bilbobaggins
N/A
.... to crack a joke? Not even a boaty one.......?
Oh! You sure? All right, then....
The A B C's of Yachting
Anchor: Any of a number of heavy, hook-shaped devices that is dropped over the side of the boat on the end of a length of rope and/or chain, and which is designed to hold a vessel securely in place until
(a) the wind exceeds 2 knots,
(b) the owner and crew depart, or
(c) 3 a.m.
Bar: Long, low-lying navigational hazard, usually awash, found at river mouths and harbor entrances, where it is composed of sand or mud, and ashore, where it is made of mahogany or some other dark wood. Sailors can be found in large numbers around both.
Berth: Any horizontal surface whose total area does not exceed one half of the surface area of an average man at rest, onto which at least one liter of some liquid seeps during any 12-hour period and above which there are not less than 10 kilograms of improperly secured objects.
Boom: Laterally mounted pole to which a sail is fastened. Often used during jibing to shift crew members to a fixed, horizontal position.
Burdened Vessel: The boat which, in a collision situation, did not have the right-of-way. See PRIVILEGED VESSEL.
Captain: See FIGUREHEAD
Canvas: An abrasive sailcloth used to remove excess skin from knuckles
Caulk: Any one of a number of substances introduced into the spaces between planks in the hull and decking of a boat that give a smooth, finished appearance while still permitting the passage of a significant amount of seawater.
Crew: Heavy, stationary objects used on shipboard to hold down charts, anchor cushions in place and dampen sudden movements of the boom.
Current: Tidal flow that carries a boat away from its desired destination, or toward a hazard.
Distress Signals: International signals which indicate that a boat is in danger. For example, in American waters: the sudden appearance of lawyers, the pointing of fingers, and repression of memories; in Italian waters: moaning, weeping, and wild gesticulations; in French waters: fistfights, horn blowing, and screamed accusations; in Spanish waters: boasts, taunts, and random gunfire; in Irish waters: rhymthic grunting, the sound of broken glass, and the detonation of small explosive devices; in Japanese waters: shouted apologies, the exchange of calling cards, and minor self-inflected wounds; and in English waters: doffed hats, the burning of toast, and the spilling of tea.
Engine: Sailboats are equipped with a variety of engines, but all of them work on the internal destruction principle, in which highly machined parts are rapidly converted into low-grade scrap, producing in the process energy in the form of heat, which is used to boil bilge water; vibration, which improves the muscle tone of the crew; and a small amount of rotational force, which drives the average size sailboat at sppeds approaching a furlong per fortnight.
Equator: A line circling the earth at a point equidistant from both poles which separates the oceans into the North Danger Zone and the South Danger Zone.
Figurehead: Decorative dummy found on sailboats. See CAPTAIN.
Fuel: Sailboats without auxiliary engines do not require fuel as such, but an adequate supply of a pale yellow carbonated beverage with a 10 percent to 12 percent alcohol content is essential to the operation of all recreational craft.
Galley: 1. Ancient: Aspect of seafaring associated with slavery 2. Modern: Aspect of seafaring associated with slavery
Hazard: 1. Any boat over 2 feet in length. 2. The skipper of any such craft. 3. Any body of water. 4. Any body of land within 100 yards of any body of water.
Leadership: In maritime use, the ability to keep persons on board ship without resorting to measures which substantially violate applicable state and federal statutes
Life Preserver: Any personal flotation device that will keep an individual who has fallen off a vessell above water long enough to be run over by it or another rescue craft.
Mile (Nautical): A relativistic measure of surface distance over water - in theory, 6076.1 feet. In practice, a number of different values for the nautical mile have been observed while under sail, for example: after 4 p.m., approximately 40,000 feet; in winds of less than 5 knots, about 70,000 feet; and during periods of threatening weather in harbor approaches, around 100,000 feet.
Passenger: A form of movable internal ballast which tends to accumulate on the leeward side of sailboats once sea motions commence.
Porthole: A glass-covered opening in the hull designed in such a way that when closed (while at sea) it admits light and water, and when open (while at anchor) it admits, light, air, and insects (except in Canadian waters, where most species are too large to gain entry in this manner).
Privileged Vessel: The vessel which in a collision was "in the right". If there were witnesses, the owner could bring an admiralty court case - know as a "wet suit" or a "leisure suit" - against the owner of the other boat, and if he proves "shiplash", he could collect a tidy sum.
Queeg: Affectionate slang term for ship's captain
Racing: Popular nautical contact sport
Rapture of the Deep: Also known as nautical narcosis. Its symptoms include an inability to use common words, such as up, down, left, right, front, and back, and their substitution with a variety of gibberish which the sufferer believes to make sense; a love of small, dark, wet places; an obsessive desire to be surrounded by possessions of a nautical nature, such as lamps made from running lights and tiny ship's wheels; and a conviction that objects are moving when they are in fact standing still. This condition is incurable.
