Friday the 13th

Metabarca

Well-known member
Joined
23 Aug 2002
Messages
7,331
Location
Friuli Venezia Giulia
Visit site
Oh God, the Scots have gone maudlin!

ALL hail to Mr Claymore, he is a hero brave,
That has crossed the mighty Atlantic wave,
For what purpose let me pause and think-
I answer, to warn the people not to taste strong drink.

And, I'm sure, if they take his advice, they never will rue
The day they joined the Scuttlebut Navy in the year 1992;
And I hope to their colours they will always prove true,
And shout, Hurrah ! for Mr Claymore and Scuttlebut blues.

What is strong drink? Let me think-- I answer 'tis a thing
From whence the majority of evils spring,
And causes many a fireside with boisterous talk to ring,
And leaves behind it a deadly sting.

Some people do say it is good when taken in moderation,
But, when taken to excess, it leads to tribulation,
Also to osmosis and loss of triangulation,
Likewise your eternal soul's damnation.

The drunkard, he says he can't give it up,
For I must confess temptation's in the cup;
But he wishes to God it was banished from the land,
While he holds the cup in his trembling hand.

And he exclaims in the agony of his soul --
Oh, God, I cannot myself control
From this most accurs'd cup!
Oh, help me, God, to give it up!

Strong drink to the body can do no good;
It defiles the blood, likewise the food,
And causes the drunkard with pain to groan,
Because it extracts the marrow from the bone:

And hastens him on to a premature grave,
Because to the cup he is bound a slave;
For the temptation is hard to thole,
And by it he will lose his immortal soul.

The more's the pity, I must say,
That so many men and women are by it led astray,
And decoyed from the paths of virtue and led on to vice
By drinking too much alcohol and acting unwise.

Good people all, of every degree,
I pray, ye all be warned by me:
I advise ye all to pause and think,
And never more to taste strong drink.

Because the drunkard shall never inherit the kingdom of God
And whosoever God loves he chastens with his rod:
Therefore, be warned, and think in time,
And don't drink any more whisky, rum, or wine.

But go at once-- make no delay,
And join the Scuttlebut Navy without dismay,
And rally round Mr Claymore, and make a bold stand,
And help to drive the Bane of Society from our land.

I wish Mr Claymore every success,
Hoping he will make rapid progress;
And to the Scuttlebut Navy may he always prove true,
And adhere to his colours-- the beautiful blue.

William McGonagurgle



<hr width=100% size=1><A target="_blank" HREF=http://www.comoy.com/saillinks.html>http://www.comoy.com/saillinks.html</A>
 

claymore

Well-known member
Joined
18 Jun 2001
Messages
10,644
Location
In the far North
Visit site
Meta me wee pal

Are ye saying in yer last line that I can get masel' a blue ensign? Jings - Ah'd better get a few lessons frae Para on speaking wi a Morningside accent.

<hr width=100% size=1>regards
Claymore
/forums/images/icons/smile.gif
 

Twister_Ken

Well-known member
Joined
31 May 2001
Messages
27,584
Location
'ang on a mo, I'll just take some bearings
Visit site
Re: Captains Scams

It's rumoured way north of ra border, there are those
Lowlanders we must suppose
Who'd give up the Glens, most eager and willing
For deep fried Mars Bars wi' a glass o' 80 shilling.

Semi-sassenachs all, their lives full o' woe
Sold Satan their souls for shiny Beneteaux
Claim they're faithful to the auld alliance
While sailing around in a domestic appliance

Not for them haggis and Bonny Prince Charlie
Not for them God's own distillation of barley
They'd rather toast English Charlie's young Prince Willie
Wi' a nice chardonnay grown somewhere in Chile.

The day it is coming, it's coming for sure
When the sons of the Glens will hammer their door
Will tear down the roses that entwine their bower
And replace them instead wi' a great cauliflower.

Anon, but discovered under a bunk cushion aboard a boat with a conservatory





<hr width=100% size=1><A target="_blank" HREF=http://www.writeforweb.com/twister1>Let's Twist Again</A>
 

jimi

Well-known member
Joined
19 Dec 2001
Messages
28,660
Location
St Neots
Visit site
richt ..

Awa' doon the river in a boat sae wee,
That oot the windae ye couldnae see
Ah shouted tae the wee man at the back
Who wiz holding his heid wi' a malt grain attack
"See you mister!"
"Is that a Twister"
Aye says he
gang backwards is a mystery

<hr width=100% size=1>
 

ParaHandy

Active member
Joined
18 Nov 2001
Messages
5,210
Visit site
Madman sends a message to Claysie ...

B: Ooh! Mr. Claymore.
C: Leave me alone Baldrick. If I'd wanted to talk to a vegetable I'd have bought one at the market.
B: Well don't you want this message?
C: No thank you... God, I'm wasted here. It's no life for a man of noble blood being servant to a master with the intellect of a jugged walrus and all the social graces of a potty. I want to be remembered when I'm dead. I want books written about me. I want songs sung about me. And then hundreds of years from now I want episodes from my life to be played out weekly at half past nine by some great heroic actor of the age.
B: Yeah, and I could be played by some tiny tit in a beard.
C: Quite. Now, what's this message?
B: I thought you didn't want it?
C: Well I may do. It depends what it is.
B: So you do want it?
C: Well I don't know, do I? It depends what it is.
B: Well, I can't tell you unless you want to know, and you said you didn't want to know, and now I'm so confused I don't know where I live or what my name is.
C: Your name is of no importance and you live in the pipe in the upstairs water-closet. (looks at note) Oh God! Was the man who gave you this, by any chance, a red-headed lunatic with a kilt?
B: Yeah, and the funny thing was, he looked exactly like you.
C: My mad cousin Madman. The most dangerous man ever to wear a skirt in Europe.
B: Yeah, he come in here playing the bag-pipes, then he made a haggis, sang Auld Lang Sayne and punched me in the face.
C: Why?
B: Because I called him a knock-kneed Scottish pillock.
C: An unwise action, Baldrick, since Madman is a homicidal maniac.
B: My mother told me to stand up to homicidal maniacs.
C: Yes. If this is the same mother who confidently claimed that you were a tall handsome stallion of a man, I should treat her opinions with extreme caution.
B: I love my mum.
C: And I love chops and sauce but I don't seek their advice. I hate it when Madman turns up. He's such a frog-eyed, beetle-browed basket-case.
B: (in Claymore's ear) He's the spitting image of you.
C: No he's not. We're about as similar as two completely... dissimilar things in a pod. What's the old tartan throw-back banging on about this time? (reads) "Have come South for the rebellion." Oh God! Surprise, surprise... "Staying with Miggins. The time has come. Best sword and Scotland. Insurrection... Blood... Large bowl of porridge... Rightful claim to throne..." He's mad. He's mad. He's madder than Mad Jack McMad the winner of last year's Mr Madman competition.

