Possibly the worst Christmas Joke ever

[BlueSkyNick]

A Russian couple were walking down the street in Moscow one night, when the man felt a drop hit his nose.

"I think it's raining", he said to his wife.
"No, that felt more like snow to me", she replied.
"No, I'm sure it was just rain" he said.

Well, as these things go, they were about to have a major argument about whether it was raining or snowing. Just then they saw a Communist Party official walking toward them.

"Let's not fight about it", the man said, "Let's ask Comrade Rudolph whether it's officially raining or snowing".

As the official approached, the man said "Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, is it officially raining or snowing?"

"It's raining, of course", he replied, and walked on.

But the woman insisted: "I know that felt like snow!", to which the man quietly replied:





Rudolf the Red knows rain, dear !

<hr width=100% size=1>I would give my right arm to be ambidexterous

 

[SilverBreeze]

Twenty odd years ago the Soviets posted a new Ambassador to Ireland. Although I was in the news business at the time, I can't remember his name.

He was a gregarious and cheerful sort. He quickly realised that his American counterpart was a quiet and serious Republican Party appointee who was only interested in golf.

The Russian guy was pleased to learn that his presence at the opening of the Wexford Strawberry Fair, Limerick Arts Week, Punchestown Races and other events was earning him much more news coverage than the Yank.

He supported Dublin area charities and enrolled his two teenage sons in a local school, all the while garnering coverage in the Dublin papers. Come summer time, he decided to send the two boys to the slightly upmarket Howth Yacht Club to join the junior dinghy sailing programme. Good for keeping kids occupied.

The sailing writer W. M (Winkie) Nixon spotted this, interviewed the da and the two boys and wrote a piece for his column in the Irish Independent daily newspaper.

He also supplied the headline: "Red sons in the sail set."



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[ccscott49]

Yes I agree!


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[Twister_Ken]

Which reminds me of a tabloid headline...

...spotted, most appropriately. lining an animal's cage in the Children's Zoo at Whipsnade (no, it's not a zoo where children are kept behind bars, stop interrupting).

The gist of the story was that a soviet leader, I forget which, Kosygin, Brezhnev, that sort of era, had suffered from a serious stroke, but that the politburo had kept this secret from the wider world for a long time, despite the fact that said leader was incapable of doing up his flies, much less of running a superpower. Anyway the secret was now, years later, out. Which gave The Sun (I think it was) the opportunity to run the front page headline...

\/































RUSSIA RULED BY RED CABBAGE

<hr width=100% size=1><A target="_blank" HREF=http://www.writeforweb.com/twister1>Let's Twist Again</A>

 

[Captain_Chaos]

Re: Which reminds me

The Sun the day after Caledonian Thistle beat Celtic headlined


Super Calli go ballistic celtic are attrocious

<hr width=100% size=1>My drinking team has a sailing problem

 

[charles_reed]

Well The Germans

Had a chancellor called Cabbage - he's the one who presided over all the Ossis changing their currency at par, from which the German state has yet to recover.

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[Vid]

Re: Which reminds me

Headline in The Independent some years ago when the Welsh rugby appointed someone called Bridges instead of the expected rival:

Jones Overlooked as Wales Install Bridges



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[janeK]

A few days before Christmas, a man enters a pet store looking for a unique
gift for his wife. The store manager tells him he has just what he's looking
for! A beautiful parrot named Chet that sings Christmas carols.
He brings the husband over to a colourful but quiet bird. The man agrees that
Chet certainly is pretty, but he doesn't seem to be much for singing. The
manager tells him to watch as he reaches into his pocket and pulls out a
lighter. The manager then clicks the lighter and holds it under Chet's left
foot. Immediately Chet starts singing; "Silent Night, Holy Night."
The husband is very impressed with Chet's singing abilities and watches as
the manager moves the lighter underneath Chet's right foot. Chet now starts
to sing "Jingle Bells, Jingle All the Way." The husband says Chet is perfect
and that he'll take him.
The husband rushes home to his wife and insists upon giving her this
wonderful gift immediately. He presents Chet and starts to explain the
parrot's special talent.
Demonstrating, he holds a lighter under Chet's left foot and the bird sings
"Silent Night." He then moves the lighter under the right foot and Chet lets
loose a round of "Jingle Bells." The wife is absolutely impressed, and with a
mischievous grin asks her husband what happens if he holds the lighter
between Chet's legs instead. Curious the husband moves the lighter between
the bird's legs, and the bird begins to sing - Chet's nuts Roasting on an
Open Fire!



