Friday joke - N.B.

[Clive_Rigden]

Harking back to Yanita's "Al-Gebra" joke af the 19th., thought this one might amuse . . . /forums/images/icons/smile.gif

-------------

Three Red Indian braves had all got married at the same time, and kept their wigwams close together. Their wives all fell pregnant immediately after the joint ceremony (it being winter, and very cold and dark). So, unsurprisingly, they all were preparing to give birth at about the same time - as it happens, on exactly the same day. Each of their Indian brave husbands presented them - as was tradition - with a brand new animal skin, on which to give birth.

Running Stallion presented his bride with the skin of a cougar and she, Little Flower, was very proud. Run-Like-The-Wind had tracked and killed the largest bison that anybody in the tribe had ever seen, so it was natural that he should present this skin to his bride - Laughing Voice. The third brave - Deep Thought - was acknowledged as the cleverest in the tribe, and fiercely ambitious (everyone knew he would be chief one day). So he had traded for his skin with one of the French backwoodsman who visited occasionally. Nobody knew what the skin was. The Frenchman said that it had come from a far-off land, where there were horses that lived in the rivers and only came out on to land at night. Nobody believed this, but the pelt was a strong thick one, and Deep Thought was very proud to give it to his wife - Strong Thighs.

Then the day came when all the children were born, and it was a triumphant day - for all were sons. Little Flower presented Running Stallion with a strong son at four in the morning. Two hours later Laughing Voice matched this, by also giving birth to the son of Run-Like-The-Wind. And then there was a long wait. Strong Thighs struggled and struggled, but it was not until nearly sunset that - at last - she brought into the world two strong, healthy, boys for Deep thought.

Which just goes to prove ........................................

>

>

>

>

That the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides !

------------

/forums/images/icons/laugh.gif - well, I did anyhow !





<hr width=100% size=1>Khyber

 

[ChrisE]

For gods sake, clive I'm losing the will to live! Very good. and here's one for you:


What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these
questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

and

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass-kissing will take you

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that while Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the Bullshit and Ass Kissing that will put you over the top.



<hr width=100% size=1>

 

[Clive_Rigden]

Ho-ho ! /forums/images/icons/wink.gif

<hr width=100% size=1>Khyber

 

[Clive_Rigden]

and now for something a little seasonal to prepare us all . . .

- - - - - - - - -

Things you can only say at Christmas:


1. I prefer breasts to legs

2. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.

3. Smother the butter all over the breasts!

4. If I don't undo my trousers, I'll burst!

5. I've never seen a better spread!

6. I'm in the mood for a little dark meat.

7. Are you ready for seconds yet?

8. It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?

9. Just wait your turn, you'll get some!

10. Don't play with your meat.

11. Stuff it up between the legs as far as it will go.

12. Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?

13. I didn't expect everyone to come at the same time!

14. You still have a little bit on your chin.

15. How long will it take after you put it in?

16. You'll know it's ready when it pops up.

17. Just pull the end and wait for the bang.

18. That's the biggest bird I've ever had!

19. I'm so full, I've been gobbling nuts all morning

20. Wow, I didn't think I could handle all that and still want more!

/forums/images/icons/shocked.gif



<hr width=100% size=1>Khyber

 

[Magic_Sailor]

That reminds me

A young Indian brave was sitting outside the birthing teepee. Inside were his Father (the Chief of the tribe) and Mother - she was giving birth to his new brother or sister.

After many hours of moaning and screaming the Chief emerged from the teepee holding a new baby brother and holding him on high said "behold O great Sun god - my new Son - and his name will be Passing Cloud.

His older brother stepped forward and nervously spoke to his Father

"Excuse me O Father my Chief, why did you name my new brother Passing Cloud"?

"Why, my young brave, that is easy", he replied fondly. "I always name my children after the first thing I see when I come from teepee. So your younger sister is called Moonshine and you older sister is called Beautiful Flower". He paused and bent down next to his young Son who stared up lovingly into his craggy face.






"Why you ask, Two Dogs F****ng"?

(sorry Kim - it's just not the same if I'd cleaned it up)

Magic

<hr width=100% size=1><A target="_blank" HREF=http://practical-business.co.uk>Click for website!</A>

 

[BlueChip]

Me? I\'m not going!

NEW EVENING CLASSES FOR MEN!!!

