What snappy answers have thought of just in time?

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ferroboat

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We are cruising Galicia and not many of the locals speak English and we have not seen many British boats so i was pleased to see the old red duster on a large Dufour that had come in whilst we were out shopping, so i went over to introduce myself and have a chat. It didn't take me long to realise he was not interested in talking to me at all, that i think was down to me having a Ferrocement 1983 Windboat that could possibly be due for a repaint. Sill i pressed on as the way to a man's heart is through his boat so i told what a nice yacht he had. Yes he said and told me proudly that it had been the show boat at the London Boat Show. "Crikey" I said "in 1983 mine was still in a concrete mixer" Magic Moment as he just stared at me. Got any similar ?



www.moonshineofmersea.wordpress.com
 
This is not boaty related but I've never forgotten it and it's applicable.

Several decades ago my brother and I were out clubbing together. We both asked a couple of girls to dance, mine seemed happy enough to dance with me but the one my brother picked said (quite rudely) "I wouldn't dance with you if you were the last man on Earth!", to which my brother, quick as a flash, replied "if I was the last man on Earth I wouldn't be asking you!". Priceless.
 
"Hello, we're from the Church of Jesus Christ of the Latterday Saints."
"Oh, you mean the Mormons?"
"Yes, do you know anything about the Mormons."
"As much as I want to, thanks."
 
We returned to our mobo moored between the piles in Yarmouth Harbour and climbed on board from the dinghy. The harbour was very full, and (unusually) we found a yacht rafted next to us.

"I don't know how I'm going to tell my friends I've been rafted to a stinkpot" the skipper exclaimed.
"Don't worry, mate" I said, "Your'e about as welcome as a genital rash!"
"God" he said, "that's funny...care for a drink?". We got on well after that!!
 
A friend stopped at a red light. A motorcyclist rode into the back of him, fell off and was laying on the ground half under his bike. Andy got out, looked at his car to see no damage, looked at the biker who appeared more or less unhurt, and asked "How do you stop when I'm not here?". I used the line myself, when shunted at the entrance to a roundabout once.
 
we were having a discussion on Foriegners coming to this country to have their babies so the babe gets British nationality. Comment was, if a dog gives birth in a stables, doesn't automatically make it a horse does it!!!
Laugh, hadn't had so much fun since me granny fell down a mineshaft!!!!!
 
I was still quite an inexperienced skipper, just leaving Weymouth, and I inadvertently got tangled up in a rather large dinghy race - shear ignorance, I had tried to avoid them, but all of a sudden they all turned at once and we were right in their path. I swerved and dodged to avoid them as best I could, and for the most part everything was OK, but then I got a real telling off from an oldish guy (who I was manoeuvring to avoid) and I started to feel about 6 inches tall.

Then Miff, who was relaxing on the side deck, called out to the guy - "Well I don't know what you're so worried about - you're nowhere near the leaders!"
 
I was standing in a queue in Gatwick airport going up to Inverness wearing my Tilley Hat with the Scottish flag sewn on it between the 2 brass holes in the side. I'm English but at that time had lived in the Highlands and the Islands for well over 30 years. At the time I was returning from sailing down the Amazon (In a cruise ship.)
A man with a very cultured Edinburgh accent stood next to me in the queue and said in a very superior tone " You one of those Scottish Nationalists?"
I put on my best Lancashire accent and said " What on earth gives you that impression?"
"Well, you're wearing THE Soltaire" he replied.
"I'm wearing a soltiare" I replied "but not THE soltaire. This is the international code flag for the letter M and in the phonetic alphabet M is pronounced Mike which is my Christian name." I went on, "it's also the international maritime flag for "I am drifting without direction" (Not under way and not in command) "which is quite appropriate when ones on holiday. I also happen to live in Scotland and it makes a good talking point when meeting people whilst travelling. Whilst it happens to be also the cross of St Andrew it is by no means just THE soltaire. And in no way does that suggest I'm a Scottish Nationalist"
He went off without a reply.
It is the only time I have ever been able to come back with a suitable response.

This May I took my boat up to Arisaig for a year or two and am horified to see the number of yachts in Scotland sailing with a defaced Red Ensign with the 'M' flag instead of the Union Jack and those flying the soltaire from the cross trees (both port and starboard sides). I do wonder if they realise that the flag also says that they are drifting without direction.
I also wonder if Alex Salmond knows what the flag also means when he raised it at Wimbledon?
Mike
 
last week i ran into the back of a range rover, i was surprised to see the owner who jumped out was a dwarf, after surveying the damage i had done he says'i'm not happy'
'oh' says i, 'which one are you then ?'

on a more truithfull note, the wife tells me ' i need to get my hair done badly', quick as a flash i said, ' well go to the place that normally does it'
 
Vegable said:
I was standing in a queue in Gatwick airport going up to Inverness wearing my Tilley Hat with the Scottish flag sewn on it between the 2 brass holes in the side. I'm English but at that time had lived in the Highlands and the Islands for well over 30 years. At the time I was returning from sailing down the Amazon (In a cruise ship.)
A man with a very cultured Edinburgh accent stood next to me in the queue and said in a very superior tone " You one of those Scottish Nationalists?"
I put on my best Lancashire accent and said " What on earth gives you that impression?"
"Well, you're wearing THE Soltaire" he replied.
"I'm wearing a soltiare" I replied "but not THE soltaire. This is the international code flag for the letter M and in the phonetic alphabet M is pronounced Mike which is my Christian name." I went on, "it's also the international maritime flag for "I am drifting without direction" (Not under way and not in command) "which is quite appropriate when ones on holiday. I also happen to live in Scotland and it makes a good talking point when meeting people whilst travelling. Whilst it happens to be also the cross of St Andrew it is by no means just THE soltaire. And in no way does that suggest I'm a Scottish Nationalist"
He went off without a reply.
It is the only time I have ever been able to come back with a suitable response.

