Boating for Men vs Boating for Women

[Lakesailor]

It seems to me that men are capable of getting very "into" their hobbies whereas women are, on the whole, very surface-skimming with respect to interests. That's not meant as a criticism.
Specifically taking boating, whether MOBO or Raggie, I find time and again that what was supposed to be a shared hobby becomes a bit of a contentious issue between couples. What was seen as "something we can do together" becomes a battle of unspoken desires and dislikes.
The man becomes (possibly) obsessed with getting the boat right, the mooring improved, the time and tide usefully used. The woman becomes less inclined to go out on the boat unless there is the promise of a sunny day, calm sea, and a destination "where we can stop and have something to eat".

So why is this? Why is the process of boating a male thing, and the benefits the reserve of the woman?

In my own case we decided that to get a small yacht would be a way for us to spend time together and enjoy the lake and sailing. Which in the past we hadn't shared particularly. Well, it was the Humber.
It didn't take too long before I realised SWMBO wasn't that interested in being a sail trimmer. In my experience a woman will be content to say" We're sailing, why bother altering that?" whereas as we know, the constant altering of the mainsheet. track, kicking strap and cunningham as well as moving the headsail cars and moving body mass to trim the boat is all part of the experience. It seems that SWMBO has not quite connected the wind strength and direction with our forward progress. Or that she understands why sitting on the windward side will result in less heeling.
Now I don't think this is her fault, or mine particularly, but I want to understand why she will still tell people that she enjoys sailing, but doesn't really seem connected with it.
I have started using the boat on my own now as well as together, which she says is fine by her as she doesn't want to go out if there is no sunshine.

I know my brother had a similar experience with his wife who initially was a keen dinghy sailor, but soon cooled to the extent that he had to find new crew.

This is not a plea for your opinions on my particular situation. It's not a problem. But I would like people to perhaps share their own experiences, and suggest why it is that men seem to get deeply involved in hobbies whereas women will generally not get as enthused.
Simply being on this forum is probably a good example of this difference.

 

[graham]

My wife enjoys sailing in good weather and likes being somewhere new and the socialising side of it.

If the weather is iffy she will go by train or bus and meet up with us,I dont mind single handing so this works for us.If unavoidably caught out in sloppy weather its OK but she will avoid it if possible.

If I forget to tie the tiller amidships and so have to urgently return to the boat the next day SWMBO thinks its just a blag. /forums/images/graemlins/grin.gif

 

[Wansworth]

Your observations certainly ring true. Not being a sociologist etc all I can say is in the main women control men and do not need to assert themselves,they allow men to take control knowing full well they have the final word,its probablt has something to do with child birth etc.It has to be said that women seem to be more adult about life and tend to let the men play.In many cases whatwould seem to be arelationship where the man is dominant when the wife dies the man is left totally flumoxed.I expect in many unions there is a tacit agreement that the man is in charge on a trial basis!Sorry not very well reasoned...Ill ask the wife!

 

[sailorgirl]

Agreed there are many women who are happy to let their hubby's have a hobby on their own (sailing, golf, rock climbing, rugby etc). As far as sailing is concerned there are a fair few women who participate equally and some whose enthusiasm outstrips their husbands.

Amongst my friends most wives sail as much as their other halves, week in week out come rain or shine (though it is nice when the sunshines!). In our circle of friends there are at least a dozen couples who sail together.

As a female yachtmaster who happens to be married and who very definately owns half the boat, I find the assumption that women are SWMBO's and reluctant sailors at best an insult. Not all men sail so let us women have a choice too - there are few other sports couples can do together on equal terms. Otherwise find yourself a new wife , my husband did and ended up with me /forums/images/graemlins/smile.gif /forums/images/graemlins/tongue.gif

 

[Lakesailor]

Climb down off your high horse.
It wasn't aimed at you. Quite obviously.
You have to acknowledge you are the (welcome) exception and the post wasn't aimed at you.
The very fact that you and Powerskipper and Becky and Stellagirl etc. are forumites marks you out as exceptional and not part of the norm. /forums/images/graemlins/smile.gif

 

[sailorgirl]

It wasn't a high horse just an attempt to put the case for the opposition.

However I will agree that there are plenty of women who don't sail... but there are men who seem to keep their women out of their sport/hobby what ever it is - its all a mysterious art etc etc.

Not certain what you do to encourage the SWMBO's though... my hubby force fed me sailing theory books knowing my habit of reading the manual first (we both work in IT) and it seemed to rub off!

He then bought me a dinghy of my own and ran away to Japan so I had to learn how to deal with it on my own - varnish and leeks included. Now I get odd looks at boatshows when buying sheets and tenders.

 

[Malcb]

Is it, possibly, because most 'men' as skippers see their role as being in command and therefore, as they are 'in command' are reluctant to release the tiller/wheel. Therefore they place the significant other person, usually SWMBO, in the role of sail trimmer, mooring line holder, ships boy, etc.

