Help! Getting over the fear of sailing.

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mp2013

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My husband and I boat a sailboat last year. We've been sailing it on freshwater, and go out pretty much every weekend in the summer. Last summer I was a wreck at the start of the season. Even the slightest gust of wind freaked me out, and I was constantly nervous at night that our anchor would come undone and we'd hit something. My husband, while a good man, is not patient and takes a no-nonsense approach to things. He finds my fear impractical, to say the least.

The start of this season has been much better for me. I feel comfortable for the most part while sailing, and don't worry at night when sleeping at anchor. Yesterday though, the wind picked up as we were coming close to the marina, and the waves followed suit. It wasn't bad weather, but enough to raise my stress levels significantly. I am normally the one that preps the boat before we pull into the marina (buoys off the side, lines prepped for docking, etc.), and yesterday I lost my head while doing it. The waves and wind had me in a tizzy, and I snapped at my husband that I don't like sailing. Needless to say, this was upsetting news to him. He is passionate about sailing, and dreams of taking off for months at a time to go cruising. The idea of living aboard is not exactly my favorite, though I do love the idea of traveling. To be fair, I love when we're anchored and can relax on the boat. I just don't much like the actual sailing side of sailing. I know it's a fear and lack of control, but I don't know if it can be conquered.

Any advice out there for people who got into sailing because of a loved one, and learned to love it? If so, how did you overcome any fears/dislikes/hesitations you had?
 
Have you thought of doing a training course (without your husband)?

Your discomfort may well be an understandable result of not being aware of the capabilities of the boat. Once you 'know the ropes' you may well feel a lot more comfortable about the whole thing. But whatever you do, please keep trying!

Welcome to the forum!
 
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I would fully agree with the previous post - do RYA Competent Crew so that you get a better understanding of the boat. Also, make sure you take the helm in some relatively windy conditions in order to be able to experiment and get an idea of just how stable a modern sailing boat is. Get into some relatively open water and feel how it handles. Push it relatively hard, and learn to pinch it up by steering into the wind.

Modern yachts are amazingly stable and will get themselves back upright even after the boom has touched the water - it's a question of building up your confidence in it and your ability to handle it. Another thing you might try is learning to wind-surf or sail a dinghy. My wife was a very nervous sailor till she passed her basic wind-surfing certificate - that gave her the confidence to try almost anything.
 
Competent crew has been mentioned and I agree, I would also suggest day skipper because being is charge of a boat is a game changer. If it's any help we spent six and a half years away long distance sailing and island/coast hopping. It didn't matter how long the passage was we got nervous before leaving but the moment we cast off it went. The whole thing is about experience and confidence in what you can do. Jane learnt to navigate, handle the sails, anchoring, taking the boat on to the dock, helming under sail, tying up and everything else needed to look after a boat if I was incapacitated. We also practised emergency drills in daylight and at night, I would suggest you do all of that and then there is then every reason not to worry and to feel confident. I really wish you luck sailing is great fun and you get to see many places locally or abroad, also meeting other sailing folks is good fun just don't drink too much, we did ;-)
 
Taking a hands-on course sounds like a good starting point. I find that when the weather is clear, I don't mind taking the wheel. I don't really know the first thing about how to tack the sails, etc. though, so mostly I just steer and let my husband fiddle with the sails. It's when the wind gets strong, and I feel the boat getting away from me that I get nervous, even when I know she's just going to turn herself into the wind. The more I think about it though, the more it must be from a lack of experience. I get most upset when I'm in a situation that I don't know what to do. For example, yesterday my husband was rolling up the genoa when one of the lines got caught. The motor was on, and I was trying to keep us in the wind, but between the waves and the wind catching the half-rolled genoa I was having a hard time of it. I certainly felt completely out of my element and out of control. We eventually got things sorted, with no damage to boat or person, but I was left with this feeling that anything can go wrong at any minute on the boat. It caused us to end an otherwise lovely weekend on a rather sour note.

If anyone else has any other thoughts, or suggestions for courses, please feel free to share them. Thanks everyone!
 
The idea of some more experience without the other half is basically sound. Just one thought though, if you do a day skippers course you may then take exception to how hubby does things, another potential source of conflict and uncertainty.

At some point it may be a good idea, on neutral 'ground' to discuss your concerns and explain that you just need a little reassurance, support and experience. Sounds to me like you are doing the greater deal of the work in what should be a two way arrangement.

