The National Boat Service

[tcm]

As I look around the world today, it's quite clear that this ongoing "free-for all" in the boating industry has got to stop. There's a clear dividing line between the "haves" and the "have nots". Millions of people simply can't afford a boat.

My plan is to to have a National Boat Service where boats will be FREE AT THE POINT OF DELIVERY. There won't be any more "them and us". Each family can choose from a variety of boats. Couples who try for a boat and don't seem to be able to sail or drive one will be provided with the proper expert assistance, and a boat. There won't be any limit on the number of boats each family can have, and financial assistance will be on hand to help those with a large number of boats, and especially for unfortunate people who seem to have a knackered boat for whatever reason.

An ongoing plan of boat care for the first 15-20 years of its life will be provided, after which any boat which still can't seem to be looked after by the original owner will have its moorings and maintenance paid for by the state anyway.

A large number of boatcare inspectors will check up that people are enjoying their boats properly, and if they aren't then the boats will be taken into care, and perhaps given to other more suitable families to look after.

People who have boats that don't seem to to look very nice, or which they want to look better will also be helped using plastic surgery.

Most importantly, ageing boats will be given the proper care that they need - because you can judge how civilised a nation is by how it looks after its old boats. I am determined that the National Boat Sevice will be the envy of the world, and although some detractors or extremists might say that it is open to abuse, it's something of which we can all be very proud indeed, employing thousands of people all trying their utmost to do their very best in extremely difficult circumstances.

 

[BarryD]

Hurrah TCM for President.

Switching vote from His Royal Riverness Byron.

Havoc, fire, confusion, and mis-trust, yes my work here is done...

Barry D

 

[longjohnsilver]

Highlights..........

So you've had them done as well! Will make you look years younger, much more appealing to the masses.

 

[hlb]

And what about a free help line, some thing like child line, where we can ring when we see a boat that is unloved or needs special care and attention, and some nuns to look after the poorly ones. And some place where we can adopt a new one, from some where like doctor Bernardo's

Haydn

 

[claymore]

Free at point of delivery

Will you be entrusting this part of the service to CityLink then?
regards
JS

 

[tcm]

Re: Free at point of delivery

Certainly not! There's nothing wrong with publicly funded services. Everyone will be guaranteed a place in their own marina of choice too, somehow.

 

[JohnR]

Re: Free at point of delivery

But how long do we have to wait to see the specialist allocator of boats. Will the waiting rooms be clean. Will the trains to Southampton run on time or at all. Will out taxes go up.

Will your chancellor wait till the whole country has motor boats and then triple the tax rate on fuel. How long will it take for us to get a permit from the Ministry of Small Boats to get a permit to move the boat from one marina to another.

 

[claymore]

Re: Free at point of delivery

Hmm
The whole proposal contains some issues which would be of benefit to the British Public. Having just come through a day of "your NHS" I wonder whether this might of be a good way of finding out what people want?
I wonder if you are going to introduce legislation making competence compulsory?
Whilst not particularly an advocate of compulsory measures interfacing with leisure issues - if everyone is to have a boat, perhaps that in itself is a compulsory measure, therefore....?
The reason really for raising this issue is that I was wondering if there was an opportunity here for a dedicated educationalist to develop a national training centre?

 

[tcm]

Re: Free at point of delivery

There's no problem at all moving from one marina to another, but you will need to de-register from one marina, and re-register with another, and take along this envelope that you aren't allowed to open to the new harbourmaster. There may be a waiting list for visitng some marinas or boatfixers, and it might be a an hour so, or several weeks. BUT it'll be fair, with everyone given exactly the same service. Except for some people, who may want to pay to go straight in when they want, as I do, but then we've got to preserve a freedom of the individual to choose.

 

[tcm]

Re: Competence

A very good idea indeed, and one for which I have already announced plans. Larger marinas will be "teaching marinas" and these centres of excellence will aim to dramatically improve standardfs of competence, so that soon as many people as possible will be gain an Oceanmaster certificate, even if they only have a rowing boat and use the new national test which is more relevant although certainkly no less arduous even tho it does take place on a park lake .

Oh, and the new salary scale for you, amongst the most highly trained people at the sharp end, dedicated to boating excellence in all it s forms will be um 63grand to start with, and we'll expect you to turn up four days a week if at all possible. I understand that you are very much in demand, and we need to progress and broaden the NBS scope, and at the same time we can't ignore the real world, so yes it will be permissible for you to do private work using NBS facilties, such as all the boats and the marinas and the staff if someone wants to give you a few quid to fix or sort their boat or skills right now without waiting. Of course, I know that this won't interfere with your public tasks and there is certainly no doubting your total dedication to the well-being of the National Boat Service which is an example to us all.

 

[c_j]

Re: Competence

Typical! I detect a note of sarcasm in TCM's post regarding the salary scale for those at the "sharp end".

I do not think many of your realise how hard us in "Public sector" have to work. I find this really surprising as hardly a radio interview takes place where this is not pointed out.

Having been tethered to the sacrifice of Public service now for nearly eight months (net) , (nineteen years gross, flexitime) I can assure you that many a lorry driver would'nt get out of bed for the suggested paltry £63,000 I find myself having to manage on.

With only 35 days annual holiday plus add on days and 10 public holidays, I am expected to do my job (except when the trains are not running to schedule when the office takes a lenient view on non arrivals) and then of course there was that shocking flu epidemic which laid me low from May day to Whitsun , but i digress.

The person taking on this new appointment needs to be on a par with a similar position with those in the private sector (when things are going really well) but I would suggest a minimum starting salary of £550,000 to reflect the huge responsibility provided by this new post.



