A friday funny ??

[LittleShip]

Almost to do with boats as well /forums/images/icons/smile.gif

A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said,
"Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened,
you look terrible!"

"What do you mean? I'm fine."

"What about that wooden leg? You didn't have that
before."

"Well," said the pirate, "we were in a battle at sea
and a cannon ball hit my leg, but the Doc fixed me up,
and I'm fine, really."

"Oh yeah? Well what about that hook? The last time I
saw you, you had both hands."

Well, we were in another battle and we boarded the
enemy ship. I was in a sword fight and my hand was
cut off, but the Doc fixed me up with the hook, and I
feel great, really."

"Oh," said the bartender, "what about that eye patch?
The last time you were in here you had both eyes."

"One day when we were at sea some birds were flying
over the ship. I looked up and one of them crapped in
my eye."

"You're kidding," said the bartender, "you couldn't
have lost an eye just from some bird crap!"

<font color=blue>"It was my first day with the hook."</font color=blue>

Have a good week end /forums/images/icons/wink.gif

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I wish I'd been born rich instead of good looking ?

 

[Clive_Rigden]

Bloody good!

Yhat'll be round SIBS by the end of the week-end . . .

<hr width=100% size=1>Khyber

 

[Goodge]

A day in the life at the etch-a-sketch help desk...

1 Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has all of these funny little lines all over the screen.
A: Pick it up and shake it.
2 Q: How do I turn my Etch-A-Sketch off?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
3 Q: What's the shortcut for Undo?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
4 Q: How do I create a New Document window?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
5 Q: How do I set the background and foreground to the same color?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
6 Q: What is the proper procedure for rebooting my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
7 Q: How do I delete a document on my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
8 Q: How do I save my Etch-A-Sketch document?
A: Don't shake it.


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[Nickel]

That's highly reminiscent of every other help desk I've ever contacted! /forums/images/icons/mad.gif

<hr width=100% size=1>Nickel

Being paranoid simply means - having all the facts.

 

[Althorne]

Nice one Nickel.

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[Goodge]

ODE TO A SPELL CHECKER

I have a spelling checker.
It came with my PC.
It plane lee marks four my revue
Miss steaks aye can knot sea.

Eye ran this poem threw it,
Your sure reel glad two no.
Its vary polished in it's weigh.
My checker tolled me sew.

A checker is a bless sing.
It freeze yew lodes of thyme.
It helps me right awl stiles two reed,
And aides me when aye rime.

Each frays come posed up on my screen
Eye trussed too be a joule.
The checker pours o'er every word
To cheque sum spelling rule.

Bee fore a veiling checker's
Hour spelling mite decline,
And if we're lacks oar have a laps,
We wood bee maid to wine.

Butt now bee cause my spelling
Is checked with such grate flare,
Their are know fault's with in my cite,
Of nun eye am a wear.

Now spelling does knot phase me,
it does knot bring a tier.
My pay purrs awl due glad den
With wrapped word's fare as hear.

To rite with care is quite a feet
Of witch won should bee proud,
And wee mussed dew the best wee can,
Sew flaw's are knot aloud.

Sow ewe can sea why aye dew prays
Such soft wear four pea seas,
And why eye brake in two averse
Buy righting want too pleas.



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[StugeronSteve]

/forums/images/icons/smile.gif

<hr width=100% size=1>Think I'll draw some little rabbits on my head, from a distance they might be mistaken for hairs.

 

[Cheeky Girl]

Excellent /forums/images/icons/smile.gif

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[Beagle]

lucky frog

A man takes the day off work and
decides to go out golfing.
He is on the second hole when he
notices a frog sitting next to
the green.
He thinks nothing of it and is
about to shoot when he
hears, Ribbit 9 Iron."

The man looks around and doesn't
see anyone. Again, he
hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron." He looks
at the frog and decides to
prove the frog wrong, puts the
club away, and grabs a 9 iron.

Boom!
He hits it 10 inches from the
cup. He is shocked. He says
to the frog, "Wow that's amazing.

You must be a lucky frog, eh?

The frog replies, "Ribbit Lucky frog."
The man decides to take the frog
with him to the next hole.
"What do you think frog?" the
man asks. "Ribbit 3 wood."

The guy takes out a 3 wood and,
Boom! Hole in one. The
man is befuddled and doesn't know
what to say. By the end
of the day, the man golfed the
best game of golf in his life and
asks the frog, "OK where to next?"
The frog replies, "Ribbit Las Vegas.

" They go to Las Vegas
and the guy says, "OK frog, now
what?" The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette." Upon
approaching the roulette table, The man
asks, "What do you think I should
bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit
$3000, black 6."

