Monday Humour!

[cngarrod]

Some quotes...!

"My wife is a sex object. Every time I ask for sex, she objects."
Les Dawson.

"I believe that sex between two people is a beautiful thing. Between five, it's fantastic."
Woody Allen.

If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead."
Johnny Carson.

“You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life."
Emo Philips.

“When I die, I want to die like my grandmother who died peacefully in her sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in her car."
Author Unknown.

"It's so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten who ties up whom."
Joan Rivers.

"If it wasn't for pick-pockets and frisking at airports I'd have no sex life at all."
Rodney Dangerfield.

"Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences that money can buy."
Steve Martin.

"I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own."
Woody Allen.

"My love life is terrible. The last time I was inside a woman was when I visited the Statue of Liberty."
Woody Allen.

"There are a number of mechanical devices that increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief amongst these is the Mercedes-Benz 380L convertible."
Unknown.

"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house."
Steven Seagal.

"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time."
Robin Williams.

"What do people mean when they say the computer went down on them?
Marilyn Pittman.

"Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography."
Paul Rodriguez.

"My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty, and that's the law."
Jerry Seinfeld.

"Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is the same."
Oscar Wilde.

"Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away>from children".
A Mum.

Finally, one of the all-time best quotes: In a recent interview, General Norman Schwartzkopf was sked if he didn't think there was room for forgiveness toward the people who have harboured and abetted the terrorists who perpetrated the 9/11 attacks on America.

His answer was a classic; Schwartzkopf said, "I believe that forgiving them is God's function. Our job is simply to arrange the meeting."

 

[EME]

More Mondayne Humour!

Please note Number 8...also woth checking for all those noting 'Speed Loss'

TOP EIGHT MORONS OF THE YEAR
>1. WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP?
>AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months,
>saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million
>severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.
>
>2. WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS:
>Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a
>gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After
>firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was
>standing beside them in the police line, shouting "Please come out and give
>yourself up."
>
>3. WHAT WAS PLAN B???
>An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and
>forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines, wherein the
>kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.
>
>4. THE GETAWAY!
>A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Stop, and asked for all the
>money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up
>the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police
>showed up and grabbed him.
>
>5. DID I SAY THAT???
>Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just
>couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each
>man in the lineup to repeat the words, "Give me all your money or I'll
>shoot," the man shouted, "That's not what I said!"
>
>6. ARE WE COMMUNICATING??
>A man spoke frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her
>contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the
>doctor asked. "No!", the man shouted, "This is her husband!".
>
>7. NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED!!
>In Modesto, California, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to
>hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a
>finger to simulate a gun, but unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in
>his pocket.
>
>8. THE GRAND FINALE !
>Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east
>of Bakersfield, California, some folks, new to boating,were having a problem.
>No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand new 22 ft. boat
>going. It was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much
>power was applied.
>After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted to a nearby
>marina, thinking someone there could tell them what was wrong. A thorough
>topside check revealed everything in perfect working condition. The engine
>ran fine, the outdrive went up and down,the prop was the correct size and
>pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in he water to check underneath,
>he came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard.
>NOW REMEMBER..THIS IS TRUE..................
>Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer.
>
>
>9. Coming shortly.....there's someone talking about invading Iraq.....he'll be
on the list soon, watch this space.


A boat, a boat, my kingdom for a boat..

 

[Bejasus]

Re: More Monday Humour!

Two cowboys from Arizona walk into a roadhouse to wash the trail dust from
their throats. They stand at the bar, drinking their beers and talking
quietly about cattle prices. Suddenly a woman at a table behind them, who
had been eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so it
becomes apparent that she is in real distress, and the cowboys turn to look
at her.
"Kin ya swaller? asks one of the cowboys.
The woman signals No, desperately shaking her head.
"Kin ya breathe?" asks the other.
The woman, beginning to turn a bit blue, shakes her head "No" again. The
first cowboy walks over to her, pulls down her tracksuit pants, yanks down
her panties, and slowly runs his tongue up and down the woman's butt crack.
This shocks the woman to a violent spasm, the obstruction flies out of her
mouth, and she beings to breath again. The cowboy slowly walks back over to
the bar and proudly takes a drink of his beer. His partner says in
admiration, "Ya know, I'd heard of that there Hind Lick Manoeuvre, but I
ain't never seen nobody do it."


"I am the master of my fate: I am the captain of my soul."..........I think????