How can I get over my fear of sailing?

[dawnsall]

This appears to be a very common problem for women. We've been cruising for 5 years and I've done several thousand miles in our very seaworthy boat and before we give up our yacht I want to make sure I've tried everything. But I only really want to hear from somebody who has actually got over it. I know it sounds mad to all you keen sailors. I love everything else about the cruising life, but this spoils it for us both. Please don't ask me what it is that scares me, because if you do I doubt if you can help me. It's nothing to do with the skipper, he's incredibly patient. I've tried hypnotherapy. I have my shore based day skipper and in fact I've done all our navigation, but I wondered if a practical course might help, something more sailing based perhaps, but I think the instructor would have to be very experienced and highly recommended. I'm open to suggestions. Please help!

 

[absit_omen]

Try not to think too much about it. Anyway, fear is a very healthy emotion to have when anywhere near the sea. It is the laid back sailor which I dread shipping with.

I can't remember which eminent sailors said it but: "By day, fear. By night, terror."

 

[BlueSkyNick]

You say "please don't ask me what it is that scares me" but erm.......What is it that scares you?

Do you mean the whole experience from getting on the boat to getting off again? Motor sailing OK but not sailing only? Sailing upright OK, but don't like leaning over? OK in sight of land, but not out of it? OK in calm seas but not rough?

I've met folk, not just ladies, for whom any or even all of these are the reasons.

Just give us a bit more to go on!

 

[ThereAndBack]

Not a complete reply by any means but my wife is only slowly getting over her fear of sailing, and I guess it will take some time yet.

From an initial fear of even stepping onto the boat she is now at the 'uncomfortable when under sail' stage. However, anything unexpected seems to unnerve her: a gust of wind, a flapping sail, who knows what else.

It isn't a lack of understanding of what is happening but seems to be almost irrational sometimes, even though she is a lot more capable than she gives herself credit for.

The single thing which made a noticeable difference to her was passing the practical part of her ICC. It didn't solve the problem but it did make a difference.

Probably not much help but be assured that you are not alone in this. Don't beat yourself up over it - life is too short.

I have just had a word with my wife and she says; if you think it would help to swap emails with her or have a chat with her please send me a Personal Message with your email address and she will contact you.

Best wishes to you, whatever you decide to do.

Alan

 

[samwise]

Fear of what <u>might</u> happen is possibly one of the problems. I'm afraid blokes tend to be rather gung ho about it all -- women have more vivid imaginations and tend to work to the worst case scenario.
This is no bad thing. My wife thinks like that and it often puts the brakes -- or provides an alternative view -- on some potentially rash behaviour on my part (not that I want to give the impression of being irresponsible!).
The other major fear factor is the huge range of variables facing the sailor. As we all know, in even the most carefully planned voyage there is a whole host of things that can go wrong and some people cannot handle that degree of lack of control.
If we are honest, we are all a bit scared setting off on a passage of some length i.e. Channel or North Sea crossing or further. We both felt a bit wobbly when we started our first Biscay crossing and like stage fright, I don't think it goes away completely no matter how many miles you put under your keel.
I would recommend building confidence in your practical abilities and increasing your responsibilities on our boat ( my wife does all the passage planning and navigation and we split the helming duties). That way you will have more input to the project and consequently more control.
A practical RYA Day Skipper course would be good. Also, talk to other people about the problem, if they are honest, I think you will find you are not alone. Most activities have a fear factor in some shape or form -- skiing, motorcycling, climbing and other less extreme sports to varying degrees. That's what provides the challenge and the buzz and that is what makes it worthwhile. Good luck, I hope you overcome.

 

[damo]

[ QUOTE ]
But I only really want to hear from somebody who has actually got over it

[/ QUOTE ]
But then you will only be hearing about someone else who is DIFFERENT from you.

If you would like to hear from someone who has helped others in situations with some similarities /forums/images/graemlins/smile.gif .....

For many years I have regularly taken managers on leadership courses rock climbing. The point is that they are supposed to choose the one they are most fearful of, from the activities on offer (learning points, overcoming irrational fears, personal achievement blah blah).

Some delegates could never control the fear, some realised that it was safe and great fun and wished they had taken up the sport years before. The basic fear is ingrained - millions of years of evolution are telling the hind brain that this is a stupid dangerous situation to be in - so it takes learning and self-confidence to overcome this.

