Learning to share duties with my other half

[SvenH]

I count myself lucky in that my other half enjoys sailing as much as I do, and that she says "Nice!" when the wind picks up.

On the sailing part we function more or less as equals.

But when maneuvering things are different, but both of us would like them to be more the same.
Maneuvering in this context is anywhere between having the sails up and being docked, plus busy situations when either under sail or under power.

I take my role as skipper very seriously with regards to safety of boat and occupants but I think that safety is also a bit too much on the scratches side of things.
I don't want my wife to make mistakes in a way that probably prevents her from learning and that nine out of ten times probably would go fine without my interaction.

It is just that as we get in to a situation where I need to gather all the info at once but my wife has a better overview than me because she has been at the helm for some time, I still take over because that gives me a quicker feel for the situation, but that does not help in building confidence for my wife.

I'd like my wife to gain confidence in being at the helm in the more involved work, and for that I will need to take a step back.

Do any of you have experience in this kind of thing?
Oh, and maybe good to know, we are a crew of three, including a 4 year old.

 

[lw395]

I encouraged my wife to get qualifications, build experience by racing with other people and become confident steering.
I would suggest making time to build confidence. Both your wife being confident with the boat and you being confident in her handling the boat.
We're all amateurs who don't get enough practice!

I did buy some bigger fenders....

 

[maby]

I assume that you were not one of those exceedingly rare individuals who was born able to park a sailing boat, so you must have learned at some point. Think back to how you did that and try to go through the same process with your wife as the student. It's the same kind of process as learning to park a car - engineer some simple situations by selecting easily accessible vacant pontoon berths and letting her manouver it in, then build up to more complex situations.

My wife and I did the Day Skipper Practical together and in the assessment on the last day, the teacher told me that I was good on the helm, but terrible at deck work. He said that my wife was the exact opposite - her rope work and sail management was excellent, but she could not steer the boat. He passed us both on the condition that we reversed roles for a few months!

 

[Concerto]

Last year I took a couple out for a couple of sails as they knew nothing about boat handling or sailing - but had bought a yacht. I started by showing how to berth in various berths and making sure he tried it as well, talking him through until I was happy he understood how to handle the boat. This is the approach I would suggest you do with your wife. Start with a hammerhead alongside berth and progress to wide finger pontoon without another boat on the other finger. Then making each one more difficult. It will also help you improve your skills as well.

 

[Martin&Rene]

I knew that my wife is not as strong as me and is not good with ropework, so right from before we bought a yacht, I said she would have to do the marina driving. 10 years on, that is the way we do it, apart from when it is a bit of fancy reversing work, where she still does not feel over happy. She had to cope with an awkward berth, as a common wind pattern was being blown in to the berth, off the finger pontoon, with a prop kick in reverse that would take us away from the pontoon and our berthing partner was a flashy motorboat.

Start off with more practice around mooring buoys, steering amongst them, coming alongside them and reversing up to them, (a good way of getting a line on a buoy with no pick up line). Then more practice in a quiet marina in different mooring situations. Before each attempt ask her what she thinks she will do and what you will do and then talk through precisely what the approach, or the departure will be. The aim is to avoid a situation developing where you think you will have to take over. Also do not play the macho game of doing it with as few as fenders as possible; we may look like a training school yacht when we come into a marina, but denting a boat will really put a dent in her confidence.

To solve our berthing problem, I have a small loop of rope which I drop over the outboard end cleat of the finger pontoon. To it, one line runs to a mid cleat and is the exact length so we know we are not going to hit the main walkway with the bow (that removes one worry). Another line runs to a winch so that if she puts the yacht into reverse to slow it down, she can winch in to keep the stern swinging out and hitting the adjacent boat (removes another worry).

 

[maby]

.....
Also do not play the macho game of doing it with as few as fenders as possible; we may look like a training school yacht when we come into a marina, but denting a boat will really put a dent in her confidence.

....

The correct number of fenders on a boat is easy to calculate - it's the periphery of the boat divided by the diameter of a fender.

 

[Richard10002]

I would do some kind of fairly advanced boat handling course with her, with the emphasis on her getting more of the handling experience where possible. This could be a day, or a week.

You will both learn things you didnt already know, and your wife will get to do things that you might ordinarily take over from her, because you wont be allowed to

 

[William_H]

Just be patient and let her do as much as possible or she wishes to do. The real problem is that the boat is yours as she sees it and you have to repair any damage. So you will always be captain for those reasons. So reassurance regarding any possible disaster and encouragement while showing her that you will always be responsible. might help. ol'will

 

[Momac]

A good team has people with different strengths and skills.

 

[KellysEye]

Jane aaw always helmed our boat I dealt with the sails, the wind vane, anchoring and tying up n a marina.

