Sailing and marriage?

For a minute I thought I logged on to face book not YBW .
I can never understand why anyone want to hang their dirty washing in public .
I can't even feel sorry for you if you behaved in the say you said .
 
thecommander,

maybe there's a lot of Freudian synbolism in your chosen callsign ?!

I do sympathise, as marriages and relationships are important milestones in one's life.

I have been through the ' selling a beloved boat because she had too many memories ' bit - it was a huge mistake and I managed to buy the boat back; but rather different circumstances, I'd already had the boat for over a decade and the female in question was a money grubbing tart behind my back...

I have never understood people who yell at crew, if something is not working on my boat I reckon it's MY fault - the classic example as mentioned is anchoring, where inexperienced couples have the strong bloke standing around at the back steering & throttling / sheeting, while the little lady struggles with the anchor & chain - of course this is just asking for an ' Up Yours Then ! ' - as Captain Bligh found out the hard way !

Actually there's much more to his story but you get the idea.

As to whether you can afford to keep the present boat, that's up to you; but membership of a good sailing club might be handy to you right now, I have seen this happen a few times at our club and people do take sides, but at least there will be chums for you, helping.

Things do change; after my divorce - not the same woman I sold the boat over, and not related to sailing - the only positive contribution my ex had made to the boat was some curtains she'd made, and never stopped going on about; when I met someone else the first thing she said - unprompted - when coming aboard was " Jesus Christ those curtains are awful ! "

So of course I enjoyed phoning my ex and relaying that little message... things do change, sometimes surprisingly quickly - just remember sailing is supposed to be fun, and if that means staying in harbour on windy days or having super-soaker battles with chum's boats, that's the way to go. :)
 
I don't deserve an ounce of sympathy.

We owned a mobo for years and rarely had an argument onboard.

Mobo ownership was easy.

Its like driving a car.

One person steers, one person sits and watches.

Little room for argument.

Sailing is a little bit different.

Its a team sport but too many chefs spoil the broth.

My wife and I booth wanted to be the chef.

We would disagree on when to tack. When to reef. Where to drop the hook. How much scope to put out. What course to steer. Which sail plan to use.

One of us just needed to take control and the other do as they were told.

The night she left me, we where attempting to dry the boat out on the beach.

The boat ended up sideways on the beach, keels slamming in the sand and all sorts of expletives were exchanged.

When the boat finally settled, she came down into saloon and told me it was over.

That was the longest night ever onboard.

And the longest motor home the next morning.
 
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Sorry to hear your story, but I hope talking on the forum about it is helpful to you.

Sailing boats can be like a pressure cooker for relationships. I count myself extremely lucky to have a 'co skipper' and in every circumstance where it is reasonable to do so, decisions are thoroughly discussed and arrived at jointly. On the rare occasions that there is no time to explain, she has learned to trust me to make the right call. And, equally, I have learned that there is always more than one way of doing something and that I don't always pick the best one, so it almost always helps to have a second opinion.
 
Talking on this forum is the only way I can come to terms with what has happened. Many of the relationship forums and professional counsellors don't understand the sailing aspect.
 
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thecommander,

I admire your openness.

I suspect if I tried ' do as you're told ' on most of the chums I sail with, I'd find myself coming to, grabbing a lifering, with a spinnaker pole up my bottom !

It's a joint affair and supposed to be fun for everyone, so I discuss everything as to ' where shall we go, what would you like to do when we get there ' which seems natural and just adds to anticipation, rather than having people feel drummed into it.

Of course the trick is to present the options in such a way as to get the answer one wanted all along then act on that as if it's a mutual decision ! :)

Maybe you should discuss a more mutual approach to operating the boat - never say never.

Either way you'll find a soul mate who thinks like you do, no need to ' tell ' her anything - I've always tried to operate the ' silent boat ' approach, where the crew knows our - not my - intentions and just a nod from me gets a line around a pontoon cleat, mooring picked up or sail hoisted.

