Shakey
New member
Does anybody know any good nautical jokes? 'Tis POETS day after all.
<hr width=100% size=1>At the end of the day - Sunset.
<hr width=100% size=1>At the end of the day - Sunset.
Sailing jokes
- Thread starter Shakey
- Start date
AIDY
Active member
Amidships - condition of being surrounded by boats.
Anchor - a device designed to bring up mud samples from the bottom at inopportune or unexpected times.
Anchor Light - a small light used to discharge the battery before daylight.
Bare Boat - Clothing Optional.
Beam Sea - A situation in which waves strike a boat from the side, causing it to roll unpleasantly. This is one of the four directions from which wave action tends to produce extreme physical discomfort. The other three are `bow sea' (waves striking from the front), `following sea' (waves striking from the rear), and `quarter sea' (waves striking from any other direction).
Berth - a little addition to the crew.
Boat ownership - Standing fully-clothed under a cold shower, tearing up 100-dollar bills
Boom - sometimes the result of a surprise jibe.
Boom - Called boom for the sound that's made when it hits crew in the head on its way across the boat. For slow crew, it's called `boom, boom.'
Bottom Paint - what you get when the cockpit seats are freshly painted.
Calm - Sea condition characterized by the simultaneous disappearance of the wind and the last cold beverage.
Chart - a type of map which tells you exactly where you are aground.
Clew - an indication from the skipper as to what he might do next.
Companionway - a double berth.
Course - The direction in which a skipper wishes to steer his boat and from which the wind is blowing. Also, the language that results by not being able to.
Cruising - Fixing your boat in exotic locations.
Crew - Heavy, stationary objects used on shipboard to hold down charts, anchor cushions in place and dampen sudden movements of the boom.
Current - Tidal flow that carries a boat away from its desire destination, or towards a hazard
Dead Reckoning - a course leading directly to a reef.
Deadrise - getting up to check the anchor at 0300.
Deviation - any departure from the Captain’s orders.
Dinghy - the sound of the ship’s bell.
Displacement - when you dock your boat and can’t find it later.
Estimated Position - a place you have marked on the chart where you are sure you are not.
First Mate - crew member necessary for skippers to practice shouting instructions to.
Flashlight - Tubular metal container used on shipboard for storing dead batteries prior to their disposal
Fluke - The portion of an anchor that digs securely into the bottom, holding the boat in place; also, any occasion when this occurs on the first try.
Foul Wind - breeze produced by flying turkey.
Freeboard - food and liquor supplied by the owner.
Gybe - A common way to get unruly guests off your boat.
Headway - what you are making if you can’t get the toilet to work.
Head up - Leaving the boat toilet seat up. When boat skipper is female, leaving the head up is a serious offense
Heave-Ho - what you do when you’ve eaten too much Ho.
Jack Lines - `Hey baby, want to go sailing?'
Jibe - either you like it or you don’t and it gets you.
Keel - term used by 1st mate after too much heel by skipper.
Ketch - A sailboat with good wine in the cabin
Landlubber - anyone on board who wishes he were not.
Latitude - the number of degrees off course allowed a guest.
Mast - religious ritual used before setting sail.
Mizzen - an object you can’t find.
Motor Sailer - A sailboat that alternates between sail/rigging problems and engine problems, and with some booze in the cabin.
Noserly - What to call the wind direction when it comes from where you're going
Ram - an intricate docking maneuver sometimes used by experienced skippers.
Rhumb Line - two or more crew members waiting for a drink.
Sailing - The fine art of getting wet and becoming ill, while going nowhere slowly at great expense.
Schooner - A sailboat with a fully stocked liquor cabinet in the cabin
Sheet - cool, damp, salty night covering.
Shroud - equipment used in connection with a wake.
Starboard - special board used by skippers for navigation (usually with "Port" on the opposite side.)
Swell - a wave that’s just great.
Square Rigger - a rigger over 30.