Rudder: A large, heavy, vertically mounted, hydrodynamically contoured steel plate with which, through the action of a tiller or wheel, it is possible, during brief intervals, to point a sailing vessel in a direction which, due to a combination of effects caused by tide, current, the force and direction of the wind, the size and angle of the waves, and the shape of the hull, it does not wish to go.
Sextant: An entertaining, albeit expensive, device, which, together with a good atlas, is of use in introducing the boatman to many interesting areas of the earth's surface which he and his craft are not within 1,000 nautical mailes of.
Shipshape: A boat is said to be shipshape when every object that is likely to contribute to the easy handling of the vessel or the comfort of the crew has been put in a place from which it cannot be retrieved in less than 30 minutes.
Spanner Wrench: One of the most useful tools for engine repair; in come cases, the only suitable tool. Not currently manufactured.
Spinnaker: An extremely large, lightweight, balloon-shaped piece of sailcloth frequently trailed in the water off the bow in a big bundle to slow the boat down.
Tack: To shift the course of a sailboat from a direction far to the right, say, of the direction in which one wishes to go, to a direction far to the left of it.
Uniform: As worn by yacht club members and other shore hazards, a distinctive form of dress intended to be visible at a distance of at least 50 meters which serves to warn persons in the vicinity of the long winds and dense masses of hot air associated with these tidal bores.
Varnish: High-fiction coating applied as a gloss over minor details in personal nautical recollections to improve their audience-holding capacity over frequent retellings.
Weather Helm: Marked tendency of a sailboat to turn into the wind, even when the rudder is centered. This is easily countered by wedging a heavy object against the tiller. See CREW.
Wharf: Sound made by Vang when he wishes to be fed.
Yacht Broker: Form of coastal marine life found in many harbors in the Northern Hemisphere generally thought to occupy a position on the evolutionalry scale above algae, but somewhat below the cherrystone clam.
Yawl: Southern version of ahoy.
Zeyphyr: A warm, pleasand breeze named after the mythical Greek god of wishful thinking, false hopes, and unreliable forecasts.
Don't hit me, don't hit me..... /forums/images/graemlins/blush.gif /forums/images/graemlins/grin.gif /forums/images/graemlins/blush.gif
Oh! You sure? All right, then....
The A B C's of Yachting
Anchor: Any of a number of heavy, hook-shaped devices that is dropped over the side of the boat on the end of a length of rope and/or chain, and which is designed to hold a vessel securely in place until
(a) the wind exceeds 2 knots,
(b) the owner and crew depart, or
(c) 3 a.m.
Bar: Long, low-lying navigational hazard, usually awash, found at river mouths and harbor entrances, where it is composed of sand or mud, and ashore, where it is made of mahogany or some other dark wood. Sailors can be found in large numbers around both.
Berth: Any horizontal surface whose total area does not exceed one half of the surface area of an average man at rest, onto which at least one liter of some liquid seeps during any 12-hour period and above which there are not less than 10 kilograms of improperly secured objects.
Boom: Laterally mounted pole to which a sail is fastened. Often used during jibing to shift crew members to a fixed, horizontal position.
Burdened Vessel: The boat which, in a collision situation, did not have the right-of-way. See PRIVILEGED VESSEL.
Captain: See FIGUREHEAD
Canvas: An abrasive sailcloth used to remove excess skin from knuckles
Caulk: Any one of a number of substances introduced into the spaces between planks in the hull and decking of a boat that give a smooth, finished appearance while still permitting the passage of a significant amount of seawater.
Crew: Heavy, stationary objects used on shipboard to hold down charts, anchor cushions in place and dampen sudden movements of the boom.
Current: Tidal flow that carries a boat away from its desired destination, or toward a hazard.
Distress Signals: International signals which indicate that a boat is in danger. For example, in American waters: the sudden appearance of lawyers, the pointing of fingers, and repression of memories; in Italian waters: moaning, weeping, and wild gesticulations; in French waters: fistfights, horn blowing, and screamed accusations; in Spanish waters: boasts, taunts, and random gunfire; in Irish waters: rhymthic grunting, the sound of broken glass, and the detonation of small explosive devices; in Japanese waters: shouted apologies, the exchange of calling cards, and minor self-inflected wounds; and in English waters: doffed hats, the burning of toast, and the spilling of tea.
Engine: Sailboats are equipped with a variety of engines, but all of them work on the internal destruction principle, in which highly machined parts are rapidly converted into low-grade scrap, producing in the process energy in the form of heat, which is used to boil bilge water; vibration, which improves the muscle tone of the crew; and a small amount of rotational force, which drives the average size sailboat at sppeds approaching a furlong per fortnight.