 

[Sandy]

The correct number of fenders on a boat is easy to calculate - it's the periphery of the boat divided by the diameter of a fender.

I'd be interested to see the research on that.

 

[Laysula]

My wife does all the helming. This became a natural thing to do after the first time we picked up a mooring buoy and she didn't have the strength to lift it to the deck. When it comes to Marina berthing we have the same system as Martin and Rene which also works well for us. Lou always moors the boat whatever as she is now the most experienced at it, and I am the most agile. At sea she also helms as I have the muscle to trim sails etc. This also means that I am the tea boy. We can if necessary do each others jobs but were happy as it is. I feel blessed to have such a wonderful wife to sail with.

 

[Gerry]

Very early on in our sailing careers we employed a yachtmaster examiner for a day simply to help me learn how to handle the boat in a marina. It was some of the best money we ever spent. It became abundantly clear to us that I was more than capable of handling the boat and that my husband functioned better at ropes etc... From that day onwards I had the confidence to handle the boat in close quarters.

 

[Seajet]

It's sadly common to see the ' skipper, boss ' hubby on the tiller / wheel and throttle while the wife / girlfriend has to haul the anchor up etc - years ago my Mum had her hand badly injured doing this, resulting in a dash to Lymington and 999 ambulance ride.

It's in the interest of the skipper for self preservation if they go over the side, to brief the crew on boat handling ASAP, and if being a gentleman ( not being sexist but it's usually a husband and wife team ) do the heavy work.

 

[JumbleDuck]

I take my role as skipper very seriously with regards to safety of boat and occupants ...

Perhaps that's the issue. I know that many people prefer to have "a" skipper, and it works well for them, but it really isn't any more necessary than having one person who is in charge of the family car, whoever is driving. Perhaps it would be worth sharing the skipper role, or if you prefer to have one take a day each in turn.

It is just that as we get in to a situation where I need to gather all the info at once but my wife has a better overview than me because she has been at the helm for some time, I still take over because that gives me a quicker feel for the situation, but that does not help in building confidence for my wife.

The first thing in that case is to avoid, between you, getting into situations where urgent action is needed as much as possible. The second is to stop taking over. because, as you recognize, that's a sure-fire way to stop confidence building and destroy what's there.

My young crew is rapidly learning how to take charge of the boat (the only thing I still always do is pontoons, and I hope that will change next year) and my motto for that learning process, as with everything else, is "You got yourself into that; you get yourself out of that." In other words, unless actual disaster is imminent I keep my nose out of it. It's very tempting sometimes just to take over, but it won't do any good.

None of this is intended as any sort of personal criticism. Changing the dynamic between two people who know each other very well is always tricky, Good luck!

 

[Seajet]

https://duckduckgo.com/?q=enterpise...b=v168-1&ia=videos&iax=videos&iai=lKogc14hHtQ

 

[johnalison]

My wife used to do much of the helming but has been less confident since we moved up to 34 ft. I regret this now, but like most couples we have worked out our modus operandi.

It is relatively common to see on other boats the wife doing the helming stuff while the man does the more athletic business with ropes etc, but there should be no hard and fast rule. It's not as if there were no boats with all-woman crews. A friend had a Sadler32 for many years and it was the wife's job to raise the 35lb CQR by hand. My wife is happy to raise the anchor, but she has an electric winch to help her.

 

[Muddy32]

Best experience is being allowed to make mistakes, and not being reprimanded for them.

 

[Richard10002]

Very early on in our sailing careers we employed a yachtmaster examiner for a day simply to help me learn how to handle the boat in a marina. It was some of the best money we ever spent. It became abundantly clear to us that I was more than capable of handling the boat and that my husband functioned better at ropes etc... From that day onwards I had the confidence to handle the boat in close quarters.

Did exactly the same in Lagos Marina in 2007.... even after 30 years of sailing experience, marina handling was something I'd rarely been responsible for, and wasn't good at. A couple of months later I did a weeks training ending with my Yachtmaster exam, and my wife did Competent Crew at the same time.

 

[johnalison]

Did exactly the same in Lagos Marina in 2007.... even after 30 years of sailing experience, marina handling was something I'd rarely been responsible for, and wasn't good at. A couple of months later I did a weeks training ending with my Yachtmaster exam, and my wife did Competent Crew at the same time.

The modern AWB makes it fairly easy to manoeuvre in marinas, though the arrival of twin rudders has made it a better spectator sport. Some people never seem to acquire the spatial awareness needed, as the scars on my boat show. I don't see any difference between men an women in this respect, and possibly men are liable to be more cavalier in their attitude to other people's property. For myself, I found that I was having difficulty judging distance while wearing sunglasses, so I always take them off before any close encounters. Watching experts coming in can often be revealing, and I still learn from seeing others. The one thing the experts all have is that they do everything slowly.