Sloop - A sailboat with beer and/or wine in the cabin.
Tack – A maneuver the skipper uses when telling the crew what they did wrong without getting them mad.
Yawl - A sailboat from Texas, with some good bourbon stored down yonder in the cabin
Zephyr - Warm, pleasant breeze. Named after the mythical Greek god of wishful thinking, false hopes, and unreliable forecasts.
<hr width=100% size=1>/forums/images/icons/wink.gif <font color=blue> Regards Andy </font color=blue>
Anchor - a device designed to bring up mud samples from the bottom at inopportune or unexpected times.
Anchor Light - a small light used to discharge the battery before daylight.
Bare Boat - Clothing Optional.
Beam Sea - A situation in which waves strike a boat from the side, causing it to roll unpleasantly. This is one of the four directions from which wave action tends to produce extreme physical discomfort. The other three are `bow sea' (waves striking from the front), `following sea' (waves striking from the rear), and `quarter sea' (waves striking from any other direction).
Berth - a little addition to the crew.
Boat ownership - Standing fully-clothed under a cold shower, tearing up 100-dollar bills
Boom - sometimes the result of a surprise jibe.
Boom - Called boom for the sound that's made when it hits crew in the head on its way across the boat. For slow crew, it's called `boom, boom.'
Bottom Paint - what you get when the cockpit seats are freshly painted.
Calm - Sea condition characterized by the simultaneous disappearance of the wind and the last cold beverage.
Chart - a type of map which tells you exactly where you are aground.
Clew - an indication from the skipper as to what he might do next.
Companionway - a double berth.
Course - The direction in which a skipper wishes to steer his boat and from which the wind is blowing. Also, the language that results by not being able to.
Cruising - Fixing your boat in exotic locations.
Crew - Heavy, stationary objects used on shipboard to hold down charts, anchor cushions in place and dampen sudden movements of the boom.
Current - Tidal flow that carries a boat away from its desire destination, or towards a hazard
Dead Reckoning - a course leading directly to a reef.
Deadrise - getting up to check the anchor at 0300.
Deviation - any departure from the Captain’s orders.
Dinghy - the sound of the ship’s bell.
Displacement - when you dock your boat and can’t find it later.
Estimated Position - a place you have marked on the chart where you are sure you are not.
First Mate - crew member necessary for skippers to practice shouting instructions to.
Flashlight - Tubular metal container used on shipboard for storing dead batteries prior to their disposal
Fluke - The portion of an anchor that digs securely into the bottom, holding the boat in place; also, any occasion when this occurs on the first try.
Foul Wind - breeze produced by flying turkey.
Freeboard - food and liquor supplied by the owner.
Gybe - A common way to get unruly guests off your boat.
Headway - what you are making if you can’t get the toilet to work.
Head up - Leaving the boat toilet seat up. When boat skipper is female, leaving the head up is a serious offense
Heave-Ho - what you do when you’ve eaten too much Ho.
Jack Lines - `Hey baby, want to go sailing?'
Jibe - either you like it or you don’t and it gets you.
Keel - term used by 1st mate after too much heel by skipper.
Ketch - A sailboat with good wine in the cabin
Landlubber - anyone on board who wishes he were not.
Latitude - the number of degrees off course allowed a guest.
Mast - religious ritual used before setting sail.
Mizzen - an object you can’t find.
Motor Sailer - A sailboat that alternates between sail/rigging problems and engine problems, and with some booze in the cabin.
Noserly - What to call the wind direction when it comes from where you're going
Ram - an intricate docking maneuver sometimes used by experienced skippers.
Rhumb Line - two or more crew members waiting for a drink.
Sailing - The fine art of getting wet and becoming ill, while going nowhere slowly at great expense.
Schooner - A sailboat with a fully stocked liquor cabinet in the cabin
Sheet - cool, damp, salty night covering.
Shroud - equipment used in connection with a wake.
