Oh come on....4 of the best

[Bejasus]

#1

HENRI THE FRENCH FIGHTER PILOT WAS SITTING IN THE CAR WITH A WOMAN AND HE
SAID TO HER, “CAN I KISS YOU?” SHE SAID “OH PLEASE”

SO HE PROCEEDED TO POUR A BOTTLE OF WHITE WINE AND STARTED TO KISS
HER PASSIONATELY.

SHE SAID “OH HENRI, THAT WAS MAGNIFICENT, BUT WHY THE BOTTLE OF WHITE WINE?”

HENRI SAID,

“I AM HENRI, THE FAMOUS FRENCH FIGHTER PILOT AND I DO EVERYTHING IN STYLE.”

HE THEN ASKED HER IF HE COULD KISS HER BREASTS - SHE ANSWERED “OH OF COURSE MON CHER.”

HE THEN PROCEEDED TO POUR A BOTTLE OF RED WINE OVER HER BREASTS AND BEGAN TO KISS THEM PASSIONATELY.

SHE SAID “OH MY, HENRI THAT WAS INCREDIBLE BUT WHY THE BOTTLE OF RED WINE?”

HENRI SAID,

“I AM HENRI THE FAMOUS FRENCH FIGHTER PILOT AND I DO EVERYTHING IN STYLE”.

HE THEN ASKED HER IF HE COULD KISS HER LOWER - AND I MEAN LOWER.

SHE SAID “OH HENRI, BUT OF COURSE MY LITTLE FRENCH LOVER.”

SO HENRI PULLED OUT A BOTTLE OF BRANDY AND POURED IT ALL OVER HER NETHER
REGIONS, AND PROCEEDED TO SET LIGHT TO HER.

SHE SCREAMED “YOU BASTARD.... WHAT DID YOU DO THAT FOR....”

HENRI REPLIED,


“I AM HENRI, THE FAMOUS FRENCH FIGHTER PILOT AND WHEN I GO DOWN I GO DOWN IN FLAMES.....!!!”




"I am the master of my fate: I am the captain of my soul."..........I think????

 

[Bejasus]

#2...an oldie I know

This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.

While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house.
The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.
Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time.

He goes over and asks her if she is ok.
She replies yes.
He asks what she is doing.
She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the house.
He then asks her why she has a ski jacket over her fur coat.
She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and they said....



FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS.


"I am the master of my fate: I am the captain of my soul."..........I think????

 

[Bejasus]

#3

This guy walks into a bar and buys a bottle of vodka and sculls it down in front of the bartender.

The bartender says, "Mate, what's wrong, haven't seen anyone do that in a while".

The guy replies, "My oldest son just told me he was gay.

" The bartender replies, "that ain't good," just before the guy collapses on the
floor in front of him.

The next day the same guy comes back in and buys another bottle of vodka.

"The bartender says, "Mate, what's wrong this time?"

The guy goes, "My youngest son just told me he was gay."

Once again the bartender says "Mate, that’s shockin,"
Just like before the guy collapses on the floor again.

The guy walks again the next day and buys a bottle of vodka.

The bartender says "Mate, isn't there anyone in you're family that likes women?"


The guy goes, "Apparently my wife does."


"I am the master of my fate: I am the captain of my soul."..........I think????

 

[Bejasus]

#4

Three old black ladies were getting ready to take a plane across the ocean.
The first lady said, “I don’t know about y’all,
but I’m gonna wear me some hot pink underwear before I get on that plane.”

“Why you gonna wear dat?” the other two asked.
The first replied, “Because, if dat plane is gonna crash and
I’m out there laying butt-up in a corn field, dey gonna see my butt.”

The second lady says, “Well, I’m a-gonna wear me some fluorescent
orange underwear.”
“Why you gonna wear dat?” the others asked. The second lady
answered “Because if dis here plane is gonna crash and I’m floating butt-up in the ocean,
dey gonna see my butt”!!

The third old lady says, “Well, I’m not going to wear any underwear.”
“What? No underwear?!” the others said in disbelief.
“Dat’s right, you heard me. I’m not wearing any underwear,”
the third lady said, “because if dis plane crashes,
dey always look for dat black box first!!!


"I am the master of my fate: I am the captain of my soul."..........I think????

 

[Bejasus]

#5..Ok, so I lied. Shoot me!!

Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop. Right away they go over to the bird section.
Gerry says to Paddy, "Dat's dem."
The shop assistant comes over and asks if he can help them.
"Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere birds in dat cage op dere," says Gerry. "Put dem in a peeper bag. "
The clerk does and the two guys pay for the birds and leave the shop.
They get into Gerry's van and drive until they are high up in the hills and stop at the top of a cliff with a 500-foot drop.
"Dis looks loike a grand place, eh?" says Gerry.
He then takes two birds out of the bag, places them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff.
Paddy watches as his mate drops off the edge and goes straight down for a few seconds followed by a 'SPLAT'.
As Paddy looks over the edge of the cliff he shakes his head and says,
"F*$£ dat, dis budgie jumpin' is too f#!*&$g dangerous for me."

============ PART TWO ===================

A minute later, Seamus arrives.
He too has been to the pet shop and he walks up carrying the familiar 'peeper bag'.
He pulls a parrot out of the bag, and then Paddy notices that, in his other hand, Seamus is carrying a gun.
"Hi, Paddy. Watch dis," Seamus says and launches himself over the edge of the cliff.
Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and blows the parrot's head off.
Seamus continues to plummet until there is a 'SPLAT'!, as he joins Gerry's remains at the bottom.
Paddy shakes his head and says, "An' oim never troyin' dat parrotshooting nider."

========== PART THREE ==================

A few minutes after Seamus splats himself Sean strolls up. He too has been to the pet shop and he walks up carrying the familiar 'peeper bag'.
Instead of a parrot he pulls a chicken out of the bag, and launches himself off the cliff with the usual result.
Once more Paddy shakes his head - "F*$£ me Sean, first der was Gerry wit his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrot shooting and now you wit your f#!*&$g hen gliding."


"I am the master of my fate: I am the captain of my soul."..........I think????

 

[sailbadthesinner]

Re: #here try these

Blair Country
> A man walked into a Manchester bar and ordered a beer just as Tony Blair
> appeared on the television. After a few sips, he looked up at the
television
> and mumbled, "Now, there's the biggest horse's ass I've ever seen." A
> customer at the end of the bar quickly stood up, walked over to him, and
> decked him.
> A few minutes later, as the man was finishing his beer, Cherie appeared on
> the television. "She's a horse's ass too," the man said. This time, a
> customer at the other end of the bar quickly stood up, walked over to him,
> and knocked him off his stool.
> "Damn it!" the man said, climbing back up to the bar.
> "This must be a Blair bar!"
> "Nope," the bartender replied. "Horse bar!"
>


> There was this Midwestern USA phone company that was going to hire one
team
> of telephone pole installers and the boss had to choose between a team of
> blondes and a team of brown-haired guys.
> So the boss said to both teams: "OK, Here's what we'll do. Each team will
be
> installing poles out on the new road. The team that installs the most
poles
> gets the job."
> Both teams rushed out to work.
> At end of shift, the brown-haired guys came back and the Boss asked them
how
> many they had installed and they said they'd put 12 in.
> 45 minutes later, the blondes came back in and they were dragging.
> The boss said, "Well, how many poles did you guys install?"
> The team leader wiped his brow and sighed, "We got three in."
> The boss gasped, "Three? Those guys put 12 in!"
> "Yeah," said the blond leader, "But you should see how much they left
> sticking out!"




Wants woman with boat
Send photo of boat

 

[Col]

Hee Hee

> > A woman stopped by unannounced at her recently married son's house.
She
> > rang the doorbell and walked in.
> > She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch,
totally
> > naked. Soft music was playing; the aroma of perfume filled the room.
> > "What are you doing?" she asked.
> > "I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work," the
daughter-in-law
> > answered.
> > "But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.
> > "This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.
> > "Love dress? But you're naked!"
> > "My husband loves me to wear this dress," she explained. "It excites
him
> > no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes
> > romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of
me."
> > The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered,
put

on
> > her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD and laid
on
> > the couch waiting for her husband to arrive. Finally, her husband
came
> > home. He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively.
> > "What are you doing?" he asked.
> > "This is my love dress" she whispered, sensually.
> > "Needs ironing," he said.




http://www.arweb.co.uk/argallery/album02/

 

[Robin2]

A stockbroker lost his high-powered job as a result of a financial scandal. He had lived in the city all his life so he thought he would like a change. He went to Canada to work as a lumberjack.

He was given his saw and the rules were explained. He was expected to cut down at least 10 trees a day and for this he would get his board and lodging. He would be paid for every extra tree he cut down.

He found this really hard work after a life in the city. At the end of day 1 he had cut down 2 trees so he got no food and had to sleep in the open.

He tried really hard the next few days and on day four he had improved to cutting down 6 trees - but he was starving so he pleaded with the boss for some food. The boss said F... off we're not wasting food on you - give back your saw to the workshop and clear out.

He went to the workshop to give back the saw. The guy behind the counter pulled the cord to start it and check it out -- brrbrrbbbbrrrrrrr....

the city guy says ---- "Whats that noise ......."