Is it that most men think that holding onto the tiller/wheel gives them a feeling of superiority.

I've seen male 'skippers' shout at crew, usually their wives (or significant others), while they are holding onto the tiller/wheel when they would have been more efficient if they had releasesd their apparent hold on control and relinquished it to the crew and handled the lines etc. themselves.

However when I have seen some couples pass through the lock at Chichester and heard He Who Thinks He Must Be Obeyed yelling at SWMBO I often wonder what the converstaion will be when they get home!

 

[Topcat47]

My own take on this is coloured by the fact that my wife's a horsewoman. As far as I can see, horses have every bit as much gear as boats, stuff like bidles, bits, sheets and cunninghams (oops getting them mixed up again) anyway there's a load of funny kit involved, lots of foul weather gear too (for the pony as well) and SWMBO is every bit as involved with the minutiae of riding that I (a male last time I looked) am with boaty bits and bobs. Snark just isn't warm and furry, and thereby hangs the tale(tail). Her view is that the boat is just a small caravan surrounded by water.....to each their own...at least she will come out with me and I get to play with my toy.... /forums/images/graemlins/laugh.gif

 

[old_salt]

So is mine and the Daughter as well.

Who drives the horse box, services it, fixes up the hay rakes, salt licks, stable doors, Broom handles, shelves in the take room, re stitches the leathers, stable lights, repairs the puncture in the wheel barrow tyre.
O and pays for it all. /forums/images/graemlins/frown.gif /forums/images/graemlins/frown.gif
Then revels in all the red tassel's hung over the mantle piece. /forums/images/graemlins/smile.gif /forums/images/graemlins/smile.gif

 

[ShipsWoofy]

[ QUOTE ]
Your observations certainly ring true. Not being a sociologist etc all I can say is in the main women control men and do not need to assert themselves,they allow men to take control knowing full well they have the final word,its probably has something to do with child birth etc.It has to be said that women seem to be more adult about life and tend to let the men play.In many cases what would seem to be a relationship where the man is dominant when the wife dies the man is left totally flumoxed.I expect in many unions there is a tacit agreement that the man is in charge on a trial basis!Sorry not very well reasoned...Ill ask the wife!

[/ QUOTE ]

With respect, what a load of tosh! /forums/images/graemlins/grin.gif

My girlfriend is itching to go sailing, as the week progresses bags start appearing in the hall, boat linen is carefully swapped over, weekend food starts to appear in the fridge.

If I am stalling on Friday evening she starts getting ratty, c'mon, sailing!!!!

She really enjoys getting the sails right, on a comfy sail out come our sail trim cards and we work through them to see which actions work best. She works like a trooper to allow me to rest when I need to, but not for me so much as she enjoys 'getting in there' and sorting the boat out.

I am not sure it is a male / female thing, probably more women who want to sail are in relationships where the man doesn't and do not have the autonomy to spend that much cash on a hobby. Most men run the finance in the home, (major purchases) and are paid better, oh they are in most cases.

When I used to dinghy sail as a kid there were more girls than boys sailing on the lake, in fact last year in Aberdovey there were more young girls sailing the lasers and Toppers. I don't think their passion stops, they are just not allowed to....

Maybe you all should find the right partner (/forums/images/graemlins/grin.gif). I have a keeper here!

 

[Wansworth]

D W .....my wife agrees with you!!!!

 

[powerskipper]

A lot of woman find that they can get scared due to lack of knowledge, not all partners are patient enough to explain, say navigation to there partners or this goes this way because......



then you get the "I want her to enjoy it so much " that they stop her from doing anything other than food prep and the odd rope. and unless you are a sun worshipper this can be very boring, well just think how much sun we have /forums/images/graemlins/grin.gif



then you get " I am the master of my ship"
its just less hassle to let them keep thinking that!


those are the way I have seen it on a few boats. I could go on and on but will stop at that.

 

[AliM]

I think the difference is in whose hobby it is, and who is roped in to share it. For example, if a man starts to sail, and then takes his wife along to crew, then she is always the subordinate one - he's in control and she gets shouted at, in the worst instances (which we've all seen!). I'm sure your partnerships are not as bad as that, but still the woman may feel that she has little part in the decisions, unless she makes her own conditions (sunny day, somewhere to eat, wind < F4 or whatever). One of the forumites' wives has a super, very funny blog "The reluctant sailor" which shows this beautifully.

If she was the one who initiated the hobby, or both went into it on equal terms, then the situation is completely different. Both are equal partners in making the decisions. I am in that position, and it couldn't be better!

I suppose that if it's the wife whose hobby it is, and she drags along a relucant husband, then the usual problem may be reveresd - has anyone got experience of that?

So, for all you male sailors, who want to enthuse your SWMBOs, what's the solution? Talking it over with her, listening to her opinions or fears, sharing decisions, responsibilities and contol. If all else fails, find a different partner (for sailing, or for life) or singlehand!

