tee hee

[paulineb]

Count Dracula is on the pull in Glasgow. He spends the night drinking Bloody Mary's in various clubs and biting on unsuspecting women's necks.

He is heading for home, wandering along Argyle street sometime before sunrise.

Suddenly he is hit on the back of the head.

He looks round and sees nothing. He looks down and sees a small sausage
roll. Mmmm, he thinks. What's going on here. A few yards further on and ...

BANG.

Smacked on the back of the head again! He whirls round as quick as he can, nothing. Again he looks down and there is a small triangular sandwich lying on the ground. How odd!! A few yards further along the street and ....

CRASH.

Smacked on the back of the head again!! He whirls round as quick as he can, nothing. He's getting really angry now. Again he looks down and there is a cocktail sausage lying on the ground.

He stands and peers into the darkness of the night. Nothing.

He walks a few yards further on when he gets a tap on the shoulder. With a swirl of his cape and a cloud of mist he turns as fast as he can. He feels a sharp pain in his heart. He falls to the ground clutching his chest, which is punctured by a small cocktail stick laden with a chunk of cheese and pineapple.

On the ground dying, he looks up and sees a young female. With his dying
breath he gasps, who the f**k are you?

She replies my name is ...........

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It's worth it!
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> Buffet, the vampire slayer.

Pxx

 

[kimhollamby]

Pauline B is taking part in a boat handling competition.

At the first exercise, a fairly straightforward stern-to mooring between two insurance write-offs (pending), she is lining her boat up perfectly when she gets hit across the back of her legs by a lump of smoked salmon and jar of dill sauce. A bit surprised by this incident, she gets it horribly wrong and the boat winds up straddles across the transoms of the other two.

On exercise two, an unfortunate one for MrB as it involves throwing him over the side and recovering him again, Pauline has regained her poise and throttle hand and is just about to slide alongside her wailing husband with great precision when a cold chicken drumstick and assorted shrapnel of salad plasters itself all around the back of her neck. Thoroughly confused, she forgets MrB and throws the judge in the water.

By the time she gets to exercise three, seeing how many slaloms she can perform alongside the length of Leopard, Pauline's left eye is beginning to twitch and the judge doesn't look too well either but everything is going okay...until a whole apple pie and half a pint of cream hit her full in the face. It's amazing what Pauline B's boat can do to a brand new superyacht when it hits broadside at 8 knots.

Sometime afterward, Pauline had to face the inevitable press questions from the thronging paparazzi (well, Tom Isitt actually).

"So why didn't you win?" Tom asked.

And Pauline replied
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"Well, I was severely hampered"

Associate Publisher ybw.com websites kim_hollamby@ipcmedia.com

 

[paulineb]

You just had to go one better ....

... and make it personal. Made me giggle though ;-)

Pxx

 

[claymore]

your new frock

Is food for thought

 

[paulineb]

Re: your new frock

Do you like it? I wore it at the Brits last night - makes me look virginal I think

Pxx

 

[KevB]

Groan <NM>

.

 

[paulineb]

Re: Groan

Is that the sound of the rope round your prop Kev ?

Pxx

 

[BarryD]

Re: Groan

Nope, it's the sound of Kev thinking of the cost of retro fit rope cutters on his shiney new shafts.

Havoc, fire, confusion, and mis-trust, yes my work here is done...

Barry D

 

[KevB]

Re: Groan

It's all gone now. Stayed on the boat last night and removed the props this morning.
Turned out to be what's left of a discarded fishing net and not rope as I first thought.

 

[lyc]

A blonde had just totalled her car in a horrific accident. Miraculously,
she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was
applying fresh lipstick when the state trooper arrived.
"My God!" the trooper gasped. "Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you OK ma'am?" "Yes, officer, I'm just fine" the blonde chirped. "Well, how in the world did this happen?" the officer asked as
he surveyed the wrecked car.
"Officer, it was the strangest thing!" the blonde began. "I was driving along this road when from out of nowhere this TREE pops up in front of me.
So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree! I swerved to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ...." "Uh, ma'am," the officer said, cutting her off, "There isn't a tree on this road for 30 miles. That was your air freshener swinging back and forth."

 

[tcm]

Re: another tee hee

An old man visits the doctor to hear the results of a thorough medical check-up.

"Bad news, and more bad news" says the doc.

"Give the worst news first" says the old man.

"The very bads news is that you have mailgnant cancer, very advanced, and I'm afraid that you only have six months to live" says the doctor.

"And the other news? "

"The other results show that you have Alzheimers disease" says the doctor

"Ahj well, it could be worse" says the old man "It could be cancer!"

 

[Steve_D]

Re: your new frock

No your alright, I looked and You can't see your Va...... oh sorry misunderstood!!!!

Steve D

 

[oldgit]

Re: Oi how day you!!!

Take the name of the holy B....y in vain ,who`s name cannot be said aloud .I shall now go and kneel in frony of my B....y calender and pray you are forgiven.And as for the poxy winter olimpics being on in the sacred half hour on thursdays.Well there is always my secret video tape collection.

 

[ArthurWood]

Re: Docking

Straddled across the transoms? Strange arrangement in that marina What a pedant I am!

 

[ccscott49]

I agree, tee hee!