The cruising life .. Men v women outlook

[Nostrodamus]

Let’s be honest here for a moment or two.
It is easy to extoll the virtues of the cruising life and almost every article you read will say just how wonderful it is and how there is no better existence.
To be fair, as a man I would agree and it is difficult to find a downside.
We men have our friends but are quiet happy to leave them behind and text them once a year to say “Happy Christmas” if we can actually remember or work out which month we are in.
My wife on the other hand misses her friends, her family and the stability of bricks and mortar. She has found it far harder to adapt in our first year of cruising and felt the need to go home for a few weeks. I must admit she has come back in a far more positive frame of mind and is looking forward to next year but I still know she is to a certain extent helping me live my dream.
I am trying to write an article on the differences between the cruising life for men and women and would appreciate any input, particularly from other women who cruise.
Did you really want to give up everything and go or were you helping your partner live his dream. What are the downsides for you and over time has your feelings changed or do you look forward to the time you get back in a “proper house”. I am looking for some honest answers, good and bad.
If you would rather e mail our website below has our contact details on.
Thank you.

 

[chinita]

I suspect, and hope, you will have some pretty interesting replies.

I think your basic premise is pretty much correct inasmuch as it is often the man who has 'the dream' in the first place.

By contrast, I have also known couples where the driving force has been the woman. Some Swedish friends sailed for about five years, then sold the boat as the bloke wanted to move ashore. After two years she had bullied him into selling, buying a bigger boat and taking off to Brazil!

 

[Niall1975]

When we started early this year it was a joint dream which we had both wanted to do prior to getting together. As i still worked she did almost all the organising, house selling etc when i was away (on oil rigs) and my total lack of organisational skills would have been totally outweighed. I came home to lists with deadlines to be achieved and what i needed to deal with ha ha. Took 6 months from decision to living aboard in the med with everything sorted out. I think every couple will be different in a way and given i still work (luck of the job that i can live anywhere) everyones story will be different.

Niall

 

[BrianH]

You are going to get such a variation of answers that it may be difficult to draw any conclusions.

My wife is wonderful on board but she doesn't like it very much – especially the rough sea bits. And when the sea isn't rough she is constantly worrying that it may get so, which makes it a misery for her. The result, after very many years of trial and error, is that I go off alone for the summer and she is happy to stay home with house and garden, with an occasional short period of travelling to spend a few days in a marina with me. In these days of modern communications, this is all feasible.

At the risk of invoking a generational, male-chauvinist-pig attitude, I would claim that human evolution and pair bonding has historically entailed the female accepting the male's lead and decision-making. I have witnessed this many, many times where relationships are dominated by the man and the woman has happily adapted and absorbed his goals – even espousing the same philosophy in such detail that clearly indicates a level of psychological cloning.

Nevertheless, female emancipation plus modern divorce rates have made the female of the species more and more independent. Many relationships last for shorter and shorter periods, even when children are involved; women now demand that their goals are considered too. The fact that those often revolve around the nesting instinct, children and a stable home, rather counts against the permanent cruising life. But of course, there are many relationships made in heaven where compromise from both sides can win out and they can go happily off into the blue with their floating home. They are the lucky ones.

From observation I believe that the majority of contented cruising couples are those at both ends of life's journey, the young who set off with few cares and limited means and before starting a family (which they often do en route), and those who have reared their families where the man has enjoyed a successful career and can retire early.

It all depends on the relationship and if both have the same goal or, alternatively, that one is so dependent on the other that they are prepared to adapt their goals to fit. There is that old French proverb that sums it up: "En amour, il y a toujours celui qui donne les baisers et celui qui tend la joue" (In love, there is always one who kisses and one who offers the cheek). Usually, it is the skipper, of either gender, who offers the cheek.

 

[KellysEye]

>My wife on the other hand misses her friends, her family

I thinks that's quite common. Jane also got a lot of flack from her mother including that I had kidnapped her. I also think most ladies haven't done adventurous things as most men have. Thus they tend to worry about bad weather in particular. I have great admiration for long distance cruising ladies they have a lot to put up with, it's such a change from life ashore.

 

[Erik C]

My wife agreed to give it a try, so we sold everything and moved aboard. However after about 6 months it became clear to me that she was not happy. She wasn't complaining but I could feel she wasn't happy, I decided it was easier to find another boat than a good wife so we moved back on land. She was afraid of the weather and what would happen if one of us got sick a long way offshore. I still have the dream of moving back on board but this time it will be a nice big steel cruiser and not an oceangoing sailboat. Staying within sight of land or on inland waters I am sure she will be fine. It was not to be but at least she tried.