And, yes I do think male and female attitudes to hobbies are different. Men are more likely to become obsessive. Women are far more balanced and see their hobbies as part of the rest of their life. But, being female, of course I think we are more sensible.

 

[graham]

I am amazed that people seem to accept shouting at crew is normal.my wife would not tolerate that and quite rightly so.

In my experience there are some very capable women sailors.

I rarely see a women who sails and leaves their partner ashore but I frequently see men who sail without their other halves.

I once new a couple where the lady seemed to do all the boat maintenance (and this was an old wooden classic)but she never to my knowledge sailed without her partner despite being a yacht Master.

 

[BrendanS]

Women can get totally obsessed with their hobbies just like men.

They don't tend on the whole to enjoy outdoor uncomfortable wet and windy activities as much as men, though there are always quite a few exceptions, and one of the major things that seems to put women off sailing is the fact that they tip over alarmingly. Keep the boats flat and level, and they enjoy it far more. Lots of generalisation here though.

 

[VictorII]

I think men are the same on land as on sea. This means they are more hard-headed and usually hate to lose face. I can't speak for women, but they make better companions on my yacht than most men. My wife is aware of her skills and so rarely makes big mistakes. I am more prone to overestimation and so end up frustrated at what I did wrong.

And shouting shows loss of control, so nowadays I always remain calm, even to the extreme. That doesn't mean I don't err, mind you!

 

[Lakesailor]

Mixed opinions then.
I do see a parallel with the Horsey hobby. Except that although a horse is a quantifiably live creature, so, in it's own way, is a boat. Hardly a caravan.
The idea that men take the role of skipper and exclude the partner is also probably on the mark. However I try and hand over he helm to SWMBO and on occasions she's fine but sometimes the concept of even looking to see where the wind is seems to be foreign. Sometimes even when motoring (say when I want to raise the sails, which is mast and foredeck work on my little tub) I'll give her a mark to aim for rather than keep head to wind. But in a minute or two we've moved 90 degrees off course.
I don't know whether it's a reluctance to take on my role, or a disinterest in the mechanics of sailing, or just a lack of apptitiude. I am going to be trying to get her to her helm for whole jaunts this year, although I can see that on the lake there are a lot of judgements to make with regard to positioning and other craft. There's also a lot tacking, so it may be a bit of a hand-on-the-tiller approach, which in itself leads perhaps to a feeling of not being trusted or even that the whole operation is too much to take on board (see what I've done there?)
Perhaps mid-week at the south end may be more suitable (quieter)

My point is though, that's it not the skill level, or the ability to have a go, but the fact that the "bug doesn't bite", and not just in sailing, but in many interests. There is a superficial interest, but not enough to become engrossed. Those who have posted about their partners who are committed are perhaps the lucky ones.
On the other hand some would say it's good to have some balance in your life?

 

[dralex]

There are two different activities here- using the boat and maintaining the boat.

My wife sailed before meeting me and so it really was a joint interest which we decided to persue together, and which so far, has been successful, but taking a bit more effort these days with a young family. She enjoys the sailing and is very good at boat handling- we are very much partners on the boat and it tends to be the most appropriate person to the job, eg she's never pulled up the anchor! SHe has great patience for working the boat up wind and does it far better than me, but I tend to do the downwind helming. I have a lot more interest in sail trimming whereas she's happy just to let things be and potter. I do almost all the cooking. We definately co own the boat.

ON the other hand, she has no interest in the maintenance side of things, whereas I have a desire to know how things work, how to service and repair them and therefore the knowledge to fix things when they go wrong. We have discussed this quite a bit and there are definately different sorts of brains out there, not particularly confined to specific sexes, but which like doing different types of task. I can sort out the mechanical problems and I'm OK with working the electronic kit, but she is far better at traditional navigation and working through tides and making sure we get there at the right time. I suspect her attention to detail on certain things is better than mine.

On balance, our partnership works very well and I think we both enjoy our boat in some different, but also a lot of overlapping ways.

 

[benjenbav]

[ QUOTE ]

outdoor uncomfortable wet and windy activities


[/ QUOTE ]

Never seen such a pithy and accurate summary of horsey pastimes.

On the other hand boating is....

 

[Gordonmc]

We originally got into the boaty life so we could do things together, Mems'b, daughter and me. Moved up a oat size to make weekending and longer a bit more comfortable, but a consequence was maintenance got a bit more time consuming.
The daughter discovered horses. She would sleep in the stable if given the option and leaving the horse to go for a weekend sail is a definite no-no.
Just two observations: 1. The Mem refuses to sail in foul weather and becomes jittery at any angle of heel. Her hand automatically reaches for the VHF at any small crisis. Yet she gets on the horse fully accepting she might be thrown/bitten/trampled. She's had a horse land on top of her after a jump and accepts that's part of it.
2. While I will sit in the cockpit whipping rope-ends, cleaning tools, or sewing canvas and am happy to do so with a dram within reach, there is no similar regard to contents of the tack-box or horsey kit, (although grooming the animal might take three hours).
No conclusions, just thoughts.