CJ
chris@stone.uk.com

 

[ParaHandy]

Ever mindful of the Government’s desire for risk-free, no cost, and 100% safety, to the great (Scottish) inventor Haggis McKiltie we owe the “salt water plasma McTugger” which changes the density of sea-water so that boats can not sink. In a later invention McHaggis invented brakes. Sadly his wife, Jeannie McTottie the olmpic high dive champion, died whilst assisting McHaggis’ experiments.

 

[tcm]

Salary scales

Ahem.

Well, these revised salary levels may appear excessive, but I remain absolutley to determined to attract the very highest calibre of management from around the world.

So, the base levels will remain at the lorry driver level of £63k, with er £487 grand allowance for iving in Fleetwood, which is very reasonable. And I'm not sure, Mr Paxman, but does the tone of your voice seems to indicate almost a tone of envy, surely not? I should point out that the same review body which control NBS senior salaries and remuneration is the very same which controls those at the BBC.

 

[claymore]

Resignation

Call me premature - but I just resigned this afternoon - I have done a deal as I haven't had anything like the holidays I'm entitled to yet and not a single day of flu leave taken with 8 to roll over from last year.
I'll start tomorrow looking for a suitable office in Fleetwood and some really nice furniture... is there a website for executive toys somewhere and perhaps I should approach Byron for one of his cast off hats - although there was a post yesterday from the skipper of Tidbinbilla to say that the Wyre was full of whitecaps -maybe they all blew off.
Once established I'll await instructions and will we be dot com, dot co.uk or dot gov?

 

[tcm]

Re: the brief

The NBS needs you to develop new and innovative training and delivery programme, and simultaneously recruit a loyal and dynamic team around you, and make all necessary arrnagements for the appropraite level of equipment to deliver against that programme.

The government has already passed the necesary legislation to take control of all existing marnia developments, so you will need to arrange the acquisition of all vessels, forwarding account fulfillment requests to dept 41B601/GHYU6234, PO Box 345634 Westminster.

Office equipment to senior grade 1b/A/6T has alreasy been arranged and will arrrive at 3rd floor Grand Central Esplanade Offices at the end of the week. Kindly the spelling of you name and any professional qualification which should appear on the brass plaque of your office. A PA and secretarial team headed up by Julie Rogers from the Royal Navy will be at your disposal. An initial conference an photocall will be held in eigth weeks time at the Grand Hotel, Eastbourne, and your attendance of you and your team is invited.

 

[david_e]

Fleetwood

..sorry £487,000 is not enough to entice me to move to Fleetwood, I saw it once when flying to Scotland.

ps can my NBS issue boat have a rag & stick please!

 

[tcm]

Re: rag stick

I don't want to see people "asking" for boating treament as though it's a favour. With the NBS, it's a right, not a priviledge. You have the right to the most appropriate boat for your needs. So, in the same way as you can make an appontment, see the doctor, get free drugs, not use them and then moan and winge about the whole process, so it will be with boats. Except this time we'll do it right, ha ha, and eliminate the queues right from the start, by buying your own boat from you at an agreed value, and returning it directly to you, if that's okay?

 

[lyc]

Re: the brief

What is the NBS's policy on dishing out bad news days?

 

[tcm]

Re: bad news days

A very important point, which I am pleasd that you raised [furrowed brow mode= on] because we do recognise that there can be problems, even accidents, but it;s importnat to realise that these are indeed accidents, and to adopt a culture of blame and retribution won't help the NBS, won't help the people working in it who are doing their very best, and just as importanly won't help the public at large.

And let's not forget that with the NBS there's a real chance of us preserving our maritime heritage for generations to come.

Whereas er with the national Health Service, every single patient will eventually die and there are (ultimately) no "good news" days, just days on which the bad news of their slow lingering death or instant rather shocking death is put off until sometime later...er who gave me this script?...could we cut that last bit please? Thanks.

 

[claymore]

Tough schedule

I have a weeks holiday booked from March 20th which I hope you'll honour, in addition, I like to get away in June - the Queen has given me an extra day this year so I'll not be chipping into my leave quite so heavily that week and I do like the 5 weeks or so starting 19th July.
Now about the training.
Obviously We don't want people just getting a boat and sodding off so if I get the dock gates welded up for a month or two that should stop that. The docks are quite big and used to be full of merchantships and trawlers so am confident we can offer everything up to Ocean Yachtmaster with a tidal endorsement made possible by getting a few boats tied together and fixed to a pontoon with their props spinning. They do a lot of that in Fleetwood already so I'm sure that will work.
I'll nip to Trawler Supplies and get some lobster pots for the slalom event and we'll need to let Liverpool Coastguard know so that they can get staffed up to cover all the new radio checks that are bound to start up. I'll nip to the Fleetwood Arms tonight and get them to apply for an occasional licence so that we can run the vessel under command of drunken skipper module realistically and that just leaves us with the rules of the road section. I thought we could do this in classroom based theory mode because obviously the theory and the practical bear little resemblance and I wouldn't like to upset the balance and have a whole load of boaters who knew what to do in a given set of circs, we could wind this section up with an 'everyone for themselves and the devil take the hindmost' sort of session.
The bit I'm not confident of delivering is the section on Clothing and personal gear. I could do with some expert help here and thought about getting that nice man in from Compass who could run through his breathables etc and prices.
It would be best if we didn't do a session on how to fix your engine. This kind of uninformed mariner is the bread and butter of the RNLI and I don't want to queer their pitch by introducing a load of people who know how to get going again once its conked.
Obviously these are initial broad brush musings and I'll be applying the finer detail as soon as I get a nice new desk.
The assistant from the Navy sounds a positive move - will she be wearing stockings and one of those rather pleasant uniforms with a starched white shirt brushing delicately against firm young thingies or will she be like that old slapper Marion who works here?
Am I on the right lines?
regards
JS