Old favourite - Your funniest true boat story

[Guest]

C'mon ... we all need a good laugh and many learn from others mistakes etc. We have all made those stupid errors and fell, in, ran aground, etc. etc.

Recently - as many know I have a Russian lass who sails with me and loves it .... doesn't know what to do, but still life has its compensations !! We are approaching home marina where they have fitted new fingers to the pontoons to berth alongside. We BOTH know they are a little unstable and tend to rock a little !!
So boat coming in, she's on bow ready with bow line. I;m at other end hand on throttle and tiller keeping euye on pontoon etc. I turn to pick up my ready laid spring to stop boat going too far, i hear " Nigel-l-l-l-l-l-!!!!!!!!" SPLASH !
So I stop engine, throw on spring line .... onto pontoon to see a head and shoulders above water, arms hanging onto pontoon finger, still clutching bow line !

I gallantly throw bow line off to one side and start to lift her from water, only to see boat swinging back in ! So I smartly PUT HER BACK INTO THE WATER !!! and grab the bow line and tie boat off to next boat away from her ......

Needless to say I was not popular in putting her back into cold UK water !!!! Plus another factor that didn't help - was my statement to her .... We all do it love !!

Now over to you lot !!!!

 

[Twister_Ken]

Well, there was the time...

... I put a racing boat on the Brambles. We were in the lead too. I wondered why no one else was following us, but was confident I'd done the sums right.

I had, but using the previous year's tide tables.

 

[Guest]

Many years ago arrived outside Chichester Yacht Basin after 3 weeks holiday to discover a waiting pontoon,not connected to the shore, outside the lock...strong wind blowing off the pontoon. Wife leaps off with warps in hand to discover pontoon was in place but cleats had not been fitted. She quickly threw the aft warp on board and sort of got the forward warp on No wait for it not that, wind blew me off sideways I couldn't go forward because the closed lock gates, nudged aground that stopped me, retrieved forward warp, got off the putty had three goes of getting wife back aboard before she finally risked life and limb and lept during the forth pass.....Meanwhile the lock keepers were selling tickets and running a sweepstake on whether I would enter the lock without her and end up retrieving her via dinghy. We provided entertainment for the lock keepers and those in the bar of Chichester Yacht club for about 15 minutes. and then there was the time oh blow it that is enough for this one!!!!

Pete

 

[Gunfleet]

I don't know what's funny about this. It's how we always deal with locks.

 

[oldharry]

Quite a few years ago a trip boat with a party of disabled passengers was heading up the Arun towards Arundel. A flash powerboat came up at 25+ Knots, and just to make everyones day made a racing turn, thoroughly soaking the passengers in the tripper.

Later on, the tripper was returning to Littlehampton, when the same power boat hove in sight - still doing 25kts, and having stopped off at the Black Rabbit (pub).

A sudden er - fault, in the trip boats steering caused her to jink broadside across the river as the powerboat approached. Power boat swerved, took the sloping concrete revetment at full chat, and disappeared over the river bank into a field of cows.

Said the skipper later: 'We didnt stop - we knew he wouldnt drown up there. But we did rather hope there was a bull in amongst those cows....'

 

[Pelican]

Some years ago taking a TSDY from London to the south of France via the canals, we were heading down the Rhone river somewhere. It was a beautiful day, sun shining, green trees flashing by - Mistral wind blowing hard - twin Rootes Listers roaring away - owner and son on the flybridge in their swim suits conning the boat. I was the galley slave fixing launch below. On the menu was cold meats, salads and chocolate mousse preceeded with lots of G+T and the red biddy. The chocolate mousse came from a packet and on tasting it I found that it had an old taste so decided to chuck it - unfortunately I had drunk too many G+T's and opened the windward side door to the deck - and chucked out 5 litres into the wind - you never heard such screams and cursing from the flying bridge for as you can guess the mousse was whipped up by the wind, flung aft on to the flying bridge covering the pair there - only on wiping their eyes did they realize it was chocolate and not sh..t!

