Noah the boat builder (Humour)

[oldsaltoz]

The story of Noah and the Ark..
Hmmmm, interesting theory

If Noah had lived in Australia, the Lord would have spoken to Noah and said,
” In one year, I am going to make it rain and cover the whole earth with water until all flesh is destroyed.

I want you to save the righteous people and two of every kind of living thing on the earth. Therefore, I am commanding you to build an Ark.

" In a flash of lightning, God delivered the specifications for an Ark. In fear and trembling, Noah took the plans and agreed to build the Ark.

"Remember" said the Lord, "You must complete the Ark and bring everything aboard in one year."

Exactly one year later, fierce storm clouds covered the earth and all the seas of the earth went into a tumult.

The Lord saw Noah was sitting in his front yard weeping. "Noah," He shouted. "Where is the Ark?" "Lord, please forgive me!" cried Noah, but I haven't made any milestones on Your Construction Programme.

"I did my best, but there were big problems. First, I had to get a permit for construction and your plans did not comply with the codes.

I had to hire an engineering firm and redraw the plans. Then I got into a fight with Occupational Health & Safety Commission over whether or not, the Ark needed to be erected using certified scaffolding, or if a fire sprinkler system and flotation devices had to be installed.

Then my neighbour objected, claiming I was violating zoning ordinances by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to lodge a Rezoning Application with the City Council and it is now with the Land & Environment Court.

I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark, because there was a ban on cutting trees to protect the Kookaburra. I finally convinced the Department of Conservation & Land Management that I needed the wood to save the Kookaburras. However, National Parks & Wildlife won't let me catch any Kookaburras, so, no Kookaburras."

"The carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the Department of Industrial Relations before anyone would pick up a saw or a hammer. Now, I have 16 carpenters on the Ark, but still no Kookaburras."

"When I started rounding up the other animals, I got sued by the RSPCA. They objected to me only taking two of each kind aboard. Just when I got the suit dismissed, the EPA notified me that I could not complete the Ark without filing in an Environmental Impact Assessment on "Your proposed world flood”.

"They didn't take very kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of the Creator of the universe.

Then the Department of Land and Water Conservation demanded a map of the proposed new flood plain. So I sent them a complete set of UBDs and Gregory's.

Right now, I am trying to resolve a complaint filed with the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission that I am practising discrimination by not taking godless, unbelieving people aboard!"

"The Australian Tax Office has seized my assets, claiming that I'm building the Ark in preparation to flee the country to avoid paying taxes. I also have to wait for the registration of my ABN for the GST.

I just got a notice from the Waterways Authority that I owe them some kind of user tax and failed to register the Ark as a "recreational water craft.." "I also need a Boat Drivers Licence, but they are debating about how to classify the craft.

I am getting continual visits from Green Peace, the RSPCA, Work Cover, the Sheriff's Office, Environmental Auditors and numerous other government departments."

"Finally, the Australian Council for Civil Liberties got the courts to issue an injunction against further construction of the Ark, saying that since God is flooding the earth, it is a religious event and therefore unconstitutional.

I really don't think I can finish the Ark for another 5 or 6 years!” Noah wailed.

The sky began to clear, the sun began to shine and the seas began to calm.
A rainbow arched across the sky.
Noah looked up hopefully. "You mean you are not going to destroy the earth, Lord?"
"No" said the Lord sadly, "I don't have to. The Aussie Bureaucracy has beaten me to it! But I'll send a drought instead."



<hr width=100% size=1> Old Salt Oz /forums/images/icons/cool.gif Growing old is unavoidable. However, growing up is still optional.

 

[alan43]

Not quite that bad ...

The Golden Phone

An American decided to write a book about famous churches around the world.
So he bought a plane ticket and took a trip to Orlando, thinking that he
would start by working his way across the USA from South to North. On his
first day he was inside a church taking photographs when he noticed golden
telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read "$10,000 per call".

The American, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what the
telephone was used for. The priest replied that it was a direct line to
heaven and that for $10,000 you could talk to God. The American thanked the
priest and went along his way.

Next stop was in Atlanta. There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the same
golden telephone with the same sign under it. He wondered if this was the
same kind of telephone he saw in Orlando and he asked a nearby nun what its
purpose was. She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for
$10,000 he could talk to God. "O.K., thank you," said the American.

He then travelled to Indianapolis, Washington DC, Philadelphia, Boston, and
New York. In every church he saw the same golden telephone with the same
"$10,000 per call" sign under it.

The American, upon leaving Vermont decided to travel to AUSTRALIA to see if
Australians had the same phone. He arrived in Australia, and again, in the
first church he entered, there was the same golden telephone, but this time
the sign under it read "40 cents per call." The American was surprised so
he asked the priest about the sign.

"Father, I've travelled all over America and I've seen this same golden
telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line to Heaven,
but in the US the price was $10,000 per call. Why is it so cheap here?"

The priest smiled and answered, "You're in Australia now, son - it's a
local call".

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