Still bored.......

[BarryH]

.......so heres another one for ya, mad eme chuckle anyway,

A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street and a masked robber ran out of a bank and shot her three times in the stomach. Luckily the babies were OK. The surgeon decided to leave the bullets in because it
was too risky to operate. She gave birth to two healthy daughters and a healthy son.

All was fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walked into the room in tears. "What's wrong?" asked the mother. "I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out" replied the daughter.The mother told her it was okay and explained what happened 16 years ago. About a week later the second daughter walked into the room in tears."Mom, I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out." Again the mother told her not to worry and explained what happened 16 years ago.
A week later her son walked into the room in tears. "It's okay" said the! Mom, "I know what happened....you were taking a tinkle and a bullet came out."
"No," said the boy, "I was playing with myself and I shot the dog..."

 

[BrendanS]

Beer Scooter...

How many times have you woken up in the morning after a hard night drinking
and thought 'How on earth did I get home?' As hard as you try, you cannot
piece together your return journey from the bar to your house.

The answer to this puzzle is that you used a Beer Scooter. The Beer Scooter
is a mythical form of transport, owned and leased to the drunk by Bacchus
the Roman God of Wine. Bacchus has acquired a large batch of these magical
devices.

The Beer Scooter works in the following fashion: The passenger reaches a
certain level of drunkenness and the "slurring gland" begins to give off
pheromones. Bacchus or one of his many sub-contractors detects this
pheromone and sends down a winged Beer Scooter. The scooter scoops up the
passenger and deposits them in their bedroom via a Trans-Dimensional Portal
(TDP). This is not cheap to run, so a large portion of the passenger's
in-pocket cash is taken as payment. This answers the second question after a
night out 'How did I spend so much money?'

Unfortunately, Beer Scooters have a poor safety record and are thought to be
responsible for over 90% of all UDI (Unidentified Drinking Injuries). An
undocumented feature of the beer scooter is the destruction of time segments
during the trip. The nature of TDP's dictates that time will be lost,
seemingly unaccounted for. This answers a third question after a night out
'What the hell happened?' With good intentions, Bacchus opted for the REMIT
(Removal of Embarrassing Moments In Time) add on, that automatically
removes, in descending order, those parts in time regretted most.
Unfortunately one person's REMIT is not necessarily the REMIT of another and
quite often lost time is regained in discussions over a period of time.

Independent studies have also shown that Beer Goggles often cause the
scooter's navigation system to malfunction thus sending the passenger to the
wrong bedroom, often with horrific consequences. With recent models
including a GPS (Global Positioning System), Bacchus made an investment in a
scooter drive thru chain specialising in half eaten kebabs and pizza crusts.
Another question answered!!

For the family man, Beer Scooters come equipped with flowers picked from
other people's garden and Thump-A-Lot boots (Patent Pending). These boots
are designed in such a way that no matter how quietly you tiptoe up the
stairs, you are sure to wake up your other half. Special anti-gravity
springs ensure that you bump into every wall in the house and the CTSGS
(Coffee Table Seeking Guidance System) explains the bruised shins. The final
add-on Bacchus saw fit to invest in for some scooters is the TAS (Tobacco
Absorption System). This explains how one person can apparently
get through 260 Marlboro Lights in a single night.

PS: Don't forget the on-board heater, which allows you to comfortably get
home from the bar in sub-zero temperatures, wearing just a T-shirt.

 

[BrendanS]

This will keep you occupied for a while. If you keep zooming in, can you find your own house?

"The World in Lights
Check the link below... The image is a
panoramic view of the world from the new space station. It is a night photo
with the lights clearly indicating the populated areas. You can scroll
East-West and North-South. Note that Canada's population is almost
exclusively along the U.S. border. Moving east to Europe, there is a high
population concentration along the Mediterranean Coast. It's easy to spot
London, Paris, Stockholm and Vienna. Check out the development of Israel
compared to the rest of the Arab countries.
Note the Nile River and the rest of the "Dark Continent". After the Nile,
the lights don't come on again until Johannesburg. Look at the Australian
Outback and the Trans-Siberian Rail Route. Moving east, the most striking
observation is the difference between North and South Korea. Note the
density of Japan."
<A target="_blank" HREF=http://antwrp.gsfc.nasa.gov/apod/image/0011/earthlights_dmsp_big.jpg>http://antwrp.gsfc.nasa.gov/apod/image/0011/earthlights_dmsp_big.jpg</A>

 

[whisper]

Thanks, this is interesting. Surprised at the amount of lights at far NE of Norway/NW of Russia. Could they be derelict nuclear subs - glowing ?