I hate shouting on boats, either between crews or boat to boat, as I commented to my chum just yesterday as we went past a racing fleet; that's why racing and ' protests ' are anathema to me and I only raced dinghies in winter when young so as to have hot showers and mulled wine handy - it's noticeable that the quickly declining dinghy fleet at my club has grown again in leaps and bounds since they stopped concentarting on serious racing and introduced lots of ' fun ' events like rallies and overnight camping...

Do suggest the mutual aim / silent boat approach to your wife, you might be pleasantly surprised - hope you are.
 
Bow42 said:
For a minute I thought I logged on to face book not YBW .
I can never understand why anyone want to hang their dirty washing in public .
I can't even feel sorry for you if you behaved in the say you said .
Click to expand...

Overly harsh imo.
The OP hasn't asked for sympathy, but he clearly needed to get something off his chest amongst people who at least understand what's probably happened.
To the OP - I struggle to believe it is just the boat that has caused this rift, there has probably been something bubbling away for a while and this was simple the last straw. It may be to late to make reparations as you may not know what the real cause is. Certainly, whenever I've had a disagreement with my other half it's never been about the things we are rowing about!
 
ChattingLil said:
Overly harsh imo.
The OP hasn't asked for sympathy, but he clearly needed to get something off his chest amongst people who at least understand what's probably happened.
To the OP - I struggle to believe it is just the boat that has caused this rift, there has probably been something bubbling away for a while and this was simple the last straw. It may be to late to make reparations as you may not know what the real cause is. Certainly, whenever I've had a disagreement with my other half it's never been about the things we are rowing about!
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Wise words indeed. Full marks to the OP for opening up and taking the hit. At this time the most constructive point I can think of is be patient and learn from the experience. Good luck.
 
I think the trick is not to care about the sailing or the boat aspect that much. It is just a thing to do for fun. Who cares if the boat gets a dent or has a bit of a knock? It is a thing. Who cares if the sails are perfect? The thing about a relationship is that you need to enjoy the other person's company. They should feel their life is better with you in it and vice versa. Obviously if you are grumpy when sailing that is just an aspect of your personality that most people will not like, including yourself. You need to fix it and move on. Life is too short to 'sweat the small stuff' as our colonial friends would say. If it takes sailing to show you that you have a problem dealing with stress then that is a good thing. Do something about it. The way I look at it, when it all goes tits up, the boat sinks and you are washed ashore all hands saved it just makes a good story for the pub! Another of lifes experiences to share.

I hope you find what you are looking for.
 
I should have sought help with my stress, temper and anxiety issues much earlier.

When she lifted the axe in the saloon, I begged and pleaded for one more chance and I would seek help this time.

But it was too late.

I deserve everything that gets thrown at me now.

Thanks for the words and honesty gents.
 
thecommander said:
I should have sought help with my stress, temper and anxiety issues much earlier.

When she lifted the axe in the saloon, I begged and pleaded for one more chance and I would seek help this time.

But it was too late.

I deserve everything that gets thrown at me now.

Thanks for the words and honesty gents.
Click to expand...

You can't change the past but you can change the future. Get the help you need, maybe CBT or similar and then move on to make tomorrow better than today.
 
thecommander said:
I should have sought help with my stress, temper and anxiety issues much earlier.

When she lifted the axe in the saloon, I begged and pleaded for one more chance and I would seek help this time.

But it was too late.

I deserve everything that gets thrown at me now.

Thanks for the words and honesty gents.
Click to expand...

I'm so sorry you're going through this. It sounds so hard and painful. You're obviously a brave soul to a) be able to open up in public about it like this and, more importantly, b) to take responsibility for your own behaviour. Takes guts and awareness to do that.

I hope you both find your way through this to a more peaceful place, whatever that means for you.

