Wednesday Blues

[lyc]

A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one
day. The Russian said, "We were the first in space! " The
American said, "We were the first on the moon! " The Blonde said,
"So what, we're going to be the first on the sun! " The Russian and the
American looked at each other and shook their heads. "You can't land

on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up! " said the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you
know. We're going at night! "

 

[KevB]

A man must choose between 3 women as to who will be his bride.

To help him decide he gives them each £1000 to see how they will spend his money.

The first spends £900 on clothes and puts £100 in the bank.

The second spends £500 on clothes and puts £500 in the bank.

The third spends £100 on clothes and puts £900 in the bank.

Which one does he marry?

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The one with the big tits!

 

[paulineb]

That's not even remotely funny ;-)

Pxx

 

[BarryD]

Yes it is. NM

<G>

Havoc, fire, confusion, and mis-trust, yes my work here is done...

Barry D

 

[billskip]

guy goes into pub laughing

barman..wot u larfin at?

guy..blond outside locked out of car and trying to get in with wire coathanger

barman..you shuddnt larf you should elp!

guy..shes got help..another blond in car saying ..left a bit up a bit...

Bill
www.aegeansailing.co.uk

 

[DepSol]

Re: Yes it is. NM

Yes it WAS, it is so old now that it is even on Birthday cards.

Dom

 

[lyc]

Q: Why can't men get Mad Cow Disease?

















A: Because it only attacks the brain

 

[BarryD]

Age shall not wither timeless humour.

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.
Get it out with Optrex.

Quick polish that joke with Soltron, it will be like new. <G>

Havoc, fire, confusion, and mis-trust, yes my work here is done...

Barry D

 

[KevB]

Re: Yes it is. NM

Must confess - I saw it on a birthday card.

 

[KevB]

Three blokes, an Englishman, an Irishman and Scotsman go into a pub.
They all suffer from a severe stutter.

"What's it to be?", asks the stunningly beautiful landlady.

"Th th th th th th three pi pi pi pi pi..................", says the
Englishman.

Up steps the Irishman, "Th th th th th th th three pi pi pi pi pi pints of
of of of gui gui gui gui......
Up steps the Scotsman. "Th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th
th.............."

"Oh bugger this," says the beautiful landlady and walks away to serve
someone else.

She returns ten minutes later and asks if they are ready to order yet.

"Th th th th th th three pi pi pi pi pi", says the Englishman.

"Th th th th th th th three pi pi pi pi pi pints of of of of gui gui gui
gui", says the Irishman.

"Th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th",says the Scotsman.

"Look," says the beautiful landlady, who loves a bet and was quietly
confident that no one would win. "If any one of you can tell me where you
live without stuttering, I'll let you shag me".

"So," she says turning to the Englishman, "where do you live?"

"M M M M M M M Man Man Man Man Manch Manch Manch."

"No, you lose," says the beautiful landlady.

Turning to the Scotsman, "Where do you live?" she asks. "E E E E E Ed Ed
Edin Edin Edin Edin Edin Edin Edin."

"No, you lose," says the beautiful landlady.

And where do you live?" she asks the Irishman.

"London," says the Irishman.

"Oh bugger, "says the beautiful landlady.

A great cheer goes up in the pub and the beautiful landlady reluctantly
takes him by the hand and leads him upstairs. Once in the bedroom she
strips
to her underwear, she takes off her bra exposing a voluptous bosom.

She takes off her panties then climbs into bed.

The Irishman climbs in and goes for glory, and then,right at the climaxing
stroke he suddenly screams out

"...............- D D D D D D D D Derry!!"

 

[claymore]

See how I'm not getting involved here Pauline?
x

 

[KevB]

\"Assicons\"

means a smile and
is a frown. Well, how about some "assicons"? Here goes:

(_!_) a regular ass

(__!__) a fat ass

(!) a tight ass

(_*_) a sore ass

{_!_} a swishy ass

(_o_) an ass that's been around

(_x_) kiss my ass

(_X_) leave my ass alone

(_zzz_) a tired ass

(_E=mc2_) a smart ass

(_$_) Money coming out of his ass

(_?_) Dumb Ass

 

[toobaz]

These are from a book called Disorder in the Court. These are things people
actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by
court reporters.

