Roy
New member
WHETHER OR NOT YOU ARE READY TO HAVE KIDS:
BOAT ADMIRATION TEST
Stand on the pontoon and gaze lovingly at the gleaming, scratch free hull, held securely with nice new ropes. Imagine if you will,... could a child swing from that, jump off this?? What effect would sand inside my fuel tank really have?? Serious questions these.
MESS TEST
Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Place a fish stick behind
the couch and leave it there all summer.
TOY TEST
Obtain a 55 gallon box of Legos (or you may substitute roofing tacks).
Have a friend spread them all over the house and inside of new Rinker. Put on a blindfold. Try to
walk to the bathroom or kitchen.
Do not scream because this would wake a child at night.
GROCERY STORE TEST
Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you
as you shop. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or
damage.
DRESSING TEST
Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag
making sure that all the arms stay inside.
FEEDING TEST
Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water.
Suspend from the ceiling with a cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to
insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal into the mouth of the jug, while
pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor.
NIGHT TEST
Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8-12 pounds of
sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 3:00p.m. begin to waltz and sing to the bag until 9:00p.m. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for
10:00p.m. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard.
Make up about a dozen more and sing these too until 4:00a.m.
Set alarm for 5:00a.m. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years.
Look cheerful.
INGENUITY TEST
Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and pot of paint, turn it
into an alligator. Now take a toilet paper tube and turn it into an
attractive Christmas candle. Use only scotch tape and a piece of foil.
Last, take a milk carton, a ping-pong ball, and an empty box of Cocoa Puffs.
Make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower.
AUTOMOBILE TEST
Forget the BMW and buy a station wagon. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone
and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there. Get a 50 pence piece. Stick it into
the CD player. Take a family size package of chocolate chip cookies.
Mash them into the back seat. Run a garden rake along both sides of the
car and whip the naughty boat with the boat hooky thingy..
There, perfect.
PHYSICAL TEST (Women)
Obtain a large bean bag chair and attach it to the front of your
clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove 10 of the beans.
And try not to notice your closet full of clothes. You won't be
wearing them for awhile.
PHYSICAL TEST (Men)
Go to the nearest chemists. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the
man to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the
head office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to the
store. Purchase a newspaper and MBM. Go home and read quietly for the last time.
FINAL ASSIGNMENT
Find a couple who already have a small child. Lecture them on how they
can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training and child's
table manners. Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasize to them that
they should never allow their children to run wild. Enjoy this experience.
It will be the last time you will have all the answers.
/forums/images/graemlins/wink.gif
BOAT ADMIRATION TEST
Stand on the pontoon and gaze lovingly at the gleaming, scratch free hull, held securely with nice new ropes. Imagine if you will,... could a child swing from that, jump off this?? What effect would sand inside my fuel tank really have?? Serious questions these.
MESS TEST
Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Place a fish stick behind
the couch and leave it there all summer.
TOY TEST
Obtain a 55 gallon box of Legos (or you may substitute roofing tacks).
Have a friend spread them all over the house and inside of new Rinker. Put on a blindfold. Try to
walk to the bathroom or kitchen.
Do not scream because this would wake a child at night.
GROCERY STORE TEST
Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you
as you shop. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or
damage.
DRESSING TEST
Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag
making sure that all the arms stay inside.
FEEDING TEST
Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water.
Suspend from the ceiling with a cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to
insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal into the mouth of the jug, while
pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor.
NIGHT TEST
Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8-12 pounds of
sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 3:00p.m. begin to waltz and sing to the bag until 9:00p.m. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for
10:00p.m. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard.
Make up about a dozen more and sing these too until 4:00a.m.
Set alarm for 5:00a.m. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years.
Look cheerful.
INGENUITY TEST
Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and pot of paint, turn it
into an alligator. Now take a toilet paper tube and turn it into an
attractive Christmas candle. Use only scotch tape and a piece of foil.
Last, take a milk carton, a ping-pong ball, and an empty box of Cocoa Puffs.
Make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower.
AUTOMOBILE TEST
Forget the BMW and buy a station wagon. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone
and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there. Get a 50 pence piece. Stick it into
the CD player. Take a family size package of chocolate chip cookies.
Mash them into the back seat. Run a garden rake along both sides of the
car and whip the naughty boat with the boat hooky thingy..
There, perfect.
PHYSICAL TEST (Women)
Obtain a large bean bag chair and attach it to the front of your
clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove 10 of the beans.
And try not to notice your closet full of clothes. You won't be
wearing them for awhile.
PHYSICAL TEST (Men)
Go to the nearest chemists. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the
man to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the
head office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to the
store. Purchase a newspaper and MBM. Go home and read quietly for the last time.
FINAL ASSIGNMENT
Find a couple who already have a small child. Lecture them on how they
can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training and child's
table manners. Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasize to them that
they should never allow their children to run wild. Enjoy this experience.
It will be the last time you will have all the answers.
/forums/images/graemlins/wink.gif
