joke wanted for a speech.

[kds]

I have the Laying-up supper and prizegiving tomorrow - and someone has just told my joke in the club.
Any one got a vaguely yachty joke for me to replace it ?
Please !
ken

 

[Twister_Ken]

A vaguely yachty joke?

The Island Packet SP cruiser?

 

[Twister_Ken]

Not quite yachtie but...

Submarine officer gets married

Best man reading out the telegrams

From the Captain, HMS Spearfish to Lieutenant Smith.

Report depth and position at midnight.

 

[snowleopard]

Try Google.

Here are a few oldies to start you off

 

[LadyInBed]

I have the Laying-up supper and prizegiving

Ah! you want a 'getting laid' joke

Men are like cement - After getting laid, they take a long time to get hard.

A Russian, an Italian and an Irishman got out of work and were deciding where to go for a drink.The Irishman said "Let's all go to O'Learys. With every third round, the bartender will give each of us a free Guiness." The Italian said "That sounds good, but if we go to Baldini's with every third round they bring a free bottle of wine to the table." The Russian said "That sounds fine but if we go to Gouvstof's we drink for free all night and then go out into the parking lot and get laid." "That sounds to good to be true!" the Irishman exclaimed. "Have you actually been there?" "No," the Russian replied, "but my wife goes there all the time."


or

..One day there were four nuns in line for confessional.
The first nun said, "Forgive me, father, for I have sinned."

He asked how.
She said "I saw a man's private part." He told her to wash her eyes with holy water.
The second nun comes in and says, "Forgive me, father, for I have sinned."
He asked how.
"I touched a man's private parts." He told her to wash her hands in holy water.
Then he heard the third and fourth nun fighting.
He asked why they were fighting.
The fourth nun said,
"I'm not going to wash my mouth in the holy water if she is going to sit in it."

Where's the sailing connection? - Water of course

A guy is in a sailboat on the ocean when a storm comes up. A powerboat pulls up to him and offers to tow him to safety. He says "I am a devout man, I know that God will save me - you go ahead into shore."

The storm gets a worse. A coast guard patrol boat pull up to him and offers to tow him to safety. He says again "I am a devout man, I know that God will save me - you go ahead into shore."

The storm is getting terrible now - waves splash over his little boat. A helicopter comes out hovering over the boat and drops a ladder down to the man. He waves them off, saying again "I am a devout man, I know that God will save me"

The storm rages out of control, the man is swept off the boat and drowns. Being a devout man, he goes up to heaven - where he meets God. He asks of God: "I have worshipped you all my life, yet you did not save me from the storm, why?" God replies: "Dumbass. I sent a powerboat to get you, I sent the Coast Guard to get you, I sent helicopters out to save you...."


Or try http://www.jokesforum.com/sailing-jokes/

 

[Wunja]

Old one.....

Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees North to avoid a collision; your call.
Canadians: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees South to avoid collision; your call.
Americans: This is the captain of a US navy ship; I say again divert your course; your call.
Canadians: No. I say again, you divert your course; your call.
Americans: This is the aircraft carrier USS Lincoln, the second largest ship in the United States’ atlantic fleet. We are accompanied by three destroyers, three cruisers and numerous support vessels. I demand that you change your course 15 degrees North. That’s one five degrees North, or counter measures will be undertaken to ensure the safety of this ship; your call.
Canadians: We are a lighthouse; your call.

 

[MoodySabre]

Just take the mickey out of the commodore - that will find an appreciative audience.

 

[kds]

joke ?

Just take the mickey out of the commodore - that will find an appreciative audience.

Thank you VERY much - I am the commodore !!!

 

[flaming]

Thank you VERY much - I am the commodore !!!

You should have plenty of material then!

 

[Saguday]

Thank you VERY much - I am the commodore !!!

Make it autobiographical

 

[matsandys]

an old one ...

Ship carrying red paint collides with ship carrying blue paint. Crew marooned!

 

[doug748]

Ah! you want a 'getting laid' joke

Men are like cement - After getting laid, they take a long time to get hard.


or

..One day there were four nuns in line for confessional.
The first nun said, "Forgive me, father, for I have sinned."

He asked how.
She said "I saw a man's private part." He told her to wash her eyes with holy water.
The second nun comes in and says, "Forgive me, father, for I have sinned."
He asked how.
"I touched a man's private parts." He told her to wash her hands in holy water.
Then he heard the third and fourth nun fighting.
He asked why they were fighting.
The fourth nun said,
"I'm not going to wash my mouth in the holy water if she is going to sit in it."

Or try http://www.jokesforum.com/sailing-jokes/

......Yacht Club not Rugby Club

Mind you if you are going to use those gags, I will have a ticket!

 

[OGITD]

Yes they did!

Not quite yachtie but...

Submarine officer gets married

Best man reading out the telegrams

From the Captain, HMS Spearfish to Lieutenant Smith.

Report depth and position at midnight.

This one WAS announced at MY wedding.

 

[kds]

FEED-BACK on jokes wanted

Thanks - I did use a couple of them and did make it autobiographical. Seemed to go down OK ?
Worst part was staying sober !!!
Ken

 

[AlyxSylvr]

sailing joke

A catamaran was sailing in the frostbite race when a large wave de-masted it. This was reported in the clubs scuttlebutt news as a Catafrostic Dismaster !!!!