You sneaked a post in above this one and it strikes me from that one that you are coping extremely well. Yes things can go very wrong but contrary to your fears they really rarely lead to any lasting damage to person or property, usually the biggest damage is inflicted on egos!
 
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You are certainly not alone, we meet boats on our travels where wife/partner is there on sufferance, some fly out to each new destination while husband and mates sail the boat there. Problem quite often is that no-one has taken the time to involve them and explain what's going on.

I agree with the above comments. However, as KellysEye says, if you have the basic handling skills, can tie knots and have done the day skipper theory course, then go for a day skipper practical course rather than competent crew. My wife did it in the early days (having done the evening classes in winter) without me around, in the Solent. Came back with far more confidence and is now quite capable of passage planning/navigating and handling the boat day or night except for heavy sail handling. At one time she swore she would only cross Biscay at 30,000+ feet with G & T in hand. Over the years, we've crossed it 3 times on the boat.
 
If you want to do Day Skipper, by all means do so, but I don't think it is necessary to help overcome your current issues. The difference between Day Skipper and Competent Crew is primarily the theoretical topics like navigation - undoubtedly important, but not particularly relevant to feeling safe on a boat in windy conditions.

Either Day Skipper Practical, or Competent Crew will provide the confidence to be able to cope with difficult situations. My wife and I both did DS Theory and Practical soon after buying our first boat and shortly afterwards we got caught by a freak gust out in open water. We had been following another yacht, both under full sail with about 12 knots of wind right on the beam. We saw the yacht about a mile in front of us get knocked down so we knew that something strong was coming our way - I steered into the wind and saw the needle go from 12 knots to over 40 in a few seconds. From the DS Practical we knew what to do - my wife was kitted up in lifejacket and lifeline - we rode out the initial gust, got the boat stable, then she went forward to the mast, strapped on and we worked together to get the sail stowed before continuing on a heavily reefed genoa. Everything came together automatically and we did it without thinking about it. We were a bit shaken afterwards, but the training allowed us to keep a level head till we were safe.
 
Well done to the OP for not simply chucking her hand in and saying buy a motor boat......

I agree that the key is to understand what is going on on the boat and the best way to do that is to undertake some training, be it Competent Crew followed by Day Skipper of some variation on that theme. The other thing to do is to crew for some other skippers after doing the training. Often part of the problem with a husband wife team is the dynamics between them don't work well in stressful conditions: a neutral skipper and a different but similar boat may help to sort things out before putting to sea again as a husband and wife team.

One thing to remember is how safe modern sailing boats are. OK, sails may crash from side to side, the boat may heel but unless things are seriously wrong, it ain't going to tip right over. And so what if the sail flog about a bit? It sounds alarming but that's about it. So what? Well, if you don't like fighting sails in high winds, don't go sailing in high winds. If you don't like keeping fighting the helm against the wind, reef early so that the boat remains under control. Oh, what I seem to be saying is, hmmm, get some training so you understand what going on on the boat and you'll find it much more enjoyable. These days the only reason SWMBO gets upset about sailing and weather is when it disrupts the domestic tranquility below and she has to get to stop doing domestic tasks and get on with helping to sail the boat.
 
I would agree that being a couple on a boat is potentially fraught with tension. We both love sailing, we are both of a similar level yet we still have our moments of snappy tension. Couples are notorious for it. I suspect this aspect is never going to go away, even if you become the most gung ho sailor in the world. What we do try and do, once the drama is over, is talk it through when we are both more relaxed; if you don't feel you can do that, I would respectfully suggest the problem is not just the sailing. I take the view that anxiety is just a state of mind, and that a state of mind can be controlled with a bit of determination. I used to ride pillion a lot on my partner's motorbike (we did long tours across europe) and at first I was anxious about the whole vulnerability and leaning thing. I eventually taught myself to let go (what the hell could I do about it anyway?), gave into it and enjoyed everything far more after that.

I would agree with all those that suggest you should go on a course, preferably more than one, without your husband; Then get yourself on a racing crew. Once you've enjoyed the exhilaration of mad sails in any weather with a bunch of experienced sailors everything else seems pretty tame. It is so sad to think of anyone hating it out on the water.
 
