HM_Government
New member
Dear Minions
Following an excellent suggestion by Rhumpole (peerage on the way sir) HM Government have undertaken a thorough review of spending and legislative procedures presently in position that affect the boating community.
As a result of this wide ranging and thorough consultation exercise we are delighted to advise of the following improvements that will be made for the benefit of you the little people.
1) Tax on Red Diesel.
As you know, Diesel for Marine Use is presently tax free but will shortly become taxed. However, this does not take into account the fact that many users have benefitted from tax free diesel for a number if years. The abolition will therfore be backdated to 1945. All boat owners will pay a one of levy of (£1 per litre of their fuel tank X engine size in HP x age of skipper) divided by skippers marginal tax rate. In addition to this Marine Diesel will now pay double duty.
The funds from this will be pumped back into boating in the form of a booklet entitled "Why Tax on Diesel is Fun" which will be given away FREE to any boater (£9.95 P&P)
2) Wind Tax
Our study has revealed that many owners of Sailing boats travel for free. This is patently unfair. It is unacceptable in a modern society that one group should guard ancient priviledges at the expense of others. To end this age old abuse we will be introducing a Wind Tax. This will be calculated at 40% of a boats sale area in square mm
Proceeds of this tax will be used to produce videos encouraging sailors to give up there cruel and unnatural past time and on a fleet of fast RIBS to police the tax.
3) Wind Farm re-Direction of power Act.
Wind Farms provide a clean sustainable source of fuel that do not upset the voters. Sailers will disrupt the output of such farms by using the power of the wind to fill there nasty sails leading to a loss of power. To counteract this, Each sailing boat owner must pay for the installation and maintenance of one wind turbine.
4) Motor Boats Wash Act
Motor Boats cash wash that can lead to erosion of the banks and damage to waterside property. Henceforth, all Motorboats must pay an annual levy of £50000 to pay for flood defences.
5) Shellfish cleaning act.
All boats cause pollution from their antifouling leading to unhealthy sea creatures. Whilst the Government understands the need for anti-fouling we have always operated a policy of the polluter cleaning up. Henceforth all pleasure boats will pay a levy of £15000 p.a to enable all fish and shellfish in UK waters to be removed from the sea, passed to a cleaning facility in Plymouth where they will be individually hand cleansed by Plymouth virgins before being returned to the water. ( This project is on hold due to a lack of Virgins in Plymouth but the levy will be taken in the meantime to pay for the education of plymouth girls as to why virginity is good)
6) Offshore policing act.
Due to police being diverted to catch criminals speeding there is insufficient police cover at sea. To overcome this, all sailors are hereby drafted as special constables. All vessels must now be equipped with flashing blue all round lights and a rather natty two tone siren. Fluoresecent stipes must also be applied to the hull.
Crew will be obliged to wear full police uniform. The full kit is available for £1948.50 per boat + £753 per crew member.
Skippers should also arrange for themselves to be trained as policemen and to take insurance for wrongfull arrest.
7) Registration of skippers
All people who intend to take a British flagged vessel to see must be first pass the test and then buy a license.
Test - The sea is a) Wet. b) Dry
Licenses are availabe at any post office. Simply print off the test - circle the correct anser (A) and hand in with the fee (£100) together with an application form and photo. ( prefereably of yourself)
I am sure that you will all agree that these proposals will make boating a much fairer and safer place for all.
Lots of Love
HM Government
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Following an excellent suggestion by Rhumpole (peerage on the way sir) HM Government have undertaken a thorough review of spending and legislative procedures presently in position that affect the boating community.
As a result of this wide ranging and thorough consultation exercise we are delighted to advise of the following improvements that will be made for the benefit of you the little people.
1) Tax on Red Diesel.
As you know, Diesel for Marine Use is presently tax free but will shortly become taxed. However, this does not take into account the fact that many users have benefitted from tax free diesel for a number if years. The abolition will therfore be backdated to 1945. All boat owners will pay a one of levy of (£1 per litre of their fuel tank X engine size in HP x age of skipper) divided by skippers marginal tax rate. In addition to this Marine Diesel will now pay double duty.
The funds from this will be pumped back into boating in the form of a booklet entitled "Why Tax on Diesel is Fun" which will be given away FREE to any boater (£9.95 P&P)
2) Wind Tax
Our study has revealed that many owners of Sailing boats travel for free. This is patently unfair. It is unacceptable in a modern society that one group should guard ancient priviledges at the expense of others. To end this age old abuse we will be introducing a Wind Tax. This will be calculated at 40% of a boats sale area in square mm
Proceeds of this tax will be used to produce videos encouraging sailors to give up there cruel and unnatural past time and on a fleet of fast RIBS to police the tax.
3) Wind Farm re-Direction of power Act.
Wind Farms provide a clean sustainable source of fuel that do not upset the voters. Sailers will disrupt the output of such farms by using the power of the wind to fill there nasty sails leading to a loss of power. To counteract this, Each sailing boat owner must pay for the installation and maintenance of one wind turbine.
4) Motor Boats Wash Act
Motor Boats cash wash that can lead to erosion of the banks and damage to waterside property. Henceforth, all Motorboats must pay an annual levy of £50000 to pay for flood defences.
5) Shellfish cleaning act.
All boats cause pollution from their antifouling leading to unhealthy sea creatures. Whilst the Government understands the need for anti-fouling we have always operated a policy of the polluter cleaning up. Henceforth all pleasure boats will pay a levy of £15000 p.a to enable all fish and shellfish in UK waters to be removed from the sea, passed to a cleaning facility in Plymouth where they will be individually hand cleansed by Plymouth virgins before being returned to the water. ( This project is on hold due to a lack of Virgins in Plymouth but the levy will be taken in the meantime to pay for the education of plymouth girls as to why virginity is good)
6) Offshore policing act.
Due to police being diverted to catch criminals speeding there is insufficient police cover at sea. To overcome this, all sailors are hereby drafted as special constables. All vessels must now be equipped with flashing blue all round lights and a rather natty two tone siren. Fluoresecent stipes must also be applied to the hull.
Crew will be obliged to wear full police uniform. The full kit is available for £1948.50 per boat + £753 per crew member.
Skippers should also arrange for themselves to be trained as policemen and to take insurance for wrongfull arrest.
7) Registration of skippers
All people who intend to take a British flagged vessel to see must be first pass the test and then buy a license.
Test - The sea is a) Wet. b) Dry
Licenses are availabe at any post office. Simply print off the test - circle the correct anser (A) and hand in with the fee (£100) together with an application form and photo. ( prefereably of yourself)
I am sure that you will all agree that these proposals will make boating a much fairer and safer place for all.
Lots of Love
HM Government
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