friday humour ... well ...

[ParaHandy]

Tony Blair is at his weekly meeting with The Queen, when he turns round and says: “As I’m the PM, I’m thinking of changing how the Country is referred to, and I’m thinking that it should be a Kingdom”,
to which the Queen replies, “I’m sorry Mr Blair, but to be a Kingdom, you have to have a King in charge ........ and you’re not a King.”

Tony Blair thought a while and then said: “How about a Principality then?”,
to which the Queen replied “Sorry again, but to be a Principality, you have to be a Prince - and you’re not a Prince, Mr Blair”.

Again, Blair thought long and hard and came up with “How about an Empire then?” The Queen, getting a little pissed off by now replied “Sorry again, Mr Blair, but to be an Empire you must have an Emperor in charge - and you are not an Emperor.”

Before Tony Blair could utter another word, The Queen said: “I think we’re doing quite nicely as a Country”.


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[jimi]

The Queen and the Pope are guests of honour at the England vs Ireland rugby Match.

Both are getting right into the feel of things and the Queen leans over to the Pope and says, "I bet I can make all the English People in the crowd cheer wildly with a simple hand gesture."

The Pope looks at her disbelievingly, so the Queen does her famous wave and all the English in the crowd cheer wildly as one.

The Pope leans over and says to the Queen, "That was nothing...I bet I can make all of the Irish in the crowd party wildly for a week with just the nod of my head."

The Queens says, "Well that is totally unbelievable - let's see."

A split second later the Pope headbutts her......


<hr width=100% size=1>O wad some Power the giftie gie us
To see oursels as ithers see us!

 

[ParaHandy]

Recipe: how to make love

Ingredients:
4 Laughing eyes
4 Well-shaped legs
4 Loving arms
2 Firm milk containers
2 Nuts
1 Fur-lined mixing bowl
1 Firm banana

Directions:
1. Look into laughing eyes.
2. Spread well-shaped legs with loving arms.
3. Squeeze and massage milk containers very gently.
4. Gently add firm banana to mixing bowl, working in and out until well creamed. For best results. Continue to knead milk containers.
5. As heat rises, plunge banana deep into mixing bowl and cover with nuts, leave to soak (preferably NOT overnight).
6. The cake is done when banana is soft. If banana does not soften, repeat steps 3-5 or change mixing bowls.

Notes:
1. If you are in an unfamiliar kitchen, wash utensils carefully before and after use.
2. Do not lick mixing bowl after use.
3. If cake rises, leave town.


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[Johnjo]

Now that did make me laugh !...



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[zefender]

Very useful thank you. Would it be better to give it a go with a Kenwood Chef first time round until you've got the hang of it before trying it out on your friends?

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[ParaHandy]

Re: Kray brothers recipe ...

weel zefender ... recipe aka GBH taken from McVitie's recipe book ... !!

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[BlueSkyNick]

THE LONELY LITTLE BRAIN CELL

Once upon a time there was a female brain cell, which by mistake
happened to end up in a man's head. She looked around
nervously, but it was all empty and quiet. Hello?" she cried, but no
answer.

"Is there anyone here?" she cried a little louder, but still no answer.

Now the female brain cell started to feel alone and scared and yelled at
the top of her voice "HELLO, IS THERE ANYONE HERE?"

Then she heard a faint voice from far, far away......................

"We're down here ...."

<hr width=100% size=1>The problem is that God gave men a brain and a penis but only enough blood to use one at a time.

 

[ChrisE]

Hmm.

The difference between a blue ensigned boat owner and a shopping trolley?

Both are happiest when full of food and drink, the shopping trolley has a mind of its own.

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[ParaHandy]

equal opportunity for all IT bods ...

A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window saying: “HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer.” A short time afterwards, a golden retriever dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined. Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he led him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager.
The manager said, “I can’t hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type.”
The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair.
The manager was stunned, but then told the dog, “The sign says you have to be good with a computer.”
The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to demonstrate his expertise with various programs and produced a sample spreadsheet and database and presented them to the manager. By this time the manager was totally dumbfounded! He looked at the dog and said, “I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I still can’t give you the job.”
The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the part about being an Equal Opportunity Employer.
The manager said, “Yes, but the sign also says that you have to be bilingual.”


The dog looked at him straight in the face and said, “Meow.”


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[BlueSkyNick]

Airline transcripts - (very long)

The following are transcripts of actual exchanges between airline pilots and control towers from around the world:

While taxiing, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. The irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming:
"US Air 2771, where are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C's and D's, but get it right!" Continuing her tirade to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God, you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"
"Yes ma'am," the humbled crew responded.
The ground control frequency went terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to engage the irate ground controller in her current state. Tension in every cockpit at LGA was running high. Then an unknown pilot broke the silence and asked,
"Wasn't I married to you once?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The controller working a busy pattern told the 727 on downwind to make a three-sixty (do a complete circle), a move normally used to provide spacing between aircraft. The pilot of the 727 complained, "Don't you know it costs us two thousand dollars to make even a one-eighty in this airplane?"
Without missing a beat the controller replied, "Roger, give me four thousand dollars' worth."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A DC-10 had an exceedingly long rollout after landing with his approach speed a little high. San Jose Tower: "American 751 heavy, turn right at the end of the runway, if able. If not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101 and make a right at the lights to return to the airport."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Unknown aircraft: "I'm f...ing bored!"
Air Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"
Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7."
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7 Did you copy that report from Eastern?"
Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern and we've already notified our caterers."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are a short-tempered lot They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign "Speedbird 206":

Speedbird 206: "Top of the morning, Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of the active runway."
Ground: "Guten Morgen. You vill taxi to your gate."
The big British Airways 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by a moment, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, haff you never flown to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): Yes, I have, actually, in 1944. In another type of Boeing, but just to drop something off. I didn't stop."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

O'Hare Approach Control: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one-o-clock, three miles, eastbound."
United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this...I've got that Fokker in sight."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A Pan Am 727 flight engineer waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German): Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice (in a beautiful British accent): "Because old boy you lost the bloody war

<hr width=100% size=1>The problem is that God gave men a brain and a penis but only enough blood to use one at a time.