Equator: A line circling the earth at a point equidistant from both poles which separates the oceans into the North Danger Zone and the South Danger Zone.
Figurehead: Decorative dummy found on sailboats. See CAPTAIN.
Fuel: Sailboats without auxiliary engines do not require fuel as such, but an adequate supply of a pale yellow carbonated beverage with a 10 percent to 12 percent alcohol content is essential to the operation of all recreational craft.
Galley: 1. Ancient: Aspect of seafaring associated with slavery 2. Modern: Aspect of seafaring associated with slavery
Hazard: 1. Any boat over 2 feet in length. 2. The skipper of any such craft. 3. Any body of water. 4. Any body of land within 100 yards of any body of water.
Leadership: In maritime use, the ability to keep persons on board ship without resorting to measures which substantially violate applicable state and federal statutes
Life Preserver: Any personal flotation device that will keep an individual who has fallen off a vessell above water long enough to be run over by it or another rescue craft.
Mile (Nautical): A relativistic measure of surface distance over water - in theory, 6076.1 feet. In practice, a number of different values for the nautical mile have been observed while under sail, for example: after 4 p.m., approximately 40,000 feet; in winds of less than 5 knots, about 70,000 feet; and during periods of threatening weather in harbor approaches, around 100,000 feet.
Passenger: A form of movable internal ballast which tends to accumulate on the leeward side of sailboats once sea motions commence.
Porthole: A glass-covered opening in the hull designed in such a way that when closed (while at sea) it admits light and water, and when open (while at anchor) it admits, light, air, and insects (except in Canadian waters, where most species are too large to gain entry in this manner).
Privileged Vessel: The vessel which in a collision was "in the right". If there were witnesses, the owner could bring an admiralty court case - know as a "wet suit" or a "leisure suit" - against the owner of the other boat, and if he proves "shiplash", he could collect a tidy sum.
Queeg: Affectionate slang term for ship's captain
Racing: Popular nautical contact sport
Rapture of the Deep: Also known as nautical narcosis. Its symptoms include an inability to use common words, such as up, down, left, right, front, and back, and their substitution with a variety of gibberish which the sufferer believes to make sense; a love of small, dark, wet places; an obsessive desire to be surrounded by possessions of a nautical nature, such as lamps made from running lights and tiny ship's wheels; and a conviction that objects are moving when they are in fact standing still. This condition is incurable.
Rudder: A large, heavy, vertically mounted, hydrodynamically contoured steel plate with which, through the action of a tiller or wheel, it is possible, during brief intervals, to point a sailing vessel in a direction which, due to a combination of effects caused by tide, current, the force and direction of the wind, the size and angle of the waves, and the shape of the hull, it does not wish to go.
Sextant: An entertaining, albeit expensive, device, which, together with a good atlas, is of use in introducing the boatman to many interesting areas of the earth's surface which he and his craft are not within 1,000 nautical mailes of.
Shipshape: A boat is said to be shipshape when every object that is likely to contribute to the easy handling of the vessel or the comfort of the crew has been put in a place from which it cannot be retrieved in less than 30 minutes.
Spanner Wrench: One of the most useful tools for engine repair; in come cases, the only suitable tool. Not currently manufactured.
Spinnaker: An extremely large, lightweight, balloon-shaped piece of sailcloth frequently trailed in the water off the bow in a big bundle to slow the boat down.
Tack: To shift the course of a sailboat from a direction far to the right, say, of the direction in which one wishes to go, to a direction far to the left of it.
Uniform: As worn by yacht club members and other shore hazards, a distinctive form of dress intended to be visible at a distance of at least 50 meters which serves to warn persons in the vicinity of the long winds and dense masses of hot air associated with these tidal bores.
Varnish: High-fiction coating applied as a gloss over minor details in personal nautical recollections to improve their audience-holding capacity over frequent retellings.
Weather Helm: Marked tendency of a sailboat to turn into the wind, even when the rudder is centered. This is easily countered by wedging a heavy object against the tiller. See CREW.
Wharf: Sound made by Vang when he wishes to be fed.
Yacht Broker: Form of coastal marine life found in many harbors in the Northern Hemisphere generally thought to occupy a position on the evolutionalry scale above algae, but somewhat below the cherrystone clam.
Yawl: Southern version of ahoy.
Zeyphyr: A warm, pleasand breeze named after the mythical Greek god of wishful thinking, false hopes, and unreliable forecasts.
Don't hit me, don't hit me..... /forums/images/graemlins/blush.gif /forums/images/graemlins/grin.gif /forums/images/graemlins/blush.gif