Starboard - special board used by skippers for navigation (usually with "Port" on the opposite side.)
Swell - a wave that’s just great.
Square Rigger - a rigger over 30.
Sloop - A sailboat with beer and/or wine in the cabin.
Tack – A maneuver the skipper uses when telling the crew what they did wrong without getting them mad.
Yawl - A sailboat from Texas, with some good bourbon stored down yonder in the cabin
Zephyr - Warm, pleasant breeze. Named after the mythical Greek god of wishful thinking, false hopes, and unreliable forecasts.
<hr width=100% size=1>/forums/images/icons/wink.gif <font color=blue> Regards Andy </font color=blue>
jimbouy
Active member
A sailor meets a pirate in a bar. The pirate has a peg leg, a hook, and an eye patch. "How'd you end up with a peg leg?" asks the sailor. "I was swept overboard in a storm," says the pirate. "A shark bit off me whole leg." "Wow!" said the sailor. "What about the hook?" "We were boarding an enemy ship, battling the other seamen with swords. One of them cut me hand clean off." "Incredible!" remarked the sailor. "And the eye patch?" "A seagull dropping fell in me eye," replied the pirate. "You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?" the sailor asked incredulously. Said the pirate, "It was me first day with the hook."
OR
Two sailors are out sailing when suddenly a hand appears in the sea. "What's this?" asked the first sailor, "It looks as if someone is drowning!"
"No," explained the second sailor, "It's just a little wave."
I'm sure someone can improve on these.
<hr width=100% size=1> "It is a pleasure to give advice, humiliating to need it, normal to ignore it"
OR
Two sailors are out sailing when suddenly a hand appears in the sea. "What's this?" asked the first sailor, "It looks as if someone is drowning!"
"No," explained the second sailor, "It's just a little wave."
I'm sure someone can improve on these.
<hr width=100% size=1> "It is a pleasure to give advice, humiliating to need it, normal to ignore it"
Beagle
New member
A sailor ashore after 9 month at sea:
A sailor who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat next to a priest. The sailor's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes, the sailor turned to the priest and asked,
"Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"
"Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man."
"Well, I'll be damned," the sailor muttered, returning to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the seaman and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"
"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the pope does."
<hr width=100% size=1>Never under estimate the strength of human stupidity
A sailor who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat next to a priest. The sailor's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes, the sailor turned to the priest and asked,
"Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"
"Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man."
"Well, I'll be damned," the sailor muttered, returning to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the seaman and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"
"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the pope does."
<hr width=100% size=1>Never under estimate the strength of human stupidity
qsiv
New member
The racing sailors maxim about spinnakers ...
"We put them up, God takes them down"
Other than that none repeatable in company such as this...
<hr width=100% size=1>
"We put them up, God takes them down"
Other than that none repeatable in company such as this...
<hr width=100% size=1>
Beagle
New member
Stowaway.
A young woman was very depressed and decided to end it all by throwing herself into the ocean.
Just as she was about to do so though, a young handsome sailor ran down to the shore and talked her out of it. "Look, you are young. There is so much you could do with you life." said the sailor. "In fact, my ship is sailing for Europe in the morning. I'll smuggle you on board and make sure you have plenty of food. If you'll just help me pass the lonely evening hours, I will get you over to Europe where you can start a new life."
That sounded great to the young women and took up living secretly in a room on board ship. Every evening the sailor would bring her some food and the two would spend the night together.
After about a week of this though, the ship's captain discovered the woman hiding in the sailor's cabin. "What are you doing in here?" asked the captain. "Well, I have a deal with one of your sailors. He is smuggling me over to Europe, and he's screwing me."
"I'll say!" replied the captain. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."
<hr width=100% size=1>Never under estimate the strength of human stupidity
A young woman was very depressed and decided to end it all by throwing herself into the ocean.
