N1KON
Active Member
ANYONE GOT ANY GOOD JOKES?
IF THEY NOT SUITABLE TO POST... PM ME
IF THEY NOT SUITABLE TO POST... PM ME
JOKES PLEASE
- Thread starter N1KON
- Start date
john_morris_uk
Well-Known Member
Why are you SHOUTING?
Good jokes - not so sure - but from your signature line you might appreciate:
I was briefing a mixed crew of servicemen all doing their Coastal Skipper Exam. As we went round the group they introduced themselves.
One said I"'m Squadron Leader xxxxx from Kinloss".
I said, "Is that near 'Kinell'?" and got a completely blank look. Total non recognition.
This is when I realised I was in for a difficult time with that particular candidate...
Which leads on to...
Whats is the motto of the RAF?
Ans. Why work on a Wednesday and spoil both week-ends?
Good jokes - not so sure - but from your signature line you might appreciate:
I was briefing a mixed crew of servicemen all doing their Coastal Skipper Exam. As we went round the group they introduced themselves.
One said I"'m Squadron Leader xxxxx from Kinloss".
I said, "Is that near 'Kinell'?" and got a completely blank look. Total non recognition.
This is when I realised I was in for a difficult time with that particular candidate...
Which leads on to...
Whats is the motto of the RAF?
Ans. Why work on a Wednesday and spoil both week-ends?
stevebirch2002
Well-Known Member
Did he f-in pass? Doubt it as he would have to stay awake for a complete day (not a well known trait in the RAF).
N1KON
Active Member
LOL good ones keep em coming people!
Plan_B
Well-Known Member
Are you 'crab' bashing Steve? .....
DD
DD
N1KON
Active Member
were you crab?
jollyjacktar
Well-Known Member
On being interviewed at the visitor section at an Australian Airport, the British visitor was asked "Do you have a criminal record?"
His reply was, "I didn't know you still needed one to get into Australia."
His reply was, "I didn't know you still needed one to get into Australia."
cliff
Well-Known Member
There was a male and a female whale swimming through the ocean. They were starving and hadn't eaten in days.
So the male says to the female, "I have an idea! We'll find one of those big ships, I'll go on one side and you go on the other. We'll blow water onto the ship and sink it. As the men jump off......whala, dinner!"
So she agrees, and they find themselves a ship. As planned, she goes on one side of the ship and him on the other. They begin to blow water onto the ship. As he explained, the men started jumping overboard. He went around eating them up and looks over and sees her just watching. He swims over and asks, "What are you doing? Why aren't you eating?"
And she says,"I told you before! I don't mind a good blow job every once in awhile, but I draw the line at swallowing seaman!"
+++++++++++++++
What do you call 3000 sailors setting off to sea?
1500 Couples
+++++++++++++++
You know what they say about being in the Navy...if you don't sleep on your back.... someone will.
+++++++++++++++
+++++++++++++++
A Sniper laid on the mound testing and adjusting his aim for what seemed an eternity; looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed. Driving his observer nuts.
Finally his exasperated partner says, "What's taking so long? Take the damn shot!"
The Sniper answers, "My Sergeant Major is up there watching me from the Barracks. I want to make this a perfect shot."
"Forget it, man! You don't stand a chance of hitting him from here!"
++++++++++++++
Start with a cage containing five monkeys. Inside the cage, hang a banana on a string and place a set of stairs under it. Before long, a monkey will go to the stairs and start to climb towards the banana. As soon as he touches the stairs, spray all of the other monkeys with cold water. After a while, another monkey makes an attempt with the same result - all the other monkeys are sprayed with cold water. Pretty soon, when another monkey tries to climb the stairs, the other monkeys will try to prevent it.
Now, put away the cold water. Remove one monkey from the cage and replace it with a new one. The new monkey sees the banana and wants to climb the stairs. To his surprise and horror, all of the other monkeys attack him. After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs, he will be assaulted.
Next, remove another of the original five monkeys and replace it with a new one. The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous newcomer takes part in the punishment with enthusiasm! Likewise, replace a third original monkey with a new one, then a fourth, then the fifth.
Every time the newest monkey takes to the stairs, he is attacked. Most of the monkeys that are beating him have no idea why they were not permitted to climb the stairs or why they are participating in the beating of the newest monkey.
After replacing all the original monkeys, none of the remaining monkeys have ever been sprayed with cold water. Nevertheless, no monkey ever again approaches the stairs to try for the banana.
Why not?
Because as far as they know that's the way it's always been done around here.
And that, my friends, is how Army policy begins.