 

[jimbouy]

And from London Underground

These are all actual tube (train) announcements: (from a variety of sources)

"I apologise for the delay to your journey this evening; this was caused by a [shouts very loudly] BLOODY STUPID WOMAN TRYING TO PULL THE DOORS OPEN AFTER THEY HAD CLOSED AND THEN CLINGING ONTO THE SIDE OF THE TRAIN."

"To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the second carriage, what part of 'stand clear of the doors' don't you understand?"

At Camden Town station (on a crowded Saturday afternoon): "Please let the passengers off the train first. Please let the passengers off the train first. Please let the passengers off the train first. Let the passengers off the train FIRST! Oh go on then, stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care, I'm going home."

Driver: "I apologise for the delay leaving the station ladies and gentlemen, this is due to a passenger masturbating on the train at Edgware Road. Someone has activated the alarm and he is being removed from the train."

"Ladies and Gentlemen, do you want the good news first or the bad news? The good news is that last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great time. I felt sadly let down by the fact that none of you sent me a card! I drive you to work and home each day and not even a card. The bad news is that there is a point's failure somewhere between Stratford and East Ham, which means that we probably won't reach our destination. We may have to stop and return. I won't reverse back up the line, simply get out, walk up the platform and go back to where we started. In the mean time if you get bored you can simply talk to the man in front or beside you or opposite you. Let me start you off: `Hi, my name's Gary how do you do?'"

"Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering from elbow and backside syndrome - not knowing his elbow from his backside. I'll let you know any further information as soon as I'm given any."

"Please mind the closing doors..." (The doors close...then reopen). "Passengers are reminded that the big red slidey things on the side of the train are called the doors. Let's try it again. Please stand clear of the doors." (The doors close.) "Thank you."

"I am sorry about the delay, apparently some nutter has just wondered into the tunnel at Euston. We don't know when we'll be moving again, but these people tend to come out pretty quickly...usually in bits."


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[Fill]

More airline announcements

After a rough landing, little old lady to stewardess, "Did we land or were we shot down?"

Usual safety briefing over oxygen masks, " put your own mask on before you put on the mask of any child you are travelling with, and if you are travelling with 2 children now would be an awfully good time to decide which one you love the most"

ON a slow Sunday afternoon and after about 30 minutes of a Japanese Airlines plane doing almost the exact opposite of everything the controller asked,eg "JAL 960 you have turned left onto 090, please turn right onto 270" they finally landed. Deep south American voice says "How the **** did those guys ever find pearl harbour?"

Fill

Just cos a ship's got windows doesn't mean anyone's looking out of them.

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[AlanPound]

On a beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere, the following people are stranded:

2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman
2 french men and 1 french woman
2 German men and 1 German woman
2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman
2 English men and 1 English woman
2 Polish men and 1 Polish woman
2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman
2 American men and 1 American woman
2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman
2 Australian men and 1 Australian woman
2 Welsh men and 1 Welsh woman

One month later, the following things have occurred:

One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.

The two french men and the french woman are living happily together as a threesome and having loads of sex.

The two German men have a strict weekly schedule when they alternate with the German woman who has twisted some palm fronds into strands for making ropes and whips.

The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning, cooking and ironing for them.

The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.

The Polish men took a long look at the endless shark infested ocean and then a look at the Polish woman.......and started swimming.

The two American men are contemplating the virtues of suicide, while the American woman keeps on bitching about her body being her own, the true nature of feminism, how she can do everything that they can do, the equal division of household chores, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her much nicer and how her relationship with her mother is improving.

The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are waiting for instructions.

The two Irish men divided the island into North and South and have each set up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is an alternative because it gets sort of foggy after the first few litres of coconut whiskey but they know they are happy that the English aren't getting any.

The two Australian men got drunk and beat each other senseless fighting over the Australian woman, who in turn, is checking out all the other men, sure that she can do better than 'Bloody Australian W*nk*rs!'

Both Welsh men have disregarded the Welsh woman and are searching the island for sheep.


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[themount2]

I don't know which of you to respond to so I've decided on Parahandy for kicking it off.
Thanks guys, loads of larfs, really cheered up a sh#te evening.
Makes a change from reading all this serious boaty stuff!!!!!
Keep up the good work
Brian

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[drawp]

Nice one, Pat

At a world brewing convention in the States, the CEOs of various brewing
organisations retired to the bar at the end of each day's conferencing.

Bruce, CEO of Fosters, shouted to the Barman: "In 'Strailya, we make the
best bloody beer in the world, so pour me a Fosters, mate."

Bob, CEO of Budweiser calls out next: "In the States, we brew the finest
beers of the world, and I make the king of them all - gimme a Bud."

Hans steps up next: "In Germany ve invented das beer. Give me ein Becks,
der real King of beers."

Paddy, CEO of Guinness, steps forward: "Barman, give me a diet coke with
ice and lemon. please."

The others stare at him in stunned silence, amazement written all over
their faces.

Eventually Bruce asks: "Are you not going to have a Guinness, Pat?"

Paddy replies "Well, if you poofs aren't drinkin', then neither am I



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