River Wissey

[hlb]

Re: Hang about a bit Matt.!!

I'd been scratchin me ead.
Wondering, How come the wife was called "Tut" Never heard of a name like that before. (Having had to return to extra special queens english, just for the perpose.)
I've had to read the whole bloody thing back three times.
Then I found it!
Tut-th- wife.
Yo gobin!
Yer daft sod!
Thats Lancashire for. To the wife.
Not Tut, the wife!!!
Ya pon-yed
What bloody school did yer go to.

Haydn

 

[Guest]

Re: oops Creative Row at Tut Film Studio

Well you said Tut th'wife so I just thought that's her name! Bradford, Yorkshire, as it happens. We don't say Tut at all there. In fact, I was 12 before I realised that there were any t's in the language.

Can we just leave at as Tut, sounds quite dangerous wife name? Like Jabba in that other WORLD RECORD GROSSING MOVIE £££ mangusta each HINT HINT??? This is at least as good as that harry potter crap and we get a good laff at colin during the filming for nowt! I mean nothing. Alright we could bung him the old leopard/princess old things once mangustas delivered. I will order a chip fryer in each bedroom of yours and a branch of Macdonalds in mine.

 

[hlb]

Re: oops Creative Row at Tut Film Studio

Ah. I see. A new we'd nicked a few things off of Thi, in't war ot-th Roses. But near guessed that we'd nicked all o yer T's.

So Ok yer can have a few back.

And I hope Colin and Tut have a very fruitfull life, with loads of short people as well!!

Anyway poor Norman only asked if it was navigable.
Dont know what he'll make of this lot??

Haydn

 

[Guest]

Some Musing\'s through the lock

Gently easing the huge boat into the the lock he manoevred her until she gently and softly carressed the locksides as he brought her to a careful stop. Pefectly positioned for Tut to step off. "No we don't do jumping on our boat do we darling", he reminded her. "I'll get the boat in the perfect postion for you, then you can can carefully step off without any danger of falling in". His massive boat, one of the largest on the river was almost 30 feet long. He idly thought the captain of the Titanic couldn't have moored up better, then thought better of it. "That bloody pillock couldn't miss an iceberg at 200 paces" he smiled thoughtfully to himself.

Stepping off the stern he took the stern rope with him and made fast to the perfectly positoned bollard.

"Sorry about that little mix up back there sweetheart, didn't see the mole and had to take avoiding action before hitting him. Hope we haven't upset the flower arrangement" he said.

"We?", shouted Tut, "what's this 'we' business? You were the one driving, wouldn't let me have a go"

He thought he detected a note of slight note of disapproval or even sarcasm in Tut's voice, but no it couldn't be. Then he reflected on the events of the day. "Hmm" he mused, "this is going to take some serious thinking about".

He carefully closed both lock gates and retrieved the lock key from the cockpit and wandered down to the work the paddles at the downstream end. As the water started to empty from the lock he considered things. "Something's bothering Tut" he decided, "she's definitely not right".

As the water continued to drain out of the lock, he idly watched a couple of Crested Grebes scrabbling around in the mud on the river bank. "I wonder what they're thinkng" he mused to himself "and do they ever have bad days too" he pondered.

Just then a movement off to his left made him turn and look closer at the far bank. "What was that? There's something going on over there", he thought quizzically. Before the thought could completely form in his mind he was wakened by Tut.

"Oi shithead" she shouted, "the bloody locks empty now. Are we staying here all night or are you going to get your arse in gear and shift this bloody boat or what?".

"Yes dear" he replied as he started to open the gates and thought to himself, "ah she's alright now, whatever it was that was bothering her is obviously OK now or perhaps I just imagined it after all. She's back to her normal loving old self" Another perfect afternoon lay ahead

 

[Guest]

Re: much better. (nm)

.

 

[Guest]

Didn't think my simple request would result in so many replies. Though it did seem to lose the thread after the first few. Plan to have a look at Stoke Ferry in a few weeks.

 

[Guest]

Re: The Rushes Look Good

Sorry bout that NormanWyatt. Yours was the first post I have seen regarding the rivers of that area, so Haydn (hlb) and I could not resist concocting some half-baked action packed thriller. Well, actually a fully baked and burned thriller. Later, Colin came in and added some boring Last of the Summer Wine type garbage, totally useless for a film, probably wild and mad by rivery standards, which won't even make the final script.

Seriously, I do hope you find a good spot.

 

[hlb]

Off to Portugal with all your loot tomorrow. Leaving Jason in charge. Dont forget to flog him. With in an inch of his life. I've also got biggest son involved. So just beat and thump him as well. Never worked for me. Maybe to soft.