Pelican

 

[BrianJ]

Recent Misfortunes and Sequence of Events

Dear Sir,

It is with deep regret and haste that I write this letter to you. I regret that such a small misunderstanding could lead to the following circumstances, and haste in order that you receive this report before you form any preconceived notions or opinions from reports that you may read in the daily press.I am sure the press tend to over-dramatise in their exaggerated reporting.
We had just taken on the pilot and Dick had returned to the wheel house after changing over the G flag(I require a pilot), to the H flag(I have a pilot on board),. It had been a rough 48 hours and we were all a bit tired, . He was having trouble rolling up the G flag before stowing it> I therefore proceeded to instruct him on the correct method of rolling up a signal flag. Coming to the last part of my instruction, I told him to "let go"., now Dick is a little hard of hearing so I had to shout at him again "LET GO" .
At this moment Ian appeared from the chart room , having been checking our position, and plotting our progress. Thinking it was the anchors being referred to , he rushed forward and let the Admiralty anchor go. The effect of letting this powerful anchor go , whilst at full harbour speed, was too much for the windlass brake. The entire length of the Admiralty chain was pulled out by the roots, depositing the anchor and 135 feet of chain on the harbour bed,. This was the port anchor and therefore the breaking effect naturally caused the yacht to sheer to port, right towards the Spit Harbour swing bridge which spans that part of Middle Harbour which we were navigating.
The swing bridge operator showed great presence of mind by promptly opening the bridge to my vessel.Unfortunately he did not think to stop the traffic. The result was that the bridge opened , depositing two cyclists, a Volkswagen and a motor bike on the foredeck. What a hell of a mess we had to clean up.
In his efforts to stop the progress of the vessel, Ian dropped the starboard anchor, too late to be of any practical use as it fell ,into the swing bridge operators dingy , moored alongside.A poor reward I fear for his quick reaction in opening the swing bridge.
After the boat had started to sheer through the accidental letting go of the port anchor, I told Dick to go full astern , at the same time asked for full revolutions. I was informed that the sea temperature was 58 degrees F and asked if we were all going to a movie tonight. My reply , whilst colourful would not add constructively to this report.

It is strange , but at the same time exactly that the port anchor was dropped there was a power cut ashore. The fact that we were passing over a cable at the time suggests that we might have touched something on the bottom of the harbour. It is lucky that the high tension cables that we bought down by our mast were not "live" , otherwise I might not be writing this report. Possibly the cables had been replaced by underwater cable. Owing to the blackout it is impossible to ascertain where the electric cable pylon fell.
Up to now I have confined my report to the activities at the forward end of the vessel. Down aft they were having their own problems. At the moment the port anchor was let go, Ian was also supervising the making fast to a speed boat that had come to our assistance. The sudden breaking effect of the port anchor caused the power boat to run under our stern, just at the moment the propeller was answering my scream for full astern. Ian's prompt action in securing the inboard end of the towing spring delayed the sinking of the power boat by several minutes, thereby allowing the abandonment of that vessel by her crew.
I am always amazed at the actions of people in a crisis. The pilot is huddled in the corner of the salon crooning to himself after having drunk my last bottle of Bacardi., in a time worthy of inclusion in the Guiness Book of Records. The power boat owner , on the other hand, reacted quite violently and had to be restrained by force. He is telling me to do impossible things with the yacht and my person.
Enclosed with this report are the names and addresses of the cyclists and motor bike rider, together with details of their insurance companies> These particulars will enable you to claim compensation for the damage they caused to the railings, coaming and fore deck that they caused when they landed from the swing bridge.

In conclusion I wish to report that had Dick had more experience with flags, he would have realised that it is not necessary to fly the pilot flag in the dark, none of this then would have happened. Yours faithfully

ƒ¾ƒ¾ƒnƒnƒnƒnƒnƒnƒ¾ƒ¾ƒ¾
BrianJ

 

[Guest]

Not the Mississippi Tale again !

