The cruising life .. Men v women outlook

I would say the most important thing is to help your wife find her place on the boat, and her part of the dream, otherwise long-term you will find it hard to keep going.

Sometimes it may be through hobbies, sometimes it may be through mixing ports and anchorages, but it will almost definitely involve warmer climates. We found that ports during the early winter months meant we could get some onland routines going (swimming classes with the small one was a great success).

Also, once you get to Spain, I think you´ll probably find a much larger expat community near the water than in France.

My wife didn´t like the longer passages, but we ended up doing more night passages than I expected because she enjoyed them more, which was surprising. Mostly this was because our son during the day got more and more mobile, and so it was more tiring to keep an eye on him.

Good luck, and I hope it works out for you.

Justin
P.S. You could start by getting your wife to update her page on your website!
 
My first post - here goes:) However, I have to add that I've been a 'voyeur' of this forum for some time.

Btw, this is a reply from the female perspective! A potted history to start: Four years ago I'd never set foot on a yacht. Now I find myself 6 months into our big adventure of doing the cruising thing.

From my perspective, as a relative newbie to all of this sailing malarky, my over-riding feeling is that cruising is a truly wondeful lifestyle. As far as the actual sailing goes it's a continually changing mixed bag because of the effects of mother nature and the weather she throws at us. Some days it can be idyllic, nothing like it when you've just enough wind, a smooth sea state, maybe a drop of sunshine, no noise apart from the lapping of the water. On other days I've not enjoyed it at all, hated it in fact. For instance, doing a 24 hour passage with a north west swell on your rear quarter, yukk...hated it. However, what do you do? Grit your teeth and remember several things - a) there's a very experienced sailor with you, a man who cares about your welfare who's close to hand should you need him whilst you're on watch; b) the boat is as safe as houses, she's looking after you too and c) at the end of that tedious 24 hours there's another fascinating destination awaiting you.

Before we left the UK I hadn't even crossed the Channel let alone Biscay but had done a fair bit of sailing in and around the Solent (including some racing) and a bit of cruising in the West Country and the Canaries. The way I coped with, or got my head around doing the longer passages e.g. crossing Biscay (31 hours) going from place to place down the west of Portugaul (two 24 hour passages) was to compartmentalise them in my head. Sort of like 'Ok, 24 divided by 2 = 12. So, I only have to manage the boat for 12 hours and those 12 hours are divided into 3 hour watches = 4. The rest of the time, I'll be tucked up in a bunk blissfully unaware' (you DO sleep, believe me because you're tired enough!) Those 4 little 'sections' made it manageable for me even if they weren't enjoyable.

As for the places we've been - wow! Loved Southern Brittany. Adored the Rias - Galicia is a small piece of heaven on earth. Portugal was just fabulous and now we're thoroughly enjoying southern Spain. We made a plan to get to the Algarve by the end of October which we managed (having left the UK in mid-July) so that the weather would still be fairly kind to us. It's a bit chilly at night but the days are still nice and mild, not dropping much below 15 degrees. Better than the UK for sure.

I was dreading leaving my family, my cat, my friends and my job but the thought of it was worse than the reality. However, yes, I still get homesick but for people rather than bricks and mortar. I miss my folks, my cat and friends but hoorah for Skype! (My cat doesn't have her own Skype account but my brother helps her out...and holds her up to the screen so I can see her!) And hoorah for pay as you go data cards (or dongles or whatever they're called) which have enabled us to use the internet for email, Skype, Facebook or whatever all the time we've been away.

I've spoken to a fair number of other crusing couples along the way and it's a real mixed bag. Some ladies are die-hards, competent sailors, been doing it for years and loving it. Conversely, there are a lot of ladies I've met who loathe the sailing part but are happy to put up with that in order to get to the next lovely destination.

