Friday smile

[nordic_ranger]

The teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date with this see-through blouse on and no bra. Her grandmother just has a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that.

The teenager tells her "Loosen up Grams. These are modern times.
You gotta let your rosebuds show!" and out she goes.

The next day the teenager comes downstairs, and the grandmother is sitting there with no top on. The teenager wants to die.

She explains to her grandmother that she has friends coming over and that it is just not appropriate.

"Loosen up, sweetie. If you can show off your rosebuds, then I can display my hanging baskets."


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[Beagle]

Wives.....

My wife dresses to kill. She also cooks the same way.
*******************************************************
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
*******************************************************
I bought my wife a new car. She called and said,
"There was Water in the carburetor." I asked her ,
"Where's the car?"
She replied, "In the lake."
*******************************************************
The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
*******************************************************
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep
her.
*******************************************************
I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.
*******************************************************
Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You
order what you want, then when you see what the
other fellow has, You wish you had ordered that.
*******************************************************
Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.


<hr width=100% size=1>Climate is what you expect, weather is what you get

 

[Beagle]

Suicidal Penguin !

<hr width=100% size=1>Climate is what you expect, weather is what you get

 

[ubuysa]

Re: Suicidal Penguin !

Why don't Polar Bears eat Penguins. Yeah...'cause they cant get the wrappers off....../forums/images/icons/crazy.gif

Tony C.

<hr width=100% size=1>There are 10 kinds of people, those who understand binary and those who don't.

 

[Goodge]

Try this ..

http://worldzonepro.com/webdude/kozo.html

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[Goodge]

The Internal Revenue Service sends an auditor to a synagogue.

The auditor is doing all the checks and then turns to the Rabbi,"and
says, "I noticed that you buy a lot of candles."

"Yes," answered the Rabbi.

"Well, Rabbi, what do you do with the candle drippings?" he asked.

"A good question," noted the Rabbi. "We actually save them up and when

we have enough, we send them back to the candle maker and every now and
then, they send us a free box of candles."

"Oh," replied the auditor somewhat disappointed that his unusual
question actually had a practical answer.

"Rabbi, what about all these matzo purchases? What do you do with the
crumbs from the matzo?"

"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi calmly, "we actually collect up all the
crumbs from the matzo and when we have enough, we send them in a box
back to the manufacturer and every now and then, they send a box of
matzo balls."

"Oh," replied the auditor, thinking hard how to fluster the Rabbi.

"Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the foreskins from
the circumcisions?"

"Yes, here too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. What we do is save
up all the foreskins, and when we have enough we actually send them to
the Internal Revenue Service"

"Internal Revenue?!," questioned the auditor in disbelief.

"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, "Internal Revenue ... and about once a
year, they send us a little dick like you."


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[Goodge]

Sean Connery gets a call from his agent one day.

The agent says, "Sean, I've got you a job, starts tomorrow, early. You'll have to be there for 10-ish".

Sean furrows his brow and says, "Tennish? But I don't even have a
racket."

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[Fill]

The doctor, who had been seeing an 80-year-old woman for
most of her life, finally retired.

At her next checkup, the new doctor told her to bring a list of all
the medicines that had been prescribed for her.

As the young doctor was looking through these, his eyes grew
wide as he realized she has a prescription for birth control pills.

"Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are BIRTH CONTROL pills?!?"

"Yes, they help me sleep at night."

"Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely NOTHING in these that
could possibly help you sleep!"

She reached out and patted the young Doctor's knee.
"Yes, dear, I know that. But every morning, I grind one up and mix
it in the glass
of orange juice that my 16 year old granddaughter drinks...

And believe me, it helps me sleep at night!"


<hr width=100% size=1>Never ascribe to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity.

 

[Goodge]

Hi guys,

Thought you might be interested in my latest news.

I phoned up a really gorgeous ex-girlfriend of mine the other day.
We lost track of time, chatting about the wild nights we used to enjoy together.

