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Flushed with their success at becoming the Capital of Culture, Liverpool is now putting in a bid for the Olympic Games in 2012. The organisers of Liverpool’s bid have already drawn up an itinerary and schedule of events. A copy has been leaked and is reproduced below:
OPENING CEREMONY
The Olympic flag will be ignited by a petrol bomb thrown by a native of the city (preferably from the Toxteth area) wearing the traditional costume of shell suit, baseball cap and balaclava mask. It will burn for the duration of the games in a large chip van situated on the roof of the stadium.
100 METRES SPRINT
Competitors will have to hold a video recorder and microwave oven (one in each arm) and on the sound of the starting pistol, a police dog will be released from a cage 10 yards behind the athletes.
100 METRES HURDLES
As above but with added obstacles (i.e. car bonnets, hedges, gardens, fences, walls etc.)
HAMMER
Competitors in this event may choose the type of hammer they wish to use – claw, sledge etc. The winner will be the one who can cause the most grievous bodily harm to members of the public within the time allowed.
FENCING
Entrants will be asked to dispose of as much stolen silver and jewellery as possible in five minutes.
SHOOTING
A strong challenge is expected from the local men in this event. The first target will be a moving police van. In the second round, competitors will aim at a post office clerk, bank teller or Securicor-style wages deliveryman.
BOXING
Entry to the boxing will be restricted to husband and wife teams, and will take place on a Friday night. The husband will be given 15 pints of Guinness while the wife will be told not to make him any tea when he gets home. The bout will then commence.
CYCLING TIME TRIALS
Competitors will be asked to break into the University bike shed and take an expensive mountain bike owned by some mummy’s boy from the country on his first trip away from home. All against the clock.
CYCLING PURSUIT
As above but the bike will be owned by a visiting member of the Australian rugby team, who will witness the theft.
MODERN PENTATHLON
Amended to include mugging, breaking and entering, flashing, joy riding and arson.
SWIMMING
Competitors will be thrown into the Mersey. The first three survivor’s back will decide the medals.
MENS 50KM WALK
Unfortunately this will have to be cancelled, as the police cannot guarantee the safety of anyone walking the streets of Liverpool.
THE CLOSING CEREMONY
Entertainment will include formation rave dancing by members of the Liverpool Health in the community anti-drug campaigners, synchronised rock throwing and music by the Toxteth Boys Band. The Olympic flame will then be extinguished by someone dropping an old washing machine onto it from the top floor of the block of flats next to the stadium. The stadium will be then be boarded up before the local athletes break into it and remove all the copper piping and the central heating boiler.
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OPENING CEREMONY
The Olympic flag will be ignited by a petrol bomb thrown by a native of the city (preferably from the Toxteth area) wearing the traditional costume of shell suit, baseball cap and balaclava mask. It will burn for the duration of the games in a large chip van situated on the roof of the stadium.
100 METRES SPRINT
Competitors will have to hold a video recorder and microwave oven (one in each arm) and on the sound of the starting pistol, a police dog will be released from a cage 10 yards behind the athletes.
100 METRES HURDLES
As above but with added obstacles (i.e. car bonnets, hedges, gardens, fences, walls etc.)
HAMMER
Competitors in this event may choose the type of hammer they wish to use – claw, sledge etc. The winner will be the one who can cause the most grievous bodily harm to members of the public within the time allowed.
FENCING
Entrants will be asked to dispose of as much stolen silver and jewellery as possible in five minutes.
SHOOTING
A strong challenge is expected from the local men in this event. The first target will be a moving police van. In the second round, competitors will aim at a post office clerk, bank teller or Securicor-style wages deliveryman.
BOXING
Entry to the boxing will be restricted to husband and wife teams, and will take place on a Friday night. The husband will be given 15 pints of Guinness while the wife will be told not to make him any tea when he gets home. The bout will then commence.
CYCLING TIME TRIALS
Competitors will be asked to break into the University bike shed and take an expensive mountain bike owned by some mummy’s boy from the country on his first trip away from home. All against the clock.
CYCLING PURSUIT
As above but the bike will be owned by a visiting member of the Australian rugby team, who will witness the theft.
MODERN PENTATHLON
Amended to include mugging, breaking and entering, flashing, joy riding and arson.
SWIMMING
Competitors will be thrown into the Mersey. The first three survivor’s back will decide the medals.
MENS 50KM WALK
Unfortunately this will have to be cancelled, as the police cannot guarantee the safety of anyone walking the streets of Liverpool.
THE CLOSING CEREMONY
Entertainment will include formation rave dancing by members of the Liverpool Health in the community anti-drug campaigners, synchronised rock throwing and music by the Toxteth Boys Band. The Olympic flame will then be extinguished by someone dropping an old washing machine onto it from the top floor of the block of flats next to the stadium. The stadium will be then be boarded up before the local athletes break into it and remove all the copper piping and the central heating boiler.
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