You mention in one of your posts, the language barrier in France. I guess we're both fortunate in having a smattering of French (the school-room stuff comes back to you quite quickly when you have to use it). As far as Spanish and Portuguese go, I brought language learning sets with me for both i.e. books and CD's. I'm by no means fluent though but have been getting by with the basics in both Spanish and Portuguese After all, I have the time on my hands to try and study.

One thing I have really enjoyed along the way in France, Spain and Portugal, is the access to good quality, fresh, local produce. I love the municipal markets in the towns and the fresh fish markets at which the goods are so reasonably priced. I've been in my element cooking wonderful food with fresh ingredients and having the time to do so, even though I say so myself!

I've gone on too much I think! My first post has nearly turned into a novel. :) I hope it's helped.
 
Thank you for all your replies which have helped a lot.
There are those wonderful women sailors out there who love it but also a lot of women who put up with our dreams or find alternative ways to be with us when we sail (even if only part time or finding alternative ways to get to a destination).
With the people we have met it was supprising how many wonderful women there are out there who just put up with us.
I should also imagine that as most of the people on this forum are male so getting a honest female perspective is difficult.
There are those who for one reason or another have had to cancel the dream or cruising life as one partner did not enjoy it. This is a very difficult and brave decision to make and I have a lot of respect for those who do it. How it leaves the partner who wanted to sail when they ae back home I don't know but I should imagine there is a big hole that is difficult to fill.
We will sail for another year so we can say we gave it every chance but if after that year my wife is not enjoying it we will have to make the big decision and for me I know that will be selling the boat and moving back on land. If that point comes I know we will have given it every chance, she will have let me have my dream for a while and it will be my turn to let her have her dream. She is more important i know that but I also worry how I will feel away from this life. I am not the first nor will I last in this position which is a horrible dilema but it may not come to that. All we can do at the moment is make the best of every minute and see.
 
Lord Tennyson's viewpoint.....

I hold it true, whate'er befall;
I feel it, when I sorrow most;
'Tis better to have loved and lost
Than never to have loved at all.
 
Nostrodamus said:
Thank you for all your replies which have helped a lot.
There are those wonderful women sailors out there who love it but also a lot of women who put up with our dreams or find alternative ways to be with us when we sail (even if only part time or finding alternative ways to get to a destination).
With the people we have met it was supprising how many wonderful women there are out there who just put up with us.
I should also imagine that as most of the people on this forum are male so getting a honest female perspective is difficult.
There are those who for one reason or another have had to cancel the dream or cruising life as one partner did not enjoy it. This is a very difficult and brave decision to make and I have a lot of respect for those who do it. How it leaves the partner who wanted to sail when they ae back home I don't know but I should imagine there is a big hole that is difficult to fill.
We will sail for another year so we can say we gave it every chance but if after that year my wife is not enjoying it we will have to make the big decision and for me I know that will be selling the boat and moving back on land. If that point comes I know we will have given it every chance, she will have let me have my dream for a while and it will be my turn to let her have her dream. She is more important i know that but I also worry how I will feel away from this life. I am not the first nor will I last in this position which is a horrible dilema but it may not come to that. All we can do at the moment is make the best of every minute and see.
Click to expand...

You have got exactly the right attitude and hope all works out.
 
To the OP.

We are on the final preparations for 'living the dream' starting next spring. House will be rented out yacht almost ready! (ha ha!) SWMBO has had the same dream since before we met so it is much her dream as mine, however women have a different coping strategy from men, we are generally more practical dealing with whatever comes, whereas my SWMBO needs to work on the worst case and how to cope with that! This can be quite depressing and mentally exhausting!

She doesn't like foul or rough weather (we have sailed in up to a F9 and 3m waves) I understand. Prefers to sail in sunshine not rain or Fog (but has managed both). Makes me wait for suitable weather windows and a decent forecast. Her longest passage at sea has been 6 days and 650m to date and she is concerned as to how she will cope at sea! Worries we will run out of water (at sea) and money (on land), holed by a whale or a container, sunk and in the liferaft for 40+ days, how will she wash her hair and clothes and keep her make-up from melting in the tropics, the sun will make her age prematurely, but what a tan!

