tcm
...
All the forumites are gearing up final chapter in the historic B&Q kitchen-building project, and it has been decided that the celebrations will be held in Falmouth, about 300 miles away from where the kitchen was finished, cos otherwise it might make the frenchies winning their monhull-kitchen races look a bit rubbish.
"It's quite an achievement - I'm not sure that anyone has ever actually completed a whole B+Q kitchen" said a delighted Jimi McToerag, CEO of Kitchen Challenges "Usually, there's a bit of plastering which never ever gets quite finished, or a few handles missing".
To help celebrate of the kitchen completion, visitors are invited to get in their car, drive hundreds of miles and compete for one of five parking spaces before being allowed pay £16 per family to get jostled and stand about for several hours with no food in a winter gale whilst their car gets clamped and towed away. Dozens of camera crews will occupy the roped-off vantage points, and have already booked all the hotel rooms for miles around, all waiting for a blubbering tcm to arrive in a right old mood and say the words "stress" and "no sleep" dozens of times whilst fighting back the tears.
Wooden Trophy
To commemorate the kitchen assembly in a record 70days - now almost a certainty- the mayor will be presenting a specially manufactured straight bit of wood from B+Q. "Nobody has ever had a straight bit of wood from B+Q since 1969, so this is a great honour."
Forumite days
With the main celebration complete, the town of Falmouth will be offering visitors the opportunity the chance to sample the same experience as ybw forumites. For example, "Jimi days" will include being locked in cesspit, whilst those wanting to experinece a "BigNick day" will have their car moved to a secret location leaving them to trudge around trying to find it. "Claymore days" will cost 1p, and essentially involves cursing several million midges as they try and bite you to death on the wrong way home from the pub.
"It's quite an achievement - I'm not sure that anyone has ever actually completed a whole B+Q kitchen" said a delighted Jimi McToerag, CEO of Kitchen Challenges "Usually, there's a bit of plastering which never ever gets quite finished, or a few handles missing".
To help celebrate of the kitchen completion, visitors are invited to get in their car, drive hundreds of miles and compete for one of five parking spaces before being allowed pay £16 per family to get jostled and stand about for several hours with no food in a winter gale whilst their car gets clamped and towed away. Dozens of camera crews will occupy the roped-off vantage points, and have already booked all the hotel rooms for miles around, all waiting for a blubbering tcm to arrive in a right old mood and say the words "stress" and "no sleep" dozens of times whilst fighting back the tears.
Wooden Trophy
To commemorate the kitchen assembly in a record 70days - now almost a certainty- the mayor will be presenting a specially manufactured straight bit of wood from B+Q. "Nobody has ever had a straight bit of wood from B+Q since 1969, so this is a great honour."
Forumite days
With the main celebration complete, the town of Falmouth will be offering visitors the opportunity the chance to sample the same experience as ybw forumites. For example, "Jimi days" will include being locked in cesspit, whilst those wanting to experinece a "BigNick day" will have their car moved to a secret location leaving them to trudge around trying to find it. "Claymore days" will cost 1p, and essentially involves cursing several million midges as they try and bite you to death on the wrong way home from the pub.