Now, this is a
million-to-one shot to win, but
after the golf game the man
figures what the heck.
Boom!
Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table.

The man takes his winnings and
buys the best room in the
hotel. He sits the frog down and
says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you.
You've won me all this money and
I am forever grateful."
The frog replies,

"Ribbit Kiss Me." He figures why not,
since after all the frog did for
him, he deserves it. With a
kiss, the frog turns into a
gorgeous 15-year-old girl. "And that,

your honor, is how the girl
ended up in my room. So help me God


or my name is not William Jefferson Clinton."


<hr width=100% size=1>Climate is what you expect, weather is what you get

 

[maxi]

That made me smile on a Friday ~ nice one.

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[Rigger]

With apologies to all Irishmen:-
One day an Irishman who had been stranded on a

deserted island for over 10 years, saw a speck on the

horizon. He thought to himself, "It's certainly not a ship."

And, as the speck got closer and closer, he began to

rule out the possibilities of a small boat and even a raft.

Suddenly there emerged from the surf a wet-suited black

clad figure. Putting aside the scuba gear and the top of

the wet suit, there stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde!

The glamorous blonde strode up to the stunned

Irishman and said to him, "Tell me, how long has it been

since you've had a cigarette?"



"Ten years," replied the amazed Irishman.



With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproofed

pocket on the left sleeve or her wetsuit, and pulled out a

fresh pack of cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, and takes

a long drag. "Faith and begorrah," said the man, "that is

so good I'd almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!"



"And how long has it been since you've had a drop of

good Irish whiskey?" asked the blonde. Trembling, the

castaway replied, "Ten years."



Hearing that, the blonde reaches over to her right sleeve,

unzips a pocket, removes a flask and hands it to him.



He opened the flask and took a long drink. "'Tis nectar of the

Gods!" stated the Irishman. "'Tis truly fantastic!!!"



At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip

the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle. She

looked at the trembling man and asked, "And how long has it been since

you played around?"



With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and

sobbed, "Sweet Jesus! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs


in there too!!!!"



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[Nickel]

Three Irishmen and three Englishmen are going to a conference. They meet at the railway station, and while the three Englishmen buy three tickets, the three Irishmen, buy only one.

'Hey,' say the Englishmen, 'How you going to get away with that?'
'Just watch and learn.' Reply the Irishmen.

As the train pulls away the Irsihmen descend on the train loo and lock themselves in. The ticket inspector comes along and takes the Englishmen's tickets. He then goes to the toilet, bangs on the door and says, 'Tickets please!'

The door opens a crack, one hand comes out brandishing one ticket. The ticket inspector takes the ticket and wanders off happily.

At the end of the journey the Englishmen say, 'that's pretty impressive - I liked that trick, we'll do that on the way back.'

True to form, on the return journey, the Englishmen buy only one ticket. This time, though, the three Irishmen buy none.

'Hey,' say the Englishmen, 'How you going to get away with that?'
'Just watch and learn.' Reply the Irishmen.

As the train pulls away the three Englishen descend on the train loo and lock themselves in. The three Irishmen descend on the loo opposite, but just before locking themselves in, they bang on the door opposite and say, 'Tickets please!'

...

<hr width=100% size=1>Nickel

Being paranoid simply means - having all the facts.

 

[Its_Only_Money]

Don't laugh, this looks like my daughter's homework..... /forums/images/icons/smile.gif

<hr width=100% size=1>Rgds

Simon
Its Only Money
Fairline Sprint
Solent-based

 

[Goodge]

"Welcome to the Sunnyvale Horseracing Track, before the race begins, lets have a look at the line up...

Lineup:

In lane 1. Passionate Lady
In lane 2. Bare Belly
In lane 3. Silk Panties
In lane 4. Conscience
In lane 5. Jockey Shorts
In lane 6. Clean Sheets
In lane 7. Thighs
In lane 8. Big Dick
In lane 9. Heavy Bosom
In lane 10. Merry Cherry

THEY'RE OFF!!!

Conscience is left behind at the gate.
Jockey Shorts and Silk Panties are off in a hurry.
Heavy Bosom is being pressured.
Passionate Lady is caught between Thighs and Big Dick is in a dangerous spot.

AT THE HALFWAY MARK:

It's Bare Belly on top, Thighs open and Big Dick is pressed in.
Heavy Bosom is being pushed hard against Clean Sheets.
Passionate Lady and Thighs are working hard on Bare Belly.
Bare Belly is under terrific pressure from Big Dick.

