BarryD
New member
LH741: "Tower, give me a rough timecheck!"
Tower: "It's Tuesday, Sir."
Tower: "Have you got enough fuel or not?"
Pilot: "Yes."
Tower: "Yes what??"
Pilot: "Yes, SIR!"
Pilot: "...Tower, please call me a fuel truck."
Tower: "Roger. You are a fuel truck."
Tower: "Phantom-Formation crossing control zone without clearance, state your callsign!"
Pilot: "I'm not that silly..."
Tower (in Stuttgart): "Lufthansa 5680, reduce to 170 knots."
Pilot: "This is here like Frankfurt. There is also only 210 and 170 knots...But we are flexible."
Tower: "We too. Reduce to 173 knots."
Pilot: "Ground, XY-line 195, requesting start-up."
Tower: "Sorry, XY-line 195, we don't have your flight plan. What is your destination?"
Pilot: "To Leipzig, like every Monday."
Tower: "But today is Tuesday!"
Pilot: "WHAT? But Tuesday we are off!"
Tower: "Hawk 20, is this the same aircraft declaring emergency about two hours ago ?"
Pilot: "Negative, Sir. It's only the same pilot."
Tower: "Delta Fox Alpha, hold position, Marshall will park you."
Pilot: "Roger. Looking out for John Wayne."
Munchen II Tower: "LH 8610 cleared for take-off."
Pilot (LH 8610): "But we are not even landed."
Tower: "Who then is standing at 26 south ?"
Pilot (LH 8801): "LH 8801."
Tower: "OK, then you are cleared for take-off."
Tower: "You have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"
Pilot: "Give us another hint, we have digital watches!"
Tower: "Mission 123, do you have problems?"
Pilot: "I think, I have lost my compass."
Tower: "Judging the way you are flying, you lost the whole instrument panel!"
Pilot: "Good morning, Frankfurt ground, KLM 242 request start up and push back, please."
Tower: "KLM 242 expect start up in two hours."
Pilot: "Please confirm: two hours delay?"
Tower: "Affirmative."
Pilot: "Cancel the good morning!"
Eggenfelden Info : "D-EXXX pls. report persons aboard."
D-EXXX (C-172) : "Pilot and two pax and one dog."
Eggenfelden Info (after Cessna finally bounced to stop): "Assume the Pilot in Command was the dog ?"
After not receiving permission from the tower for clearance to start engines a first officer of Lufthansa Fokker Friendship was told;
Tower: "If you want engine start clearance, you have to ask in English."
F/O: "Why? I am German, working for a German company, in a German airport, why must I ask in English"
Passing unknown BA flight "Because you lost the bloody war"
Student pilot lost on one of his cross country's
Pilot: "Unknown airport with Cessna 152 circling overhead, please identify your self!"
At Hamburg a BA 747 stopped on the taxi-way whilst the pilot sorted out his landing cards for the correct gate
Tower: BA236, why have you stopped?
BA234: Wait one tower, confirming gate routing
Tower: Have you not been here BEFORE?
BA234: Once in 1944 but I didn't stop
Also at Hamburg, known for their seagull / bird problem
Tower: BA523 Why have you stopped taxiing?
BA523: We seem to have ingested one of your seagulls into one of our engines
Tower: Which one?
BA523: Don't know Tower, it was white with a black beak if that helps?
In a stack of New Jersey - with 20 + planes going round and round waiting for clearance to land...
Tower: "All stations, New Jersey control announce an additional 30 minutes delay"
Unknown: "Well for f**ks sake"
Tower: "Who said that?"
No answer
Tower: "BA123 did you say f**k?"
BA123: "Negative on the f**k"
Tower: "US Air 94 did you say...
And so on through the whole pattern
A businessman flying late one night into his local field skipped radio procedure and instead of calling at the reporting point appeared in the overhead:
Pilot: "Guess who..."
The tower turned off the runway lights...
Tower: "Guess where..."
A BA flight coming into LA at dusk
Pilot: "LA Central, please confirm you have the runway lights to on?"
Tower: "Lights on, dusk setting"
Pilot: "Er... we can't see the lights clearly, can you increase them to night setting"
Tower: "Night setting"
Pilot: "Still can't make them, request storm setting"
Tower: "Storm setting"
Pilot: "Negative visual on the lights"
Tower: "Are you by any chance still wearing your sunglasses?"
Pilot: <delay> "We have you know LA"
A cargo plane landing a New Jersey, comes over the threshold fast and touches down long with it's brakes smoking
Tower: "KLM Heavy 85 depart runway at taxiway 6"
KLM Heavy: "Inability tower, request taxiway 8"
Tower: "KLM Heavy cleared for taxiway 8, if not able join Interstate 9 take exit 4 and re-enter airport via main gate"
Finally (no really)
RAF Tutor: "If we have to leave the aircraft in a hurry I will say Eject - Eject"
Trainee: Looks worried
RAF Tutor: "If you hear me say eject a 3rd time you can assume I have a very long mike lead"
F86 sabres (USA Military Jets) don't fly very well on fire, whilst in the pattern the No2. sees smoke coming from his leaders plane...
No 2: "Eject Colonel, you're on fire"
Result: 4 smoking holes in the ground as various Colonels in the pattern eject..
So you unscrew this, and put it safely here, then oopps...