She wants the Caribbean and warm water to swim and snorkel in. I think the trick is to address the fears and concerns, have a plan (of sorts) and take things at her pace, Over wintering in N. Europe on board cannot be much fun, plan your passage south with plenty of time for her and the promise of nicer things next year.

Good luck!
 
We too, hope it all works out and I know you are working very hard to achieve that.

The fundamental question which you must resolve is the true nature of the problem.

If it is the adjustment to the cruising life then the suggestions by Justin are all positive and worth trying. If, however, it is a genuine and heartfelt pining to return to the relative security of bricks and mortar, friends and family, familiar surroundings then I fear that just applying a sticking plaster may only be a temporary fix.

We truly feel for you, and more so for your wife. FWIIW I think you are both very brave to have managed to let your feeling known to each other. Many couples could not do that.

Whatever the outcome, you will have made the right decision in the long run.
 
Our experience is as two women sailing so may or may not help the consideration of heterosexual couples and different views of life afloat.

One of us is definitely the one who had the original dream, and indeed the other had never been sailing till we got together. We moved aboard full tiem in 2003 and lived aboard in the UK till 2006, sailed south that year to the Med. One of us loves being at sea, is up for long voyages, the other (especially after our Biscay crossing) has a limit of 3 days at sea based on stats and weather forecasts. In fact neither of us are very good at swell. We still have to work and for us the viable model is several months a year in the UK and several months aboard, currently in the Med. We have family in the UK and NZ but do not have children. All this could apply to any couple irrespective of gender.

We are not going to sail RTW as long ocean passages are not on. But we are having a fantastic time exploring the Med so far. If it were not for the money we would live aboard full time and winter in rather nicer places than Ipswich/London, so it is not living afloat that is the issue but rather long distance passage.

This may not help with the gender-specific analysis but we think our pattern of differential interest within a couple applies to a lot (but not all) cruising folk and liveaboards, in all the different permutations. The trick is to find what makes you both happy and enjoy it - and change it if the encounters with reality don't match the original plan.
 
My wife is dead keen and has been since I mentioned it to her when we first met. She loves sailing, especially when green stuff is coming over the decks, though even after ten years is more of a willing passenger than anything. She does like cooking under way, which is a definate plus!

We are planning for sailing away in 2013. Her only conditions are that we are home for Christmas and darling daughters birthday in November and we keep a house in the UK.

We have decided on priorities which are seaworthyness, a big double bed, decent sized galley and shower/heads. I have decided this means a Heavenly Twins which we can easily afford to own and run, she has decided it's a Moody 37 which we can't.

Still, the way to make any relationship work is compromise. So a Moody 37 it will be, I suppose!
 
Last edited:
[Still, the way to make any relationship work is compromise. So a Moody 37 it will be, I suppose![/QUOTE]

SWMBO bought the first boat we saw! I then looked at dozens more then WE bought the same model as the one she first saw (compromise!)
 
Mrs Springy said:
My first post - here goes:) However, I have to add that I've been a 'voyeur' of this forum for some time.

Btw, this is a reply from the female perspective! A potted history to start: Four years ago I'd never set foot on a yacht. Now I find myself 6 months into our big adventure of doing the cruising thing.

From my perspective, as a relative newbie to all of this sailing malarky, my over-riding feeling is that cruising is a truly wondeful lifestyle. As far as the actual sailing goes it's a continually changing mixed bag because of the effects of mother nature and the weather she throws at us. Some days it can be idyllic, nothing like it when you've just enough wind, a smooth sea state, maybe a drop of sunshine, no noise apart from the lapping of the water. On other days I've not enjoyed it at all, hated it in fact. For instance, doing a 24 hour passage with a north west swell on your rear quarter, yukk...hated it. However, what do you do? Grit your teeth and remember several things - a) there's a very experienced sailor with you, a man who cares about your welfare who's close to hand should you need him whilst you're on watch; b) the boat is as safe as houses, she's looking after you too and c) at the end of that tedious 24 hours there's another fascinating destination awaiting you.