But anyway till the flags come. re read about---------------------------

Re: Tales from the riverbank [re: colin_maslen] Post Reply




Just then, as Mole sat down to admire his handiwork, a large motorboat rumbled by, close to the edge of the bank, smashing everything, and a big bloke leaned over and harpooned him with a spear gun.

The end



Post Extras:

hlb
(regular)
Thu Nov 29 07:39:50 2001
Re: Tales from the riverbank [re: matts] Edit Post Reply




Mole looked up with a sly grin. The harpoon had parted his hair and stuck in the lock gate behind him. The rope snaking and rapping round the big blokes leg. This would have been fine had he not just hailed tut-th-wife. " Ey luve, back thi sen up a tuch". Now th-wife who was a hod carrier in the treacle mine at Sabden, was having the weekend off.
She glared back at her husband with a toothy smile. ( Except her teeth had fallen out when he smacked her, and were now lying all over the floor. )
She put one big mit on tut throttles. and then with a mighty roar. Th engines spluttered and farted and th-prop shafts start wizzing round backerds. Causing the boat to go awfull slow. Then the boat starts goin backerds and its picking up quite of a lick and the ropes goin tighter and tighter, round th-big blokes knobley knee's.--------Please carry on?


Haydn

Post Extras:

matts
(regular)
Thu Nov 29 09:39:35 2001
Re: Tales from the riverbank [re: hlb] Post Reply




The big bloke with knobbly knees began flailing around try to catch hold of something. But unfortunately the strongest of the deck fittings (the flower pot nailed to the table) was out of reach. Just atthat moment the kettle started boling, so Tut was forced to go downstairs to make a pot of tea.

The situation was getting desperate. It seemed that the teabags were in the wrong cupboard. Or had they run out of teabags? Surely not. Tut checked all the cupboards, and briefly considered re-using an old teabag, but dismissed the idea from her mind. At last she found the teabags, and with a huge sigh of relief put two of them in the pot having first swilled it round with hot water in regulation fashion.

Back on deck, things were getting worse. The big bloke with knobbly knees and the rope leg wrapped round his leg an into the lock was beginning to realise that he hadn't had a cup of tea for almost a quarter of an hour. Or even a biscuit. At last, Tut brought the freshly-made tea back up on deck. The boat was still trying to move back, but all the time the rop round his leg was get tangled up in things like ropes do, or even one of the knot things that make you wonder why anyone loops ropes up into neat coils. As the lock got closer, Tut turned the radar on: the power drawn from the massive radar immediately drained the entire electrical system, so the engine stalled. Even so, the lock was drawing closer with all the tangling. The lock gates began to close around them. Tut and her husband looked at each other in horror as the realised that they had picked up the wrong cups, as his had only 4 spoonfuls of sugar in and hers had the 6 spoonfuls.



Post Extras:

ccscott49
(regular)
Thu Nov 29 09:57:35 2001
Re: Tales from the riverbank [re: matts] Post Reply




Think Matts has lost it! anybody for a leopard!



Post Extras:

hlb
(regular)
Thu Nov 29 10:03:26 2001
Re: Tales from the riverbank [re: matts] Edit Post Reply




Now Colin.
The big fat bloke with Knobbly Knees.
Spat the tea out angrily,
he'd got quite a temper on.
The rope that had rapped round his leg, had cut them off. Just above the knee.
So he's groveling around on the floor,
trying to catch th-wife for his tea.
The force ont lock gates were tremendus and so with a great big creek.
The lock gate fell off, in the water.
And the mole had a great big freet!
Well. Then alt water, came gushing, and spilling all over the place.
And th mole were swimin like buggery, just to get outa the place.
Mean while poor Colin -----------------

Haydn

Post Extras:

ccscott49
(regular)
Thu Nov 29 10:05:02 2001
Re: Tales from the riverbank [re: hlb] Post Reply




Poor bloody mole! Moles cant swim!



Post Extras:

matts
(regular)
Thu Nov 29 10:18:11 2001
Re: Tales from the riverbank [re: hlb] Post Reply




Meanwhile poor Colin was trying to pretend to all the people watching the lock that this was all normal. He stemmed the gushing blood from his legs with some nice napkins, and neatly stowed the snapped off pieces of leg in a deck locker, and made an extra note of the list of things in each locker.

His wife was now becoming hysterical. "You've used the Sunday doilies, for crissakes! Today is Saturday! Now what?!!"

Colin's boat was now heading downstream at speed - noticeably moving, perhaps even at a slow walk. With the lock gate attached and at last with the right cup of tea, he could take stock of things. His wife Tut jumped back on board having nipped to the shops to buy some more doilies and get back to the boat as it moved at least thirty yards downriver, attached to the lock gate originally tied on to colin leg, but now firmly attached to the flower pot with a round turn, several half hitches and a purple clothes peg plus a few more knots. The lock gate made an ideal river craft, with a low draft, and very sturdy. Colin called the lock keeper and asked if he might consider a part exchange of his boat for the floating lock gate. The lockkeper laughed, and toldim that the lock gate was quite expensive....