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
=====================================================
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
=====================================================
Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've
forgotten?
=====================================================
Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
=====================================================
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that
morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Linda.
======================================================
Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the
occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.
========================================================
Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he
doesn't
know about it until the next morning?
=========================================================
Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?
=========================================================
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
=========================================================
Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
=========================================================
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
==========================================================
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
==========================================================
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?
===========================================================
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice
which
I sent to your lawyer?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
============================================================
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
=============================================================
Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.
==============================================================
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
================================================================
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
================================================================
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the
autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law
somewhere.

 

[lyc]

Re: \"Assicons\"

Commonwealth Games

As you may know, Manchester will be hosting the Commonwealth Games in July
this year. You may not be aware that many of the famous events which go to
make up this feast of sporting excellence have been especially adapted to be
more in keeping with Manchester's rich cultural heritage and quaint local
customs.

OPENING CEREMONY
The flame will be ignited by a petrol bomb thrown by a native of the city, in
the traditional costume of balaclava and shell suit. The flame will be
contained in a large overturned police van situated on the roof of the
stadium.

THE EVENTS
In previous Commonwealth Games, Manchester's competitors have not been
particularly successful. In order to redress the balance, some of the events
have been altered slightly, to the advantage of local athletes.
100 Metres Sprint
Competitors will have to hold a video recorder and microwave oven (one under
each arm) and, on the sound of the starting pistol, a police dog will be
released from a cage 10 yards behind the athletes.

110 Metres Hurdles
As above, but with added obstacles (i.e. car bonnets, hedges, garden fences,
walls etc).

Hammer
Competitors in this even may choose the type of hammer they wish to use
(claw, sledge, etc). The winner will be the one who can cause the most
physical damage within three attempts.

Fencing
Entrants will be asked to dispose of as many stolen goods as possible in 5
minutes.

Shooting
A strong challenge is expected from local men in this event. The first target
will be a moving police van. In the second round, competitors will aim at a
post office clerk or bank teller, or a Securicor-style wages deliveryman. The
traditional .22 rifle has been replaced in this event by a choice of either a
Browning automatic handgun or sawn-off 12-bore shotgun.

Boxing
Entry to the boxing will be restricted to husband and wife teams and will
take place on a Friday night. The husband will be given 15 pints of lager
while the wife will be told not to make him any tea when he gets home. The
bout will then commence.

Cycling Time Trials
Competitors will be asked to break into the University bike shed and take an
expensive mountain bike owned by some mummy's boy on his first trip away from
home. Against the clock.

Cycling Pursuit
As above, but the bike will be owned by a visiting member of the Australian
rugby team who has witnessed the theft.

Modern Pentathlon
Amended to include mugging, breaking and entering, flashing, joyriding and
arson.

Swimming Events
All waterways are currently being tested for toxicity levels. Once a stretch
of water is found which can support human life, swimming events will be
organised. Please note that the Synchronised Swimming event for this year
will consist of dropping acid and watching all the funky ripples on the pool.
The specific musical support for this event will be provided by "The Verve".

The Marathon
A safe route has yet to be found.

Men's 50km Walk
Unfortunately, this will have to be cancelled. Greater Manchester Police will
not guarantee the safety of anyone walking the streets of
Manchester,especially anyone who appears to be mincing........

THE CLOSING CEREMONY
Entertainment will include formation rave dancing by members of the Salford
Health in the Community anti-drug campaigners, synchronised rock throwing,
and music by the combined choirs of Man United and Man City supporters Clubs.
The flame will be extinguished by police water cannon following the
traditional hurling of missiles from the stands and pitch invasion in
accordance with local custom. Another custom practiced by local athletes that
of breaking into empty premises and removing all copper piping and the
central heating boiler - will not form part of the closing ceremony and
boarding up of the stadium will commence immediately the music has died down.

