G
Guest
Guest
Unashamedly cribbed from yesterday's Daily Express...
The dispute between local authorities and the National Union of Punctuators and Allied Grammatical Ancillary Workers became increasingly bitter last night as members of one of the most respected and influential branches of the union voted for strike action. This decision by the Apostrophic Delegates threatens next month's delivery of greengrocers' apostrophes, a tradition that has been unbroken since the reign of Elizabeth I.
In a rare public appearance, the Apostropher Royal, Sir D'Anville, O'M'Darlin', appealed to both sides to continue negotiations. "Before taking such a step," he said, "I beg you to consider the drastic consequences of such action. Our shopping habits have for generations been wedded to the misplaced apostrophes in such basic foodstuffs as potatoe's and tomatoe's. The monthly dispensation of apostrophes to greengrocers is a vital feature of our national life and diet."
His advice, however, appears to have been ignored as the two sides adopted increasingly rigid positions. The sticking point is the employers' insistence that pay increases must be linked to modernisation. Two of their main recommendations have come in for severe criticism by the union.
"They call it modernisation; we call it madness," a spokesman said. "For the past 500 years, on the second Thursday of every month, the Apostrophic Delegates have trudged through the streets of our cities with wheelbarrows laden with apostrophes to distribute to greengrocers. Now they're saying that the apostrophes could be sent by e-mail. Have you ever tried sending an apostrophe by e-mail? Half the time it changes into æ or ¿ or ¶ and the rest of the time it contents itself with changing the font. Our shops will be full of potatoeæs, tomatoe¿s and avocado¶s before we know where we are. Worst of all, though, the employers are siding with trendy publishers who are replacing quotation marks by colons or, even worse, dashes. It is well known that this is just a cynical ploy to save pairs of inverted commas then split them down the middle to provide a source of cut-price apostrophes. My members will not stand for it."
While ostensibly staying out of the dispute, the Government is known to have made contingency plans if the strike goes ahead. Under emergency punctuation powers, detachments of the Counter-Catachresis and Special Solecism Divisions of the Queen's Own English Pedantry will take over the delivery of apostrophes. They will not, however, be crossing picket lines to collect supplies of hallmarked royal apostrophes. "We have ample supplies of apostrophes that will last well into the summer months if needed," a spokesman for the Department of Grammar explained. "They are stored at the Greenwich Dome in upturned 'n's left over from misspelt millenniums in the year 2000. Five apostrophes fit into each n, for easy reckoning. When the inverted 'n's are empty, we can weld them together in pairs to form 'w's for use in internet addresses."
"'Tis a sad moment for the British apostrophe," commented Sir D'Anville.
The dispute between local authorities and the National Union of Punctuators and Allied Grammatical Ancillary Workers became increasingly bitter last night as members of one of the most respected and influential branches of the union voted for strike action. This decision by the Apostrophic Delegates threatens next month's delivery of greengrocers' apostrophes, a tradition that has been unbroken since the reign of Elizabeth I.
In a rare public appearance, the Apostropher Royal, Sir D'Anville, O'M'Darlin', appealed to both sides to continue negotiations. "Before taking such a step," he said, "I beg you to consider the drastic consequences of such action. Our shopping habits have for generations been wedded to the misplaced apostrophes in such basic foodstuffs as potatoe's and tomatoe's. The monthly dispensation of apostrophes to greengrocers is a vital feature of our national life and diet."
His advice, however, appears to have been ignored as the two sides adopted increasingly rigid positions. The sticking point is the employers' insistence that pay increases must be linked to modernisation. Two of their main recommendations have come in for severe criticism by the union.
"They call it modernisation; we call it madness," a spokesman said. "For the past 500 years, on the second Thursday of every month, the Apostrophic Delegates have trudged through the streets of our cities with wheelbarrows laden with apostrophes to distribute to greengrocers. Now they're saying that the apostrophes could be sent by e-mail. Have you ever tried sending an apostrophe by e-mail? Half the time it changes into æ or ¿ or ¶ and the rest of the time it contents itself with changing the font. Our shops will be full of potatoeæs, tomatoe¿s and avocado¶s before we know where we are. Worst of all, though, the employers are siding with trendy publishers who are replacing quotation marks by colons or, even worse, dashes. It is well known that this is just a cynical ploy to save pairs of inverted commas then split them down the middle to provide a source of cut-price apostrophes. My members will not stand for it."
While ostensibly staying out of the dispute, the Government is known to have made contingency plans if the strike goes ahead. Under emergency punctuation powers, detachments of the Counter-Catachresis and Special Solecism Divisions of the Queen's Own English Pedantry will take over the delivery of apostrophes. They will not, however, be crossing picket lines to collect supplies of hallmarked royal apostrophes. "We have ample supplies of apostrophes that will last well into the summer months if needed," a spokesman for the Department of Grammar explained. "They are stored at the Greenwich Dome in upturned 'n's left over from misspelt millenniums in the year 2000. Five apostrophes fit into each n, for easy reckoning. When the inverted 'n's are empty, we can weld them together in pairs to form 'w's for use in internet addresses."
"'Tis a sad moment for the British apostrophe," commented Sir D'Anville.