All - IMHO, BTW, FWIW and NWGOI
Tower: "It's Tuesday, Sir."
Tower: "Have you got enough fuel or not?"
Pilot: "Yes."
Tower: "Yes what??"
Pilot: "Yes, SIR!"
Pilot: "...Tower, please call me a fuel truck."
Tower: "Roger. You are a fuel truck."
Tower: "Phantom-Formation crossing control zone without clearance, state your callsign!"
Pilot: "I'm not that silly..."
Tower (in Stuttgart): "Lufthansa 5680, reduce to 170 knots."
Pilot: "This is here like Frankfurt. There is also only 210 and 170 knots...But we are flexible."
Tower: "We too. Reduce to 173 knots."
Pilot: "Ground, XY-line 195, requesting start-up."
Tower: "Sorry, XY-line 195, we don't have your flight plan. What is your destination?"
Pilot: "To Leipzig, like every Monday."
Tower: "But today is Tuesday!"
Pilot: "WHAT? But Tuesday we are off!"
Tower: "Hawk 20, is this the same aircraft declaring emergency about two hours ago ?"
Pilot: "Negative, Sir. It's only the same pilot."
Tower: "Delta Fox Alpha, hold position, Marshall will park you."
Pilot: "Roger. Looking out for John Wayne."
Munchen II Tower: "LH 8610 cleared for take-off."
Pilot (LH 8610): "But we are not even landed."
Tower: "Who then is standing at 26 south ?"
Pilot (LH 8801): "LH 8801."
Tower: "OK, then you are cleared for take-off."
Tower: "You have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"
Pilot: "Give us another hint, we have digital watches!"
Tower: "Mission 123, do you have problems?"
Pilot: "I think, I have lost my compass."
Tower: "Judging the way you are flying, you lost the whole instrument panel!"
Pilot: "Good morning, Frankfurt ground, KLM 242 request start up and push back, please."
Tower: "KLM 242 expect start up in two hours."
Pilot: "Please confirm: two hours delay?"
Tower: "Affirmative."
Pilot: "Cancel the good morning!"
Eggenfelden Info : "D-EXXX pls. report persons aboard."
D-EXXX (C-172) : "Pilot and two pax and one dog."
Eggenfelden Info (after Cessna finally bounced to stop): "Assume the Pilot in Command was the dog ?"
After not receiving permission from the tower for clearance to start engines a first officer of Lufthansa Fokker Friendship was told;
Tower: "If you want engine start clearance, you have to ask in English."
F/O: "Why? I am German, working for a German company, in a German airport, why must I ask in English"
Passing unknown BA flight "Because you lost the bloody war"
Student pilot lost on one of his cross country's
Pilot: "Unknown airport with Cessna 152 circling overhead, please identify your self!"
At Hamburg a BA 747 stopped on the taxi-way whilst the pilot sorted out his landing cards for the correct gate
Tower: BA236, why have you stopped?
BA234: Wait one tower, confirming gate routing
Tower: Have you not been here BEFORE?
BA234: Once in 1944 but I didn't stop
Also at Hamburg, known for their seagull / bird problem
Tower: BA523 Why have you stopped taxiing?
BA523: We seem to have ingested one of your seagulls into one of our engines
Tower: Which one?
BA523: Don't know Tower, it was white with a black beak if that helps?
In a stack of New Jersey - with 20 + planes going round and round waiting for clearance to land...
Tower: "All stations, New Jersey control announce an additional 30 minutes delay"
Unknown: "Well for f**ks sake"
Tower: "Who said that?"
No answer
Tower: "BA123 did you say f**k?"
BA123: "Negative on the f**k"
Tower: "US Air 94 did you say...
And so on through the whole pattern
A businessman flying late one night into his local field skipped radio procedure and instead of calling at the reporting point appeared in the overhead:
Pilot: "Guess who..."
The tower turned off the runway lights...
Tower: "Guess where..."
A BA flight coming into LA at dusk
Pilot: "LA Central, please confirm you have the runway lights to on?"
Tower: "Lights on, dusk setting"
Pilot: "Er... we can't see the lights clearly, can you increase them to night setting"
Tower: "Night setting"
Pilot: "Still can't make them, request storm setting"
Tower: "Storm setting"
Pilot: "Negative visual on the lights"
Tower: "Are you by any chance still wearing your sunglasses?"
Pilot: <delay> "We have you know LA"
A cargo plane landing a New Jersey, comes over the threshold fast and touches down long with it's brakes smoking
Tower: "KLM Heavy 85 depart runway at taxiway 6"
KLM Heavy: "Inability tower, request taxiway 8"
Tower: "KLM Heavy cleared for taxiway 8, if not able join Interstate 9 take exit 4 and re-enter airport via main gate"
Finally (no really)
RAF Tutor: "If we have to leave the aircraft in a hurry I will say Eject - Eject"
Trainee: Looks worried
RAF Tutor: "If you hear me say eject a 3rd time you can assume I have a very long mike lead"
F86 sabres (USA Military Jets) don't fly very well on fire, whilst in the pattern the No2. sees smoke coming from his leaders plane...
No 2: "Eject Colonel, you're on fire"
Result: 4 smoking holes in the ground as various Colonels in the pattern eject..
So you unscrew this, and put it safely here, then oopps...
All - IMHO, BTW, FWIW and NWGOI