I couldn't BELIEVE it when she asked if I'd like to meet up and maybe
rekindle a little of that magic.

"Wow!" I said "I don't know if I could keep pace with you now! I'm a
bit older and a bit balder than when you last saw me!"

She giggled and said she was sure I'd meet the challenge!

"Yeah," I said, "Just so long as you don't mind a man with a waistband
that's a few inches wider these days!"

She laughed and told me to stop being so silly! She teased me, saying
she thought tubby bald men were cute!

"Anyway", she said, "I've put on a couple of pounds myself!"

So I hung up.


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[AndrewB]

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[LittleShip]

Re: Getting Old ?

An elderly gentleman feared his wife was getting hard of hearing. So one day he called her doctor to make an appointment to have her hearing checked.

The Doctor made an appointment for a hearing test in two weeks, and meanwhile there's a simple informal test the husband could do to give the doctor some idea of the state of her problem.

'Here's what you do," said the doctor, "start out about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you.

If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."

That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he's in the living room. He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens." Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for supper?"

No response.

So the husband moved to the other end of the room, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, "Honey, what's for supper?" Still no response.

Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, "Honey,what's for supper?"

Again he gets no response so he walks up to the kitchen door, only 10 feet away. "Honey, what's for supper?"

Again there is no response, so he walks right up behind her.

"Honey, what's for supper?"


"For the fourth time, I said CHICKEN!"



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[Sybarite]

Re: Suicidal Penguin !

Actually they are poles apart....

John

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[drawp]

Men v Women

WOMAN'S DIARY:

Sunday 13th June 2004.

Saw him in the evening and he was acting really strangely. I went shopping in the afternoon with the girls and I did turn up a bit late so thought it might be that.

The bar was really crowded and loud so I suggested we go somewhere quieter to talk. He was still very subdued and distracted so I suggested we go somewhere nice to eat.

All through dinner he just didn't seem himself; he hardly laughed and didn't seem to be paying any attention to me or to what I was saying. I just knew that something was wrong.

He dropped me back home and I wondered if he was going to come in; he hesitated, but followed. I asked him again if there was something the matter but he just half shook his head and turned the television on.

After about 10 minutes of silence, I said I was going upstairs to bed. I put my arms around him and told him that I loved him deeply. He just gave a sigh and a sad sort of smile. He didn't follow me up but later he did and I was surprised when we made love. He still seemed distant and a bit cold and I started to think that he was going to leave me and that he had found someone else.

I cried myself to sleep.

------------------------------------------------------------

MAN'S DIARY:

Sunday 13th June 2004.

England lost to France. Gutted. Got a shag though.


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[janeK]

PRICELESS!

While I was driving down the M1 the other day, (going a little faster than I should have been) I passed under a bridge only to see a policeman on the other side with a radar gun laying in wait.
The policeman pulled me over, walked up to the car, and with that classic patronising smirk, asked:” Runway too short?"
To which I replied, "I'm late for work."
To which he asked, "What do you do?"
"I'm a rectum stretcher," I responded.
The policeman was surprised and confused. "A what - a rectum stretcher?? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"
"Well," I said, "I start by inserting one finger, then I work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in, work side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch the hole, until it's about 6 feet."
Then the policeman asked questioningly and cautiously, "And just what do you do with a six-foot arsehole?"
To which I politely replied, "You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..."

Speeding ticket: £105.00
Court costs: £45

Look on policeman's face: Priceless..


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All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
JaneK

 

[VicS]

This was posted only a week or two ago. If it wasn't here it was on the jokes page of another forum which we are not allowed to mention.

<hr width=100% size=1><font color=purple>Ne te confundant illegitimi.</font color=purple>

 

[janeK]

Sorry didn't know it was sent to me from Greece!!!!
Just made me chuckle so thought I'd share it... oh well there you go.............

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All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
JaneK