Before we left the UK I hadn't even crossed the Channel let alone Biscay but had done a fair bit of sailing in and around the Solent (including some racing) and a bit of cruising in the West Country and the Canaries. The way I coped with, or got my head around doing the longer passages e.g. crossing Biscay (31 hours) going from place to place down the west of Portugaul (two 24 hour passages) was to compartmentalise them in my head. Sort of like 'Ok, 24 divided by 2 = 12. So, I only have to manage the boat for 12 hours and those 12 hours are divided into 3 hour watches = 4. The rest of the time, I'll be tucked up in a bunk blissfully unaware' (you DO sleep, believe me because you're tired enough!) Those 4 little 'sections' made it manageable for me even if they weren't enjoyable.

As for the places we've been - wow! Loved Southern Brittany. Adored the Rias - Galicia is a small piece of heaven on earth. Portugal was just fabulous and now we're thoroughly enjoying southern Spain. We made a plan to get to the Algarve by the end of October which we managed (having left the UK in mid-July) so that the weather would still be fairly kind to us. It's a bit chilly at night but the days are still nice and mild, not dropping much below 15 degrees. Better than the UK for sure.

I was dreading leaving my family, my cat, my friends and my job but the thought of it was worse than the reality. However, yes, I still get homesick but for people rather than bricks and mortar. I miss my folks, my cat and friends but hoorah for Skype! (My cat doesn't have her own Skype account but my brother helps her out...and holds her up to the screen so I can see her!) And hoorah for pay as you go data cards (or dongles or whatever they're called) which have enabled us to use the internet for email, Skype, Facebook or whatever all the time we've been away.

I've spoken to a fair number of other crusing couples along the way and it's a real mixed bag. Some ladies are die-hards, competent sailors, been doing it for years and loving it. Conversely, there are a lot of ladies I've met who loathe the sailing part but are happy to put up with that in order to get to the next lovely destination.

You mention in one of your posts, the language barrier in France. I guess we're both fortunate in having a smattering of French (the school-room stuff comes back to you quite quickly when you have to use it). As far as Spanish and Portuguese go, I brought language learning sets with me for both i.e. books and CD's. I'm by no means fluent though but have been getting by with the basics in both Spanish and Portuguese After all, I have the time on my hands to try and study.

One thing I have really enjoyed along the way in France, Spain and Portugal, is the access to good quality, fresh, local produce. I love the municipal markets in the towns and the fresh fish markets at which the goods are so reasonably priced. I've been in my element cooking wonderful food with fresh ingredients and having the time to do so, even though I say so myself!

I've gone on too much I think! My first post has nearly turned into a novel. :) I hope it's helped.
Click to expand...

Bumping this post cos it took her a fair while to write & I cant see anyone would get to read it, unless they went back through this thread, which would have been a waste of effort. As it was her first it took about 24 hrs to get through the moderators but the date/time stamp is as when it was posted
 
Nostrodamus said:
We will be as soon as we sensibly can do. First sail fro here will be the 200 miles to Santander. I need to balance getting southas soon as possible with a long sail that will be off putting for everyone.
Click to expand...

How about going through the canals? for Her in doors, this was the only way. I have the major problem that Her In Doors does not like being on board for more than a 3 week period, so we are planning June and September this year. I don't particularly like being alone for a long time, so in the last couple of years we had a succession of friends for 2 weeks, which was fun, but very tiring, and not what I had originally hoped for - ie wondering without a detailed plan.

So I have to decide whether I bring her home this year - but other things get in the way - Weddings - in June July and August!!!! so getting back (via the canals) becomes a real juggle as marina costs are sooo high in the summer if we have to leave the boat for a week at a time.

