Aged in laws

Slow_boat

Slow_boat

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I retired last May at the age of 55. We have the boat of choice and my pension is enough to live on for 6 months a year cruising and 6 months back working. That was the plan and we had a wonderful summer cruising along the south coast of the KU, ending up in Cornwall. The trouble is, we had to return to share 'looking after the in-laws' for a fortnight at monthly intervals. It was expensive but do-able.

The plan is/was to rent the house out and head for Brittany next year but we simply can't afford to leave the boat and travel back and forth all the time. The in-laws are frail and infirm, new bits failing every day, late 80s and have carers three times a day. They are heading for their fifteenth 'last Christmas' Both come from long lived families so this could go on for years. There are two other sisters with whom we share the 'visiting duties'

How do I convince swmbo and her sisters that we need to go now, not wait until they are no longer with us?

Or am I being harsh?
 
In a word NO! My in-laws stopped traveling to look after her mother, by the time she has passed away both of them had health problems and though they travel a bit their life and enjoyment of travel is much curtailed. We took note and when FIL did express some regret that we were leaving the uk (ie leaving him) we offered to move in with them until his death, they would have to support us as we'd rented out our home and retired from work... he rapidly changed his tune!

Meanwhile I too have aged frail parents but their more pragmatic view is that we can fly into the UK from most places in the world fairly quickly and they have various others of my siblings close by if they actually need some one. It might seem selfish to not be in the country but actually do they need you holding their hand every day? Ask them what they think (not your SIL's).

S
 
My experience with my father and now my fil is old people are cunning and are looking out for themselves.Its anormal survival situation I asume.You need a family pow wow and sort out a global plan,but be sure to make sure they know you are off .
 
Both my mother, and wife's mother, said for years: "I don't want to be a burden to you when I get old. When the time comes, I'll go into a home." When the time did come, and they were less rational, of course they were desperate for the support to stay in their own home.

I'm now saying the same to my daughter.
 
We are responsible for our children, they are most certainly not responsible for us. That is how it should be, there is no way we would guilt trip them. Enjoy your sailing, you only get one go on the planet.
 
We face similar problems with 3 parents, 4 children and 5 grandchildren - however all have appreciated the opportunity we had and, yes, we ran away for a few years. We will be back soon but how can you not do this - you will be forever say "I wonder what............! if you dont.

Go for it and face the challenges families and circumstances present. It is difficult at times but life is for the living and the experiences will be there forever. You are not being harsh........
 
Do they "need" you there or, are they being selfish by wanting your presence? What are their views? We've been there with both our parents and a brother each, also had a rest home for some years so, very used to dealing with the elderly.

There are various options but, you first need to determine whether there is a need for you to be there or, is it a feeling of guilt if you're not? We paid for mother in law to have 24 hour live in carers but, costs are a lot lower in Portugal than the UK. Until the last few weeks, that left us more or less free but within a few hours reach if needed. Maybe it's time to start thinking about residential accommodation or, persuade your siblings to do longer shifts and you make up for it in winter.
 
Thanks for the replies so far.

The in-laws don't need us to look after them, they have carers three times a day. FiL can't walk and is incontinent, blind in one eye, kidneys on the way out and very depressed. Mil going blind and deaf but a tough old bird. They have both been in and out of hospital many times over the last few years and are on first name terms with the ambulance crews and paramedics. They are kept alive by tablets, lean heavily on their religion (Irish Catholics) have both had the last rites a number of times and just sit watching the news or a religious channel all day. I expect him to go soon but she could go on for years.
They have a few bob, which we are trying to persuade them to spend on carers but one SiL sees as 'her' inheritance.

The problem isn't really the parents in law, it's the sisters in laws who pile the guilt on swmbo, who has always been the black sheep of her family. I think part of it is that we live closest and part is jealousy that we, the poor relations, are able to sail away and they're not.

Swmbo and I both have arthritis building, swmbo is depressed and drinking far to much and we are getting through our nest egg at a rate of knots trying to keep shore-side and sea life at the same time.

Best thing my parents ever did for us was to bugger off to Spain for their retirement. I'm so glad I never had a close family.
 
Slow_boat said:
Thanks for the replies so far.

The in-laws don't need us to look after them, they have carers three times a day. FiL can't walk and is incontinent, blind in one eye, kidneys on the way out and very depressed. Mil going blind and deaf but a tough old bird. They have both been in and out of hospital many times over the last few years and are on first name terms with the ambulance crews and paramedics. They are kept alive by tablets, lean heavily on their religion (Irish Catholics) have both had the last rites a number of times and just sit watching the news or a religious channel all day. I expect him to go soon but she could go on for years.
They have a few bob, which we are trying to persuade them to spend on carers but one SiL sees as 'her' inheritance.

The problem isn't really the parents in law, it's the sisters in laws who pile the guilt on swmbo, who has always been the black sheep of her family. I think part of it is that we live closest and part is jealousy that we, the poor relations, are able to sail away and they're not.

