Divorce Safety Question

[robmurray]

Unfortunately I have had to divorce my crew / wife. It has all turned rather sour and she is trying to insist that, whenever I have our daughters (5 and 7) on board, I have to have another RYA Day Skipper on board in case I become incapacitated. The Yacht is a Sweden Yacht 45 with full safety kit. I am very experienced with over 20k miles as skipper, YachtMaster, etc. The worst injury I have had in 24 years is a cut toe. My new crew / partner is not a Day Skipper but has helmed commercial dive boats many times. She could easily get the boat to safety.

I am arguing that this is totally un-necessary and will effectively stop me from sailing with my daughters (who love it) because I will have to pay for a second skipper to be on board every weekend and holiday.

Am I being unreasonable? If not are there any useful sources of information that I could use to bolster my case?

Many thanks!

 

[Big Andy]

IMHO I'd incourage my new partner to do the Day Skipper course, it's fun, not to difficult and could be useful in the future.

 

[newtothis]

I am arguing that this is totally un-necessary and will effectively stop me from sailing with my daughters (who love it) because I will have to pay for a second skipper to be on board every weekend and holiday.

Why pay? I'm sure there are plenty of people like me who are DS/YM qualified and would happily go for a free sail on a nice boat without getting paid for it. That works serum to satisfy her requirement, unless she wants commercial endorsement.
Try boat buddy for a start.

 

[Gerry]

So get your new crew/partner to take their Day Skipper qualification. It's not a difficult one and will avoid any further issues with perceived safety. Quite honestly it will be far cheaper than any legal argument!

 

[MoodySabre]

Obtain a letter of reference from the dive boat skipper outlining her experience and abilities. Helming a dive boat is not the same as skippering a yacht under sail with an injured owner though. Your ex's concern is for the safety of the children and if you are to remain amicable about access then you need to address her not unreasonable worries.

 

[RichardS]

So get your new crew/partner to take their Day Skipper qualification. It's not a difficult one and will avoid any further issues with perceived safety. Quite honestly it will be far cheaper than any legal argument!

+1

But, that is such an obvious and cheap solution, and not unreasonable with such young children, that I'm thinking that I must be missing something.

Richard

 

[Colvic Watson]

Bad news for the op I'm afraid. If you solve this issue then the underlying issues from your ex will simply manifest themselves in other access problems. You have three options:

1. Get all your money and all your ex's money, pile it up in a heap and set fire to it
2. Employ lawyers to argue the all the issues and draw up agreements and court orders
3. Go for a shed load of mediation and family therapy with your ex and work out how to do this new form of family. The first two will cost you all your money, the second all your pride.

 

[aquaplane]

If you do as she insists there will be another problem/excuse that you can't see your kids.

I hope I'm wrong but it's the way it worked in my situation.

 

[GrahamD]

I don't think it is unreasonable to ask that there is another competent adult on board and one of the easiest ways of assuring this is to specify a level of qualification. It could have been worse, with a boat like yours the demand could have been for another Yachtmaster on board.

With her experience, it is probable that your new partner could get Day Skipper without too much difficulty. In the meantime could get someone else with an appropriate qualification

I would try to put the negative emotions and hurt feelings aside and focus on the really important issue, which is that you and the children continue to have really good contact, which they will treasure, with a minimum of acrimony between their mum and dad.

 

[doug748]

Ship one of the girls in from this lot:

http://www.crewbay.com/find-crew/Deckhand

And see how the old missus deals with that.

 

[[3889]]

Unfortunately I have had to divorce my crew / wife. It has all turned rather sour and she is trying to insist that, whenever I have our daughters (5 and 7) on board, I have to have another RYA Day Skipper on board in case I become incapacitated. The Yacht is a Sweden Yacht 45 with full safety kit. I am very experienced with over 20k miles as skipper, YachtMaster, etc. The worst injury I have had in 24 years is a cut toe. My new crew / partner is not a Day Skipper but has helmed commercial dive boats many times. She could easily get the boat to safety.

I am arguing that this is totally un-necessary and will effectively stop me from sailing with my daughters (who love it) because I will have to pay for a second skipper to be on board every weekend and holiday.

Am I being unreasonable? If not are there any useful sources of information that I could use to bolster my case?

Many thanks!

I suppose you could stipulate that she has a another driver in her car whenever she travels with the children, based on similar criteria. Or does that seem absurd?
Have to agree that getting your OH to do DS may be a less fraught solution, providing the obstructive demands stop there.

 

[gertha]

From the argument presented; divorce is the better option. A separation and chance to move on at "what ever cost".

When you are legaly separated , in a year or two, I would guess that no one will know or care who is crew.

Best you find a copy of Monty Python , Life of Brian and play , Always look on the bright side.
One of the lyrics.
Life is full of sh1t and then you get over it.

It is sad that this forum is dominated with a minority of forumites with many K of entries who will not alow the humble majority to put a word in edgewise .

 

[Babylon]

No-one here knows who or what sort of person the children's mother is, so no-one can impute her future actions.

Make life easy for yourself by acknowledging that she's not being unreasonable regarding the safety of your relatively young children, ensure your new woman/crew is up to the job of taking over if you're out of action at sea, and this should re-assure the mother.

If she does go on to find other excuses to restrict contact, then you'll have to draw the line somewhere.

The courts won't want to wade into the minute detail of how you or she ensure the children's safety and welfare when in your respective care, but if it does come to that then you'll be able to demonstrate that you've taken all steps to ensure this.

Most ex's eventually get on with their own lives - I'm sure your's will - but try to keep the whole thing as reasonable and fair as possible for as long as possible.

Hope this helps.

Jon

 

[RichardS]

It is sad that this forum is dominated with a minority of forumites with many K of entries who will not alow the humble majority to put a word in edgewise .

Richard

 

[RichardS]

I suppose you could stipulate that she has a another driver in her car whenever she travels with the children, based on similar criteria. Or does that seem absurd?

Definitely veering that way I'd say. If you feel ill etc. whilst driving a car all you have to do is stop driving.

Richard

 

[prv]

Your ex's concern is for the safety of the children

Obviously I'm jumping to a huge conclusion knowing nothing about any of these people - but I suspect her concern is more along the lines of exerting control and causing embuggerance. I would expect someone genuinely concerned about safety to simply veto the whole activity.

Pete

 

[Triassic]

Was your ex a qualified DS? If not where were her concerns when the pair of you went sailing with the then younger children?

 

[Sybarite]

Ship one of the girls in from this lot:

http://www.crewbay.com/find-crew/Deckhand

And see how the old missus deals with that.

Or you could choose the 33 yo Chilean mustache who would like to be a hostess....

 

[Sybarite]

From the argument presented; divorce is the better option. A separation and chance to move on at "what ever cost".

When you are legaly separated , in a year or two, I would guess that no one will know or care who is crew.

Best you find a copy of Monty Python , Life of Brian and play , Always look on the bright side.
One of the lyrics.
Life is full of sh1t and then you get over it.

It is sad that this forum is dominated with a minority of forumites with many K of entries who will not alow the humble majority to put a word in edgewise .

Well Gertha as a newbie you really want to make an impression on joining....

No matter how silly.

 

[robmurray]

Thanks all for your comments.
To answer one question from Triassic, the hypocritical thing is that the ex could not have brought the boat home safely. No matter how many times I encouraged her to do her Day Skipper, she never got round to it. It is only an issue now she is jilted and new crew on the scene!