May I suggest , you sit your husband down and explain to him , unless he want to be another one of them solo sailors while the wife stays at home , he need to takes things a lot more slowly .
A comp course maybe on an all female boat would be the way forwards , in my days of teaching I had many ladies as your self , and you be surprise what a week course would do for your confident , but your husband as to slow down and start taken it easy .explain what he his doing and why , and forget about being macho and not take you out in any weather your not happy with . Slowly slowly catch a monkey as we use to say .

www.bluewatersailorcroatia.webs.com
 
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I had very similar feelings and fears. 'Dolphins under my bed' and 'Cevamp, Mike and Me' are 2 very easy reads that helped in a strange kind of way. Agree with the training - learn as much as you can. Also agree boundaries with your husband - reef when you feel you need to, don't sail unless you are happy with the forecast etc and keep talking so your husband understands. Hope this helps but PM me if you want.
 
HI SWMBO (on here as SailorGirl) took a day skipper course on her own when she stated to sail with me to get to grips with it. She is now a YM instructor and has sailed across several oceans without me while I was at work!

Doing a practical course on your own will allow you to understand what is going on better and decide if you do actually like the sailing bit.
 
We have been sailing our own boat together for about 10 years now. I had similar fears to you, but since my partner was no more experienced (though bolder) than me, we came to a reasonable compromise which has worked well. If either of us wants to reef, wimp out, go somewhere else, stay in port, then that is what we do, and the other one accepts the decision without argument, however wimpish! On the other hand, if one wants to rig more sail, shake out reefs, go further etc, then we both have to agree. It's second nature now.

The decisions are often based on how easy/difficult it will be to get away from or into the harbour/berth - particularly an unfamiliar one.

Now, I probably worry in advance more, but we now find that he is often the more cautious one - for example, today we are staying put because he has wimped out of a fairly moderate passage in 20kn winds, when I had expected to go.

We feel like absolute wimps and fair weather sailors, but we do get places - we are on the east coast of Sweden at present, having sailed there this spring and expect to get back to the UK in September.

I hope you keep at it, and enjoy it. Talk it over with your other half and work out ways that suit you. It is much more fun to sail together!
 
mp2013 said:
Taking a hands-on course sounds like a good starting point. I find that when the weather is clear, I don't mind taking the wheel. I don't really know the first thing about how to tack the sails, etc. though, so mostly I just steer and let my husband fiddle with the sails. It's when the wind gets strong, and I feel the boat getting away from me that I get nervous, even when I know she's just going to turn herself into the wind. The more I think about it though, the more it must be from a lack of experience. I get most upset when I'm in a situation that I don't know what to do. For example, yesterday my husband was rolling up the genoa when one of the lines got caught. The motor was on, and I was trying to keep us in the wind, but between the waves and the wind catching the half-rolled genoa I was having a hard time of it. I certainly felt completely out of my element and out of control. We eventually got things sorted, with no damage to boat or person, but I was left with this feeling that anything can go wrong at any minute on the boat. It caused us to end an otherwise lovely weekend on a rather sour note.

If anyone else has any other thoughts, or suggestions for courses, please feel free to share them. Thanks everyone!
Click to expand...

Maybe, your husband needs to go on a course, since "keeping in the wind", is only necessary when dealing with the mainsail. Any adjustment/rolling up genoa, best done off the wind, to prevent flogging & helps get a tighter roll.
 
After doing a little RYA approved training we bought into a syndicate.

The boat was a 27 foot sports boat with a big rig, lots of headsails and a low boom.

Reefing was needed at about 15 knts.

First Mate gave me the hard word-6 AM starts from home, 8.30 PM return to home and the time in between quite often almost-but not quite-out of control were not what I had sold her.

After a serious conversation the regime was changed to a much more relaxed, smaller sailed one and we both started enjoying it more.

We now have a heavy serious boat and are off Sunday to spend 3 months on her.

If we cook it and both like it our lives may change significantly, with the next home downsize and becoming partial liveaboards.

It is not for all, but the advice so far is good.

Get some training, perhaps join a club with a cruising section where other ladies can share their experiences.

Good Luck-and fair winds!
 
What has been said about working out something that works for you as a couple is so true, and accepting that the "something" changes as experience is gained.
My wife has not done any formal training but is intending to do Competent Crew or similar as soon as time permits. However, over the years of chartering and now ownership she has changed from being wary about anchoring and always wanting to find a mooring buoy to wanting to always anchor because mooring buoys are "too much faffing about". It suits me either way so I have just gone with the flow!
She is always the first to suggest we get the sails up on leaving an anchorage, primarily because she doesn't like the engine noise I think, but once again, the end result suits me so go with it. Conversely, as we approach our destination, she is always the first to suggest dropping the sails as she doesn't want any last minute panic. I would probably hold on for another half mile or so but it's no big deal and as time goes by I notice that we are getting closer and closer to that little bay before she asks the question.

Richard
 
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