+++++++++++++++
And finally, my favourite
A World War II Royal Air Force pilot is reminiscing before school children about his days in the air force.
"In 1942," he says, "the situation was really tough. The Germans had a very strong air force. I remember, " he continues, "one day I was protecting the bombers and suddenly, out of the clouds, these fokkers appeared.
(At this point, several of the children giggle.)
"I looked up, and right above me was one of them. I aimed at him and shot him down. They were swarming. I immediately realized that there was another fokker behind me."
At this instant the girls in the auditorium start to giggle and boys start to laugh. The teacher stands up and says, "I think I should point out that 'Fokker' was the name of the German-Dutch aircraft company."
"That's true," says the pilot, "but these fokkers were flying Messerschmitts."
--------------------
"Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity"
So the male says to the female, "I have an idea! We'll find one of those big ships, I'll go on one side and you go on the other. We'll blow water onto the ship and sink it. As the men jump off......whala, dinner!"
So she agrees, and they find themselves a ship. As planned, she goes on one side of the ship and him on the other. They begin to blow water onto the ship. As he explained, the men started jumping overboard. He went around eating them up and looks over and sees her just watching. He swims over and asks, "What are you doing? Why aren't you eating?"
And she says,"I told you before! I don't mind a good blow job every once in awhile, but I draw the line at swallowing seaman!"
+++++++++++++++
What do you call 3000 sailors setting off to sea?
1500 Couples
+++++++++++++++
You know what they say about being in the Navy...if you don't sleep on your back.... someone will.
+++++++++++++++
+++++++++++++++
A Sniper laid on the mound testing and adjusting his aim for what seemed an eternity; looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed. Driving his observer nuts.
Finally his exasperated partner says, "What's taking so long? Take the damn shot!"
The Sniper answers, "My Sergeant Major is up there watching me from the Barracks. I want to make this a perfect shot."
"Forget it, man! You don't stand a chance of hitting him from here!"
++++++++++++++
Start with a cage containing five monkeys. Inside the cage, hang a banana on a string and place a set of stairs under it. Before long, a monkey will go to the stairs and start to climb towards the banana. As soon as he touches the stairs, spray all of the other monkeys with cold water. After a while, another monkey makes an attempt with the same result - all the other monkeys are sprayed with cold water. Pretty soon, when another monkey tries to climb the stairs, the other monkeys will try to prevent it.
Now, put away the cold water. Remove one monkey from the cage and replace it with a new one. The new monkey sees the banana and wants to climb the stairs. To his surprise and horror, all of the other monkeys attack him. After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs, he will be assaulted.
Next, remove another of the original five monkeys and replace it with a new one. The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous newcomer takes part in the punishment with enthusiasm! Likewise, replace a third original monkey with a new one, then a fourth, then the fifth.
Every time the newest monkey takes to the stairs, he is attacked. Most of the monkeys that are beating him have no idea why they were not permitted to climb the stairs or why they are participating in the beating of the newest monkey.
After replacing all the original monkeys, none of the remaining monkeys have ever been sprayed with cold water. Nevertheless, no monkey ever again approaches the stairs to try for the banana.
Why not?
Because as far as they know that's the way it's always been done around here.
And that, my friends, is how Army policy begins.
+++++++++++++++
And finally, my favourite
A World War II Royal Air Force pilot is reminiscing before school children about his days in the air force.
"In 1942," he says, "the situation was really tough. The Germans had a very strong air force. I remember, " he continues, "one day I was protecting the bombers and suddenly, out of the clouds, these fokkers appeared.
(At this point, several of the children giggle.)
"I looked up, and right above me was one of them. I aimed at him and shot him down. They were swarming. I immediately realized that there was another fokker behind me."
At this instant the girls in the auditorium start to giggle and boys start to laugh. The teacher stands up and says, "I think I should point out that 'Fokker' was the name of the German-Dutch aircraft company."
"That's true," says the pilot, "but these fokkers were flying Messerschmitts."
--------------------
Cotillion
Well-Known Member
Found this in my Emails this morning
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.
"What are you doing?" She asked.
"Hunting Flies" He responded.
"Oh. Killing any?" She asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"
He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."
kim
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.
"What are you doing?" She asked.
"Hunting Flies" He responded.
"Oh. Killing any?" She asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"
He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."
kim
peteandthira
Well-Known Member
I'm not too happy with all this RAF bashing! All that rum, bum and baccy must have gone to your head!
I can't help it if I have a job that enables me to sleep most of the day and fly the odd jet! You should have done better at school!
Pops (current RAF snoozer!)