Some of the fear is irrational and due to unfamiliarity, and most delegates could see that, when it is pointed out to them that they may have driven to the course on a fast motorway, fiddling with the radio, talking on the phone, listening to the satnav and being totally at ease with the situation - if they experienced that for the first time it would be very frightening!

It can take a huge amount of self-discipline and counselling/tutoring to overcome a lifetime of conditioning - so if you are generally timid about new activities/experiences, or hate being in a situation where you don't understand what's happening and being under someone else's control, then you will have your work cut out.

Someone else I know had deep-rooted psych problems that emerged as paralysing fear in some situations - she thought it was the sailing/climbing that scared her, when actually it was projected emotion from other stuff.

There will certainly be ways you can manage your fear, but you will have to decide if the effort is worth it depending on your personal cost/benefit. I agree that you need to try and pin down what it is that is causing the fear - there might be a simple solution for you. There are all sorts of techniques for tackling this, including visualisation, NLP, this, that, the other, so you may need some professional assistance.

Or it may be that you just don't like sailing? I have read the books, listened to the nagging, and have to do it often enough - but I will NEVER enjoy cooking /forums/images/graemlins/grin.gif

Good luck... /forums/images/graemlins/smile.gif

 

[giolconda]

[ QUOTE ]
Try not to think too much about it. Anyway, fear is a very healthy emotion to have when anywhere near the sea.
___________________________________________________

Fear is an in-built mechanism for self-preservation and as Anteak has said is a healthy emotion.

Remember ! A person without fear is a fool.

You must trust all that is around you - yacht, skipper, equipment and yourself. Trust those and the sea and weather become secondary though must not be treated with contempt.

It might be a good idea to have some own boat tuition with an instructor to build up your confidence.

Don't give up I'm sure you'll get there. /forums/images/graemlins/blush.gif

 

[Anonymous]

Dawn, I'm the skipper and I get frightened sometimes. I'm quite lucky, I suppose, that fear doesn't have a very debilitating effect on me but it isn't nice, so I know where you're coming from. Mostly, we fear things that are either outside our control, or the unknown. There is no doubt that any intelligent person should consider the open sea as a 'scary' place. So no surprises that you suffer from fear. Maybe your response to that fear is a bit extreme? I think that you think it is.

One can overcome a basic fear cognitively -- i.e. you tell yourself that there is nothing to be frightened about and pull yourself together. That's what you have been trying to do and it isn't working for you. It does work for many.

Don't feel isolated at this stage....I need intravenous sedation to even SEE a dentist. Totally irrational but there you go. My choices are intensive talking therapies or IV. IV works for me. But you can't go IV on a yacht.

Combinations of things might help; you could take mild sedatives -- benzodiazepams -- when you go to sea as long as you are not needed to do anything (no cooking, watches, etc.). There are some very short acting benzos such as midazolam, temazepam or the longer-lasting diazepam and chlordiazepoxide. You'd need a kindly physician to prescribe for you as you don't want to just get doped-out, you want some help over a (hopefully) short period so it would need to be a skilled prescriber.

There are non-drug therapies such as hypno CDs. They can be very successful in suitable patients and pointless in others. They are cheap and easy to obtain, so worth trying.

Most sailors just keep themselves busy. Whenever I feel bad in any way I take on some duty (even if off-watch). Take the helm (you are probably on autopilot anyway) and steer a compass, cloud, or star course. Very therapeutic. Or go and sit on the bow and do a Kate Winslett. Again, very therapeutic. Watch a funny DVD. We keep a portable DVD player on hand. Some of your favorites that make you really laugh. Great therapy. Do you have an SSB/Ham set? Make a few calls? Or mobile phones, or VHF/DSC calls to friends who might be nearby?

Clearly you want a solution so try to think laterally about what you think might work for you. It could be that you are getting too cold and overtired, with too much coffee. It does happen. It could also be that you hate the sea...that happens too. Nelson was one of those.

 

[FWB]

Perhaps do a short passage where You are the skipper.
Decide where to go, plan the route, check the weather, helm the boat, trim the sails... etc etc as if you were singlehanded.
Just a thought.

 

[grumpy_o_g]

An explanation on the fear of flying as postulated to me by an RAF Aviation Medicine specialist. I was always interested in this as I used to teach gliding, which is much safer than flying light aircraft but is perceived as more dangerous. It applies equally to sailing I think and I've tried to "translate it" to sailing.

