Aged in laws

[AntarcticPilot]

My wife's family is distributed between Hong Kong, Germany, the UK and Canada! I have a mother-in-law, 6 sisters-in-law and a brother-in-law - as well as innumerable nieces and nephews, and even a few great-nieces and great-nephews. Modern communications - including Skype and Facebook - are a wonderful way of keeping everyone in touch. My wife speaks regularly - at least once a week - with her sisters and Mother in HK, at practically zero cost. Those with internet connections can, of course, share video conversations, but Skype works fine with land-lines as well. Facebook provides a less interactive means of sharing events through photographs and comments; my only problem with that is that they sometimes forget I don't read Chinese! Email is excellent for matters that require a clear statement of things. We try and travel to HK once a year, but otherwise we would only travel to HK in the event of an emergency (as we did a couple of years back when her father died).

With modern communications, there's absolutely no reason for people to feel isolated or out of touch with people who happen to live a long way off. It's different if there's a requirement for physical care or support, but you say there isn't.

Perhaps I should add that my wife and I conducted our courting through the internet!

 

[duncan99210]

There is a phrase - carpe diem - which sums up what I think you're looking at. You must seize the opportunity to do what you want to do before the opportunity passes you by. My wife and I have now lived on board Rampage for nearly five years and not week goes past where we we don't reflect on the fact that we're lucky to be doing what we doing. We look back at her parents, where her mother was hit by a stroke at 60 which trapped both of them into a life that they didn't really enjoy.

Yes, there is the wish to be not too far away from the children and grandchildren, yes there is the worry about my aged parents but as has been said before, you're never really more than a few hours flying time away from UK wherever you are in the Med. I have flown home at four hours notice to cope with a family crisis before now, so it can be done.

I am lucky in that my siblings happily took up most of the burden of moving my parents into care when the time came but I am still well inside the loop and part of the decision making system for their continued care. To be honest, we have long realised as a family that the 'inheritance', such as it was, is going to be used up providing their care. And why not? It is after all their money.

So, for what it's worth, my suggestion would be to get the sisters together and lay out what you're going to do. Tell them, don't ask them, as they'll just give your wife an even worse guilt trip than they've already done. Tell them you're off on your travels before your knees give out but you'll be back for the winters and will do more than your share whilst you're in UK. If they feel it's too much, then tell the to let their parents spend their own money on providing the care they need, be it in their own home or a care home.

I think it's either that or put your plans on hold until they are no longer a factor in your lives. To continue as you are is both emotionally draining and likely to see you broke before too long.

 

[Scaramoosh]

Sometimes I hate these forums because they make you face up to the real world.

As background I am 56 with my my mother and both parents in law still around.
28 months ago I was diagnosed with bowel cancer which had spread to my liver, a bit of Googling showed that the mean survival length from diagnosis to a wooden box is about 20 months.

I also run my own business with a reasonable number of staff, their families, young kids etc. etc.

I am still here working full time, in the gym every day etc. and at my last test in October nothing untoward was discovered but you do learn to live every day for what it gives you. Two months ago FIL was diagnosed with the big C.

From this position of "wisdom" stress the inverted commas - we only get one shot at life. My role with our son was to help him become a decent human being (which I think and hope we achieved). It was the responsibility of my parents and the in laws for SWMBO to do the same for us.

I have to accept that I am unlikely to get an e mail from the King for my 100th birthday and I am happy to support my FIL (and mother, MIL) I don't expect the next generation to waste their opportunities supporting me. The selfish gene says they must live their lives for them and their children.

You only have a short and undefined time in this life the biggest crime you can do is to waste that time.

 

[Gerry]

IMHO you should go now. 55 may seem young and that you have plenty of time to fulfil your dreams but my experience has been that the next decade passes extremely quickly and the problems of ageing increase dramatically.

When we left I was 44, the other half 52. We were novices with a great deal of enthusiasm. We learnt a lot as we cruised becoming competent sailors and efficient mechanics. Learning as we went. 14 years later we had to return to the UK so that I could get some new hips......

What it has made me realise is that if we were setting off now for the first time (58 and 65) I probably would find it very difficult to leave and much more difficult to learn all the skills that now come as second nature to me. As we cruised we have seen SO many people who left it too late-don't be one of those.

You only have one life and it's not going to be long enough in my experience!

 

[Slow_boat]

Decision made!

Thanks for all the supportive replies and advice.

We have decided that I will be the baddy. I will tell the sisters what we are going to do. Any flack swmbo gets is to be directed at me.

We both feel better already.

Now to start thinking about what to do with the cat and all our stuff.

 

[phantomlady]

Take the cat with you! We did

 

[Slow_boat]

Take the cat with you! We did

Cat is elderly and sheds long hair everywhere. Swmbo gets asthma.

Apart from which, it's hardly fair on the old cat!

 

[duncan99210]

Hardest part of setting out was the cats! One went to my daughters in Ireland, we took him across in Rampage and he really didn't enjoy the trip. Other, younger, cat went to a neighbour who had wanted her since she was a kitten - result.

I don't envy you the family conference but think you're doing the right thing. Do keep posting on here and let us know how it goes.

 

[chuckr]

we don't have the problem but met a lot of people who have --

when we sailed the east coast of the USA we had a lot of folks who said they were going to join us very soon - except they had to be back for the grandchildrens birthdays - or older parents who needed them
had one woman who is an incredible sailor and a good friend -- when i asked her to go with me she said she couldn't as she had to visit her mother once a week and her mom counted on her -- i found someone else to go
the one who stayed lost her mother last year and even retired but her age is catching up with her and she feels she does not have the health anymore
we saw a lot of folks in that boat --
on the other hand we know folks who left elderly parents and check on them via email and a weekly phone msg - and two couples are brits sailing in the caribbean right now - one just had his mum pass on and he flew home and attened to issues and the other one knows it is just a matter of time - but if they had not gone would they be able to later?
that is the question you have to ask

 

[rolfbudd]

Go for it, my aging mother really didn't want me to go but knew I would be forever wondering "what if" so sent me with her blessing. Regret the things you have done not the things you haven't. As it turns out I managed to teach my mum Skype and we talk more now than we did when I was in the UK, she always smiles when we speak and says how nice it is to "see" me. Very tough decision but go now or forever regret not doing it when you had the chance. Good luck