I can't help it if I have a job that enables me to sleep most of the day and fly the odd jet! You should have done better at school!
Pops (current RAF snoozer!)
Steve Clayton
Well-Known Member
I'm with you on this one, Pops /forums/images/graemlins/mad.gif
N1KON
Active Member
excellent! nice ones cliff!
nothing bad about inter service rivalry!
nothing bad about inter service rivalry!
peterb
Well-Known Member
During WWII, in the Western Desert they found themselves with plenty of guns, but not enough gunners. So they did a work study on the gun's operation. To their surprise, they found that one member of the crew did absolutely nothing during firing. On investigation, it was found that his job had been to hold the horses heads.
Someone did a similar job in the Admiralty. They noticed that when you entered the Admiralty building someone was posted to ensure that visitors kept to the right hand side. Investigation showed that the left hand wall had been painted in 1908, but that the job of warning people had never been stopped.
And one for the RAF. Probably the best example of lateral thinking that I know. During the war the RAF was losing a lot of aircraft and decided to install armour, but only where necessary. So they sent to the squadrons a plan of the aircraft, and asked them to mark on the plan any point where the plane had been damaged. After a month or so, they assembled the damage reports on to one diagram. Then they installed armour at all those points where no damage had been reported. Think about it!
Someone did a similar job in the Admiralty. They noticed that when you entered the Admiralty building someone was posted to ensure that visitors kept to the right hand side. Investigation showed that the left hand wall had been painted in 1908, but that the job of warning people had never been stopped.
And one for the RAF. Probably the best example of lateral thinking that I know. During the war the RAF was losing a lot of aircraft and decided to install armour, but only where necessary. So they sent to the squadrons a plan of the aircraft, and asked them to mark on the plan any point where the plane had been damaged. After a month or so, they assembled the damage reports on to one diagram. Then they installed armour at all those points where no damage had been reported. Think about it!
doris
Well-Known Member
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.
She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him
sitting at the kitchen
table with a cup of coffee in front him. He appears deep in thought, just
staring at the wall. She
watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee.
"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why
are you down here at this
time of night?"
The husband looks up, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and
you were only 17?" he asks solemnly.
The wife is touched thinking her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes,
I do," she replies.
The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. "Do you remember when
you father caught us in the back seat of my car?"
"Yes, I remember," says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continues..."Do you remember when he shoved a shotgun in my face and said, Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years".
"I remember that too", she replies softly.
He wipes another tear from his cheek and says... "I would have gotten out today!"
She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him
sitting at the kitchen
table with a cup of coffee in front him. He appears deep in thought, just
staring at the wall. She
watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee.
"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why
are you down here at this
time of night?"
The husband looks up, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and
you were only 17?" he asks solemnly.
The wife is touched thinking her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes,
I do," she replies.
The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. "Do you remember when
you father caught us in the back seat of my car?"
"Yes, I remember," says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continues..."Do you remember when he shoved a shotgun in my face and said, Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years".
"I remember that too", she replies softly.
He wipes another tear from his cheek and says... "I would have gotten out today!"
Rustyknight
Well-Known Member
George Bush is visiting the Queen of England.
He asks her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give me?"
"Well," says the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."
Bush frowns. "But how do I know the people around me are really intelligent?"
The Queen takes a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy. You just ask them to answer an intelligence riddle." The Queen pushes a button on her intercom. "Please send The Prime Minister in here, would you?"
Tony Blair walks into the room. "Your Majesty..."
The Queen smiles. "Answer me this, please, Tony. Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?"
Without pausing for a moment, Blair answers, "That would be me!"
"Yes! Very good!" says the Queen.
Back at the White House, Bush calls in his vice president, Dick Cheney.
"Dick, answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"
"I'm not sure," says the vice president. "Let me get back to you on that one."
Dick Cheney goes to his advisers and asks every one, but none can give him an answer. Finally, he ends up in the men's room and recognizes Colin Powell's shoes in the next stall.
Dick shouts, "Colin! Can you answer this for me? Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"
Colin Powell yells back, "That's easy. It's me!"
Dick Cheney smiles. "Thanks!"
Cheney goes back to the Oval Office and asks to speak with Bush.
"Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It's Colin Powell."
Bush gets up, stomps over to Dick Cheney, and angrily yells into his face,
"No, you idiot! It's Tony Blair!"
He asks her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give me?"
"Well," says the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."
Bush frowns. "But how do I know the people around me are really intelligent?"
The Queen takes a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy. You just ask them to answer an intelligence riddle." The Queen pushes a button on her intercom. "Please send The Prime Minister in here, would you?"
