Sammo
New member
Dear Mr. A Hall
In answer to your latest letter regarding the annual invoice we raised for £675.00 to cover your annual river license, may I once again answer some of the points you raise.
I will address them, as ever, in order. Firstly, I must take issue with your description of our last communication as "some sort of bleedin joke". It might perhaps more properly be referred to as an invoice, This is how we in the Environment Agency have always, for reasons of accuracy, traditionally referred to such documents.
Also please note the said invoice can only be settled with either cash or a credit/debit card, unfortunately we cannot “take a pound of flesh.” as you suggest, as we have (at the moment) no way of doing this.
Secondly, your frustration at our adding to the "endless stream of spamming junk spewed daily through your letterbox on to the doormat" has been noted. However, whilst I have not seen the other correspondence to which you refer I would cautiously suggest that as you say they’re from "thieving councils, third rate pirate banking houses demanding interest and pissant gas-electric peddlers" I might indicate that your decision to "always shred erm and put erm down the lav,” is at best a little ill-advised.
You see, in common with my own organization, it is unlikely that the senders of this sort of correspondence do see you as a “sodding charity,” …more likely they see you as a responsible citizen, and expect you to pay for services you have received, or as in our case services that we render.
Which brings me to my next point. Whilst there may be some spark of truth in your assertion that the river license you pay "goes to shore up a lecherous lifestyle of the fat cats at head office.", a moment's rudimentary calculation of your fees ought to disabuse you of the notion that the management in any way expects you to "stump up for the whole of the friggin boat population of the Thames Valley " when you pay your charges.
The estimates you provide for the calculation of your license fee, whilst colorful, are, in fairness, a little off the mark, so much so that if indeed they are accurate we wouldn’t hesitate in awarding you a prize for managing to fit an engine into such a small area.
As for the revenue that is collected I can assure you that less than you seem to imagine is spent on "pissups for the boys” and even less on fact-finding jollies to obscure marina bars in Tenerife.
A couple of technical points arising from your direct queries:
1. The reason we don't simply write "Muggins" on the envelope has to do with the constraints imposed by the postal system;
2. You can rest assured that "squeezing the last drop of crap from our customers by those with nothing better to do" has never been considered as tenable by this office because the sheer medical logistics involved would make it financially unviable.
I trust this has helped.
In the meantime, whilst I would not in any way wish to influence your decision one way or the other, I ought to point out that even if you did choose to… "torch the bleedin liability, sign on and live on a narrowboat at Tescos moorings"… you would still have to display a current valid navigation certificate and registration number at all times.
Please forward your remittance by Friday.
Yours Sincerely,
Albert Crusher. Customer Relations
In answer to your latest letter regarding the annual invoice we raised for £675.00 to cover your annual river license, may I once again answer some of the points you raise.
I will address them, as ever, in order. Firstly, I must take issue with your description of our last communication as "some sort of bleedin joke". It might perhaps more properly be referred to as an invoice, This is how we in the Environment Agency have always, for reasons of accuracy, traditionally referred to such documents.
Also please note the said invoice can only be settled with either cash or a credit/debit card, unfortunately we cannot “take a pound of flesh.” as you suggest, as we have (at the moment) no way of doing this.
Secondly, your frustration at our adding to the "endless stream of spamming junk spewed daily through your letterbox on to the doormat" has been noted. However, whilst I have not seen the other correspondence to which you refer I would cautiously suggest that as you say they’re from "thieving councils, third rate pirate banking houses demanding interest and pissant gas-electric peddlers" I might indicate that your decision to "always shred erm and put erm down the lav,” is at best a little ill-advised.
You see, in common with my own organization, it is unlikely that the senders of this sort of correspondence do see you as a “sodding charity,” …more likely they see you as a responsible citizen, and expect you to pay for services you have received, or as in our case services that we render.
Which brings me to my next point. Whilst there may be some spark of truth in your assertion that the river license you pay "goes to shore up a lecherous lifestyle of the fat cats at head office.", a moment's rudimentary calculation of your fees ought to disabuse you of the notion that the management in any way expects you to "stump up for the whole of the friggin boat population of the Thames Valley " when you pay your charges.
The estimates you provide for the calculation of your license fee, whilst colorful, are, in fairness, a little off the mark, so much so that if indeed they are accurate we wouldn’t hesitate in awarding you a prize for managing to fit an engine into such a small area.
As for the revenue that is collected I can assure you that less than you seem to imagine is spent on "pissups for the boys” and even less on fact-finding jollies to obscure marina bars in Tenerife.
A couple of technical points arising from your direct queries:
1. The reason we don't simply write "Muggins" on the envelope has to do with the constraints imposed by the postal system;
2. You can rest assured that "squeezing the last drop of crap from our customers by those with nothing better to do" has never been considered as tenable by this office because the sheer medical logistics involved would make it financially unviable.
I trust this has helped.
In the meantime, whilst I would not in any way wish to influence your decision one way or the other, I ought to point out that even if you did choose to… "torch the bleedin liability, sign on and live on a narrowboat at Tescos moorings"… you would still have to display a current valid navigation certificate and registration number at all times.
Please forward your remittance by Friday.
Yours Sincerely,
Albert Crusher. Customer Relations
