Sailing and marriage?

[Serin]

She is a very keen sailor.

She is a better sailor than me.

Perhaps this is why we clashed.

I should have let her skipper and tell me what to do.

Someone, perhaps, who doesn't assume that his gender automatically makes him the skipper. Who doesn't think in terms of "letting" his partner do this or do that, irrespective of relative skills.

I'm sorry that life has panned out as it has for you and I admire your willingness to acknowledge your own part in the tango. Not easy.

 

[Poignard]

I'm surprised when anyone expresses surprise at a boat-broken marriage. Sadly it's all too common.
I see many couples (of all nationalities) where it's clear the wife is only on the boat to humour her husband.
There are women who love the sailing life, but they are, in my experience few and far apart.
26 years ago my wife asked me to choose a boat which could be single-handed, so she didn't HAVE to come sailing with me - she is the first to admit that the boat has been a magic carpet allowing her to visit places around Europe which she'd never been likely to see. Now we're retired, I'll spend 7/12 on the boat and she'll join me for 4-6 weeks (as long as I don't force her to make long sails).
Most men I know become travesties of Captain Bligh when they are aboard, treating their wives as incompetent crew (Germans appear worst).

Well I hope I'm not like Bligh but my wife is beginning to make it clear that her sailing days are numbered. She'd rather play golf and bridge, and be with her friends than in a boat for weeks at a time. She's older than me and very fit for her age but she finds it physically more demanding and gets a bit frightened when we're out in bad weather.

I can, and sometimes do, sail my boat single-handed but a woman's company is a pleasing thing to have; especially when going ashore for a walk or a meal, or socialising with the crew of another boat. I suppose most single-handers avoid marinas; either by nature or because of the difficulties of handling some boats in close quarters situations, but those you do see in marinas often seem rather sad and lonely individuals. I suppose I'll pack it in (sailing, I mean) within a few years but I do worry about what to replace it with. I can't think of anything that has the same appeal as sailing.

 

[thecommander]

Someone, perhaps, who doesn't assume that his gender automatically makes him the skipper. Who doesn't think in terms of "letting" his partner do this or do that, irrespective of relative skills.

I'm sorry that life has panned out as it has for you and I admire your willingness to acknowledge your own part in the tango. Not easy.

No reason to be sorry, my fault completely.


Our boat never had a designated skipper.

She always took us in and out of the berth.

She did the trimming.

I did the navigation and route planning.

I did the cooking and tidying.

I never once assumed I had the god given right to be skipper.

I should have said this boat needs a skipper and I think you should do it.

But do I have the god given right to make her skipper.

Perhaps things would have the turned out differently.

 

[MJWF]

I feel for the OP. While forums are tricky to guage i cant really find anything he says so awful that he "deserves" to feel as bad as he clearly does. My thought is really that he should look after himself mentally. Take life in small steps. Going sailing often helps - the metaphor of not necessarily being easy or possible to go against wind and tide a reminder that we arent the only ones responsible for the outcomes in life (good or bad) - all you can do is trim the sails as best you know how... hope things look up presently for him...

 

[thecommander]

I've booked my first private counselling session this week.

I'm determined to make a change.

Gents, sometimes sailing and yachts just aren't important anymore!

Its just a shame it took my soulmate to leave for this to happen.

 

[jac]

So sorry to hear your news.

You obviously don't want to give up either the boat or more importantly your wife but by selling the boat I think you've taken a smart move that MAY let you keep your wife.

Once the heat has gone from the argument I would suggest a heartfelt apology to her for behaving like an idiot. I would also explain that the treatment that you're seeking.

Don't expect to get her back, don't ask for her to take you back, just show her that you're truly sorry, and are doing something to change because you need to change and she may look at you differently.

But she may not.

 

[Seajet]

I see it all the time.

Husband buys a big yacht which he can't handle alone.

Tries to rope wife into helping him.

Wife doesn't like it.

Boat only gets used when its a F3 and sunny.

My ex is completely different.

She is a very keen sailor.

She is a better sailor than me.

Perhaps this is why we clashed.

I should have let her skipper and tell me what to do.

Shes going to make another sailor very happy some day.

Wont be me.

I have 2 replies;

1, Show her this post - and thread - seriously !

2, It takes 2 to make relationships work - don't beat yourself up - you are obviously a decent bloke to be saying this here.

My other half is not keen on sailing but helps me work on the boat on the mooring, which I really appreciate and enjoy - I hope I convey this to Anne but we both still have quite fiery temperaments and have split with my wheels spinning in her drive ' that's bloody it ! ' so many times I lost count long ago - in one of those situations right now but hoping she'll forgive me, for a start I left a load of Magnum ice creams in her freezer which she claims are too big and calorific, but the ice cream fairy seems to visit when I'm away !

Show her this thread if you want her back.