Tony Blair walks into the room. "Your Majesty..."
The Queen smiles. "Answer me this, please, Tony. Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?"
Without pausing for a moment, Blair answers, "That would be me!"
"Yes! Very good!" says the Queen.
Back at the White House, Bush calls in his vice president, Dick Cheney.
"Dick, answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"
"I'm not sure," says the vice president. "Let me get back to you on that one."
Dick Cheney goes to his advisers and asks every one, but none can give him an answer. Finally, he ends up in the men's room and recognizes Colin Powell's shoes in the next stall.
Dick shouts, "Colin! Can you answer this for me? Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"
Colin Powell yells back, "That's easy. It's me!"
Dick Cheney smiles. "Thanks!"
Cheney goes back to the Oval Office and asks to speak with Bush.
"Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It's Colin Powell."
Bush gets up, stomps over to Dick Cheney, and angrily yells into his face,
"No, you idiot! It's Tony Blair!"
adrianm
Well-Known Member
Problem with that joke is that Blair is as thick as Bush.
ShipsWoofy
Well-Known Member
Running totals
Grey funnel 4
Crab fats 4
Rock eggs 1
The army are getting away easy, Shirley someone knows some army bashing jokes.....
Grey funnel 4
Crab fats 4
Rock eggs 1
The army are getting away easy, Shirley someone knows some army bashing jokes.....
BrendanS
Well-Known Member
Re: Running totals
Thank you for calling the British Army. I'm sorry, but all our units are out at the moment, or are otherwise engaged. Please leave a message with your country, name of organisation, the region, the specific crisis and a number at which we can call you. As soon as we have sorted out Kosovo, Bosnia, Macedonia, Serbia, Iraq, Northern Ireland, Sierra Leone, The Congo, marching up and down bits of tarmac in London and compulsory health and safety at work training, we will return your call.
Please speak after the tone or, if you require more options, listen to the following numbers:
A. If your crisis is small and close to the sea, press 1 for the Royal Marines.
B If your concern is distant, with a tropical climate, good hotels and can be solved by one or two low-risk bombing runs, please press 2 for the Royal Air Force. (Please note that this service is not available after 1630 or weekends.)
C. If your enquiry concerns a situation which can be resolved by a warship, some bunting, flags, a damn good cocktail party and a first class marching band, please write, well in advance, to the First Sea Lord, The Royal Navy, Whitehall, London SW1.
================
Rank Recognition, Navy
ADMIRAL:
Leaps tall buildings with a single bound, is more powerful than a locomotive, is faster than a speeding bullet, walks on water amid typhoons, reviews policy with God.
CAPTAIN:
Leaps short buildings with a single bound, is more powerful than a switch engine, is just as fast as a speeding bullet, walks on water if sea is calm, talks to God.
COMMANDER:
Leaps short buildings with a running start and favorable winds, is almost as powerful as a switch engine, is faster than a speeding BB, walks on water in indoor swimming pool, talks to God only if a special request chit is approved.
LT. COMMANDER:
Barely clears Quonset hut, loses tug-of-war with switch-engine, can fire a speeding bullet, swims well, is occasionally addressed by God.
LIEUTENANT:
Makes high marks by trying to leap buildings, is run over by the locomotive, can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self injury, dog paddles, talks to animals.
LIEUTENANT jg:
Runs into buildings, recognizes locomotives two out of three times, is not issued ammunition, can stay afloat if properly instructed in the Mae-West, talks to bulkheads.
ENSIGN:
Falls over doorstep when trying to enter building, says look at the Choo-Choo, wets himself, plays in mud puddles, mumbles to himself.
CHIEF:
Lifts buildings and walks under them, kicks locomotives off the tracks, catches speeding bullets in his teeth and eats them, freezes water with a single glance, makes policy and enforces it,
HE IS GOD
=========================
A British officer spotted a "busker" (street singer/bum) at the
bottom of the escalator of the London Underground. The busker
had a sign which read: "VETERAN SOLDIER OF THE FALKLANDS WAR."
The officer thought, "Poor chap, I was there and it was awful!"
Feeling sorry for a fellow veteran, the officer took 20 pounds out of
his wallet and gave it to the busker. The officer was then greeted
with a hearty: "Gracias, Senor!!"
------------------------------
Look out, bit of a long one!
The True Story
(By Colonel W C Hall, printed in the British Army Journal January 1953.)
