DIY Surgery

[jimi]

Following on the success of the Divorce thread I thought I ask for some advice. My daughter's boyfriend has a large lump on his head, there seems to be a bit of a waiting list at the NHS at the moment so I thought I'd ask the panel the best way to proceeed. I've got a stanley knife,pair of pliers and some cable ties, will that be sufficient for a minor brain op?

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[BrendanS]

Stop punching him when he brings her home late, and it will go down in a few days without surgery.

You might need legal advice when he sues you though?

<hr width=100% size=1>Me transmitte sursum, caledoni

 

[Gunfleet]

Re: DIY brain Surgery

Here in the antipodes, where I am a legend in my own mind and generally considered to be an expert on everything, we're nothing short of rude to people who stray out of the area of expertise I have defined for them. You're a good case in point. I suggest you cut his head off with the instructions I will pee-em you, which will include directions to my lonely shack on south island. Once here in our far flung part of the former Empire , I will teach him to talk out of his arse and how to haunt you for having considered being so cruel to your dochta's beloved.
PS if you really want to get rid of him, tell her you really like him, put him at the top of the table at dinner and invite him round to meet your aunties and uncles . Hewon't last a week.

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[Neraida]

Jim,

As you may have noticed, I too have a "bump", which came about from trying to move a 14000grt reefer ship with my head. When you have succeeded (or not) in your task, would you mind sending the details to "her ladyship" so she could have a go? NHS told me 4 years, and bupa want £4,500....

Cheers mate

James

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[longjohnsilver]

As the boyfriend of someone in the Jimi clan he cannot have much of a brain so it follows that any surgery carried out must be minor. I'd recommend a hammer drill and chainsaw with a rivet gun to keep everything in place.

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[BrianJ]

Now Jimi.. are you sure he has a brain.. sure he must be in love , but if he looks at you as his future father -in - law.. then, there is some serious doubt about his ability to think clearly now.
Yes I like the idea of introducing him to all the aunties and " olds" .. thats a good idea.. also take him down to the pub one night and test his ability to keep up the family name. Or take him sailing , ... there if you dont like him , he could fall overboard, hence saving a blade of your stanley knife , cable ties and much blood....
That will be AU$ 1000.00 please
BrianJ or is it Brain J ?

<hr width=100% size=1>BrianJ

 

[Colin_S]

These tools look a little more suitable.

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[tcm]

I think it would be an excellent money-making opportunity to rent out your front room as an operating theatre for the happy couple to take these important steps in their lives, and charge rental for the tools as well, perhaps?

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[Ships_Cat]

I assume that he received the bump from some unhappy person throwing bricks through his window.

My suggestion would be to tell him that the lump will soon go down but the pain in the brickthrower's mind will last for ever.

Perhaps he could move 12,000 miles away - then he would be out of range, like me.

Wish him well.

John





<hr width=100% size=1>I am the cat but I am only 6.

 

[Ships_Cat]

Damn! I have just read the Divorce thread that Jimi referred to - I should have come straight in here with a killer right hook rather than relying on allusions. Am going to sign up for some lessons on the punching bit with TCM /forums/images/icons/smile.gif.

John

<hr width=100% size=1>I am the cat but I am only 6.

 

[ShipsWoofy]

<blockquote><font size=1>In reply to:</font><hr>

Perhaps he could move 12,000 miles away - then he would be out of range, like me.

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nah, even that is too close it seems, I had the same plan but the last few weeks have shown a fundamental flaw. Although I think I should be safe for another few years now!

<hr width=100% size=1><A target="_blank" HREF=http://www.topcatsail.co.uk>Woof</A>

 

[Ships_Cat]

Very true - maybe we can go into the passport confiscation business out here for you /forums/images/icons/smile.gif.

Have been going to ask how the last week went - well I hope. Sounds from other posts that you visited lots of places that I envy you for.

John

<hr width=100% size=1>I am the cat but I am only 6.

 

[Cutter]

Jim
One of the first visits to the operating room as a first year med student was to see a brain op. A maniacal neurosurgeon hacked out bits of grey matter but finished by pouring peroxide into the open head. Great froths of pinkish foam errupted everywhere - most dramatic. he then finished with the immortal words - "beats working for a living!"
(He was subsequently locked up but all neurosurgeons are a bit mad)
Good luck with your surgery

Richard

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[jimi]

I did forensic medicine as part of my law degree and passed out in the lecture when the slides of brain slices were being shown!

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[Clive_Rigden]

I'd set up outdise the three mile limit (or is it twelve for brain surgery?) and operate under a flag of convenience - preferably red.

Oh yes - and do let me know when your daughter needs a new boyfriend . . .

I should rather a full bottle in front of me,
Than a full - frontal Lobotomy . . .

/forums/images/icons/crazy.gif




<hr width=100% size=1>Khyber

 

[robind]

How about getting him to find out where the shortest waiting time for any op is( ie the scillies) and then posting the "Bans" at the local church, for them both, move in for a forghtnignt. have the Op and Bingo job done ))
Rob

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[ccscott49]

I would have thought with such a comprehensive medical kit, MAJOR brain surgery is possible!

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[ParaHandy]

surely it would be an act of extreme kindness and generosity (of spirit) on your part if you were to offer him your deid-sheep hat, the which whereby to hide the gruesome lump. the daughter would, likely as not, not wish to be constantly reminded of her father and that should bring the relationship to a speedy end ...

you could try bashing it with a lump hammer rather than removing it. such a device seems to be the correct medical tool .............

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[jimi]

Trouble is his name's Jack, so I don't know whether to use the Jack Hammer or the Lump Hammer .. advice?

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[ParaHandy]

would either get the lump to pop up somewhere less disfiguring or are we really bothered about improving the lad's appearance ... ? jist refining the answer fer youse .. ken ...

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