Woman generally suffer more from fear of things that are not usual to them because they are used to guarding the children and protecting them from danger. The focus is on staying safe. The added factor that you cannot flee the danger when it becomes too great increases the discomfort even further.

Men on the other hand have evolved more to challenge that fear in search of food, etc. and men will actually seek danger. It is "manly" to face down danger. For both their behaviour is (was?) a survival trait for the species and probably the family.

Unfortunately, for many men (including incredibly patient men) flying or sailing is often the means to get their "perceived risk" ration and this usually not even realised by either party. This doesn't always mean the man is shouting Yee-Ha and trying to keep the lee-rail at least 6" underwater (actually, as far as I can make that means he's from Tennessee). He can be quietly sailing along and clearly be aware and concerned of your feelings but not aware of what to do to sort it (if there's anything he can do, short of find the proverbial oak tree for you to sit under of course).

Rather than re-assuring you, what really needs to be done is to clearly and obviously change the situation to make you feel safer. This isn't always practical but reefing earlier, "tacking" downwind (i.e.sailing on a reach on alternate tacks rather than a dead run, to reduce rolling), trying to find a way to reduce the slamming, that sort thing. It's not the actual reduction in risk as I'm sure neither you nor the skipper would ever knowingly put yourselves in significant danger - what's key is the perception that the danger has been reduced. Another trick is to "visualise" the danger as something outside the boat and the boat is your safety zone and the thing that's helping you flee it. I've seen this work amazingly when someone managed to convince herself it was the clouds that were dangerous - after that, as long as she didn't go anywhere near cloud-base, she was fine. Be a bit selfish and tell the skipper what YOU want to do. It's your holiday too.

Unless it's a genuine phobia (which I guess is possible) then there will be some particular aspects which are causing the fear. If you had the chance to stay on a 60' luxury catamaran moored in the Maldives would you hesitate? It sounds as if you jump at it so it's probably a combination of factors in the sailing which are unsettling you but, if you can't find (or create) a focus for your fear, your are unlikely to be able to remove it.

I notice you always refer to "your" skipper; you've done all the theory but none of the practical (there's a cost element in that too admittedly). The one thing not mentioned is you being in control of the boat - something you hint at by asking if you should take a practical course. I would say that anything that makes you feel more in control of the situation has to be good. Have a search through the forums for recommendations for a course that will build your confidence, maybe even an all girls course.

At the end of the day if it's not for you then it's not for you. Certainly no-one can say you haven't tried.

 

[damo]

Some very interesting stuff there, nicely explained. Thank you /forums/images/graemlins/smile.gif

 

[Salty John]

It might be best to look upon your 5 years of cruising as a great adventure, a challenge completed, an experience of a lifetime - and then move on to other things.
It seems to me that unless there is some miracle cure for your apprehension of sailing, which I doubt, continuing to brave it out is only going to tarnish the memories of what you have already achieved.
Think of something else to do if you still have the craving for adventure but have an aversion to the means of achieving it - drive to Australia, build a house, start a business etc.
As long as you don't view moving on to other things as a failure, as quitting, you'll have a happier and healthier life for having made the bold decision to quit while you're ahead.

 

[boatmike]

My dear late wife was terrified of sailing for years. She loved cruising in that she loved travelling and exploring new places, but not sailing. When we analysed it it was due to the fact that she nearly drowned when little and was afraid of the water. The first step therefore was to get her down to the local swimming bath and teach her to swim properly so that she could eventually have the confidence to swim in deep warm water off the boat in secluded anchorages. That helped a lot. Then it was clear that she never liked "leaning over" so I sold my long keeler and bought a catamaran. Boy did that make a difference! No leaning over, comfortable beds, hot shower on board..... Excellent! Peregrine also has a dry hard top wheelhouse so sailing warm and dry is a great improvement. I started out not thinking I would like cats myself but am now 66 and still enjoying every minute of it. If I had my old monohull now I would miss the comfort myself. I have been on my own now for 10 years, but have lady friends who won't go out with chaps on monohulls but love coming out with me.... I don't think it's all because of my good looks and charming personality! If any of this rings a bell see if you can beg borrow or charter a cat for a few weeks and see if it makes a difference. You never know..... It may be a compromise for the skipper at first but could be a way of you both enjoying the experience.....

 

[Gerry]

Boy do I sympathize!