ALL ARE WELCOME
OPEN TO MEN ONLY


Note: due to the complexity and level of difficulty, each course will accept a maximum of eight participants

The course covers two days, and topics covered in this course include:



DAY ONE

HOW TO FILL ICE CUBE TRAYS
Step by step guide with slide presentation

TOILET ROLLS- DO THEY GROW ON THE HOLDERS?
Roundtable discussion

DIFFERENCES BETWEEN LAUNDRY BASKET & FLOOR
Practicing with hamper (Pictures and graphics)

DISHES & SILVERWARE; DO THEY LEVITATE/FLY TO KITCHEN SINK OR DISHWASHER BY THEMSELVES?
Debate among a panel of experts.

LOSS OF VIRILITY
Losing the remote control to your significant other - Help line and support groups

LEARNING HOW TO FIND THINGS
Starting with looking in the right place instead of turning the house upside down while screaming - Open forum


DAY TWO

EMPTY MILK CARTONS; DO THEY BELONG IN THE FRIDGE OR THE BIN?
Group discussion and role play

HEALTH WATCH; BRINGING HER FLOWERS IS NOT HARMFUL TO YOUR HEALTH
PowerPoint presentation

REAL MEN ASK FOR DIRECTIONS WHEN LOST
Real life testimonial from the one man who did

IS IT GENETICALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO SIT QUIETLY AS SHE PARALLEL PARKS?
Driving simulation

LIVING WITH ADULTS; BASIC DIFFERENCES BETWEEN YOUR MOTHER AND YOUR PARTNER
Online class and role playing

HOW TO BE THE IDEAL SHOPPING COMPANION
Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques

REMEMBERING IMPORTANT DATES & CALLING WHEN YOU'RE GOING TO BE LATE
Bring your calendar or PDA to class

GETTING OVER IT; LEARNING HOW TO LIVE WITH BEING WRONG ALL THE TIME
Individual counsellors available


<hr width=100% size=1>

 

[BlueChip]

Advice wanted

Advice Needed

I would be most grateful for any advice anyone could give me on this matter of deep concern to me. For sometime now I've suspected that my girlfriend may be having an affair. You know the sort of thing. Her mobile rings, I answer, someone hangs up. Recently she has started going out 'with the girls' a lot and when I ask which girls it's always "Just some friends from work, you don't know them". I always used to keep an eye out for her taxi coming home but now she always walks up to the house, although I can hear a car setting off as if she has just got out of one around the corner. The other day I picked up her mobile, just to see what time it was, and she went mental, screaming at me that I should never touch her phone again and why was I checking up on her.

Anyway, I have never approached the subject with her. I kind of think deep down I don't really want to know the truth. But then last night she went out again and I decided that I would check up on her. I hid behind my car which I knew would give me a good view of the whole street so I could see which car she got out of on her return. It was whilst crouched behind my car that I noticed rust around my rear wheel arch.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Should I take it into a body repair shop or should I buy some stuff from Halfords and try to repair it myself?





<hr width=100% size=1>

 

[Koeketiene]

Friday joke - My contribution

Beware high-flying managers

A man in a hot air balloon realised he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The woman below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.

"I am," replied the woman. "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help so far."

The woman below responded, "You must be in management."

"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."




<hr width=100% size=1>Experience is a good teacher, but she sends in terrific bills.

 

[webcraft]

Re: Friday joke - My contribution

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment.

Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position and course to steer to the airport.

The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a handwritten sign, and held it in the helicopter's window.

The pilot's sign said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters.

People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER."

The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely.

After they were on the ground, the co-pilot asked the pilot how the "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER" sign helped determine their position.

The pilot responded "I knew that had to be the Microsoft building - that was obviously the helpdesk office, giving me a technically correct but completely useless answer."

- Nick

<hr width=100% size=1><font size=1><A target="_blank" HREF=http://www.bluemoment.com>http://www.bluemoment.com</A></font size=1>

 

[kunyang]

A contractor parks his brand new Porsche in front of the office to show
it off to his colleagues. As he's getting out of the car, a Truck
comes flying along too close to the curb and takes off the door before
speeding off.
Distraught, the contractor grabs his cell phone and calls the cops. Five
minutes later, the police arrive.
Before the cop has a chance to ask any questions, the contractor starts
screaming hysterically, "My Porsche, my beautiful silver Porsche is
ruined! No matter how long it's in the shop it'll simply never be the
same again!"
After the contractor finally finishes his rant, the policeman shakes his
head in disgust. "I can't believe how materialistic you bloody
contractors are," he says. "You lot are so focused on your possessions
that you don't notice anything else in your life."
"How can you say such a thing at a time like this?" snaps the
contractor.
The policeman replies, "Didn't you realise your left arm was torn off
when the truck hit you?"
The contractor looks down in absolute horror. "FC k ! ng hell!" he
screams.
"Where's my Rolex?!"



<hr width=100% size=1>