Rome, II Calends, April CCCLX
SUBJECT: Recommendation for Senate Medal of Honor
TO: Department of War, Republic of Rome
I. Recommend Caius Horatius, Captain of Foot, CMCMXIV, for the Senate Medal of Honor.
II. Captain Horatius has served XVI years, all honorable.
III. On the II day of March, during the attack on the city by Lars Porsena of Clausium and his Tuscan Army of CMX men, Captain Horatius, with Sergeant Sporius Laritus and Corporal Julius Herminius, held the entire Tuscan army at the far end of the bridge, until the structure could be destroyed, thereby saving the city.
IV. Captain Horatius did valiantly fight and kill one Major Picus of Clausium in individual combat.
V. The exemplary courage and the outstanding leadership of Captain Horatius are in the highest tradition of the Roman Army.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
JULIUS ANTINOUS,
Commander, II Foot Legion
Ist, Ind, AG IV Calends, April CCCLX
TO: G-III
For comment.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
G.C.
IInd Ind, G-III IX Calends, May CCC
TO: G-II
I. For comment and forwarding.
II. Change end of paragraph III from "saving the city" to "lessened the effectiveness of the enemy attack." The Roman Army was well dispersed tactically; the reserve has not been committed. The phrase as written might be construed to cast aspersions on our fine army.
III. Change paragraph V from "outstanding leadership" to read "commendable initiative." Captain Horatius's command was II men, only I/IV of a squad.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
J.D.
IIId Ind, G-II II Ides, June CCCLX
TO: G-I
I. Omit strength of Tuscan forces in paragraph III. This information is classified.
II. A report evaluated as B-II states that the officer was a Captain Picus of Tifernum. Recommend change to "an officer of the enemy forces."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
J.H.
IVth Ind, G-I IX Ides, January CCCLXI
TO: JAG
I. Full name is Caius Claudius Horatius.
II. Change service from XVI to XV years. One year in Romulus Chapter BPOE, has been given credit for military service in error.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
E.J.
Vth Ind, JAG II, February CCCLXI
TO: AG
I. The Porsena raid was not during wartime; the temple of Janus was closed.
II. The action against the Porsena raid, ipso facto, was a police action.
III. The Senate Medal of Honor cannot be awarded in peacetime (AB/CVIII-XXV, paragraph XII, C).
IV. Suggest consideration for Soldier's Medal.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
P.B.
VIth Ind, AF IV Calends, April CCCLXI
TO: G-I
Concur in paragraph IV, Vth Ind.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
L.J.
VIIth Ind, G-I I May CCCLXI
TO: AG
Soldier's medal is given for saving lives; suggest star of bronze as appropriate.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
E.J.
VIIIth Ind, JAG II Calends, June CCCLXI
TO: JAG
>For opinion.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
G.C.
IXth Ind, JAG II Calends, September CCCLXI
I. XVIII months have elapsed since event described in basic letter. Star of bronze cannot be awarded after XV months have elapsed.
II. Officer is eligible for Papyrus Scroll with Metal Pendant.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
P.B.
X Ind, AG I Calends, October CCCLXI
TO: G-I
For draft of citation for Papyrus Scroll with Metal Pendant.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
P.B.
XI Ind, G-I III Calends, October CCCLXI
TO: G-II
I. Do not concur.
II. Our currently fine relations with Tuscany would suffer and current delicate negotiations might be jeopardized if publicity were given to Captain Horatius' actions at this time.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
T.J.
XII Ind, G-II VI November CCCLXI
TO: G-I
A report rated D-IV, partially verified, states that Lars Porsena is very sensitive about the Horatius affair.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
E.T.
XIIIth Ind, G-I X November CCCLXI
TO: AG
I. In view of information contained in preceding XI and XIII the endorsements, you will prepare immediate orders of Captain C. C. Horatius to one of our overseas stations (remote).
II. His attention will be directed to paragraph XII, POM, which prohibits interviews or conversations with newsmen prior to arrival at final destination.
L.T.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Rome II Calends, I April CCCLXII
SUBJECT: Survey, Report of, Department of War
TO: Captain Caius Caius Horatius, III Legion, V Phalanx, APO XIX, C/O Postmaster, Rome.
I. Your statements concerning the loss of your shield and sword in the Tiber River of III March CCCLX have been carefully considered.
II. It is admitted that you were briefly in action against certain unfriendly elements on that day. However, Sergeant Lartius and Corporal Herminius were in the same action and did not lose any government property.
III. The Finance Officer has been directed to reduce your next pay by II-I/IV talents (I-III/IV talents cost on each sword, officers; III/IV talent cost of one each shield, M-II).
IV. You are enjoined and admonished to pay strict attention to conservation of government funds and property. The budget must be balanced next year.
