What snappy answers have thought of just in time?

The doc told me I had too much iron in my blood. I asked "I that cos I bite my nails?"

He just looked stunned for a sec then p*ssed himself laughing. He went out and told his oppo in the next room and he still goes on about it if I see him out and about... ;-)
 
On the Trent and Mersey my outboard died and the small cruiser elegantly t-boned across the canal while I tried to sort it.
A NB, privately owned, very nice, appeared a little quickly. The man steering said nothing but his wife shouted a little excitedly'
'Where do you think you're going!!'

The quick answer, spoken from the engine well, was..... 'Llangollen'.....;)
 
In the middle of a row with a former boss about my alleged inability to co-operate with management, I was told "there's no 'i' in team". To which my response, was "and the problem round here is that there's no 'f' in team either". Followed by me storming out of the room and slamming the door behind me.

And looking for a new job very shortly thereafter.
 
Not me but was not far away:

Cowes Week 1989. Am racing a First Class Europe which start 10 mins behind the Sigma 38's. There are some good but mouthy sailors in our class. The Europe was fast and usually we'd start overtaking the Sigmas on the 1st spinnaker leg. Within the Sigma fleet is HRH Prince Philip on Yeoman 27 iirc

Mouthy Europe sailor shouts across to HRH who's helming as the boats are close "Oi, Stavros! Don't gybe in my effin water"

Instant retort from HRH "It's my wife's water and I can gybe where I bloody well like"

Mouthy sailor dumbstruck.
 
Vegable said:
I was standing in a queue in Gatwick airport going up to Inverness wearing my Tilley Hat with the Scottish flag sewn on it between the 2 brass holes in the side. I'm English but at that time had lived in the Highlands and the Islands for well over 30 years. At the time I was returning from sailing down the Amazon (In a cruise ship.)
A man with a very cultured Edinburgh accent stood next to me in the queue and said in a very superior tone " You one of those Scottish Nationalists?"
I put on my best Lancashire accent and said " What on earth gives you that impression?"
"Well, you're wearing THE Soltaire" he replied.
"I'm wearing a soltiare" I replied "but not THE soltaire. This is the international code flag for the letter M and in the phonetic alphabet M is pronounced Mike which is my Christian name." I went on, "it's also the international maritime flag for "I am drifting without direction" (Not under way and not in command) "which is quite appropriate when ones on holiday. I also happen to live in Scotland and it makes a good talking point when meeting people whilst travelling. Whilst it happens to be also the cross of St Andrew it is by no means just THE soltaire. And in no way does that suggest I'm a Scottish Nationalist"
He went off without a reply.
It is the only time I have ever been able to come back with a suitable response.

This May I took my boat up to Arisaig for a year or two and am horified to see the number of yachts in Scotland sailing with a defaced Red Ensign with the 'M' flag instead of the Union Jack and those flying the soltaire from the cross trees (both port and starboard sides). I do wonder if they realise that the flag also says that they are drifting without direction.
I also wonder if Alex Salmond knows what the flag also means when he raised it at Wimbledon?
Mike
Click to expand...

As ex-SolentBoy has already pointed out, the normal description of the Scottish flag is "the Saltire". I haven't heard of "soltaire", the nearest I can think of is Saltaire, the "model town" founded by Titus Salt for the benefit of his workers (but with no pub).

Saltire stems from the heraldic description of a diagonal cross. In full, the Scottish flag's heraldic description is "a saltire argent on a field azure", and it may well be the world's oldest flag. It differs from code flag M in two respects: the aspect ratio and the blue background colour: the Saltire's background is azure (now defined as Pantone 300) as opposed to the royal blue background of M or the navy blue of those parts of the Union flag supposedly meant to represent Scotland.
 
E39mad said:
Not me but was not far away:

Cowes Week 1989. Am racing a First Class Europe which start 10 mins behind the Sigma 38's. There are some good but mouthy sailors in our class. The Europe was fast and usually we'd start overtaking the Sigmas on the 1st spinnaker leg. Within the Sigma fleet is HRH Prince Philip on Yeoman 27 iirc

Mouthy Europe sailor shouts across to HRH who's helming as the boats are close "Oi, Stavros! Don't gybe in my effin water"

Instant retort from HRH "It's my wife's water and I can gybe where I bloody well like"

Mouthy sailor dumbstruck.
Click to expand...