 

[jordanbasset]

My wife agreed to give it a try, so we sold everything and moved aboard. However after about 6 months it became clear to me that she was not happy. She wasn't complaining but I could feel she wasn't happy, I decided it was easier to find another boat than a good wife so we moved back on land. She was afraid of the weather and what would happen if one of us got sick a long way offshore. I still have the dream of moving back on board but this time it will be a nice big steel cruiser and not an oceangoing sailboat. Staying within sight of land or on inland waters I am sure she will be fine. It was not to be but at least she tried.

Agree she deserves praise for giving it a go and you for making the decision you did,good luck for the future

 

[LadyInBed]

My wife has done about 30 years of summer holidays on the boat, but doesn't like the sea passages so when I spent 6 months (twice) on the French canals she wouldn't come on those trips, even though I pointed out that the canals were not 'at sea'.
I am preparing to go to the Med in 2013 but she has made it clear that she will not be coming with me, C'est la vie.

 

[gavin_lacey]

I suspect that much depends on the closeness of the family ties that are being left behind. If you live in close proximty to your children/extended family you leave behind far more than those whose parents have died and children have left home for lives geographically distant. In the years of cruising before my wife died we were in the latter category. She liked the travelling and new places. Less keen but accepting sailing as a means of travel which can be pleasant in good weather. Most cruising couples spend only a tiny proportion of their time actually sailing. Far more at anchor/harbour. In a more geographically distant family you can end up seeing more of your children/grandchildren because they are more likely to come and visit for two weeks of Meditteranean holiday than two weeks of suburban life in UK. Only an observation but the two most frequent reasons for giving up the sailing life seem to be medical (expected) and the arrival of grandchildren.

 

[Nostrodamus]

I have sailed in one form or another most of my life.
When I met my wife some 20 years ago I told her on the first night that one day I would sell everything and do the sailing into the sunset bit so she has always known my dream and it has never changed.
When I was able to take early retirement it was she who suggested we go and take our two teenage boys out of school and with us. They also agreed.
We sold everything, bought the boat and moved on last winter when it was snow and ice everywhere. During the summer we sailed across to France and all round the coast until we arrived in La Rochelle for winter.
In retrospect France was probably not the best place as there is a language barrier, probably bigger than in most countries. We also did not get across here until pretty late so we have seen few other British or English speaking boats and we were pretty isolated.
With selling the house, giving up her job, moving away from friends and family, being isolated and it not being the warmest of weather it became apparent she was not enjoying it.
The boys however were loving the life as was I. Having said that my wife is our family and she also deserves to be happy. We talked long an hard about going back, selling the boat and buying a house. My dream would not be forfilled but being together as a family and her happiness was more important.
She flew home with the boys for a month or so whilst I prepared the boat, probably to go back and sell her.
After a month she came back and had decided that we should at least try a full year sailing and in the sun and give it a real chance. The boys really wanted to be back on the boat and she would look at it as a holiday for a year rather than a way of life and we would decide then. She believed in may be a resettlement period for her with all the chnges and needed to know if it was in fact the lifestyle change or the way of life we were now living. She relly wanted to give it a proper chance.
With this outlook and the fact there are a few wonderful couples now here for winter (the boys have even got friends their own ages) so she has friends and she seems to be really enjoying life. The option of returning and selling is still there but we will enjoy every day until we have to decide.

It is a difficult decision to make and even with us it may or may not work, we still don't know. We were also in the position of having a limited budget which we were not used to and also in that bracket where we could not afford a boat for all of us without using the capital from the house so we had to sell up.

We need the dust to settle. aproper years cruising and then we can say either.. we tried and it was not right or where shall we go next year.

We also came across a lot of people and couples whilst in England who said.. I am going to do that, sometime. At least we tried our sometime but I have no doubt some of those we met will still be saying the same to next years cruisers passing through.

We have seen quiet a boats that live aboard in summer and go home for winter and a good few men sailing who's partners join them for periods and go home, especially if there is a long sea trip involved.

 

[capnsensible]

We have lived aboard for 14 years and have a couple of happy atlantic circuits behind us.

My missus is an Ocean Yachtmaster, delivering our yacht with her own crew to Lanzarotte as her qualifying passage.

She is also a VHF assessor and a RYA shore instructor.