Take care of yourself, and try some sort of therapy as pmagowan suggests. Don't be afraid to ask for help. We all need it, whether we admit to it or not.
 
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I'm surprised when anyone expresses surprise at a boat-broken marriage. Sadly it's all too common.
I see many couples (of all nationalities) where it's clear the wife is only on the boat to humour her husband.
There are women who love the sailing life, but they are, in my experience few and far apart.
26 years ago my wife asked me to choose a boat which could be single-handed, so she didn't HAVE to come sailing with me - she is the first to admit that the boat has been a magic carpet allowing her to visit places around Europe which she'd never been likely to see. Now we're retired, I'll spend 7/12 on the boat and she'll join me for 4-6 weeks (as long as I don't force her to make long sails).
Most men I know become travesties of Captain Bligh when they are aboard, treating their wives as incompetent crew (Germans appear worst).
 
Come on, its an impossible task expecting to reason or have rational conversations with our partners. Their needs are far greater than ours and then expect them to have any thing left when on board is simply not possible. Good Luck to the OP, id step on that boat and simply not look back.

Steveeasy
 
charles_reed said:
I'm surprised when anyone expresses surprise at a boat-broken marriage. Sadly it's all too common.
I see many couples (of all nationalities) where it's clear the wife is only on the boat to humour her husband.
There are women who love the sailing life, but they are, in my experience few and far apart.
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I see it all the time.

Husband buys a big yacht which he can't handle alone.

Tries to rope wife into helping him.

Wife doesn't like it.

Boat only gets used when its a F3 and sunny.

My ex is completely different.

She is a very keen sailor.

She is a better sailor than me.

Perhaps this is why we clashed.

I should have let her skipper and tell me what to do.

Shes going to make another sailor very happy some day.

Wont be me.
 
charles_reed said:
Most men I know become travesties of Captain Bligh when they are aboard, treating their wives as incompetent crew (Germans appear worst).
Click to expand...

Certainly the OP's
red mist because that anchor isn't coming up properly or that tack went skewiff
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is rather alarming.

I suppose my attitude to gender and sailing was shaped by the way my parents sail. My mum is normally on the wheel and my dad, if he can get away with it, will sit in the cabin reading the paper. He makes no secret of the fact that he'd rather have a motorboat (or no boat at all) but my mum has vetoed both of those ideas.

He does take charge for mooring and berthing, which mum can do but prefers not to. And she's better at handling the warps and things anyway. He's also in charge for formal navigation, which she's never learned - but it's not uncommon for him to laboriously arrive at a calculated answer and discover she'd long since decided the same with intuitive feel of wind and tide.

I can imagine split-second round-the-cans racing might demand "one take control and the other do as they were told", but it doesn't sound like any kind of cruising sailing I've ever known.

Pete
 
I don't really see gender as the issue. Men and women are different, that is true, but there are differences within the sexes also. I think it just comes down to understanding your partner and responding to their needs. If a woman (or vice versa) who doesn't really like sailing comes sailing with you then they are responding to your needs. They are giving something to you which is precious. You just need to appreciate that gift and respond in kind. Make the experience as enjoyable as it can be for them and then, when it is over, thank them for putting themselves out to make you happy. Then do something nice for them that perhaps you don't enjoy that much. It is called give and take! Everyone likes to be appreciated and everyone likes to be happy. Giving can be fun because you get brownie points!!

As for CBT this seems to be the best current therapy for these types of issues and allows you to understand your responses and how you can alter them to improve your life.
 
steveeasy said:
Come on, its an impossible task expecting to reason or have rational conversations with our partners. Their needs are far greater than ours and then expect them to have any thing left when on board is simply not possible. Good Luck to the OP, id step on that boat and simply not look back.

Steveeasy
Click to expand...

Tosh

Edited to add: A post like this does suggest to me, however, that it might be quite a stretch for anyone, and especially a partner, to expect to reason or have a rational conversation on this subject with you.
 
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