Late News

Apparently, Liverpool were set to put in a bid very similar to the above, but
with the Pentathlon modified to include: killing a spouse, digging a hole,
burying the body, laying a patio, and the strangely named "Calm Down"
contest.

To guarantee the entry of any Mancunian athletes at all, drugs testing has
been waived this year.

 

[paulineb]

I'm so impressed with your restraint. You're a bigger man in my eyes now JS

Pxx

 

[claymore]

Gawrsh

It's just that I don't know any sexist stuff.. just not that kind of guy really babe.

 

[paulineb]

Re: Gawrsh

Isn't babe a pig ?

Pxx

 

[claymore]

OOps

Clang.

 

[BarryD]

TEACHER: Why are you late?
WEBSTER: Because of the sign.
TEACHER: What sign?
WEBSTER: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

TEACHER: Cindy, why are you doing your math sums on the floor?
CINDY: You told me to do it without using tables!

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

TEACHER: John, how do you spell "crocodile"?
JOHN: K-R-O-K-O-D-A-I-L"
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
JOHN: Maybe it's wrong, but you ask me how I spell it!

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

TEACHER: What is the chemical formula for water?
SARAH: "HIJKLMNO"!!
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
SARAH: Yesterday you said it's H to O!

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

TEACHER: Willy, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WILLY: Me!

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

TEACHER: Tommy, why do you always get so dirty?
TOMMY: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground then you are.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

SILVIA: Dad, can you write in the dark?
FATHER: I think so. What do you want me to write?
SYLVIA: Your name on this report card.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

TEACHER: How can you prevent diseases caused by biting insects?
JOSE: Don't bite any.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

TEACHER: Ellen, give me a sentence starting with "I".
ELLEN: I is...
TEACHER: No, Ellen. Always say, "I am."
ELLEN: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

Son : Daddy, have you ever been to Egypt?
Father : No. Why do you ask that?
Son : Well, where did you get THIS mummy then?

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

Teacher: Now, Sam, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?
Sam : No sir, I don't have to, my mom is a good cook.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

Teacher: Desmond, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did u copy his?
Desmond: No, teacher, it's the same dog!

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

Teacher: What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
Pupil : A teacher.

Havoc, fire, confusion, and mis-trust, yes my work here is done...

Barry D

 

[coliholic]

The Photographer

The Smiths were unable to conceive children, and elected to use surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

"Good morning madam. I've come to..."

“Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you,” Mrs. Smith cut in.

“Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I’ve made a specialty of babies." "That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat."

After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"

"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; > you can really spread out!"

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn’t work for Harry and me."

“Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.

"My, that's a lot of. . . " gasped Mrs. Smith.

"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you’d be disappointed with that, I'm sure."

"Don't I know it," Mrs. Smith said quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London."

"Oh my God!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."

"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.

"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look."

"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.

"Yes", the photographer said. "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your, um...equipment?"

"That's right. Well, madam, if you're ready, I’ll set up my tripod so that we can get to work."

“Tripod?"

"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold very long. Madam?

“ Madam?...Good Lord, she's fainted!"



xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx


A couple were invited to a swanky family masked fancy dress Halloween party. The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need for his good time to be spoiled by not going.

So he took his costume and away he went.

The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened without pain, and, as it was still early, decided to go to the party. In as much as her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.

So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could and copping little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived. She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband. After some more to drink he finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a quickie in the back seat. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make up for his outrageous behaviour.

She was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what kind of time he had. He said, "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there." Then she asked, "Did you dance much?" He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the spare room and played poker all evening." Then she said with unashamed sarcasm, "you must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing poker all night!"

And the husband returned "actually I gave my costume to your Dad, apparently he had a whale of a time"