Doctor, doctor.... nb

[snowleopard]

son-in-law gets his D Phil tomorrow.

doctor jokes urgently needed (preferably where the doctor is the butt of the jokes). don't let me down peeps.

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[stevebrassett]

Here's a variation on an accountant joke...

Animal research companies are now using newly-qualified doctors instead of rats.
They are easier to come by, and the researchers don't get attached to them.

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[jhr]

How many doctors does it take to wallpaper a room?

One - if you slice him thinly enough................

<hr width=100% size=1>Je suis Marxiste - tendance Groucho

 

[andymcp]

Hello. Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline

If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.

If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.

If you are anxious, just start pressing numbers at random.

If you are phobic, don't press anything.

If you are anal retentive, please hold.

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[Vara]

What have you got if you have three<font color=red>(insert any group of people)</font color=red>up to their necks in sand?



Not enough sand,

Boom Boom

<hr width=100% size=1>If it cant be fixed with a lump hammer don't fit it

 

[jhr]

The oldest of the lot:

Doctor (holding syringe) to patient: "Don't worry; it's just a little prick with a needle"

Patient: "I know, Doctor, but what are you going to do with it"?

<hr width=100% size=1>Je suis Marxiste - tendance Groucho

 

[jhr]

Another variation on a theme...

What do you say to a PhD who's just got his first job?

- "I'll have a Big Mac and Fries, please"



I must stop this..............

<hr width=100% size=1>Je suis Marxiste - tendance Groucho

 

[StugeronSteve]

Re: Another variation on a theme...

Collective noun for a group of PhDs.... Fistful?

<hr width=100% size=1>Think I'll draw some little rabbits on my head, from a distance they might be mistaken for hairs.<P ID="edit"><FONT SIZE=-1>Edited by StugeronSteve on 26/11/2004 17:23 (server time).</FONT></P>

 

[KevB]

Doctor: "I've got very bad news - you've got cancer and Alzheimer's"
Patient: "Well, at least I don't have cancer"



<hr width=100% size=1><A target="_blank" HREF=http://static.photobox.co.uk/public/images/45/99/10714599.s.jpg?ch=97&rr=16:00:39>Nirvana</A>

 

[jhr]

Re: Another variation on a theme...

/forums/images/icons/laugh.gif

Collective term for a group of Bankers - a wunch?

<hr width=100% size=1>Je suis Marxiste - tendance Groucho

 

[Evadne]

How many doctors does it take to change a light bulb?

1) Only one, but you need an anaesthetist to switch the light off, a radiologist to tell him which holder to stick it in, a nurse to hand him the new bulb, a physio to switch it back on and a psychyatrist to counsel the lighting system until it is fully recovered.

2) None, all you need is a hospital manager to tell him he can't change it here, we'll ship it to France where they do these things much more cheaply.

(Variation on an old one, from memory so maybe not as good as the original): A man in a hot-air ballon is lost in fog, so he descends to within 15 feet of the ground where he sees a pedestrian. "I say", he calls, "Can you tell me where I am?"
"Yes." comes the reply "You're in a balloon fifteen feet off the ground."
" You must be a doctor." Says the man in the balloon.
"Good heavens, how did you guess?"
"Well the diagnosis was factually correct but completely unhelpful and uninformative. I am never going to find my way home with your help." replied the man in the balloon.
"You must be a hospital manager." said the man on the ground.
"Good heavens, how did you guess that?" said the man in the balloon.
"Well you don't know where you are or where you're going, but now you've found me, it's my fault."


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[pvb]

Michael Jackson and his wife are in the recovery room with their new baby son.

The doctor walks in and Michael asks: "Doctor, how long before we can have sex?"

The doctor replies, "I'd wait until he's at least 14."


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[Cutter]

"Doctor - is that an anal thermometer in your pocket?"
"Oh ****, some bums got my pencil....

or the doctors go duck shooting
1st up at the butt is the GP. Duck flies over. GP looks at duck aand says " Ithink its a duck but I'd better ask for a second opinion". By then the duck has flown over.

2nd up is the physician. Duck flies over. Physician thinks - it looks like a duck but it could just be a Fredericks ring necked long tailed bigbobbin. We'd better run some tests. The bird flies on.

3rd up is the psychiatrist. Same scenario. He muses " It looks like a duck, but does it KNOW its a duck?" and the bird flies over.

4th up is the surgeon. There is a speck in the distance. BANG BANG goes the gun, down comes the bird. The surgeon turns to the pathologist. " I say, was that a duck?"


Better when told.


Good luck.


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[JonJon]

'Doctor, Where shall I put my clothes?'

'Over here next to mine'



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[Rabbie]

Oh I don't know!
Patient - 'Doctor, I keep thinking I'm a pair of curtains'
Doctor, ' Don't be silly. Pull yourself together man'.

<hr width=100% size=1>A day not spent on my boat is a day in my life wasted.

 

[crazyuncle]

Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a moth.
What you need is a psychiatrist, why did you come to me?
Well, I was passing and your light was on.

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[Kawasaki]

How about the Dextrous Gyneacologist, "Papered his hall through the letter box"!

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[floatything]

An old sailor goes to the doctor.. "I've some rather bad news" says the Doc - (philosophically /forums/images/icons/wink.gif) "You have cancer and alzheimer's disease."

"Well at least I don't have cancer" replies the sailor.



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[mirabriani]

"Doctor, I keep thinking I am Tom Jones"

Doctor "It's not unusual"



"Doctor, sometimes I think I am a teepee
sometimes I think I am a wigwam"

Doctor "Your trouble is you are too tense"


"Doctor, people keep ignoring me"

Doctor "Next"



Regards Briani

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[Rabbie]

Doctor, Doctor I've broke my arm in two places
Well don't go back there again then!

Doctor, Doctor I think I'm a dog.
How long have you felt like this?
Ever since I was a puppy

Doctor, doctor my sister here keeps thinking she's invisible!
What sister?

Doctor, Doctor Can I have second opinion?
Of course, come back tomorrow!

Doctor, Doctor you have to help me out!
Certainly, which way did you come in?

Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm God
When did this start?
Well first I created the sun, then the earth...

Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I?m invisible
Who said that?



<hr width=100% size=1>A day not spent on my boat is a day in my life wasted.