rules are null and void. 17. The FEMALE is ready when she is ready. 18. The MALE must be ready at all times.

RULES THAT GUYS WISHED WOMEN KNEW

01. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. 02. Learn to work the toilet seat, if it is up, put it down. 03. Don't cut your hair. Ever. 04. Sometimes we're not thinking about you. Live with it. 05. Get rid of your cat. 06. Sunday = sports. 07. Anything you wear is fine. Really. 08. Women wearing Wonder bras and low-cut blouses lose their right to

complain about having their boobs stared at. 09. You have too many shoes. 10. Crying is blackmail. 11. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work. 12. Mark anniversaries on a calendar. 13. Yes, pissing standing up is more difficult than pissing from

point blank range. We're bound to miss sometimes. 14. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers. 15. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor. 16. Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived. 17. Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an

argument. 18. If you don't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect

us to act like soap opera guys. 19. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the

ways makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one. 20. Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we know

how pretty you are? 21. Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out. 22. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it

done - not both. 23. Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do we.

 

[Guest]

I get sailing passes from "the wife" (God help me if she reads this) In a car show room the car of her dreams was right in front of us, me looking at the bottom of the range, she looking at the CD player/aircon/etc extras model - So with the pressure on from the salesman knowing I wouldn't get away with much i went for the big one - OK you have the car you want, but I want 10 (yes ten) weekend sailing passes - complete agreement - A sailing pass is from Friday night to Sunday afternoon - each allows pure sailing pleasure, no moaning or grizzling for the week previous or long sulks and "you selfish b*****d" when you get back. 5 of may passes are "Delux" which means she packs the bag, drives me to the marina, carries bag and provisions to the boat and graciously waves from the jetty omn departure. - Happy days

 

[Guest]

Brilliant! Why wasn\'t this posted on Sunday?nm

*

 

[Guest]

SUPERB! Can I quote you ...

...in TheSeaMag on the Man Talk page? I'm truly impressed. Also quite pleased to see that I haven't been breaking too many of the rules without knowing it. I had a headache once. Once.

 

[Guest]

I have no problem!

...with stinkpots, any of the rules or your wife either, come to that! Ours is a plastic tub (frozen snot, Herreschoff called it) and I think anything that floats, large or small, made of whatever and powered by whatever, is better than anything that doesn't float.

 

[Guest]

Oops! Need stronger specs!

Thought your message was a response to mine. Anyone know where I can get a DIY brain surgery kit? ;-))

 

[Guest]

Re: I did such a good job...

of selling it to my wife I ended up with a real caravan. I hate caravans.

I also ended up buying her a half acre garden extension. I hate gardens.

Two basset hounds to share her garden. They hate Tom.

Still I get to sail a lot as nature intended. No! I keep my kit on. With people who want to be there.

Tom

 

[Guest]

Re: Consider yourself lucky!

Sex is what they put coal in!

 

[Guest]

Re: I have no problem!

Becarefull Linnet what about mersey goldfish! They float.

 

[Guest]

Here\'s a solution!

MEN'S CHAIN LETTER

This letter was started in hopes of bringing relief to other tired and discouraged yachtsmen. Unlike most chain letters, this one does not cost anything.

Just send a copy of this letter to five of your friends who are equally tired and discontented. Then bundle up your wife or girlfriend and send her to the man whose name appears at the top of this posting, and add your name to the bottom. When your turn comes, you will receive 16,255 women. One of them is bound to like yachting. At the time of writing this, a friend of mine had already received 184 women, 4 of whom were worth keeping. Remember - this chain brings luck. One man's cat died, and the next day he received a Dallas Cowboy cheerleader. You can be lucky too, so DO NOT BREAK THIS CHAIN!

One man broke the chain and got his own wife back.

-------------

(Thanks to CRB who posted this in response to an earlier 'wife hates boating' thread).

 

[Guest]

Re: Don\'t tell the crew, she\'ll only organise her own mutiny...

I can't take credit for these, they are quite old. I am pleased I saved them though.

Only ONE headache. Now I'm impressed.

 

[Guest]

Re: What are you planning, have you seen "The Plan"?..nm.. ...

As a female you should not be looking here.

 

[Guest]

Are you referring to wives/females/ladies

as "stinkpots" ? As in it is their world because they make the rules.

 

[Guest]

Re: Selling it to the wife - Medical query? (part II)

Is it normal for PMS last for 23 days each and every month?