......



<hr width=100% size=1>
 

tcm

...
Joined
11 Jan 2002
Messages
23,958
Location
Caribbean at the moment
Visit site
Re: There once was a Twister called Ken....

There once was a twister called Ken
Who went to his boat now and then
But the rig went all rusty
The saloon was all musty
So he traded it in for a Ben

<hr width=100% size=1>
 

jimi

Well-known member
Joined
19 Dec 2001
Messages
28,660
Location
St Neots
Visit site
Re: There once was a Twister called Ken....

There was a Twister called Ken,
Who had an awfie yen
for a boat that could sail
less like a pail
So got a Ben and changed his name to BenderKen

<hr width=100% size=1>
 

claymore

Well-known member
Joined
18 Jun 2001
Messages
10,644
Location
In the far North
Visit site
Re: There once was a Twister called Ken....

There once was a Twister called Ken,
Who commented now and again -
On the Scuttlebutt forum, without much decorum
Which brought howls from the owners of Bens.

<hr width=100% size=1>regards
Claymore
/forums/images/icons/smile.gif
 

tcm

...
Joined
11 Jan 2002
Messages
23,958
Location
Caribbean at the moment
Visit site
Re: There once was a jock called Claymore

There once was a jock called Claymore
Whose boat had a patio door
After howls of derision
at his tie (and the fishing)
he crept off to Lake Wind'mere's far shore


<hr width=100% size=1>
 

claymore

Well-known member
Joined
18 Jun 2001
Messages
10,644
Location
In the far North
Visit site
Re: There once was a jock called Claymore

There was a young stinkie called Matt
Who jumped from this forum to that
Whilst his mate Mr Preece, was sat in damp fleece
On his cat - that was Ellen's - not Matts.

<hr width=100% size=1>regards
Claymore
/forums/images/icons/smile.gif
 

Ohdrat

New member
Joined
8 Mar 2002
Messages
1,666
Location
h
Visit site
Re: Ye Gods!

Don't think any English GCE would cover this... if they did a GCE in Scottish Malts.. now there's an idea for the national curriculum/forums/images/icons/wink.gif

This rather looks like we will never see or hear from Clasie again.. whisked off to the lakes.. that's a fate worse than death at this time of year.. but talk of going out in style.. /forums/images/icons/laugh.gif

We could always send a rescue party.. wonder if Parahandy could co-ordinate this?

<hr width=100% size=1>
 

Bergman

New member
Joined
27 Nov 2002
Messages
3,787
Visit site
Re: Be afraid.....

Be very afraid

Drove into town this AM about 8 miles, on way back power steering pump seized solid.

SWMBO made me do the grass cutting as a penance (clearly the pump was my fault)

Managed to get garden tractor stuck in shrubbery on side of hill and needed 4WD (with no PS) to pull it out. Continued grass cutting - and had a puncture on tractor.

Tried hand mower - It had leaked all its oil onto garage floor - dunno why. Topped it up and managed to overfill it, ended cutting grass in self imposed fog.

Then had to clean up garage floor

In amongst all this called bank to set up a standing order and was treated to a circular tour of their call centre network before finding the business adviser who could do it for me. He was on holiday.

Plus the local cell-site appears to have gone down, with a voice-mail waiting for me and no way to access it. Almost certain to be a client who will not believe me when I am eventually able to ring.

Friday the 13th - you can keep it.



<hr width=100% size=1>
 

Twister_Ken

Well-known member
Joined
31 May 2001
Messages
27,584
Location
'ang on a mo, I'll just take some bearings
Visit site
Re: There once was a Twister called Ken....

There once was a Twister called Ken
A prince amongst all sailing men
He loved the true feel
Of a boat with a keel
Not the joke that hangs down from a Ben

<hr width=100% size=1><A target="_blank" HREF=http://www.writeforweb.com/twister1>Let's Twist Again</A>
 

cynthia

Member
Joined
16 May 2001
Messages
556
Visit site
Re: There once was a Twister called Ken....

There once was a Twister called Ken
Who loved Claysie just as a frien'
Cement boots 're no starter
Despite Kenneth's laughter
'cos Claysie knows t' back from t'front end! (of a boat of course!)

<hr width=100% size=1>
 

cynthia

Member
Joined
16 May 2001
Messages
556
Visit site
Re: Oi, Cynf!

Boat in Nazare (Stood up to some ruff weather in Biscay, mind you the parasol took a bit of a battering.) I'm in France to 25th when returning to UK for a bit of a holiday. Will pick boat up in Sept.

Good to see you're still on form!

LOL


<hr width=100% size=1>
 
Top