Post Extras:

boatone
(regular)
Thu Nov 29 10:20:51 2001
Re: Tales from the riverbank [re: matts] Post Reply




I thought d'oillies wer waterproof wearing apparel from up north....

Actually, is it just me or is thread getting sadder by the post.......

TonyR
boatone@boatsontheweb.com

Post Extras:

hlb
(regular)
Thu Nov 29 11:04:45 2001
Re: Tales from the riverbank [re: matts] Edit Post Reply




Mean while the mole is still angry.
Cos its lost its home and its greenhouse.
All gone down river and smashed up, with the terrible flood.
He calls on his mates in the river.
And the frog did all of he could.
So the Pike ( Thats Colins pike from up the thread. Thats now caught up with them) and the toad. (Who had been sat having a beer in the pub all the time.) and the water rat.
All got ganged up all together.
They were a reyt gruesum sight.
And they all paddled off together,
Like Ottila the Hun and his mates.------------------

Haydn

Post Extras:

EdM
(regular)
Thu Nov 29 11:16:52 2001
Re: Oh Ed you are awful - but I like you [re: colin_maslen] Post Reply




Havent got past Hartford this year as my enfield fell off, so I can only fantasize about the mythical relief channel, till next year.



Post Extras:

matts
(regular)
Thu Nov 29 11:35:11 2001
Re: Tales from the riverbank [re: hlb] Post Reply




They soon caught up with Colins floating lockgate and lightly-smashed boat combo, and joined the lockkeeper on deck. It was easily time for another cup of tea.

At first mole was angry about his broken conservatory, but Colin suggested that the riverside house first pointed out by NormanWyatt furthe up the thread could be a useful alternative. Mole got angry again, and said that the house that Norman was considering was his own, and it had been on the market for some time. Now, just as Norm had got interested, the boat/lock fiasco had rather taken away some of the appeal viz it being a house by the river, now no house and no river, and all colins fault.

Colin realised he was in a pickle. The lockkeeper and all the animals were somewhat upset at him, although at least he had got clean away with everything as far as looking like a dork in front of bystanders, which of course was the main thing. At leasr the rat seemed happy, gnawing away at one of colin's old bits of leg.

There was only one thing to do. Colin had a word with Tut, who went pale. But there was no other option. She went downstairs again and came back with the Special Shortbread, tears in her eyes. The lockkeper and the animals eyed the tin with their beady eyes. This would be a day that they would all remember for years to come. Tut took out not one but TWO pieces of 15-year olde cambridgeshire genuine muddy-flavoured shortbread for them all to share. None of them had ever seen such extravagence.

The lockkepper became bolder. He offered to perhaps reconsider the idea of Colin upgrading his boat to have the floating lock gate instead. Colin was delighted. No more cramming things into little lockers, much better deck accomodation, and top speed almost the same if he paddled it from the back with a stick from time to time. Although the trade-in price seemed a little steep at the Mirage, £10grand and another piece of shortbread, it would still leave colin with most of a packet of shortbread, plus the other packet of Luxury Balvenie 40%-sawdust shortbread that nobody knew about, not even Tut.

And so it was that colin moved all his gunk out of the mirage on to the much roomier old floating lock gate, helped by Tut, the wife. The animals all helped too, and although they hadn't realised that the boat was only the two-cabin version with the smaller diesels, the pike reported that the antifoul looked ok underneath and only needed a bit of touching up. They stopped at the chandlery for some tape and a tin of International all-in-one two-pack leg-repairing resin adhesive bonding fluid varnish mastic, rinsed the soggy ends of colins legs and put them back on the stumps, and although they got them the wrong way round, colin said it didn't matter and he'd sort it out at the end of the season if necessary.

The animals were quite pleased with the mirage, although the toad felt that the wc was quite badly designed and not really enough leg room. Was this the end of the story? ....






Post Extras:

hlb
(regular)
Thu Nov 29 15:05:07 2001
Re: No. Thats Not The End"" [re: matts] Edit Post Reply




And they all lived, happy ever after. Amen

Now thats the end.

Haydn

Post Extras:

matts
(regular)
Thu Nov 29 15:35:57 2001
Re: Cut!!! all rights reserved. [re: hlb] Post Reply




Any resemblance to any persons living or dead is intentional, especially that colin and the mole, tho not his nice wife (colin's wife, not the mole's wife, obviously) . The events in this story are totally true! Mostly.



