Thursday Humour

[Guest]

Dear Help Desk,

Eighteen months ago I upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from Drinking Mates 4.2 which I'd used for years without any trouble. However, there are apparently conflicts between these two products and the only solution was to try and
run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off. To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is also incompatible with several other applications, such as Lads Night Out 3.1,
Rugby 2.xv and Playboy 6.9. Successive versions of Girlfriend proved no better.

A friend recommended a series of shareware beta-programmes, Party Girl 2.1, Party Girl 2.2 and Party Girl XP all of which I tried. Unfortunately they had many bugs and whilst very entertaining, they left a virus in my system, forcing me to shut down completely for several weeks.

Eventually I tried to run Girlfriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the same time, only to discover that when these two systems detected each other they caused severe damage to my hardware. Sensing a way out, I then upgraded to
Fiancée 1.0 only to discover that this product soon had to be upgraded (at great cost) to Wife 1.0, which I reluctantly agreed to because, whilst Wife 1.0 tends to use up all my available resources, it does come bundled with FreeSex Plus and Cleanhouse 2000.

Shortly after this upgrade however, I then discovered that Wife 1.0 can be very unstable and costly to run. For example, any mistakes I made were automatically stored in Wife 1.0's memory and could not be deleted. They
then resurfaced months later when I had forgot about them. Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary Explorer and E-mail porn filter, and can, without warning, launch Photostrop and Whingezip!

These latter products have no help files and I have to try and guess what the problem is myself.

Additional costly problems are that Wife 1.0 needs updating regularly, requiring Shoe Shop browser for new attachments and also Hairstyle Express which needs to be reinstalled every other week.

Wife 1.0 also spawns unwelcome child processes that also drain my resources. It also conflicted with some of the new games I wanted to try stating that they are an illegal operation. When Wife 1.0 attaches itself to my
Mazda MX5 programme it often crashes or runs the system dry. Wife 1.0 also has a rather annoying pop-up called Mother-in-Law, which can't be turned off.

Recently I've attempted to try Mistress 2000, but there could be problems. A friend has alerted me to the fact that if Wife 1.0 detects the presence of Mistress 2000, it tends to delete all my MS Money files before un-installing itself.

Any Ideas ??



www.boatsyachtsmarinas.com

 

[lyc]

The following are accounts of actual exchanges between
airline pilots and control towers from around the
world.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

While taxiing the crew of a US Air flight departing
for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to
nose with a United 727.

The irate female ground controller lashed out at the
US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where are you
going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway!
You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know
it's difficult for you to tell the difference between
C's and D's, but get it right!"

Continuing her tirade to the embarrassed crew, she was
now shouting hysterically: "God, you've screwed
everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out!
You stay right there and don't move till I tell you
to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in
about half an hour and I want you to go exactly where
I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You
got that, US Air 2771?"

"Yes ma'am," the humbled crew responded.

Naturally the ground control frequency went terribly
silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771.
Nobody wanted to engage the irate ground controller
in her current state. Tension in every cockpit at LGA
was running high.

Then an unknown pilot broke the silence and asked,
"Wasn't I married to you once?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A DC-10 had an exceedingly long rollout after landing
with his approach speed a little high. San Jose Tower:

"American 751 heavy, turn right at the end of the
runway, if able. If not able, take the Guadeloupe exit
off Highway 101 and make a right at the light to
return to the airport."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Unknown aircraft: "I'm f...ing bored!"

Air Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting,
identify yourself immediately!"

Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not
f...ing stupid!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to
Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw
some kind of dead animal on the far end of the
runway."

Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, contact
Departure on 124.7. Did you copy that report from
Eastern?"

Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for
takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern and we've
already notified our caterers."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are
a short tempered lot. They not only expect one to
know one's gate parking location, but how to get there
without any assistance from them. So it was with some
amusement that we (a Pan Am 747)listened to the
following exchange between Frankfurt ground control
and a British Airways 747, call sign, Speedbird 206:

Speedbird 206: "Top of the morning, Frankfurt,
Speedbird 206 clear of the active runway."

Ground: "Guten Morgen. You vill taxi to your gate."

The big British Airways 747 pulled onto the main
taxiway and slowed to a stop.

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are
going?"

Speedbird 206: "Stand by a moment, Ground, I'm looking
up our gate location now."

Ground (with arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206,
haff you never flown to Frankfurt before?"

Speedbird 206 (coolly): Yes, I have, actually, in
1944. In another type of Boeing, but just to drop
something off. I didn't stop."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

O'Hare Approach Control: "United 329 heavy, your
traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles,
eastbound."

United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say
this... I've got that Fokker in sight."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A Pan Am 727 flight engineer waiting for start
clearance in Munich overheard the following:

Lufthansa (in German): Ground, what is our start
clearance time?"

Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must
speak English."

Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a
German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak
English?"

Unknown voice (in a beautiful British accent):
"Because you lost the bloody war!"

 

[Guest]

Marvellous...bloody marvellous

Especially the last one!!! You can almost hear Basil Fawlty saying it!



www.boatsyachtsmarinas.com

 

[Will_M]

Dear Help Desk

Dear Help Desk,

Eighteen months ago ..... Got email that one today, who you know that I know??


V Funny though.

 

[Robin2]

This was prompted by Wednesday Humour

The principal, and elderly, guest at a society dinner was overcome by gas and released a minimal. but distinctly audible "pouf".

To save embarrassment the host immediately turned to the butler and said

"Stop that at once Simpson"

"Certainly Sir, which way did it go?"