Just as she was about to do so though, a young handsome sailor ran down to the shore and talked her out of it. "Look, you are young. There is so much you could do with you life." said the sailor. "In fact, my ship is sailing for Europe in the morning. I'll smuggle you on board and make sure you have plenty of food. If you'll just help me pass the lonely evening hours, I will get you over to Europe where you can start a new life."
That sounded great to the young women and took up living secretly in a room on board ship. Every evening the sailor would bring her some food and the two would spend the night together.
After about a week of this though, the ship's captain discovered the woman hiding in the sailor's cabin. "What are you doing in here?" asked the captain. "Well, I have a deal with one of your sailors. He is smuggling me over to Europe, and he's screwing me."
"I'll say!" replied the captain. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."
<hr width=100% size=1>Never under estimate the strength of human stupidity
mickshep
New member
I seem to remember a good one about bennies with rudder stocks made out of pasta but it escapes me now, perhaps others can enlighten us?? /forums/images/icons/laugh.gif /forums/images/icons/laugh.gif. Heres running for cover. Mike.
<hr width=100% size=1>My Mum say's I'm not a fat b@st@rd, just heavy boned.
<hr width=100% size=1>My Mum say's I'm not a fat b@st@rd, just heavy boned.
mickp
New member
Sailor meets a mermaid sitting on the shore,
"can i kiss you" said the sailor
" i've never been kissed before" replied the mermaid " but go on then"
So they kissed
After a while the sailor said "Can i fondle your breasts"
" ive never had that done before " repied the mermaid "but go on then"
So the sailor continues to kiss and fondle the mermaid.
Then the sailor comes out with it " have you ever ben f****d"
No said the mermaid
...........
The sailor promptly replied "you have now the tides out"
<hr width=100% size=1>
"can i kiss you" said the sailor
" i've never been kissed before" replied the mermaid " but go on then"
So they kissed
After a while the sailor said "Can i fondle your breasts"
" ive never had that done before " repied the mermaid "but go on then"
So the sailor continues to kiss and fondle the mermaid.
Then the sailor comes out with it " have you ever ben f****d"
No said the mermaid
...........
The sailor promptly replied "you have now the tides out"
<hr width=100% size=1>
iangrant
New member
A young man walked into a pub, his head was the size of an orange,
Another man asked what happend to you?
He replied, I met this mermaid marooned on the beach, so I dragged her back into the water,
She said she was a magic mermaid and granted me anything I wanted, I said can we have sex? to which she replied she had nothing below the waist other than some scales and a large fin, so I asked "can I have a little head?
<hr width=100% size=1>
Another man asked what happend to you?
He replied, I met this mermaid marooned on the beach, so I dragged her back into the water,
She said she was a magic mermaid and granted me anything I wanted, I said can we have sex? to which she replied she had nothing below the waist other than some scales and a large fin, so I asked "can I have a little head?
<hr width=100% size=1>
Twister_Ken
Well-known member
Here\'s a good one
<hr width=100% size=1><A target="_blank" HREF=http://www.writeforweb.com/twister1>Let's Twist Again</A>
<hr width=100% size=1><A target="_blank" HREF=http://www.writeforweb.com/twister1>Let's Twist Again</A>
Rabbie
New member
Not so much a joke ....... but ....
AN ADMIRALTY REGULATION
'It is necessary for technical reasons that these warheads be stored upside down; that is, with the top at the bottom and the bottom at the top. In order that there may be no doubt as to which is the bottom and which is the top, it will be seen to that the bottom of each warhead immediately be labelled with the word top'.
<hr width=100% size=1>A day not spent on my boat is a day in my life wasted.
AN ADMIRALTY REGULATION
'It is necessary for technical reasons that these warheads be stored upside down; that is, with the top at the bottom and the bottom at the top. In order that there may be no doubt as to which is the bottom and which is the top, it will be seen to that the bottom of each warhead immediately be labelled with the word top'.
<hr width=100% size=1>A day not spent on my boat is a day in my life wasted.
