Monday humour... 37 Truisms

BarryD

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Apologies if this is a repeat.

1) Moles are always smaller than you imagine.

2) At the end of every party there is always a fat girl crying.

3) One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your pint to toilet cycle get scynchronised with a complete stranger.

4) You've never quite sure whether its ok to eat green crisps.

5) Everyone who grew up in the 80's has entered the digits 55378008 or 0.7734 into a calculator.

6) Reading when your drunk is horrible.

7) Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly.

8) Your never quite sure whether its against the law or not to have a fire in your back garden.

9) Whatever your age the desire to make plastic dolls shag is almost impossible to resist.

10) Nobody ever dares make cup a soup in a bowl.

11) You never know where to look when eating an apple.

12) Its impossible to describe the smell of a wet cat.

13) Prodding a fire with a stick makes you feel manly.

14) Rummaging in an overgrown garden will always turn up a bouncy ball.

15) You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.

16) Everyone always remembers the day a dog ran into your school.

17) The most embarrassing thing you can do as schoolchild is to call your teacher mum or dad.

18) The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you at the first given opportunity.

19) Some days you see lots of people on crutches.

20) Every bloke has at some stage while taking a piss flushed half way through and then raced against the flush.

21) Old women with mobile phones look wrong!

22) Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a frisbee.

23) Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.

24) You never ever run out of salt.

25) Old ladies can eat more than you think.

26) You cant respect a man who carries a dog.

27) Theres no panic like the panic you momentarily feel when you you've gotten your hand or head stuck in something.

28) No one knows the origins of their metal coat hangers.

29) Despite constant warning you have never met anybody who has their arm broken by a swan.

30) The most painful household incident is wearing socks and stepping on an upturned plug.

31) People who don't drive slam car doors too hard

32) Youve turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of wood to specifically stir paint with.

33) Everyone had an uncle who tried to steal their nose.

34) Bricks are horrible to carry.

35) In every plate of chips there is a bad chip.

36) Triangle sandwiches taste better than square ones.

37) Beneath every floating balloon is a tearful child.

Barry D
 

Col

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Re: And another

For thousands of years, men have tried to understand the rules when
dealing with women.
Finally, this merit/demerit guide will help you to understand just how
it works. Remember, in the world of romance, one single rule applies:
Make the woman happy.
Do something she likes, and you get points.
Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted.
You don't get any points for doing something she expects.
Sorry, that's the way the game is played.

Here is a guide to the points system:

SIMPLE DUTIES
You make the bed..............................................+1
You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows.... 0
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets...................-1
You leave the toilet seat up..................................-5
You replace the toilet paper roll when it is empty............ 0
When the toilet paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex...-1
When the Kleenex runs out you use the next bathroom...........-2
You go out to buy her extra-light panty liners with wings.....+5
in the snow...................................................+8
but return with beer..........................................-5
and no liners.................................................-25
You check out a suspicious noise at night..................... 0
You check out a suspicious noise and it is nothing............ 0
You check out a suspicious noise and it is something..........+5
You pummel it with a six iron.................................+10
It's her cat..................................................-40

AT THE PARTY
You stay by her side the entire party......................... 0
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a
work colleague................................................-2
Named Tiffany.................................................-4
Tiffany is a dancer...........................................-10
With breast implants..........................................-18

HER BIRTHDAY
You remember her birthday..................................... 0
You buy a card and flowers.................................... 0
You take her out to dinner.................................... 0
You take her out to dinner and it's not a pub.................+1
Okay, it is a pub.............................................-2
And it's all-you-can-eat night................................-3
It's a pub, and it's all-you-can-eat night....................-10

A NIGHT OUT WITH THE BOYS
Go with a mate................................................ 0
The mate is happily married...................................+1
The mate is single............................................-7
Not for long - it's his buck's night..........................-10
He has a liking for Kings Cross establishments................-50

A NIGHT OUT WITH HER
You take her to a movie.......................................+2
You take her to a movie she likes.............................+4
You take her to a movie you hate..............................+6
You take her to a movie you like..............................-2
It's called Death Cop III.....................................-3
Which features Cyborgs that eat humans........................-9
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans.........-15

YOUR PHYSIQUE
You develop a noticeable beer gut..............................-15
You develop a noticeable beer gut & exercise to get rid of it..+10
You develop a noticeable beer gut and resort to loose jeans
and baggy Hawaiian shirts......................................-30
You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too."................-800

THE BIG QUESTION
She asks, "Does this dress make me look fat?"
You hesitate in responding...................................-10
You reply, "Where?"..........................................-35
You reply, "No, I think it's your arse"......................-100
Any other response...........................................-20

COMMUNICATION
When she wants to talk about a problem:
You listen, displaying a concerned expression..................0
You listen, for over 30 minutes................................+5
You relate to her problem and share a similar experience.......+50
You're mind wanders to the cricket and you suddenly hear her
saying "well, what do you think I should do?"..................-100
You have fallen asleep.........................................-200

ITS THAT TIME OF THE MONTH.......
You talk.....................................................-100
You don't talk...............................................-150
You spend time with her......................................-200
You don't spend time with her................................-500
You are seen to be enjoying yourself..........GAME OVER - YOU LOSE!!!
 

Robin2

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Re: And another

Does this mean Col has finally solved the greatest mystery of the universe - even more intractable than Fermats Last Theorem.

What is there left for man's intellect to roam over???
 

paulineb

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Re: And another

Nope. Not by a long shot. One of the biggest mysteries you have to fathom is when a woman is crying or obviously upset about something and he asks "What's wrong" and she says "Nothing" - then you have problems!

Pxx
 

Col

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Re: Or, how about?

A young brunette goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.
"Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me."
She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams. Everywhere she touches makes her scream.The doctor says,
"You're not really a brunette, are you?" She says
"No, I'm really a blonde".
"I thought so," he says. "You have a broken finger."
 

paulineb

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Well if you want to take that thought a stage further, why not save time and money by not fitting a toilet seat in the first place. Then you wouldn't have to waste time bending down - although you'd have a cold bot when it came to number 2s.

And if you wanted to save further time, you could wear and nappy or have a catheter fitted so you needn't stop whatever you're doing to go to the loo.

I mean, how lazy do you want to get? Do we need to go further ? ;-)

Pxx
 
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