Fray Bentos - the critic's speak out

[john_morris_uk]

There are all sorts of things on the internet - and I was idly wasting a few moments surfing when I cam across some reports on The FB pies which are so beloved of some on these forums. I like to go sailing with my family - and I know that if I suggested for a nano-second that FB pies were going to be on the menu then I would be eating and sailing by myself in the future. The report can speak for itself:

First of all, a disclaimer. This isn’t about steak and kidney pie. It’s about chicken and mushroom pie. There wasn’t a category for that and when you suggest a product to Ciao it generally takes ages for them to be arsed to add it. I haven’t got that kind of patience, frankly. Anyway, you’ll probably like the chicken and mushroom one more. After all, kidney tastes just offal (apologies).


Believe it or not, I have never in my life had a Fray Bentos pie. That’s unusual, given that my diet consists mainly of peanuts, toast and the occasional banana. You’d think Fray Bentos pies would have slotted quite nicely into that list of nutritionally deficient foods. It might be because I’m Irish. We are not quite as beloved of tinned pies as the English are. There are other contrasts between the English and the Irish, mind. We’re more whimsical and charming and less obnoxious when in pubs abroad. We are more prone to gingerness, though, which levels the balance slightly.

When I do feel like having pie for tea, I generally head to my mum’s house. However, at the moment she’s on a mission to reduce the volume of food she has in her chest freezer. She’s on a hiding to nothing. Dig deep enough in there and you’ll find sides of beef and once, startlingly, a whole lamb. It’s not beyond the bounds of possibility that there’s a few neighbourhood pets crammed in there. Anyway, rather than going for what some would perceive to be the sensible option of buying less stuff and eating the stuff that’s already in there, she chose to remove all extraneous packaging from the food and then use the back of a shovel to pack it all in a bit more tightly. This resulted in misshapen and largely unidentifiable food. Thus, the last time I was there and she was cooking pie for dinner her response to my inquiry as to what was in the pie was, ‘well, I think it’s minced steak. But it could be pigeon. Or cherry. It’ll be a surprise.’ I opted out. On phoning her later I found out that it was actually rhubarb, which she served up with mashed potatoes, carrots and gravy. My stepfather, with infinite wisdom, ate it and said nothing.


I, however, was still without pie. So I went off to Tesco’s and, on the recommendation of a friend from Yorkshire, bought a Fray Bentos pie. Yorkshire people all seem to be born with innate pie knowledge. It’s probably to make up for the ridiculous accents. When you get to your local supermarket you’ll find them (the pies, not Yorkshire people) with all the other tinned stuff. I don’t normally supply this level of purchasing information because I can’t be arsed but in this case it’s necessary. Fray Bentos, you see, also make some of their pies in pudding format. I don’t know what the hell’s up with that. The aforementioned Yorkshire friend assures me that this is quite normal. However, puddings are sweet. Pies are mainly savoury. In an attempt to explain the whole conundrum to me he said that a steak and kidney pudding was just a deep filled pie. If I were you, I’d view the whole thing with suspicion and keep on walking to the proper pies.

When you get it home (I’m aware that I haven’t detailed how much it cost, by the way. I forgot to write that down on the back of my hand. Still, it’s only a pie. It’ll be less than 3 quid. Probably) you take off the lid. With a tin opener. I’m only telling you that because it took me a wee while to figure it out and I was smacking it with a fork and other utensils for ages before I realised. If you leave the lid on you risk one hell of an explosion. I know this because my ginger friend Paula once thought the optimum way to cook a tin of sweetcorn was to bung it in the oven at 180 degrees for half an hour. The ensuing chaos was entertaining but an oven’s quite an expensive thing to replace. I warn you; once you do manage to wrestle the lid off the thing the contents will look uninspiring at best. It just looks like a disc of wet lardy pastry. Anyway, stick it in the oven at 230 degrees (I think. Probably best to check the packaging on that score, though) and sit back and relax for half an hour. Or you could perhaps use the time wisely to prepare some carrots and asparagus as per the serving suggestion. Or, more realistically, you could shove a tray of oven chips in after the pie and go and have a cigarette and read comics (that’s what I did).