Organising a cruise is just so much easier if the wife is on board full time..... But you have to accept the situation and make the best of it. And yes, when we got married she knew what I wanted to do......
 
The canals are way too shallow for us as we draw 2m. We could fit happily into the Suez Canal I suppose but for some reason she does not like the idea of coming out at the bottom.
 
When it became clear my wife wasn't happy the only solution really was to sell the boat. I did not marry my wife to go of sailing on my own, sort of defeats the purpose.
 
I reckon it may come out all right at the end of next year anyway...

Plans change, people change, people change their minds. After two years afloat you may be ready for a change yourself.

Presumably you do not plan to spend the rest of your life living in Cygnus III (palatially appointed as she no doubt is) so there was always change on the horizon somewhere.

I have read most of your posts and all of your blog (because we are following behind you next year - certainly as far as Gibraltar) and personally I am struck by your willingness to be candid regarding some of the negatives to living this type of life.

In earlier threads a note of disharmony sounded when you were talking about the cold on the Atlantic Coast over winter. People suggested to you then what they are suggesting now - get to the sun. Next year you will, and I suspect things may improve.

If they don't improve... who knows? Maybe sell Cygnus III (it's an Oyster so must be worth more than Greece's debts) and buy a house and a smaller AWB and continue the trip by summer months only. Or something else... only you can know. Both you and Mrs N. seem to value each other by your accounts so I am sure you will resolve this with a reasonable compromise.

I reckon part of the problem must be the prospect of spending the winter staring into the face of a succession of North Atlantic Lows and dealing with a nation of people who don't (as a whole) much like the Brits (as a whole) right now and which contains individuals who are prepared to tell you in English that they won't communicate with you except in French.

(When I first read that I laughed and thought - "Ha! Those crazy French ways!" ... Then I thought about how I would come across if I did that to someone from a different country who was talking to me here in Britain. I wouldn't be proud of myself and your respondent has no reason to feel pleased with herself in my opinion.)

In the summer it's fun - in the winter, it's harder work. I hope it works out. You and your family are a source of some inspiration to people who would like to do something similar and a refreshing change from some of the contributors to this forum who are always looking for a fight and love to tell you that you're doing something wrong.

Keep it up.

(Oh – and nice post Mrs Springy – RobbieW was right – it’s easy to miss.)
 
>SWMBO needs to work on the worst case and how to cope with that!

That's precisrly what you should do. We went through every possible worst case scenario from rigging failure, to rudder failure, to abandon ship, to fire etc. We came up with both a plan A and a plan B in case A didn't work. We practised everything as much as possible in dayliight and the dark.

The other thing is the lady on board is more confident if she can handle the sails, radio, navigation, helming etc. Jane could do all that but we bought a new boat so we practised sail handling on a ketch.The first time we did was a classic c*ck up, as we tacked there was an enormous crash, we had fogotten we had a mizzen sail.
 
Roaring Girl said:
This may not help with the gender-specific analysis but we think our pattern of differential interest within a couple applies to a lot (but not all) cruising folk and liveaboards, in all the different permutations. The trick is to find what makes you both happy and enjoy it - and change it if the encounters with reality don't match the original plan.
Click to expand...

thanks for writing this because one of my bugbears is the seemingly common view that the non-sailing half of a partnership is a female and therefore it's always about what women don't like. I am far far away from being a liveaboard or a cruiser, but in my case it's my (male) partner who is not interested in the boat or sailing and all the complaints that male sailors levy at their womenfolk are just the same as those complaints I have about my man! Generally, I think that if you don't want to go, then you will find all the reasons in the world - missing family, too cold, too rough, not enough headroom, hard beds yadda yadda yadda!
 
You can't have read my post No:2


" I have also known couples where the driving force has been the woman. Some Swedish friends sailed for about five years, then sold the boat as the bloke wanted to move ashore. After two years she had bullied him into selling, buying a bigger boat and taking off to Brazil!"
 
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