Brilliant!:cool:
 
Not boaty but excellent ...

A friend of mine worked in the City and was on the rebound from his 2nd engagement busting up - so was making hay whilst he could. One weekend we went out to a musical in the West End as a foursome, he bringing his latest belle who was wearing a very short black dress. During the interval, she and my (now) wife went to the Ladies. As they were touching up their make-up, this young lady asks; "Do the tops of my stockings show with this dress?". My wife immediately fires back; "No more than you want them to."

Priceless.
 
Better than brilliant.
E39mad said:
Not me but was not far away:

Cowes Week 1989. Am racing a First Class Europe which start 10 mins behind the Sigma 38's. There are some good but mouthy sailors in our class. The Europe was fast and usually we'd start overtaking the Sigmas on the 1st spinnaker leg. Within the Sigma fleet is HRH Prince Philip on Yeoman 27 iirc

Mouthy Europe sailor shouts across to HRH who's helming as the boats are close "Oi, Stavros! Don't gybe in my effin water"

Instant retort from HRH "It's my wife's water and I can gybe where I bloody well like"

Mouthy sailor dumbstruck.
Click to expand...


And mine own very poor effort:

London traffic, cut n thrust as you do and being a pushy young London driver with an old 2CV which I hated and treated accordingly... I was pushing my way in on one of those two-into-one road filterings and managed to touch the car alongside as we both vied for space, creeping forward millimetre by millimetre ( as you do when you haven't yet grasped that there are better things to do with a life...)

Oops. The passenger window of the impinged upon car winds down, (smoothly 'cos its electric and I have but hose flappy stupid Citroen things that wont stay up..)..
.. And in the nicest, poshest voice with just the right nuance of humour and scorn I hear ''Would you like to actually get INTO the car..?''
 
Which reminds me of Angela - who on being carved up on the A40 found herself alongside the carver at the next set lights. Wound down her window and asked very nicely and demurely

"Errr, excuse me, but is this the A40?"
Somewhat surprised at being let off so lightly, and by a bit of a looker too, he replied "Yes".
"In that case," replied Angela. "would you mind awfully if we f*****g well shared it?"
 
Bit cruel, but.. Friends turned up for our usual X-mass eve bash ('bout 80 came that year). She was sporting a new dress with little glass bits hanging around the hem. I said how nice she looked and she asked me if I liked the dress. Yes, says I, are the glass bits like the corks around an Australian hat? You know, to keep the flies off? Apparently, when she got home she cut them all off. We are still friends, though they are divorced.
 
a boss of mine years ago pulled me up one morning and asked me why I was always 5 mins late(I was),
I explained to him that I was always on time BUT it was the 'clocking' in machine that was timed wrongly,
quick as a flash he said,
Then why are you always going home 5 mins early
 
In Greece on a yacht delivery. Pulled up beside a charter yacht with English crew. Skipper very chatty telling us how great this place was and that bar should be avoided - real real expert having been there two days,and didn't stop talking!! We sauntered off to eat in a restaurant that one of our guys knew, but our friend had also recommended.

Half way through the meal I saw him - and he was heading towards us. I kept my head down when he got to the table.."How's the meal then guys?" he asked loudly? Without looking up, said "It's great!" Passed over the now empty bread basket "..and could we have some more bread please..?!"
 
Not boaty, but years ago S-I-L got pulled over in a 30 for speeding... Plod - "Do you know how fast you were going Miss?"
S-I-L - "No, I didn't notice, as I was eating a packet of quavers!"
She got the points...
 
Person driving along, police car behind. Goes through traffic light at amber. Police car pulls driver over and gives them a telling off. "But I thought going through at amber was ok.....". Policeman adamant it is not and proceeds to lecture them. After a while, driver allowed to continue on his way, followed again by police car.

Next set of lights changes to amber, so this time driver slams on the brakes hard.