This May I took my boat up to Arisaig for a year or two and am horified to see the number of yachts in Scotland sailing with a defaced Red Ensign with the 'M' flag instead of the Union Jack and those flying the soltaire from the cross trees (both port and starboard sides). I do wonder if they realise that the flag also says that they are drifting without direction.
I also wonder if Alex Salmond knows what the flag also means when he raised it at Wimbledon?
Mike
Click to expand...
Saltire?
 
In the pre-AIS days sailing along the northern coast of Australia, I had just gone off watch at 3am and heard my wife calling up an approaching ship to make sure they'd seen us.

The first call went OK...

"Vessel to the west of Cape Wessel"

then she tripped over the second call and lost it totally on the third, reduced to a giggling heap over an open mic.

Eventually she took her finger off the key and a broad Aussie accent, sounding like he'd now heard everything, came back "Aw Gaud!"
 
I have become intensely irritated by those sales telephone calls where the caller begins, "How are you today?" as though they know me and are interested.
So I now reply:
"Very well thanks and how are you?"
When I get a reply I then ask how the caller's mother is...
Did she enjoy her holiday?
Has she got over that nasty rash?
What happened in his father's court case?
And see how long I can keep it going. When It looks as though they might attempt to regain the initiative, I wish then a good day and say good bye.
My record is 7 minutes of totally inane questions - it presents an interesting challenge, keeps them from bothering other poor sods and is all done at their expense. It also seems to be more effective at getting me removed from their lists than remonstrating or getting cross
 
A boat came and anchored directly upwind...they paid chain out...their anchor dragged...they paid more chain out..they dragged again...and paid out more chain...and it finally dug in properly....but by this time their transom was less than 15 feet from my bow.... So.... with glass in hand...I padded along the deck and stood there with as much of a beaming smile as I can muster.....and said... "Well, it does have the advantage that I could actually HAND you a drink....
They took the point...and moved...and everybody stayed calm and happy
 
Nohos' tale reminds me... but this was at my expense.

After our second night anchored off Smalls Cove in Salcombe, we were hailed by a nearby yacht to say we were dragging. I looked aound, and thought we were in much the same place as on the previous flood, allowing for an extra few metres I'd for peace of mind veered the night before.

"I don't think so, we haven't shifted at all the last couple of days" said I.

He looked at me scornfully.

"Well we're not dragging forwards" said he.


Turned out he was right...
 
James_Calvert said:
Nohos' tale reminds me... but this was at my expense.

After our second night anchored off Smalls Cove in Salcombe, we were hailed by a nearby yacht to say we were dragging. I looked aound, and thought we were in much the same place as on the previous flood, allowing for an extra few metres I'd for peace of mind veered the night before.

"I don't think so, we haven't shifted at all the last couple of days" said I.

He looked at me scornfully.

"Well we're not dragging forwards" said he.


Turned out he was right...
Click to expand...

Another tale from Salcombe - Sunny Cove in fact. My cousin and some friends had a bit of a party on the beach and the "lads" were sleeping in a couple of tents on the beach and left the couple the luxury of the Pandora (small yacht) to sleep in - this couple had no experience with yachts or any boating at all. At some point in the middle of the night as a likely result of the tide coming in and not enough chain out the boat drifted in up the estuary and came to rest up against the bows of three yachts all rafted up on one of the visitors buoys. The noise awoke the couple and Ian went up on deck, saw the bows of the three yachts and went below to inform his wife they had been rammed simultaneously by three yachts!

Meanwhile on the beach one of my cousins friends, a known practical joker woke my cousin up to tell him the yacht was gone - he told the joker don't be a **** and go back to sleep - he eventually persuaded him to have a look and they got in the Dory and found the yacht amidst a lot of commotion.

After it was all sorted out and everyone had gone back to bed a meeting to assess damage was called for the next morning, owner of the one yacht that had some slight damage and his 8 year old daughter were in my cousins Dory looking at the scratches and he was pointing out all of the damage that had resulted from the collision and the daughter loudly told he father that he had done most of that the week before in Dartmouth - priceless!
 
A mate and I were in the Trent bridge Inn a few years back, and I had my feet on a stool opposite when the landlord came around... "you wouldn't put your feet on the furniture at home would you?" he asked...

"yeah, but I don't pay £2.50 a pint at home....". I replied.


Then he banned me.
 
Timeshare salesperson stopped some friends in the street. "Oi, speak English, do you?" Reply " Yes thank you, and far better than you ever will"
 
Its always the rearguard that complain the loudest?

Couple of years ago I took a mate and his wife out fishing. It was an indolent day and we were just relaxing with a couple of rods. After a short while some dinghies appeared and a safety boat started putting out markers. I said we had better move a bit further offshore and away from them and we did so. After about 30 minutes the safety boat lifted the marker buoys and re-laid them just offshore of where we now were. We weren't quite so quick to move this time. During the first race, one of the tail enders shouted "We ARE racing you know!". My mate Bick, who won't mind me mentioning that he looked much like a garden gnome sitting there with his rod, shouted back without moving a muscle, "Well you ain't doin very well mate".
 
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