 

[Serin]

I never once assumed I had the god given right to be skipper.

In that case, I apologise for my (implicit) assumption. The honesty you have shown in this thread inclines me to believe you. I'm afraid it's a very common assumption, though - not only by the people directly involved, but also the rest of the world as well.

I wonder if Seajet's suggestion (show her the thread) might have some effect. Couldn't make matters worse, I suspect. But it sounds as though a lot would have to change to make life together on the boat not only tolerable, but enjoyable for you both. And maybe the time is past for that. So all I can say is, better fortune to you.

 

[thecommander]

Thanks again for the words Jac and Seajet. I truly appreciate them.

But I shouldn't kid myself she'll ever want me back.

I believe she means what she says.

I've apologised a million times.

She may stumble across this forum or thread in the future.

It may make her feel worse.

Dirty laundry in public.

But all I can do now is get help and make my own life better.

Life must go on.

Sailing is irrelevant.

 

[steveeasy]

Tosh

Edited to add: A post like this does suggest to me, however, that it might be quite a stretch for anyone, and especially a partner, to expect to reason or have a rational conversation on this subject with you.

Get a sense of humour for christ sake. I am very sympathetic to the op, I am not a sexist, Ive been in only one relationship all my entire life. Ive witnessed families fall apart over absolutely nothing and been totally shocked and horrified over the lack of commitment shown by what should be adults when children are involved. But it is a forum and unless your blinkered or blessed with the only level headed woman on the planet take a chill pill.

Steveeasy

 

[Seajet]

Thanks again for the words Jac and Seajet. I truly appreciate them.

But I shouldn't kid myself she'll ever want me back.

I believe she means what she says.

I've apologised a million times.

She may stumble across this forum or thread in the future.

It may make her feel worse.

Dirty laundry in public.

But all I can do now is get help and make my own life better.

Life must go on.

Sailing is irrelevant.

No ! Never give up - if I had I would have parted with Anne 13 years ago - and for all I know I might be making a similar post in a few days !

If you have something good going, it will transcend sailing; I never thought I'd fall in love with someone who doesn't particularly like being on boats, but I have and we work around it; I'm not saying I don't get the odd death-stare and mutter, but she knows not to come between me and my boat.

Bit different for you, I've been married to my boat for 38+ years, going out with Anne for 13.

Definitely show your wife this forum, and as you've only had your boat a short time, maybe discuss a boat for the future ?

I bet you both decide to keep your present one, with a new regime.

All the best.

 

[Serin]

Get a sense of humour for christ sake. I am very sympathetic to the op, I am not a sexist, Ive been in only one relationship all my entire life. Ive witnessed families fall apart over absolutely nothing and been totally shocked and horrified over the lack of commitment shown by what should be adults when children are involved. But it is a forum and unless your blinkered or blessed with the only level headed woman on the planet take a chill pill.

Steveeasy

Problem is, I tend to like my humour, well, you know - funny. And I'm afraid your final sentence doesn't exactly inspire confidence in your protestations of innocence........

Speaking as one of the vast army of grown up, level headed women inhabiting this planet - well, let me just say - same old...same old....We've all seen, and been on the receiving end of, this kind of tosh in its infinite range of variants, and this exact response to being called on it, a million times. So predictable. It does get awfully tedious.

 

[webcraft]

Fair point. I need to deal with my issues. Shame it takes life changing things to force that.

Hopefully your tale will be a caution to the many Captain Blighs who we see yelling at their hapless wives as they screw up yet another straightforward Berthing manoeuvre.

Because to be honest your sins seem minor compared to many who seem determined to use a boat to destroy their marriage.

- W

 

[Seajet]

Webcraft,

have some sympathy for the guy, he's being very honest and is in torment...

As for shouting on boats, my favourite best ever was when we were on the crowded pontoon at the Folly, upriver from Cowes; a youngish couple on a Silhouette approached, nervous looking lady on the front, equally nervous hubby steering - yelling above the noise of the Seagull, not realising it carried to everyone, he roared

" FOR CHRIST'S SAKE LOOK NATURAL ! "

 

[Serin]

Webcraft,


a youngish couple on a Silhouette approached, nervous looking lady on the front, equally nervous hubby steering -

Nervous is the word! Yelling mostly betrays a lack of confidence. I think most people feel it sometimes, however experienced they may be, but self control is an essential ingredient of good "skippering". Perhaps we all should bear in mind the example of the sailing barge skipper who rammed the lock at Heybridge Basin, destroying the gates, because of a sudden gust at the wrong moment in his approach. It is reported that he strolled forward, surveyed the wreckage, took the pipe from his mouth and commented, placidly "what's done is done and can't be undone" before strolling aft again to start the work of sorting things out.

I'm not sure if the story is apocryphal or not, but I sometimes think of that skipper in my own moments of apprehension when at close quarters and before many interested spectators. It helps.