I was the one in our marriage who wanted to go cruising, so it came as a real shock to me that I was as frightened as I was in the first few years. I don't think that there are any simple answers....

Some of the turning points for me were:

Courses with martin of www.martinnorthey.net He taught mostly on sailboats but now does motor too. He helped me learn some basic skills that improved my confidence immeasurably. letting me make mistakes but appearing if things got too serious!

An understanding partner who was happy for me to say, I don't want to go out today!

And a conversation with Anne Hill who in telling me of the fears that she still has made me realise that my own fears were completely normal and it was perfectly ok to feel this way!

www.gerryantics.blogspot.com

 

[Phoenix of Hamble]

What a wonderful thread.

Not only some sound advice, and supportive views, but a whole load of open and honest posts too!

I am often a little nervous when things get frantic after more than 40 years on the water... in fact I am OK in a howling gale... but its the big seas that make me nervous.... but perhaps am lucky in having the 'male' trait of being able to put it to one side and cope. SWMBO is less able to do so, but has definitely become noticeably more comfortable in the last few years. It can be overcome, but requires patience, considerate behaviour from your partner and time and care in large quantities.

Nice thread once again, and very refreshing and encouraging.

 

[Oliveoyl]

Samwise, do you know me?

"Fear of what might happen is possibly one of the problems I'm afraid blokes tend to be rather gung ho about it all -- women have more vivid imaginations and tend to work to the worst case scenario".

Even after an idyllic day of cruising, where nothings gone wrong at all, I toss and turn at night, dreaming about how Neptune will wreak his revenge the next day.

"and some people cannot handle that degree of lack of control"

Yep, my life is about being in control - my job title is controller, and raising 4 kids is also about being in control.

"A practical RYA Day Skipper course would be good."

Did one in Aegina , GR, this spring - my Shirley Valentine experience, as the kids called it. Am now less scared (subjective), and feel more in control (objective). On our 2 subsequent cruises, have even offered a 2nd opinion to the skipper (diplomatically phrased of course, like "seems like this course is taking us straight to the reef, I guess we're going to tack just in time to avoid it and overtake the flotilla going the long way round?"). The RYA school I went to also does ladies' weeks? Would strongly recommend to Dawn

 

[dawnsall]

Wow! What a fabulous response. I'm overwhelmed. Thank you. I really appreciate the effort everybody's put into their replies and I feel very encouraged. I need to read through it all a few times I think, but I'll definitely look into a practical course, it's just finding the right instructor. As soon as I get a chance I'll respond to the PM's and comment further. Thank you. Dawn

 

[jellyellie]

Hi Dawn

I also agree that it would be a great idea for you to go on a practical course, so you can feel more in control. However, like you say it will be about finding the right instructor, as a bad one could just put you off sailing even more.

I know the perfect instructor to help you. She's called Jannine Stoodley and she runs the Dream or Two sailing school based in the Solent. Dream or Two have a women's section called Sailing Women where they run women-only courses and enter Solent races with all-women teams. Jannine caters for everybody, but particularly for women who are in situations similar to yours. I have no doubt that Jannine will totally understand how you are feeling, and she will perfectly guide you through whatever course you choose to take whilst increasing your confidence step-by-step.

I have no commercial affiliation with Dream or Two, but I have sailed with them in the past and Jannine is by far the best sailing school skipper I have ever sailed with - and I've done RYA courses from Competent Crew all the way up to Coastal Skipper.

You can contact Dream or Two through their website www.dreamortwo.co.uk - I really do recommend you check it out.

Best of luck - let me know how you do

jelly

 

[RobinBirch]

Hi Dawn

I'd also recommend Jannine of Dream or Two -very patient!

Robin

 

[TNT]

I am so relieved to ready these posts. We (my fiance) & I have just bought our first boat a 40' yacht which is at the moment in Spain. Although we have spent every spare week & lots of time getting her prepped for our first trip to Sardinia in May and she is a lovely sturdy boat, I still have my fears. I have sailed tall ships as part of a crew, I work in a marina dealing with the 'boaties' all day long & we've sailed all over Greece. My partner reasures me that everything will be ok and I don't know what I am afraid of.........possibly just the ocean in general but I'm glad to see I'm not alone. I'm sure after our first trip I will feel differently, I am hoping so. Although I definately do agree with the rest of you that women are totally different from men when it comes to fear. It's the 'Mars/Venus' thing, I think we're just born worriers. It's nice to read everyones advise though.