I did ask for true stories ..... this old 'un has been going for years ......

One time its the Mississippi River, another its Amazon .... etc. etc.

 

[Guest]

Indian Ocean .....

270,000 ton tanker ......
5 o' clock in morning

Sextant and chronometer

Me and my calculator / Almanac

Captains instructions in Night Orders .... after Stars position in morning, turn towards Aldabaran Island to pass a few miles off ...,. (Captain was member of Royal Ornithological Society --- boy that was hard to spell !!)

So I duly take my 6 stars, run up the position and plot on chart ..... excellent, alter course to island intercept. Expect arrive at about 0900 ......

0800 change over with 3rd Officer and point out island coming up on radar etc. (Its an Atoll and protected, but low lying and doesn't show up well till you hit it !!!!)

I have breakfast and when going back up to bridge to have gander at this ... I hear a rather loud voice .... What the bloody hell are you doing Mister 3rd Mate !

I quietly slink around the door ... and see the old man giving the 3rd mate a severe dressing down ! Why ... well he's turned away from the island, spoiling the old mans bird spotting .....

The reason ? I used the previous days almanac data by mistake and had us approx. 10 miles too close to the island ... if the 3rd mate had kept going as steered .... well we would have been aground. OK so understandable ... but he panicked and swung ship off 90 degrees away !!!! completely ruining the day !!!!

Now the end of this is that a) I was never shouted at, moaned at etc. etc, b) 3rd Mate was quiet for a week after and wouldn't talk to me !! Bliss !, c) ship-owner / charterers paid out for extra fuel and got no mention in the ROS Journal !!!!

(Note that a tanker like that on Steam Engines burns about 200 tons of fuel per day at normal speed !!)

 

[BrianJ]

Forgive me Nigel.. I though for one minute there would be at least one person who hadn’t heard it before. Hence I could bring a smile to some Poms face…..Oh foolish me. What do you suggest, banishment to the Mississippi River, or the Amazon.... ?

BrianJ

 

[summerwind]

This happened just North of Brisbane a few years ago. It was lunch time at the fish co-op and the boys were eating sandwiches etc under trees by the nearby boat ramp. The market is situated quite close to the entrance of the creek. There was a fairish chop coming into the creek caused by F3-4 over the shallow water of the bay.

Down the creek comes father, mother and teenage daughter in a largish aluminium dingy. They had spent the morning crabbing and had a pile of folding crab pots stacked high in the bow. Parents wearing usual T-shirt and shorts but all eyes are on daughter wearing micro bikini.

Dad pulls boat to lee side of ramp and kills outboard. He nimbly hops out with bow rope in hand and ties off to ring set in the ramp whilst deftly preventing boat grounding on concrete. We are all v. impressed.

Daughter gets out of boat next. Mum, not exactly anorexic, votes to stay in boat. Dad instructs daughter to hold boat and be sure not to let it hit the ramp whilst he collects car and trailer. Off he goes, leaving daughter in charge.

Daughter struggles with boat in the wind and chop whilst she is standing in lee of boat so shuffles around the stern to the windward side, holding the boat as she goes. Water level was at mid-chest height as she rounded stern. Before she can get back to mid-ships where she would be fairly well out of the water, a larger than average wave rebounds off the boat and washes bikini top down to her hips.

The watching men cheer, she screams and lets go of boat to pull her top up. Wind immediately catches boat and swings it around - Mother screams. Daughter abandons raising bikini top and lunges for boat. Catches it and pulls it back to former position over ramp.

Once things settled down, she then attempted to raise top again using just one hand. Despite her struggles, she was faily unsuccessful, much to the delight of the on-lookers.

As she more or less got the interesting bit of one side covered another wave rebounded off boat and pushed top to hips again. Repeat performance as above. Situation is slightly improved however as wave action has now forced bikini bottom to shift as well. Without getting into too much detail, nothing was now left to the imagination of the watching crowd. They show their apreciation by cheering loudly.