Secret of success then is to get your partner fully involved in the lifestyle, I reckon!!!

 

[capnsensible]

Nostrodamus, try going south for the sun, the world will seem a nicer place!!

 

[Nostrodamus]

Nostrodamus, try going south for the sun, the world will seem a nicer place!!

We will be as soon as we sensibly can do. First sail fro here will be the 200 miles to Santander. I need to balance getting southas soon as possible with a long sail that will be off putting for everyone.

 

[BrianH]

I think you have a very sensible view and a wonderful wife and family. You have made a logical decision and will eventually find a solution - probably a few years cruising with getting more adapted to the lifestyle. Maybe then you may return to shore life as your sons take up tertiary education, get married or whatever. They are important to you and you will not want to be far from them.

But whatever you do, keep a boat to go cruising in, however limited. You will anyway look back on these years with fond memories. Good luck in whatever you do.

 

[charles_reed]

My wife has done about 30 years of summer holidays on the boat, but doesn't like the sea passages so when I spent 6 months (twice) on the French canals she wouldn't come on those trips, even though I pointed out that the canals were not 'at sea'.
I am preparing to go to the Med in 2013 but she has made it clear that she will not be coming with me, C'est la vie.

I left the UK, summer 2000, and since then have had a marvellous series of experiences from the W coast of France to the E Med.
My wife mad it quite clear, a long time ago, that the sailing life was not for her - so the boat I bought was designed as a single-hander but with enough room for 4.

My wife joins me for 4-8 weeks a year and would be the first to agree she's had very enjoyable time (mostly). I spend 6-8 months a year on the boat.

The compromise is expensive (but no more expensive than having a maison secondaire) - I'm happy (Xcept when suffering the UK climate) and the wife's happy (providing I sail less than 40nm/day and never in >F4).

We've both made lots of Spanish, French, Italian and Greek friends and even some liveaboard Brits.

 

[capnsensible]

We will be as soon as we sensibly can do. First sail fro here will be the 200 miles to Santander. I need to balance getting southas soon as possible with a long sail that will be off putting for everyone.

Perhaps try a couple of short afternoon sails before setting off to get everyone back in the groove??

Do give a shout when you get to Gib, we know where to get just about any boaty stuff!

Cheers, CS

 

[Nostrodamus]

Perhaps try a couple of short afternoon sails before setting off to get everyone back in the groove??

Do give a shout when you get to Gib, we know where to get just about any boaty stuff!

Cheers, CS

We will sail to Rocford first to get used to things after the winter and see wht isn't working before crossing. Thank you for your offer although still undecided if we should go into Gib or across to Morocco. Might just do both.

 

[capnsensible]

Doing both is a sound plan! Also Ceuta if you have time, can reccomend.

Have a good trip!

 

[RobbieW]

We will sail to Rocford (Rochefort? ed) first to get used to things after the winter and see wht isn't working before crossing...

If you go that way, consider coming back to the anchorage in the S of the Ile de Re, SE of Ars-en-Re, and setting off across Biscay from there. We got a WiFi signal whilst anchored, expensive iirc, but it gives you the ability to do a final weather check before setting off.

Also think about going to Bilbao rather than Santander, you can anchor in the harbour between the two marinas for free - what the Almanac doesnt say is that you can use a public jetty by the RCN if you want to go shopping, but go around high water, or the fuelling pontoon at Getxo to go into the city, its about a 10 min walk to the Metro from there. Bilbao is a much more interesting city than Santander & if art or architecture do it for you theres the Guggenheim.

Hope it all works out, as others have suggested participation seems to be the key. Try doing a watch system on the crossing - youve got 4 on board so you can pair up. We've found that 3 on 3 off gives the best balance though there are many other combinations. It was the longest trip my SWM had done as mate up to that point, or since I think. She tends to be later than me and likes to see the sun come up so she does the 00-03 & 06-09 slots, I fit in around. You wouldnt expect much traffic except across the entry to the Gironde. Also if you're doing watches, dont hover around - go below even if you stay awake in your bunk listening intently to every noise

 

[Wansworth]

We will be as soon as we sensibly can do. First sail fro here will be the 200 miles to Santander. I need to balance getting southas soon as possible with a long sail that will be off putting for everyone.

Wife could take the bus round to Santander then you have the whole of the summer to enjoy Northern Spain..aslong as you are away south before the Autumn gales.Bilbo is an alternative entry port. Good Sailing and happy times!