Wednesday Humour

[BarryD]

These are entries to a competition asking for a rhyme with the most Romantic first line but least romantic second line:

Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss
but I only slept with you because I was pissed

I thought that I could love no other
Until, that is, I met your brother.

Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.

Of loving beauty you float with grace
If only you could hide your face

Kind, intelligent, loving and hot
This describes everything you are not

I want to feel your sweet embrace
But don't take that paper bag off of your face

I love your smile, your face, and your eyes
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you screwed up my life

I see your face when I am dreaming
That's why I always wake up screaming

My love you take my breath away
What have you stepped in to smell this way

My feelings for you no words can tell
Except for maybe "go to hell"

What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime


<hr width=100% size=1>Game over...

 

[Divemaster1]

Life is like this....

In romance, only one rule applies ; “Make the lady happy !” If you do anything she dislikes, you’ll get negative points. Do something she expects and no points are awarded

Simple duties:

You make the bed.
+1
You make the bed, but forget the decorative pillows.
0
You just throw the cover on top of the bedding.
-1
You forget to put the toilet seat down.
-5
You change the loo roll when needed.
0
You start using Kleenex when the loo roll is empty.
-1
When the Kleenex is empty, you use the other toilet.
-2
You go out to buy super-ultra whatsemicallits with wings for her.
+5
and it’s snowing.
+8
Return with beer.
-5
You check a strange noise during the night.
0
You check a strange noise during the night and it turns out to be nothing.
0
You check a strange noise during the night and it is “something”.
+5
You shoot it !.
+10
It’s her pet.
-20

Social duties:
You stay by her side throughout the party.
0
You stay by her side at the party for a while, but then wander off to speak with a old pal.
-2
Named Anita.
-4
Anita dances.
-6
Anita has silicone implants.
-8

Her birthday:
You take her out for a meal.
0
You take her out for a meal and it’s not a sports bar.
+1
Ok, it is a sports bar.
-2
And it is “eat as much as you want”.
-3
It is a sports bar, it is “eat as much as you want” and you have painted your face in your favourite teams colours.
-10

When out with your friends:

You're out with a pal.
-5
Your pal is happily married.
-4
Your pal is un-married.
-7
and drives a convertible.
-10

When out with her:
You take her to the movies
+2
You take her to the movies to watch a film she likes.
+4
You take her to the movies to watch a film you hate.
+6
You take her to the movies to watch a film you like.
-2
named "Killer Robots 3".
-3
about cyborgs killing humans.
-9
You lied and told her it was a European film about orphan children.
-15

Your body:
You are starting to bet a beer gut.
-15
You are starting to bet a beer gut and exercise to reduce it.
+10
You are starting to bet a beer gut and start tow wear loose jeans and large flowery shirts to hide it.
-30
You say “that does not matter, you’ve got one as well”
-800

The large question:

She asks you if she looks fat

You hesitate.
-10
You ask “where?”
-35
Any other reply
-20

Communication:

When she wishes to talk about something:

You listen attentively.
0
You listen attentively for more than 30 minutes.
+5
You listen attentively for more than 30 minutes, without watching TV.
+100
She realises it is because you have fallen asleep.
-200

Calculation:

- Positive points neutralises negative points. However, a positive balance will disappear.
- Positive points have a maximum life span of two weeks.
- Negative points lasts forever.

- A positive balance of 100 points is required for sex.
- A negative balance of 1000 points gives a very expensive divorce.


<hr width=100% size=1>Alf