Daughter abandons hope of covering up and holds boat until Dad arrives with car and trailer. He back trailer down ramp to the correct poition. Hops out of the car and takes control. Mother now starts to loudly complain that daughter is next to naked, Dad took too long, no one helped etc, etc. More cheers from crowd.

Dad is REALLY upset by this and shouts at mother to get her ass out of the boat and help. Somewhat cowed by his aggressive attitude, mother gets out of the boat. Slowly to start with, but when halfway over the side, slips and falls into the drink. More cheers and much louder. Mother is now champion contestant in wet T-shirt and shorts competition. Not a lot left to the imagination here either.

With some assistance from his women, Dad now got the boat started onto the trailer. Sadly, just as the boat was at its highest angle of tilt, a wave lifted it, then crashed it down onto the ramp, knocking the outboard off the transom in the process. The following stream of invective was extremely impressive. So much so that a few of us now went to Dad's assistancce (Booing from the crowd)

Once the boat was safely on the trailer, Dad drove off, leaving women to walk.
Daughter, still having made no effort to cover up, approaces men still sitting under tree. When she reached them she removed bikini top and commenced into whipping them around the head with the straps. More cheering until mother joins in with wet T-shirt. Crowd scatters.

Now almost completly naked, but with pride satisfied, women walk off to the waiting car.

 

[BarryD]

Rescuing Raggies wife from the marina after he cocks up the mooring for the sixth time. Very cold water, lady turning blue beofre I got to her. Neither said thanks typical raggies and moved mooring to avoid looking us in the eye.

So you unscrew this, and put it safely here, then oopps...
All - IMHO, BTW, FWIW and NWGOI

 

[jimboaw]

On the public dock in Cowes our group of "likely lads" had the intention of drinking at least one local hostelry dry. We still had the radio on Ch 16 as we prepared for our vital mission when the following was clearly heard. Solent Coastguard. This is "Anchovy" Anchovy" Radio check please. Anchovy Solent Coast Guard . you are weak and barely readable. The wit amongst us emediatly quipped Anchovy, Anchovy you wreak and are barely edible" We all just cracked up with laughter. The wit laughed so hard he slipped and broke his leg. (Mine)

 

[Ozblah]

As a young lad I worked at a yacht brokerage. On a busy Sat morning I would run customers out to yachts on moorings for inspection.

I ran one couple out to a yacht for sale moored in the bay. I left them aboard but forgot to hand him the key so I wheeled the tender around, approached the stern and dropped the engine into reverse at idle so that the tender would slow up and with good timing I'd just hand him the key from the bow. I moved forward and reached out to hand him the key. The customer immediately grabbed my wrist as if to pull the tender alonside.

"Please let go of my wrist Sir.'
"Just take the key please"
"No really...Please let go of my wrist"
"f...king let go of my wrist you idiot"

To no avail he held on steadfastly obliging me to step onto the gunwhale of the yacht before the tender reversed out from under me.

With the tender in reverse and the motor nice and straight it quitely reversed down the bay.

Fortunately its pace was easy so I stripped down and swam for all I was worth for some 150 metres and caught it by the bow, pulled myself aboard and returned to the yacht. He was quite contrite and still dines out on the story.

Doesn't sound like too many here would give a yacht broker too much sympathy though!!

 

[alant]

Recently on a school boat coming close past the new 'chiming' North head bouy, a pupil (female & blonde) checked her watch & remarked - "and how does it know its 2 'o' clock"

 

[Guest]

Blondes ?????

Young Red-head lass goes to doctor and complains that every time she touches her elbow - it hurts.

Doctor checks it out and then asks her to 'strip' for full examination .....

Completed he asks her ..... 'You're not really a red-head are you ... ?'
She replies .... ' Right actually - I'm really a blonde ...'
Doctors reply ... ' Thought so - you're arms broken !'