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[jhr]

Son of Possibly the worst Christmas Joke ever

Olf, an ageing teddy boy, gets on the 5.30 train from Waterloo with his mate. Being thirsty, he heads for the buffet car and installs himself at the bar.

"Good evening, sir" says the bar tender "and what may I get you to drink: something long and cooling, perhaps"? The bar tender is surprised to see Olf's mate making faces at him over Olf's shoulder, and shaking his head emphatically. However, because he serves drinks on the rail network, he is used to eccentricity amongst his customers, so he turns back to Olf.

"How about a nice glass of ale"? he asks.

Olf's reply is dramatic. Turning puce with rage, he shouts at the top of his voice "Listen, you dimwitted ****brain, don't you dare offer me that watered down bat's p*ss you cretin! What kind of an imbecile are you, anyway"?

Unnerved by this, the bar tender turns to Olf's mate and says "what did I do wrong"?

"I'm really sorry" the mate replies, "but he's just got this thing about the ales that are sold on the railway, you see:
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"...rude Olf, the Ted, loathes train beer".......

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[bedouin]

Re: Son of Possibly the worst Christmas Joke ever

I agree - that proves conclusively that BIGNICK's is NOT the worst Christmas joke ever

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[Twister_Ken]

Which reminds me

When Boeing first introduced the 707 on transatlantic flights, the first route was London- New York.

As all you sailory types will know, when crossing the Northern Atlantic, you follow a great circle route. Although it would be impractical in a Twister, the GCR from Heathrow to Idlewild (as JFK was known in those days) takes you over the lake district and lowland Scotland.

To PanAm's surprise, shortly after leaving the coast of Britain behind many of their passengers and even the cabin crew had to avail themselves of the barf bags, and the airline was uncertain exactly why. This was not just on the inaugural flight but the same thing happened every time they flew a 707 out of Heathrow for NY.

Eventually they called in experts, who found the remants of bird life around the cabin ventilation inlets. These unidentifiable parts were scraped off and sent to the Smithsonian for DNA analysis.

After several weeks (of continued sickness) the Smithsonian sent through its conclusion. "We have determined that the avian remains sent us are from the bird coturnix coturnix commonly known as the quail. Coturnix coturnix is a native of the English Lake District and the Scottish Lowlands. Apparently your aircraft, in flight, are ingesting coturnix coturnix into the air intakes when overflying those regions.

We conclude, therefore, that British Quail Makes The Boeing Queasy.

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[BlueSkyNick]

I\'m beginning to regret.....

. ...... the original post, now !

<hr width=100% size=1>I would give my right arm to be ambidexterous

 

[Gordonmc]

Re: Which reminds me

... of the biker who calls in at the doctor's surgery with a very odd flatulence problem. Each time he eases his buttocks to vent gas a curious noise is emitted.
"Very odd," says the doc. "It sounds just like the word 'Honda' but I will need a second opinion". So the biker heads off to see a bum consultant. A week later the consultant phones the original doctor with his diagnosis. "I examined your patient and found he is suffering from a bum abcess." "But how does that account for the very strange pump-noise?" asks the doctor.
"Simple, " says the consultant....









Abcess makes the fart go Honda

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[jimi]

Re: Which reminds me

Ceasar goes down to the marina to take his galley out for the day. Soon after they've cleared the lock he notices the skipper has a big white slave tied down and a couple of busty nymphettes are rolling this big brass gong up and down his chest. Thinking this was needless cruelty he yells " What the f#ck do you think your doing?"

Answer is







"We're just rolling a gong on the chest of a slave!"

<hr width=100% size=1>.. its life but not as we know it ..

 

[GeorgeP]

Not quite Christmas...

but at least it's biblical...

A Sunday school teacher asked her students to draw a picture
of their favourite Old Testament bible story. As she moved
around the class, she saw many wonderful drawings being
created.

Then she came to Little Johnny, who had drawn a man driving
an older car, a convertible with 60's style tail fins. In the back
seat were two passengers, both scantily dressed.
The teacher said, "It's a lovely picture, Johnny, but which bible
story does it tell?"

Little Johnny seemed surprised at the question and said,
"Well, doesn't it say in the BIBLE that God drove Adam
and Eve out of the Garden of Eden in a Fury?"

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