H. MARCUS AURELIUS
Lieutenant of Horse
Survey Officer
Thank you for calling the British Army. I'm sorry, but all our units are out at the moment, or are otherwise engaged. Please leave a message with your country, name of organisation, the region, the specific crisis and a number at which we can call you. As soon as we have sorted out Kosovo, Bosnia, Macedonia, Serbia, Iraq, Northern Ireland, Sierra Leone, The Congo, marching up and down bits of tarmac in London and compulsory health and safety at work training, we will return your call.
Please speak after the tone or, if you require more options, listen to the following numbers:
A. If your crisis is small and close to the sea, press 1 for the Royal Marines.
B If your concern is distant, with a tropical climate, good hotels and can be solved by one or two low-risk bombing runs, please press 2 for the Royal Air Force. (Please note that this service is not available after 1630 or weekends.)
C. If your enquiry concerns a situation which can be resolved by a warship, some bunting, flags, a damn good cocktail party and a first class marching band, please write, well in advance, to the First Sea Lord, The Royal Navy, Whitehall, London SW1.
================
Rank Recognition, Navy
ADMIRAL:
Leaps tall buildings with a single bound, is more powerful than a locomotive, is faster than a speeding bullet, walks on water amid typhoons, reviews policy with God.
CAPTAIN:
Leaps short buildings with a single bound, is more powerful than a switch engine, is just as fast as a speeding bullet, walks on water if sea is calm, talks to God.
COMMANDER:
Leaps short buildings with a running start and favorable winds, is almost as powerful as a switch engine, is faster than a speeding BB, walks on water in indoor swimming pool, talks to God only if a special request chit is approved.
LT. COMMANDER:
Barely clears Quonset hut, loses tug-of-war with switch-engine, can fire a speeding bullet, swims well, is occasionally addressed by God.
LIEUTENANT:
Makes high marks by trying to leap buildings, is run over by the locomotive, can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self injury, dog paddles, talks to animals.
LIEUTENANT jg:
Runs into buildings, recognizes locomotives two out of three times, is not issued ammunition, can stay afloat if properly instructed in the Mae-West, talks to bulkheads.
ENSIGN:
Falls over doorstep when trying to enter building, says look at the Choo-Choo, wets himself, plays in mud puddles, mumbles to himself.
CHIEF:
Lifts buildings and walks under them, kicks locomotives off the tracks, catches speeding bullets in his teeth and eats them, freezes water with a single glance, makes policy and enforces it,
HE IS GOD
=========================
A British officer spotted a "busker" (street singer/bum) at the
bottom of the escalator of the London Underground. The busker
had a sign which read: "VETERAN SOLDIER OF THE FALKLANDS WAR."
The officer thought, "Poor chap, I was there and it was awful!"
Feeling sorry for a fellow veteran, the officer took 20 pounds out of
his wallet and gave it to the busker. The officer was then greeted
with a hearty: "Gracias, Senor!!"
------------------------------
Look out, bit of a long one!
The True Story
(By Colonel W C Hall, printed in the British Army Journal January 1953.)
Rome, II Calends, April CCCLX
SUBJECT: Recommendation for Senate Medal of Honor
TO: Department of War, Republic of Rome
I. Recommend Caius Horatius, Captain of Foot, CMCMXIV, for the Senate Medal of Honor.
II. Captain Horatius has served XVI years, all honorable.
III. On the II day of March, during the attack on the city by Lars Porsena of Clausium and his Tuscan Army of CMX men, Captain Horatius, with Sergeant Sporius Laritus and Corporal Julius Herminius, held the entire Tuscan army at the far end of the bridge, until the structure could be destroyed, thereby saving the city.
IV. Captain Horatius did valiantly fight and kill one Major Picus of Clausium in individual combat.
V. The exemplary courage and the outstanding leadership of Captain Horatius are in the highest tradition of the Roman Army.
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JULIUS ANTINOUS,
Commander, II Foot Legion
Ist, Ind, AG IV Calends, April CCCLX
TO: G-III
For comment.
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G.C.
IInd Ind, G-III IX Calends, May CCC
TO: G-II
I. For comment and forwarding.
II. Change end of paragraph III from "saving the city" to "lessened the effectiveness of the enemy attack." The Roman Army was well dispersed tactically; the reserve has not been committed. The phrase as written might be construed to cast aspersions on our fine army.
III. Change paragraph V from "outstanding leadership" to read "commendable initiative." Captain Horatius's command was II men, only I/IV of a squad.
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J.D.
