EME
Active member
1. Food has replaced sex in my life, now I can't even get into my own
pants.
2. The closest I ever got to a high score in school was my blood alcohol content.
3. Marriage changes passion...suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
4. I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said
"Implants?"
5. I don't do drugs anymore 'cause I find I get the same effect just
standing up fast.
6. Sign in a Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..."
7. I have my own little world. But it's OK...they know me here.
8. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
9. I got a sweater for Christmas...I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.
10. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
11. I don't approve of political jokes...I've seen too many of them get
elected.
12. The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no
trade-in value.
13. There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and shithead's.
14. If life deals you lemons, make lemonade; if it deals you tomatoes, make
Bloody Marys. But if it deals you a truckload of hand grenades... now
THAT'S a message!
15. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you
want to annoy for the rest of your life.
16. Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at the bowling alley.
17. I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
18. I married my wife for her looks...but not the ones she's been giving me
lately!
19. Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days
I've stayed alive.
21. Welcome to Shit Creek -- Sorry, We're Out of Paddles !
22. How come they choose from just two people to run for president and 50
for Miss America?
23. Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing
section in a swimming pool?
24. Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?
25. Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.
26. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mum's wise words:
"Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!"
A boat, a boat, my kingdom for a boat..
pants.
2. The closest I ever got to a high score in school was my blood alcohol content.
3. Marriage changes passion...suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
4. I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said
"Implants?"
5. I don't do drugs anymore 'cause I find I get the same effect just
standing up fast.
6. Sign in a Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..."
7. I have my own little world. But it's OK...they know me here.
8. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
9. I got a sweater for Christmas...I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.
10. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
11. I don't approve of political jokes...I've seen too many of them get
elected.
12. The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no
trade-in value.
13. There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and shithead's.
14. If life deals you lemons, make lemonade; if it deals you tomatoes, make
Bloody Marys. But if it deals you a truckload of hand grenades... now
THAT'S a message!
15. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you
want to annoy for the rest of your life.
16. Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at the bowling alley.
17. I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
18. I married my wife for her looks...but not the ones she's been giving me
lately!
19. Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days
I've stayed alive.
21. Welcome to Shit Creek -- Sorry, We're Out of Paddles !
22. How come they choose from just two people to run for president and 50
for Miss America?
23. Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing
section in a swimming pool?
24. Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?
25. Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.
26. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mum's wise words:
"Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!"
A boat, a boat, my kingdom for a boat..