After the allotted time you will return to find that the pastry has risen really high and has also turned out to look quite tasty. It’s like a kind of pie magic. Then you have to serve it. The one I got was for two people, but you’d need to do loads of vegetables/chips/bread (depending on how lazy you are) to make a proper meal out of it. Serving it is also a bit tricky. If you’re seriously averse to washing up, or are a student, you could eat it out of the tin. If you like your meals on plates, you need to lever the pastry bit off and find a clean bit of kitchen counter to set it on (easier said than done in my house). Then you spoon out the contents and set the pastry on top, creating the illusion of homemade pie tastiness. This is where the wheels start to come off the wagon for Fray Bentos. The contents were at least 80% sauce/gravy. I counted just 8 bits of chicken and 2 mushrooms. I was as outraged as it’s possible to be over a pie related incident. Also, the chicken was an odd colour. Usually, you expect chicken to be white or slightly yellowish if it’s corn fed or organic (which, casting no slurs on the good people of Fray Bentos, I suspect their chicken is not). This chicken had more of a magenta hue. It couldn’t have been raw, as it was in the oven for 30 minutes and was piping hot when I tested it. All that remains, logically, is that Fray Bentos have some kind of training camp for pink chickens. I don’t even want to think about that.

Appearance aside, the pastry bit was lovely in a crumbly and fluffy way. The chicken was eccentrically coloured but tasted alright, the mushrooms took a bit of finding but seemed to be all that mushrooms can be, and the sauce had an unexpected and really quite strong metallic tang. Even putting an amount of salt on that will no doubt have notched my blood pressure up by a few points failed to take it away. In the end I gave up on it and just had the pastry. Now, I’m sure we all know that pastry and chips is a satisfying and delicious dinner but even so, I feel let down by Fray Bentos (and also by Yorkshire people but that’s a different matter). Fray Bentos promised me a lovely pie with chicken and mushrooms. What they delivered was some spectacularly genetically engineered chicken chunks in tainted mushroom soup with a pastry lid.


The moral of the story is: don’t trust Fray Bentos. They lie about their pies. Don’t trust people from Yorkshire, either.

 

[ChattingLil]

thanks for that. Confirms my worst suspicions. Coincidentally, I had my first FB pie a couple of weeks ago (after clearing out the boat stores). Steak and Kidney. Vile. Smelled of urine. Noone could touch it.

 

[colingr]

Brilliant. ANd I'm part Yorkshire

 

[bigwow]

Only a £1 each in Morrisons

 

[Poignard]

There are all sorts of things on the internet - and I was idly wasting a few moments surfing when I cam across some reports on The FB pies which are so beloved of some on these forums. I like to go sailing with my family - and I know that if I suggested for a nano-second that FB pies were going to be on the menu then I would be eating and sailing by myself in the future. The report can speak for itself:

You'll never go to Heaven now.

 

[vyv_cox]

I suspect that the description of the pie contents may perhaps have been manipulated for effect (never let the facts get in the way of a good story). We probably eat around six FB pies per season. I find his description unrecognisable as regards chicken and mushroom, but equally we find all the others to be reasonably filled, of good quality and tasty. OK, we know we are not going to get cordon bleu for £1, but they are perfectly fit for purpose.

 

[FB122]

Pie De La Angletere

Only a £1 each in Morrisons

We can't get them over here , and I miss my FB , mash and mushies !
I've got the ferry booked so we'll be over in the New Year to load up from Morrisons ...at a pound each !
When you are next snowed in over there you'll be grateful for a cupboard full of FB s ...
Haven is a FB Steak and Kidney Pie with a French Stick ! Ohhhww

 

[john_morris_uk]

I know I was slightly tongue in cheek with my post, and I have actually eaten a FB pie (once when I was a student 35 years ago!). The trouble is that I also discovered that one way to REALLY impress girls was to cook decent food... The rest as they say is history..

If you research comments on FB pies they score well on convenience for most, there seems to be a large divide over taste, and universal despair at how to get the cooked pie out of the tin and present it well on a plate. Perhaps presentation and FB pie in the same sentence is an oxymoron?

 

[Bassplayer]

Eucch.... Glad I'm a vegetarian.
Did "eat" a FB pie many years ago whilst still a meat eater - very unpleasant experience.
Much prefer my Linda McCartney veggie pies. Very tasty. Only side effect is that they make you sing badly out of tune.....

 

[fergie_mac66]

pudding

never get the pies if you are going to risk you life then it has to be a FB pudding !!

 

[FullCircle]

Proof that Full Circle is an FB fan.

This shot is of an exported FB pie, lovingly prepared in Oostende, during our maiden journey after launching, which shows that FB pies were in the forefront of our gastronomical store cupboard.

We had to use the very cheapest red wine as a post FB feast gargler to prevent any tinge of gastronomy interfering with the digestion.

I believe we have at least one of each flavour on board.