Swmbo and I both have arthritis building, swmbo is depressed and drinking far to much and we are getting through our nest egg at a rate of knots trying to keep shore-side and sea life at the same time.

Best thing my parents ever did for us was to bugger off to Spain for their retirement. I'm so glad I never had a close family.
Click to expand...

Go, and don't be blackmailed, least of all by siblings.

For me the boot is on the other foot and I resent well-meaning family "carers"
 
As everyone else has said, go. Any responsibility you have is to the old folks, not the sisters, so don't allow the SILs to send you on the guilt trip. If you feel the need to compensate, you could offer to do a bit more when you are in your six month home spell. But you only get to
live your own life once and the relationship between you and your wife is the important one.
 
Slow_boat said:
Thanks for the replies so far.

The in-laws don't need us to look after them, they have carers three times a day. FiL can't walk and is incontinent, blind in one eye, kidneys on the way out and very depressed. Mil going blind and deaf but a tough old bird. They have both been in and out of hospital many times over the last few years and are on first name terms with the ambulance crews and paramedics. They are kept alive by tablets, lean heavily on their religion (Irish Catholics) have both had the last rites a number of times and just sit watching the news or a religious channel all day. I expect him to go soon but she could go on for years.
They have a few bob, which we are trying to persuade them to spend on carers but one SiL sees as 'her' inheritance.

The problem isn't really the parents in law, it's the sisters in laws who pile the guilt on swmbo, who has always been the black sheep of her family. I think part of it is that we live closest and part is jealousy that we, the poor relations, are able to sail away and they're not.

Swmbo and I both have arthritis building, swmbo is depressed and drinking far to much and we are getting through our nest egg at a rate of knots trying to keep shore-side and sea life at the same time.

Best thing my parents ever did for us was to bugger off to Spain for their retirement. I'm so glad I never had a close family.
Click to expand...

If "one SIL sees as 'her' inheritance", then she must be a perfect applicant for the responsibility of looking after her parents.
Tell her, you don't want your share & bugger off sailing.
The 'guilt' will soon vanish!
 
Do a search for a post I put up a while back about the unseen price of living on board, referring to similar issues.

My father was diagnosed with cancer a year ago, I spent as much time with him as i was able too , i bought him an i pad and we skyped most days, thanks to my job i was able to fly in and out of the uk every five weeks, when the time came and we knew he was going , i spent a month at his bed side 24/7 sleeping many nights in the mc milan wing.

he died in my arms a few weeks ago, I'm now back on the yacht living aboard, i have NO regrets about the last year, its not been easy and you will have guilt trips , but live YOUR dream , they lived theirs …its your turn , good luck and fair winds.
 
The SIL will guilt trip you regardless, so you might as well feel guilty in the warm sunshine of the med, rather than crappy british temperate rainyness.
 
Slow_boat said:
I retired last May at the age of 55. We have the boat of choice and my pension is enough to live on for 6 months a year cruising and 6 months back working. That was the plan and we had a wonderful summer cruising along the south coast of the KU, ending up in Cornwall. The trouble is, we had to return to share 'looking after the in-laws' for a fortnight at monthly intervals. It was expensive but do-able.

The plan is/was to rent the house out and head for Brittany next year but we simply can't afford to leave the boat and travel back and forth all the time. The in-laws are frail and infirm, new bits failing every day, late 80s and have carers three times a day. They are heading for their fifteenth 'last Christmas' Both come from long lived families so this could go on for years. There are two other sisters with whom we share the 'visiting duties'

How do I convince swmbo and her sisters that we need to go now, not wait until they are no longer with us?

Or am I being harsh?
Click to expand...

If you have to ask here, you already know what the "right" answer is, I think....
 
Thanks for raising the issue - you are not alone and it helps to hear others' views. All I can add to the words of wisdom already given is:

- there is no right answer (or wrong one) so don't beat yourself up looking for it. It doesn't even sound like there's a compromise that will result in an equitable sharing of happiness (or unhappiness). Hence, someone is not going to be happy with the solution you arrive at: I can't see why that should be you.

- my wife and I also have caring responsibilities (MiL) lives with us. When we were trying to decide whether to buy a boat and make a start, our killer argument was: if not, we're just waiting for mother to die. That seems beyond wrong.

- Penfold is right. If you stay, you'll both feel guilt towards each other for not going. If you go, you'll feel guilty towards the in laws. Put bluntly, you'll find it easier to cope with the guilt if you're doing the right thing by each other and where you want to be.

Finally, on a practical note, in addition to having carers come in, there is now a huge range of 'assistive technology' that allows people to live independently and safely at home (check out Telecare for example). If your in laws haven't already had one, ask social services to carry out a supported assessment. Even if your in laws don't qualify for financial assistance, they will get valuable pointers from the social worker who visits. You should at least be able to do what you want, knowing that everything has been done to make them as safe and independent as possible. Residential care is often not the right answer.
 
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