 

[steveeasy]

Problem is, I tend to like my humour, well, you know - funny. And I'm afraid your final sentence doesn't exactly inspire confidence in your protestations of innocence........

Speaking as one of the vast army of grown up, level headed women inhabiting this planet - well, let me just say - same old...same old....We've all seen, and been on the receiving end of, this kind of tosh in its infinite range of variants, and this exact response to being called on it, a million times. So predictable. It does get awfully tedious.

If I offended you personally with my sexist humour I apologise wholeheartedly. It was intended to be light humour to support the OP, not to insult any women at all. think you took it to heart personally but there you go.

Best Wishes

Steveeasy

 

[Zing]

Wife has left me.

Thats it.

Its over.

One to many disagreements over and on the boat.

Going to spend the rest of the summer trying to sell the boat.

Great.

Suppose lucky no children involved.

Onwards and upwards as they say.

Somehow we managed to keep a mobo for years without falling out.

Is this a common occurrence for us raggies? Discuss.

Rotten luck mate, I feel for you.

I doubt it's about the boat as she could always have said she wasn't going to come with you again, more likely your behaviour on the boat became a scapegoat for a mix of other problems.

The thing is, boats do often bring out the worst in people. It is all very languid and relaxing for hours on end, then something has to be done correctly, quickly and competently. Even worse, people are watching, judging and there is a fear of failure. So there is a lot of pressure on all sides brought on faster than people are ready for. It is a recipe for frayed tempers and normal calm people so often change into nasty shouting monsters. I've seen it on mobos too, though not as much as there are fewer opportunities for a cock up.

I remember chatting to a charter/flotilla manager years ago and he commented on what an extraordinary number of broken marriages he saw amongst his clients on sailing holidays. I suppose the sort of sailor he sees is the worst candidate as experience and competence , especially at managing boat-stress is typically lower than for a boat owner, but you are far from alone.

The man-management and psychology aspects in the role of a skipper are critically important and should be a part of basic training as a lot of people can't work it out for themselves.

 

[sailaboutvic]

Rotten luck mate, I feel for you.

I doubt it's about the boat as she could always have said she wasn't going to come with you again, more likely your behaviour on the boat became a scapegoat for a mix of other problems.

.

Yes I agree ,
I not sure why your on here writing what you have , you say you don't want sympathy.and you know your at Blame .
Best you can do now is go and get some counselling , what have been suggested way back . .
Sorry to sound hard , but racking it over and over again here , isn't going to do you much good and soon or later all these good listeners here weill soon have enough and you still be feeling the way you do .
Get some help .

 

[Seajet]

Nervous is the word! Yelling mostly betrays a lack of confidence. I think most people feel it sometimes, however experienced they may be, but self control is an essential ingredient of good "skippering". Perhaps we all should bear in mind the example of the sailing barge skipper who rammed the lock at Heybridge Basin, destroying the gates, because of a sudden gust at the wrong moment in his approach. It is reported that he strolled forward, surveyed the wreckage, took the pipe from his mouth and commented, placidly "what's done is done and can't be undone" before strolling aft again to start the work of sorting things out.

I'm not sure if the story is apocryphal or not, but I sometimes think of that skipper in my own moments of apprehension when at close quarters and before many interested spectators. It helps.

Like most of us I reserve my chromium-plated cock-ups for when there's a really big audience, ideally club members...

The couple I described who were trying to ' look natural ' must have thought everyone was either very friendly or on something, as we were all grinning as we took their lines - with the ' been there, done that ' sort of look to each other.

It's very easy to get overly anxious when sailing, resulting in things like people setting off into real trouble in gales with ' got to be back to the office Monday morning-itis ' as I call it - having done just that and learned to avoid it.

The sooner people realise that sailing dinghies are designed to capsize - one just gets a bit wet then carries on - and a missed tide is not the end of the world, just more fun time on the boat - possibly even nookie if one's lucky - there's a place in Langstone Harbour known as ' Nookie Island ' where people anchor waiting for the tide, they even have tee shirts printed - the sooner they can relax and the shouting stops...

 

[sniffyjenkins]

Problem is, I tend to like my humour, well, you know - funny. And I'm afraid your final sentence doesn't exactly inspire confidence in your protestations of innocence........

Speaking as one of the vast army of grown up, level headed women inhabiting this planet - well, let me just say - same old...same old....We've all seen, and been on the receiving end of, this kind of tosh in its infinite range of variants, and this exact response to being called on it, a million times. So predictable. It does get awfully tedious.

+100 as another woman.

Steveasy, saying something was meant to be taken in jest (and then blaming women for being offended and "taking it personally": classic gaslighting) doesn't make your comments any less bone-headed and sexist.

Apologies to the OP for thread drift. I do hope you find the help you need.