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[catmandoo]

The Battle of Trafalgar updated - Politically Correct
>> > Version
>> >
>> >
>> > Rings true....
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >> Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy."
>> >>
>> >> Hardy: "Aye, aye sir."
>> >>
>> >> Nelson: "Hold on, that's not what I dictated to the signal officer.
>> >> What's
>> > the meaning of this?"
>> >>
>> >> Hardy: "Sorry sir?"
>> >>
>> >> Nelson (reading aloud): "England expects every person to do his duty,
>> > regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion
or
>> >> disability". What gobbledygook is this?"
>> >>
>> >> Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal
>> >> opportunities
>> > employer now. We had the devil's own job getting 'England' past the
>> > censors, lest it be considered racist."
>> >>
>> >> Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."
>> >>
>> >> Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have been designated smoke-free
>> > working environments."
>> >>
>> >> Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the
>> >> main
>> > brace to steel the men before battle."
>> >>
>> >> Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. Its part of the
>> > Government's policy on binge drinking."
>> >>
>> >> Nelson: "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it.
>> >> Full
>> > speed ahead."
>> >>
>> >> Hardy: "I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this
>> > stretch of water."
>> >>
>> >> Nelson: "Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in
>> > history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's
>> > nest,
>> > please."
>> >>
>> >> Hardy: "That won't be possible, sir."
>> >>
>> >> Nelson: "What?"
>> >>
>> >> Hardy: "Health and safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No
>> >> harness.
>> > And they said that rope ladder doesn't meet regulations. They won't
let
>> > anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected."
>> >>
>> >> Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy."
>> >>
>> >> Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the fo'c'sle
>> > Admiral."
>> >>
>> >> Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."
>> >>
>> >> Hardy: "Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a
>> >> barrier-free
>> > environment for the differently abled."
>> >>
>> >> Nelson: "Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I
refuse
>> > even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral
>> > by playing the disability card."
>> >>
>> >> Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under-represented
in
>> >> the
>> > areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."
>> >>
>> >> Nelson: "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."
>> >>
>> >> Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't
>> >> let
>> > the crew up the rigging without crash helmets. And they don't want
>> > anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?"
>> >>
>> >> Nelson: "I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell
>> >> the
>> > men to stand by to engage the enemy."
>> >>
>> >> Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."
>> >>
>> >> Nelson: "What? This is mutiny."
>> >>
>> >> Hardy: "It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being
>> >> charged
>> > with murder if they actually kill anyone. There's a couple of legal
aid
>> > lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."
>> >>
>> >> Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"
>> >>
>> >> Hardy: "Actually, sir, we're not."
>> >>
>> >> Nelson: "We're not?"
>> >>
>> >> Hardy: "No, sir. The Frenchies and the Spanish are our European
>> >> partners
>> > now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in
>> > this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for
compensation."
>> >>
>> >> Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."
>> >>
>> >> Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity co-coordinator hear you
>> >> saying
>> > that sir. You'll be up on a disciplinary."
>> >>
>> >> Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy who speaks ill of your
>> > King."
>> >>
>> >> Hardy: "Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural
>> >> age.
>> > Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules."
>> >>
>> >> Nelson: "Don't tell me - health and safety. Whatever happened to rum,
>> > sodomy and the lash?"
>> >>
>> >> Hardy: "As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a ban
on
>> > corporal punishment."
>> >>
>> >> Nelson: "What about sodomy?">
>> >>
>> >> Hardy: "I believe it's to be encouraged, sir."
>> >>
>> >> Nelson: "In that case ...kiss me, Hardy."
>> >>
>> >>

 

[mirabriani]

19

 

[Shakey]

This Trafalgar sketch has been posted now, oooh, loads of times!

Thing is, it's funny but not funny, bit like reading a Dilbert cartoon. It's so close to the wind that it's hard to tell if it's just absurd comedy or a satire on real life.

Saw something in a paper the other day: Royal Marine instructors up for Court Martials on grounds of Eq Ops. Apparently the complainants said they were shouted at, swore at, dragged out of bed in the middle of the night and made to do physically demanding exercise beyond their capabilities.

I know the Pongoes have had trouble with Deepcut barracks and all that, but this is hardly in the same league. Did these people realise they had applied to join the Royal Marines or did they think they had joined the Salvation Army? When was the last time one of our enemies fought an Equal Opportunities war? Oooh, the nasty man shouted at me! Ahhh diddums! Nanny State will kiss it better!

I would love to know what went on in that frigate too, it seems to me that Cdr Axon was pre-judged and found guilty without trial.

He may not have been an angel, I'm sure the complainants were genuinely upset, but even so I'm sure it could have been better handled than some very public undermining of a CO's authority. Why not transfer the junior officers and give the CO a severe bollocking in private?

Oh well, the country's all going to hell in a handcart anyway.....

 

[catmandoo]

What I deplore is that all houses must by law have wheel chair access regardless of use . Had to incorporate wheel chair access in a refinery blast proof control room ignoring the fact that all operators had to go out periodically to take samples check instrument failures etc by climbing stairs , ladders etc . Ridiculous bureaucracy

 

[halcyon]

That's your next job, wheel chair access to them !!!!

When we designed our house I wanted a ramp round to the rear to enable wheel chair access, council insisted I put steps in. If I had put in planning/ building regs approval a couple of months later, they would have insisted on a ramp for wheel chair access !!!!!!!!!!!!!!. I fitted a ramp and never told them.

Brian

 

[catmandoo]

Yes but in an emergency one has to run fast . Recent fire and explosion in refinery in africa left two burnt men dangling by safety harnesses from low level scaffolding which rules decided they wear

 

[bob_tyler]

Ah! But how soon will you have to fit wheelchair access to a new boats? Then, of course it will be retrospectively applied when a boat is sold and subsequently no boat will be permitted to sail unless wheelchair access to the liferaft is fitted.

 

[mirabriani]

I frequently sail with a friend who's wife had a stroke.
They had to move boat to a floating pontoon.
When we sail to other areas we need to phone ahead to make the arrangements. He is invariably made welcome and accomodated alongside. By the time I catch up from a mooring he has usually been offered help and offloaded her.
She would agree that specialised facilities are rarely required and would probably add cost to all.

Merry Christmas Briani

 

[catmandoo]

I have no criticism about invalid cces as such however some frustrations with system . SWIMBO had to go to airport to pick up me returning from maintenance visit to boat . Airport parking sign said 7 spaces available . Unfortunately these were all disabled spaces .

Much swearing and knashing of teeth

 

[MarkV]

I should keep quiet about the ramp or you'll have an enforcement officer around telling you put in steps, then a couple of months later someone from planning will come round telling you that you your recent modifications do not comply with standards for wheelchair access and telling you to put in a ramp! /forums/images/graemlins/laugh.gif