Forbsie
New member
Dear Alcohol:
First and foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours. Your many
dimensions are mind boggling. Yes, my friend, you always seem to be there
when needed. The perfect post-work cocktail, a beer with the game, and
you're even around on the holidays hidden inside chocolates as you warm us
when we're stuck in the midst of endless family gatherings. Yet lately I've
been wondering about your intentions. While I want to believe that you have
my best interests at heart, I feel that your influence has led to some
unwise consequences, briefed below for your review.
1. Phone calls: While I agree with you that communication is important, I
question the suggestion that any conversation of substance or necessity
takes place after 2am.
2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal and, though cooking is far from
my specialty, why you suggested that I eat a kabab with chili sauce,
coupled with ramen noodles and some stale chips (washed down with chocolate
milk
and topped off with a Mars Bar) is beyond me. I like to eat, but I think you
went too far this time.
3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to do
more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home by
causing me to fall down. Completely unnecessary!! Similarly, it should
never take me more than 45 seconds to get the front door key into the lock.
4. Pictures: This can be a blessing in disguise, as it can often clarify
the last point below, but the following costumes are banned from ever being
placed on my head in public again: Indian wigs, sombreros, bows, ties,
boxes, upside-down cups, inflatable balloon animals, traffic cones, or
bras.
5. Beer Goggles: If I think I may know him/her from somewhere, I most
likely do not. Please do not request that I go over and see if in fact, I do
actually know that person. The phrase "Let's Fu*k" is illegal from now on.
While I may be thinking this, please reinstate the brain-to-mouth-block
that would stop this thought from becoming a statement, especially when my
girlfriend/boyfriend is sitting a few feet away.
6. Furthermore, the hangovers have GOT to stop. Now, I know a little
penance for our previous evenings actions may be in order, but the
2pm-hangover
immobility is completely unacceptable. I ask that, if the proper
precautions are taken (water, vitamin B, bread products, aspirin) prior to
going to
bed/passing out facedown on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn, the
hangover should be minimal and in no way interfere with my daily Saturday
or Sunday (or any day for that matter) activities.
Come on now, it's only fair--you do your part, I'll do mine.
Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now and would like to
ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the reason for great
stories, much laughter, and the needed companion when I just don't know
what to do with the extra money in my pockets. In order to continue this
friendship, I ask that you carefully review my grievances above and address
them immediately. I will look for an answer no later than Thursday 3pm
(pre-happy hour) on your possible solutions and hopefully we can continue
this fruitful partnership.
Thank you.
<hr width=100% size=1><A target="_blank" HREF=http://www.arweb.co.uk/argallery/forbsie?&page=1>My Project</A>
First and foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours. Your many
dimensions are mind boggling. Yes, my friend, you always seem to be there
when needed. The perfect post-work cocktail, a beer with the game, and
you're even around on the holidays hidden inside chocolates as you warm us
when we're stuck in the midst of endless family gatherings. Yet lately I've
been wondering about your intentions. While I want to believe that you have
my best interests at heart, I feel that your influence has led to some
unwise consequences, briefed below for your review.
1. Phone calls: While I agree with you that communication is important, I
question the suggestion that any conversation of substance or necessity
takes place after 2am.
2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal and, though cooking is far from
my specialty, why you suggested that I eat a kabab with chili sauce,
coupled with ramen noodles and some stale chips (washed down with chocolate
milk
and topped off with a Mars Bar) is beyond me. I like to eat, but I think you
went too far this time.
3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to do
more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home by
causing me to fall down. Completely unnecessary!! Similarly, it should
never take me more than 45 seconds to get the front door key into the lock.
4. Pictures: This can be a blessing in disguise, as it can often clarify
the last point below, but the following costumes are banned from ever being
placed on my head in public again: Indian wigs, sombreros, bows, ties,
boxes, upside-down cups, inflatable balloon animals, traffic cones, or
bras.
5. Beer Goggles: If I think I may know him/her from somewhere, I most
likely do not. Please do not request that I go over and see if in fact, I do
actually know that person. The phrase "Let's Fu*k" is illegal from now on.
While I may be thinking this, please reinstate the brain-to-mouth-block
that would stop this thought from becoming a statement, especially when my
girlfriend/boyfriend is sitting a few feet away.
6. Furthermore, the hangovers have GOT to stop. Now, I know a little
penance for our previous evenings actions may be in order, but the
2pm-hangover
immobility is completely unacceptable. I ask that, if the proper
precautions are taken (water, vitamin B, bread products, aspirin) prior to
going to
bed/passing out facedown on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn, the
hangover should be minimal and in no way interfere with my daily Saturday
or Sunday (or any day for that matter) activities.
Come on now, it's only fair--you do your part, I'll do mine.
Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now and would like to
ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the reason for great
stories, much laughter, and the needed companion when I just don't know
what to do with the extra money in my pockets. In order to continue this
friendship, I ask that you carefully review my grievances above and address
them immediately. I will look for an answer no later than Thursday 3pm
(pre-happy hour) on your possible solutions and hopefully we can continue
this fruitful partnership.
Thank you.
<hr width=100% size=1><A target="_blank" HREF=http://www.arweb.co.uk/argallery/forbsie?&page=1>My Project</A>