Police car drives into the back of him. Driver gets out of car and leans in through window of police car.

"Excuse me officer, I would like to report an accident....."
 
Many years ago when perhaps younger and somewhat less polite, we arrived first at the Tinker´s Hole close to Iona on a perfect summer evening. With a good forecast of near calm conditions and the tide high, we anchored fairly casually and I let it hit the sand plus a fair heap of chain to one side in the clear water. Shortly after, another yacht appeared with plenty of varnish, very spick and span. My brother, who is usually quite level headed and careful, was hailed by the posher yacht, "How much chain have you put out?" As he had been at the blunt end at the helm, and I had taken responsibility for the anchor, he didn't know the figure, so rather than admit his ignorance, he called back "Sufficient!"
They thanked us and carefully dropped their hook.
 
The local DVLA office told me they had not recieved all the documents we had sent them to register and tax a new motorbike. The V55, customers insurance, cheque etc. lost forever.

When I complained the Snotty female on the end of the phone told me I was a fool for not sending it recorded delivery.

"Why should I" I replied " you dont when you send them back............"
 
I was marshalling the entries at a vintage car rally when the local radio lady stuck a mic in my face and asked me if I had lived here all my life...."Not yet" :she sagged a bit, it was live.
During the usual summer afternoon traffic jam with the fish lorry and terminally confused visitors who can't reverse their 4x4s I was standing next to a white van, the driver muttering many times "This place is a real sh!thole" and as he got free I said "Just passing through?" Risky.
During an HMRC investigation into my motoring costs the inspector insisted my boat was my business base, so I could not claim travel to and from, and instead of arguing for three months I wish I'd said well send all business correspondence there then, I won't answer it here.
 
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Scottish Ensign

What rubbish - please get your FACTS right.

Firstly it is the SALTIRE - the cross of St Andrew - one of the most ancient flags known whose origins are lost in history.

Secondly the Scottish ensign is not a 'defaced red ensign' - it predates this flag by a several hundred years and was in use by the Royal Scots Navy from (about) the 11th century until the Union of the Crowns in 1707 - before either the Red Ensign or the 'M' code flag.

You can ascribe whatever meaning YOU want to flags but the real meaning is that recorded by history and hence unstood by those who take the trouble to actually look at such things - clearly you are not one.


"Well, you're wearing THE Soltaire" he replied.
"I'm wearing a soltiare" I replied "but not THE soltaire. This is the international code flag for the letter M and in the phonetic alphabet M is pronounced Mike which is my Christian name." I went on, "it's also the international maritime flag for "I am drifting without direction" (Not under way and not in command) "which is quite appropriate when ones on holiday. I also happen to live in Scotland and it makes a good talking point when meeting people whilst travelling. Whilst it happens to be also the cross of St Andrew it is by no means just THE soltaire. And in no way does that suggest I'm a Scottish Nationalist"
He went off without a reply.
It is the only time I have ever been able to come back with a suitable response.

This May I took my boat up to Arisaig for a year or two and am horified to see the number of yachts in Scotland sailing with a defaced Red Ensign with the 'M' flag instead of the Union Jack and those flying the soltaire from the cross trees (both port and starboard sides). I do wonder if they realise that the flag also says that they are drifting without direction?
 
The lady in Killarney, Co. Kerry, who drove through red traffic lights, just recently installed and was stopped by a Garda (policeman), "Did you not see the new traffic lights Missus?. The snappy reply, "Yes, I did, Gard, aren't they lovely!"

The German Lufthansa pilot complaining to Dublin air traffic control, "But that's our take-off slot!" Aer Lingus Irish pilot's response, "But we had our towels out on the runway first!"

My German colleague, when I knocked and entered his office by mistake, "Why are you invading my office?", to which I replied, "I needed more Lebensraum"
 
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Relax said:
I do wonder if they realise that the flag also says that they are drifting without direction?
Click to expand...

The country or the boats?

Will get my coat....

Then suggestion, when a Scotsman asks you as a trusted Englishman how some one else form England did not know who Robert Burns Is. Do not talk about him as a third rate poet from the coleneys. You are luck to ge tout WITH your coat :D :D
 
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