AT THE STRETCH:

Merry Cherry cracks under the strain.
Big Dick is making a final drive.
Bare Belly is in and Passionate Lady is coming.

AT THE FINISH:

It's Big Dick giving everything he's got and
Passionate Lady takes everything Big Dick has to offer.
It looks like a dead heat but Big Dick comes through with one final thrust and wins by a head...

Bare Belly shows...

Thighs weakens...

Heavy Bosom pulls up and Clean Sheets never had a chance."



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[kunyang]

The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex. Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family's status, she consulted the family doctor. The doctor told her that teenagers today were very wilful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.

Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the woman told

her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.

The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother saying:

"Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!"



20 Things In Movies that Fans Will Always Believe are Possible
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

1. During all police investigations it will be necessary to
visit a strip joint at least once.
2. All beds have special L-shaped top sheets which reach up to
armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man
lying beside her.
3. It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is
someone in the control tower to talk you down
4. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious
beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his
wounds.
5. Large loft-style apartments in New York City are well within
the price range of most people - whether they are employed or
not.
6. Even when driving down a perfectly straight road it is
necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to
right every few moments.
7. At least one of a pair of identical twins is always born
evil.
8. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended
from duty.
9. If you decide to start dancing in the street everyone you
bump into will know all the steps.
10. Should you decide to defuse a bomb don't worry which wire to
cut. You will always choose the right one.
11. Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the
communications system of any federal agency.
12. Extremely beautiful and intelligent women are likely to
become prostitutes or welders.
13. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight
involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to
attack you 1 by 1 while dancing around in a threatening
manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.
14. When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your
bedroom will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.
15. Police departments give their officers personality tests to
make sure they are deliberately assigned to a partner who is
their total opposite.
16. When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English
to each other.
17. Radiation causes interesting mutations - not to your future
children but to you, there and then.
18. If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to become a
world expert on nuclear fission at the age of 22.
19. Honest and hard working policemen are traditionally gunned
down three days before their retirement.
20. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill
their archenemies using complicated machinery involving
fuses, pulley systems, deadly gasses, lasers and man eating
sharks which will allow their captives at least 20 minutes
to escape.




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[MrG]

Following the thread of strange things in films.

Independance Day:
Jeff Goldblume? and Will Smith fly up to the Mother ship of the aliens and uploads a virus from his PC..

Maybe he was running Windows ET, but in my experience computers will rarely talk to each other unless threatened repeatedly with large sticks...

<hr width=100% size=1><font color=blue>Regards Mark

 

[BigLes]

A man is shipwrecked on a deserted island. When he comes too he decides to take a walk around to see what's around. Washed up on the beach he finds some items of clothing and a pig and a dog, which are both still alive. So he takes the clothes to wear, and the animals as companions, and goes and builds himself a hut.

Over the weeks he develops the surrounding area into a nice little camp with a garden, a nice camp fire and a water store.

As the weeks turn into months he realises one thing in his life is missing - bodily contact with a woman. In time he starts to take a fancy to the pig, but every time he makes an approach the dog appears and starts barking and snapping at his ankles. No mattter what he tries the dog always interupts.

Anyway one day, after a huge storm, he wanders along the beach to see if anything useful has been washed up and he comes across a bedraggeled body. Upon closer inspection he sees it is a woman, a very beautiful young woman of generous proportions. He also finds she is still alive, so he manages to carry her back to his camp where he tends to her every need - he washes her, tends to her wounds, feeds her gives her water, and makes her some clothes.

After a few weeks she is back on her feet and feeling better, and thanks him for all he has done and for saving her life, for without his help she would have died.

Looking him in the eye she says " I owe you my life and for this I must repay you. What can I do for you?"

Smiling, he thinks about it and says 'What would you like to do?"

She says "For what you have done I will do anything you want me to do."

"Anything?" he says.

"Yes!"

"You wouldn't mind taking the dog for a walk would you?"

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[BrendanS]

Re: When I was in the Merchant Navy!

Sorry folks, but in gaining points for my Buttmaster qualification (see thread on subject), I must point out that most of these have been posted before, and are complete b**locks. Please ignore me and carry on.

<hr width=100% size=1>Me transmitte sursum, caledoni

 

[powerskipper]

how honest are you???

<hr width=100% size=1><A target="_blank" HREF=http://powerskipper.mysite.freeserve.com/>http://powerskipper.mysite.freeserve.com/</A>
Julie

 

[BrendanS]

Re: how honest are you???

Crewgirl says that looks like me and her! /forums/images/icons/laugh.gif

<hr width=100% size=1>Me transmitte sursum, caledoni