Post Extras:

hlb
(regular)
Thu Nov 29 16:23:46 2001
Re: Hang about a bit Matt.!! [re: matts] Edit Post Reply




I'd been scratchin me ead.
Wondering, How come the wife was called "Tut" Never heard of a name like that before. (Having had to return to extra special queens english, just for the perpose.)
I've had to read the whole bloody thing back three times.
Then I found it!
Tut-th- wife.
Yo gobin!
Yer daft sod!
Thats Lancashire for. To the wife.
Not Tut, the wife!!!
Ya pon-yed
What bloody school did yer go to.

Haydn

Post Extras:

matts
(regular)
Thu Nov 29 16:35:31 2001
Re: oops Creative Row at Tut Film Studio [re: hlb] Post Reply




Well you said Tut th'wife so I just thought that's her name! Bradford, Yorkshire, as it happens. We don't say Tut at all there. In fact, I was 12 before I realised that there were any t's in the language.

Can we just leave at as Tut, sounds quite dangerous wife name? Like Jabba in that other WORLD RECORD GROSSING MOVIE £££ mangusta each HINT HINT??? This is at least as good as that harry potter crap and we get a good laff at colin during the filming for nowt! I mean nothing. Alright we could bung him the old leopard/princess old things once mangustas delivered. I will order a chip fryer in each bedroom of yours and a branch of Macdonalds in mine.





Post Extras:

hlb
(regular)
Thu Nov 29 17:21:07 2001
Re: oops Creative Row at Tut Film Studio [re: matts] Edit Post Reply




Ah. I see. A new we'd nicked a few things off of Thi, in't war ot-th Roses. But near guessed that we'd nicked all o yer T's.

So Ok yer can have a few back.

And I hope Colin and Tut have a very fruitfull life, with loads of short people as well!!

Anyway poor Norman only asked if it was navigable.
Dont know what he'll make of this lot??

Haydn

Post Extras:

colin_maslen
(regular)
Mon Dec 3 22:41:58 2001
Some Musing's through the lock [re: hlb] Post Reply




Gently easing the huge boat into the the lock he manoevred her until she gently and softly carressed the locksides as he brought her to a careful stop. Pefectly positioned for Tut to step off. "No we don't do jumping on our boat do we darling", he reminded her. "I'll get the boat in the perfect postion for you, then you can can carefully step off without any danger of falling in". His massive boat, one of the largest on the river was almost 30 feet long. He idly thought the captain of the Titanic couldn't have moored up better, then thought better of it. "That bloody pillock couldn't miss an iceberg at 200 paces" he smiled thoughtfully to himself.

Stepping off the stern he took the stern rope with him and made fast to the perfectly positoned bollard.

"Sorry about that little mix up back there sweetheart, didn't see the mole and had to take avoiding action before hitting him. Hope we haven't upset the flower arrangement" he said.

"We?", shouted Tut, "what's this 'we' business? You were the one driving, wouldn't let me have a go"

He thought he detected a note of slight note of disapproval or even sarcasm in Tut's voice, but no it couldn't be. Then he reflected on the events of the day. "Hmm" he mused, "this is going to take some serious thinking about".

He carefully closed both lock gates and retrieved the lock key from the cockpit and wandered down to the work the paddles at the downstream end. As the water started to empty from the lock he considered things. "Something's bothering Tut" he decided, "she's definitely not right".

As the water continued to drain out of the lock, he idly watched a couple of Crested Grebes scrabbling around in the mud on the river bank. "I wonder what they're thinkng" he mused to himself "and do they ever have bad days too" he pondered.

Just then a movement off to his left made him turn and look closer at the far bank. "What was that? There's something going on over there", he thought quizzically. Before the thought could completely form in his mind he was wakened by Tut.

"Oi shithead" she shouted, "the bloody locks empty now. Are we staying here all night or are you going to get your arse in gear and shift this bloody boat or what?".

"Yes dear" he replied as he started to open the gates and thought to himself, "ah she's alright now, whatever it was that was bothering her is obviously OK now or perhaps I just imagined it after all. She's back to her normal loving old self" Another perfect afternoon lay ahead



Post Extras:

matts
(regular)
Tue Dec 4 08:47:39 2001
Re: much better. (nm) [re: colin_maslen] Post Reply




.



Post Extras:

normanwyatt
(regular)
Tue Dec 4 19:55:26 2001
Re: River Wissey [re: colin_maslen] Post Reply




Didn't think my simple request would result in so many replies. Though it did seem to lose the thread after the first few. Plan to have a look at Stoke Ferry in a few weeks.





Post Extras:

matts
(regular)
Tue Dec 4 21:25:17 2001
Re: The Rushes Look Good [re: normanwyatt] Post Reply






Have you sent off Your Stamped. SAE and cheque. Yet.

Haydn