IIId Ind, G-II II Ides, June CCCLX
TO: G-I
I. Omit strength of Tuscan forces in paragraph III. This information is classified.
II. A report evaluated as B-II states that the officer was a Captain Picus of Tifernum. Recommend change to "an officer of the enemy forces."
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J.H.
IVth Ind, G-I IX Ides, January CCCLXI
TO: JAG
I. Full name is Caius Claudius Horatius.
II. Change service from XVI to XV years. One year in Romulus Chapter BPOE, has been given credit for military service in error.
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E.J.
Vth Ind, JAG II, February CCCLXI
TO: AG
I. The Porsena raid was not during wartime; the temple of Janus was closed.
II. The action against the Porsena raid, ipso facto, was a police action.
III. The Senate Medal of Honor cannot be awarded in peacetime (AB/CVIII-XXV, paragraph XII, C).
IV. Suggest consideration for Soldier's Medal.
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P.B.
VIth Ind, AF IV Calends, April CCCLXI
TO: G-I
Concur in paragraph IV, Vth Ind.
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L.J.
VIIth Ind, G-I I May CCCLXI
TO: AG
Soldier's medal is given for saving lives; suggest star of bronze as appropriate.
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E.J.
VIIIth Ind, JAG II Calends, June CCCLXI
TO: JAG
>For opinion.
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G.C.
IXth Ind, JAG II Calends, September CCCLXI
I. XVIII months have elapsed since event described in basic letter. Star of bronze cannot be awarded after XV months have elapsed.
II. Officer is eligible for Papyrus Scroll with Metal Pendant.
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P.B.
X Ind, AG I Calends, October CCCLXI
TO: G-I
For draft of citation for Papyrus Scroll with Metal Pendant.
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P.B.
XI Ind, G-I III Calends, October CCCLXI
TO: G-II
I. Do not concur.
II. Our currently fine relations with Tuscany would suffer and current delicate negotiations might be jeopardized if publicity were given to Captain Horatius' actions at this time.
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T.J.
XII Ind, G-II VI November CCCLXI
TO: G-I
A report rated D-IV, partially verified, states that Lars Porsena is very sensitive about the Horatius affair.
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E.T.
XIIIth Ind, G-I X November CCCLXI
TO: AG
I. In view of information contained in preceding XI and XIII the endorsements, you will prepare immediate orders of Captain C. C. Horatius to one of our overseas stations (remote).
II. His attention will be directed to paragraph XII, POM, which prohibits interviews or conversations with newsmen prior to arrival at final destination.
L.T.
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Rome II Calends, I April CCCLXII
SUBJECT: Survey, Report of, Department of War
TO: Captain Caius Caius Horatius, III Legion, V Phalanx, APO XIX, C/O Postmaster, Rome.
I. Your statements concerning the loss of your shield and sword in the Tiber River of III March CCCLX have been carefully considered.
II. It is admitted that you were briefly in action against certain unfriendly elements on that day. However, Sergeant Lartius and Corporal Herminius were in the same action and did not lose any government property.
III. The Finance Officer has been directed to reduce your next pay by II-I/IV talents (I-III/IV talents cost on each sword, officers; III/IV talent cost of one each shield, M-II).
IV. You are enjoined and admonished to pay strict attention to conservation of government funds and property. The budget must be balanced next year.
H. MARCUS AURELIUS
Lieutenant of Horse
Survey Officer
BrendanS
Well-Known Member
Re: Running totals
Prince Harry Enters British Army, Invades France
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LONDON — Prince Harry, third in line to the British throne and stepson of butt-ugly Camilla Parker Bowles, has begun army officer training at the elite Royal Military Academy at Sandhurst.
After arriving with his father at the Old College training center west of London, Harry was issued his standard military kit, which included one toothbrush, one razor, one MK-5 assault boat, one Challenger 2 Main Battle Tank, and 3 condoms. Also included was a pair of standard issue black army boots, resulting in Harry’s giving his black Nazi storm trooper boots to his father for safekeeping.
Harry and his fellow recruits began basic training and immediately the Prince and six other cadets decided to invade France, launching assault boats from Dover and landing at Calais. After storming the beach to the terror of several French sunbathers, they proceeded to Paris by train, armed only with polo sticks and a single polypropylene fake rifle. But by evening French President, Jacques Chirac, had surrendered and fled to neighboring Germany. Harry immediately proclaimed himself King of France and declared war on Germany, issuing a written ultimatum to German Parliament:
“German Swine: You are disgrace to your Forefathers, with all your green this and green that, your soft labor laws, and your welfare state. Where is the Aryan pride in our Fatherland, the spirit that we can and will conquer all? Surrender now to the new Fuhrer, uniter of all Europe! Deutschland uber Alles!