 

[Bodach na mara]

Fray Bentos pies are the reason for my dislike of gimbals for cookers. I was duty cook on a delivery trip from Clyde to Granton of a 40 ft Morgan Giles ketch. I was heating two pies in the oven and tinned potatoes and peas in two pots on the top (fortunately IN the tins and un-pierced). When the pies were heated, I opened the oven door, took the first one out and finding no-where else to put it, laid it on the door. The cooker tilted on its gimbals and the second pie slid off the shelf, cleared the door and landed upside down on the floor. Unfortunately I lost control at this point and said a rude word. A very loud and very very rude word. So loud that the rest of the crew appeared and saw what had happened to their dinner. The tins of potatoes and peas were also on the floor, but undamaged. It did show me the easiest way to get FB pies out of the tin, but the crew were strangely reluctant to eat the "floored" one. Nothing puts me off food.

The incident did not put me off FB pies. It took SWMBO to do that.

 

[brianhumber]

What are people worried about? Food is food.

FB corned beef heated up in a toaster was a staple snack when coming off the 8-12 or 12-4 before getting into the serious business of knocking a few G&Ts back in the bar/smokeroom. Used to melt in the mouth.

Happy days


Brian

 

[prv]

Fray Bentos pies are the reason for my dislike of gimbals for cookers. I was duty cook on a delivery trip from Clyde to Granton of a 40 ft Morgan Giles ketch. I was heating two pies in the oven and tinned potatoes and peas in two pots on the top (fortunately IN the tins and un-pierced). When the pies were heated, I opened the oven door, took the first one out and finding no-where else to put it, laid it on the door. The cooker tilted on its gimbals and the second pie slid off the shelf, cleared the door and landed upside down on the floor.

I've watched someone do precisely the same thing on a sailing school boat in the Helford river.

Pete

 

[john_morris_uk]

What are people worried about? Food is food.

FB corned beef heated up in a toaster was a staple snack when coming off the 8-12 or 12-4 before getting into the serious business of knocking a few G&Ts back in the bar/smokeroom. Used to melt in the mouth.

Happy days


Brian

Sorry - I have checked with SWMBO and food is NOT just food... She also says that FB and food in the same sentence is breaking the boundaries of good English.

Each to their own I guess.

 

[Lakesailor]

I am from Yorkshire and I would not trust me either.

 

[zarathustra]

The FB pies which are so beloved of some on these forums.

never heard of Fray Bentos, are they really popular in UK or is the whole article a spoof, I can't imagine why tinned pies would be popular anywhere. Now homemade pies made with real food are a different matter.

 

[john_morris_uk]

never heard of Fray Bentos, are they really popular in UK or is the whole article a spoof, I can't imagine why tinned pies would be popular anywhere. Now homemade pies made with real food are a different matter.

I rest my case!

But to answer your questions. yes Fray Bentos Pies are real, and no they are not generally popular - only popular with a certain element of the population. This apparently includes some middle aged male sailors.

The article I quote is not a spoof - and the fact that these 'pies' sell is a sad inditement of the culinary tastes and cooking ability of the British population. Perhaps I will get off the fence and give you my real opinion now... However I guess that Americans think that hamburgers are real food as well - so its not just us. Just to spread the pain and grief, and without wishing to sound even more of a foodie snobbish type person, one of the things I REALLY dislike about staying in the USA is the food - and to exacerbate it even more, the residents think its good! I remember being on a USN ship for a while, and the crew thought the food was 'awesome'. It wasn't...

 

[bigwow]

Sorry - I have checked with SWMBO and food is NOT just food... She also says that FB and food in the same sentence is breaking the boundaries of good English.

Each to their own I guess.

Not being allowed FB pies at home, apparently they are not good for my heart, I only get to eat them in emergency situations on the boat, the last time on a mooring at Roa Island when it was too rough to launch the dingy. Obviously FB pies are not just food certainly not M&S food, as the ad says, but they are nice, it’s the pastry that does it for me, sort of forbidden fruit.

 

[Poignard]

I remember being on a USN ship for a while, and the crew thought the food was 'awesome'. It wasn't...

Have you never eaten the food dished out to naval ratings? I was in a Colony class cruiser in the 1960s and the NAAFI shop did a roaring trade selling tinned food that we used to heat up on illicit hot plates that were carefully hidden when OOW's rounds were due. Heinz sausage-and-beans was especially popular, as I remember. Anything was better than the awful stuff that came out of the ratings' galley

We also had a scam going whereby one lad in our mess, who ran a private hammock-scrubbing service, had a deal going with the officers' cooks, so we used to get illicit fry-ups from the officers' galley. These were carried down to our messdeck in conditions of Colditz-like secrecy.

That was in the days when food was eaten in the messdeck. On my next ship, HMS Victorious, we had a communal dining (dining seems hardly an appropriate term) area and queued up with compartmentalised steel trays into which your entire meal was dumped. Bad weather produced some interesting food combinations as each compartment overflowed into its neighbour.

So your Reverence if, after that scathing experience in my formative years, I enjoy the occasional Fray Bentos pie, can't you find it in your heart to forgive me?