Next, Harry ordered a beer and summoned his girlfriend, South African hottie, Chelsy Davy, to his palace to enjoy “the spoils of war and some royal romping.”
Prince Charles, vacationing in Scotland with his new bride, advised the Germans, “I think it would be wise to agree to Harry’s demands. He’s a bit dim witted but terribly determined.”
Prince Harry Enters British Army, Invades France
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
LONDON — Prince Harry, third in line to the British throne and stepson of butt-ugly Camilla Parker Bowles, has begun army officer training at the elite Royal Military Academy at Sandhurst.
After arriving with his father at the Old College training center west of London, Harry was issued his standard military kit, which included one toothbrush, one razor, one MK-5 assault boat, one Challenger 2 Main Battle Tank, and 3 condoms. Also included was a pair of standard issue black army boots, resulting in Harry’s giving his black Nazi storm trooper boots to his father for safekeeping.
Harry and his fellow recruits began basic training and immediately the Prince and six other cadets decided to invade France, launching assault boats from Dover and landing at Calais. After storming the beach to the terror of several French sunbathers, they proceeded to Paris by train, armed only with polo sticks and a single polypropylene fake rifle. But by evening French President, Jacques Chirac, had surrendered and fled to neighboring Germany. Harry immediately proclaimed himself King of France and declared war on Germany, issuing a written ultimatum to German Parliament:
“German Swine: You are disgrace to your Forefathers, with all your green this and green that, your soft labor laws, and your welfare state. Where is the Aryan pride in our Fatherland, the spirit that we can and will conquer all? Surrender now to the new Fuhrer, uniter of all Europe! Deutschland uber Alles!
Next, Harry ordered a beer and summoned his girlfriend, South African hottie, Chelsy Davy, to his palace to enjoy “the spoils of war and some royal romping.”
Prince Charles, vacationing in Scotland with his new bride, advised the Germans, “I think it would be wise to agree to Harry’s demands. He’s a bit dim witted but terribly determined.”
BrendanS
Well-Known Member
Re: Running totals
After the brief Falkland Islands war, a British regiment commander was addressing some troops under his command who had heroically performed above and beyond the call of duty. He informed them that Her Majesty's Army had committed to reward each of the three soldiers 100 pounds per inch of distance between two different parts of the man's body.
The commander addressed the first soldier, "Where would you like to be measured, Sergeant?" "From the tip of me head to the soles of me feet, Sir!" he replied. "Very good!," the commander said, and the sergeant was measured at 6'5." He was paid the handsome sum of 7000 pounds.
The second soldier was asked, "What about you, Corporal?" "Between the tips of the fingers of me outstretched arms, Sir!" the corporal said. "Very good!" replied the commander. The corporal, a man of considerable wingspan, was rewarded 8000 quid.
Finally, the last soldier was addressed. "And you, Private, where would you like measured?" "From the tip of me penis to the base of me balls, Sir!" retorted the private. The commander replied, "I must admit this is quite an unusual request, Private, but it's your decision." He ordered the private to drop his pants for the ensuing measurement. Immediately the general's mouth fell agape and he stammered, "Where in God's name are your gonads, Private?!!" The private proclaimed, "Goose Green, Falkland Islands, Sir!!"
/forums/images/graemlins/smile.gif
After the brief Falkland Islands war, a British regiment commander was addressing some troops under his command who had heroically performed above and beyond the call of duty. He informed them that Her Majesty's Army had committed to reward each of the three soldiers 100 pounds per inch of distance between two different parts of the man's body.
The commander addressed the first soldier, "Where would you like to be measured, Sergeant?" "From the tip of me head to the soles of me feet, Sir!" he replied. "Very good!," the commander said, and the sergeant was measured at 6'5." He was paid the handsome sum of 7000 pounds.
The second soldier was asked, "What about you, Corporal?" "Between the tips of the fingers of me outstretched arms, Sir!" the corporal said. "Very good!" replied the commander. The corporal, a man of considerable wingspan, was rewarded 8000 quid.
Finally, the last soldier was addressed. "And you, Private, where would you like measured?" "From the tip of me penis to the base of me balls, Sir!" retorted the private. The commander replied, "I must admit this is quite an unusual request, Private, but it's your decision." He ordered the private to drop his pants for the ensuing measurement. Immediately the general's mouth fell agape and he stammered, "Where in God's name are your gonads, Private?!!" The private proclaimed, "Goose Green, Falkland Islands, Sir!!"
/forums/images/graemlins/smile.gif
